Dear Nick {01}
Do you have trouble understanding men in relationships? Are you dating losers? Is your boyfriend cheating on your mother with your best friend's brother and you want to toss him into a bucket of poop in an abandoned barn but don't know if it's legal? Do you want to ask for help, but feel too embarrassed?
Worry no more, because you can write in to our resident Love Guru, Nick! Our Dear Nick columns have been popular for the years that the Wright Dating Agency has been in commission. And our advice works! So don't be shy, write in! Dear Nick is here to help you out with anything and everything!
My verse your virtues rare shall eternize,
And in the heavens write your glorious name;
Where, whenas death shall all the world subdue,
Our love shall live, and later life renew.
- From [One day I wrote her name upon the strand] by Edmund Spenser -
Dear Nick,
My little sister is going out with a total jerk! What should I do?
- LOVE MY SIS
Dear Love My Sis,
It's very good that you're worried about your sister, but you need to let her manage her own life. Her boyfriend may be a total jerk to you, but she may see him for who he really is. Maybe he just doesn't like you. Anyway, he's innocent until proven guilty. So live and let live. Unless he's a parasite of some sort. Or a crook. Then give him a punch.
- Nick
x o x o x
Dear Nick,
Do you have any advice on how to pay for a date without paying? I'm kind of broke right now.
- NO CASH
Dear No Cash,
It's called a 'job'.
- Nick
x o x o x
Dear Nick,
My wife divorced me a long time ago, but we had a daughter together. When I try to call her, I make jokes to ease the tension, but she always hangs up on me. It's not that I want her to love me, but I want to see my daughter again and I want to keep in touch! What do I do?
- CLOWN TEARS
Dear Clown Tears,
Honesty is the best policy. You're a father and you have the right to see your daughter. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only reason you're not seeing your daughter is because you're cracking lame jokes on the phone (which is a waste of time) and not informing your ex-wife that you want to spend time with your child. I think the jokes are sending out the wrong signals. Try again, this time with less chuckles and more bravado, Clown Tears.
- Nick
x o x o x
Dear Nick,
There are really weird stains in my toilet bowl! I've tried everything from detergent to antifreeze, but nothing seems to get them out! Help, please!
- NEED YOUR EXPERTISE ON THIS ONE
Dear Expertise,
Pour in a bottle of cola and let it sit in the bowl overnight. Flush the next morning.
And lay off the antifreeze! That stuff's dangerous for your toilet and you!
- Nick
x o x o x
Dear Mr. Wright,
When are you going to take a fashion hint from Mr. Edgeworth? Scientifically speaking, it would be good for your image! ♥
- SCIENCE IS COOL
Dear Science Is Cool,
Haha. Ha. I'm running a pink heartsy site for singles. I don't think I need to add frills to my résumé.
- Nick
x o x o x
Deer Misteer Nick,
i gave somebody a speshul someone some flowerz that i picked but then a bee floo out and then they sed they smelld and made bad faces and i think i rooned thayr date!!! what do i do????
- SLAP HAPPI
Dear Slap Happi,
... Maybe you shouldn't interfere with grown ups and their dates.
- Nick
x o x o x
Dear Nick,
I wrote some love letters but when he replied he said our love could never be! I'm going to ask him in person! How do you get to Neo Olde Tokyo anyway?
- SAMURAI HACK
Dear Samurai Hack,
Left turn at the 37th Street junction and go straight to the end of the road. It's on the right. Look out for an old woman.
- Nick
x o x o x
Dear Nick,
I keep buying things for my wife, and I'm totally broke now. Well, okay, maybe not totally, but still we don't have much... and I really don't think I can handle anymore shopping...
HOW DO I GET MONEY FOR HER WITHOUT STEEAAAAAAAALLLING?!
- MASQUED LOVER
Dear Masqued Lover,
You should sit down and talk to your wife because you either have a spouse with a spending problem, or no backbone. If it's the former, there are plenty of places where she can seek help - counselling, therapy, that kind of stuff. If it's the latter, I think you need to toughen up and tell your wife that, as much as you love her and want to make her happy, you can't afford to buy her anymore things. Either way, good luck Masqued Lover. You're gonna need it.
- Nick
x o x o x
Dear Nick,
How do you stop being in love?
- LOVE HURTS
Dear Love Hurts,
It'll happen after a few bottles of whiskey and long periods of agony and separation. And maybe a trip to the beach.
- Nick
I never saw so sweet a face
As that I stood before.
My heart has left its dwelling place
And can return no more.
- From First Love by John Clare -
Got any love trouble? We want to hear from you! See you in the next edition of Dear Nick!