Always Have, Always Will, Part Two
Well, only one day later than I'd hoped to be.
Blame it on the fact that the story kept writing itself. More bits wanted to be added than I'd bargained for.
Anyway, here it is.
As usual, clicking the link to the stories signifies that you are legally adult in the country in which you reside.
If you haven't read part one, that is here:
Always Have, Always Will - Part One
If you need a recap of that -
Last time, Brian and Justin visited the girls in Toronto. After a rocky beginning to the visit, they agreed to bring Gus down to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving, and to let him spend a night or two with Brian at his new house.
They were due to arrive on Wednesday night, but right at the last minute they canceled. Brian went off on a pain management binge, and arrived home after a two night absence (on Friday morning) to find a note from Justin which gave him some reassurance that Justin was ready to forgive him for behaving like such a twat.
I'm actually adding a note here because people seem confused by Justin's superpowers. This is a sequel, remember, to Never Have, Never Will. It's therefore set in what I am calling to myself at least the Justin!Rage universe. Remember how he got rid of Mikey's ghost in NH, NW? Well, now the girls are pi... annoying him.
Now, read on:
Always Have, Always Will - Part Two
Brian sat at the counter sipping coffee and studying the note. He felt strangely disconnected, caught between the extreme contradictions of his emotions. Self-disgust jostled with a deep sense of relief and gratitude while all the while, beyond both, was a growing concern for his son. As that came into sharper and sharper focus, waking him from the near trance he’d fallen into, he reached for the phone.
An hour later he knocked on Justin’s door.
Justin opened it and stood silent, apparently waiting to hear what Brian had to say. His face was calm, but his eyes held a touch of anger, firmly held in check.
Brian winced away from it, and shrugged. “I’m an asshole,” he said as if that explained everything. “We know this. The whole fucking world knows it.”
Then he waited.
Justin gave an exasperated little snort, like a kitten’s sneeze.
“Yes, you’re an asshole. And I won’t put up with it Brian.”
Brian’s head came up and his face hardened.
Justin put his hand up and touched that stubborn face. “I don’t give a fuck how many men you fuck,” he said quietly. “But I won’t be just shoved aside and disregarded whenever you freak out about something.”
Brian swallowed, his face still doing its best to remain emotionless, but his eyes, fixed firmly on the frame of the door near Justin’s head, were wounded.
Justin’s voice softened. “I love you, you asshole, but … Brian I need you to trust me enough to at least give me the chance to make you feel better when things go wrong, when you get hurt by something or someone; not just run away from me, as well as from everything else.”
Brian sucked in a deep breath and dared a look at him.
“If we’re going to be partners, you have to give me that chance,” Justin said firmly.
Brian looked away again, but he nodded slightly - so slightly an observer who wasn’t watching for it might have missed it completely.
Justin stifled a smile, and again touched his lover’s face, forcing him to once more meet his eyes.
“Are we clear on this?” he asked.
Brian huffed a would-be sullen agreement, and then stuck his tongue in his cheek. “If I say that it’s crystal can I fucking come in?”
Justin stood back and let him pass. Brian entered, and watched as Justin closed the door behind him. Then he grabbed his lover’s shoulder and pulled him into a long kiss. When it ended, his face buried in Justin’s hair he said softly, “I just …”
He broke off. He didn’t know how to finish the sentence, how to explain that he wasn’t used to having someone to turn to, had never had that. Not really. Only Michael. And that had been ... it hadn’t been right or healthy. It hadn’t been like this.
Justin held him, nuzzling into the hollow of his throat. “I love you,” he said, his voice low and tender.
Brian nodded against his hair and then moved away a little.
He took a deep steadying breath and said, “I’ve got an appointment with Loxon at 1.30. He agreed to see me when I told him what had happened.”
Justin stared at him. Keith Loxon was the solicitor Brian had consulted after their trip to Toronto. He’d decided to at least explore what his options were as far as Gus was concerned, and Loxon was one of the top family law specialists in the country with the reputation of being a total shark in pursuit of the rights of disenfranchised fathers. That Brian was gay was a detail he shrugged aside.
“If the mother was a straight woman,” he’d said at their second meeting, after studying the details Brian had provided him, “I’d still be prepared to fight this one. She insisted that you be the one to father the child, and she’s not only accepted a great deal of money for his support, she demanded that you take out an insurance policy to provide for the child’s future should anything happen to you. That is clear evidence that she not only expected you to provide for your son, she was counting on it on an ongoing basis. She can’t then claim that there was never any intention of you being involved in your son’s life.”
Justin studied his lover for a moment, remembering what Brian had told him of that meeting. “Okay,” he said nodding slowly. “Do you want to come back …?”
Brian met his eyes full on.
“I thought you might want to come with me,” he said abruptly. Then he gave a little shrug, perhaps of embarrassment. “Loxon said he’d like to meet my partner.”
If there was a pause before the last word, it was very short, hardly noticeable. Brian went on quickly, “Then I’m catching an evening flight to Toronto. There’s one at 6.50 - doesn’t get in till nearly midnight, but …”
He shrugged again. “At least I can get out to the house first thing in the morning.”
Justin nodded, suddenly almost overwhelmed. That Brian had told Loxon anything at all about him was … well, major. Although in some ways that might have seemed pathetic, given Brian’s background Justin understood just how big a step that had been for him. But he’d actually done it, and he’d just used the ‘p’ word into the bargain.
After a totally shitty two nights in which he’d had to fight hard not to let his own disappointment turn into a bitter anger at Brian, Justin felt not just happy, but validated.
It was worth it. If Brian was ready to move forward into some kind of commited relationship, however unconventional, then it was all worth it.
Brian took another breath. “Um … do you have plans for the weekend?”
Justin smiled at him, a vibrantly warm smile, letting Brian see how happy these words were making him, and said with a slight laugh, “Well, a trip away is always nice.”
Brian nodded, once, briefly. Then he said, “I have to see him. Have to know he’s okay.”
Justin stepped closer and ran his hands up Brian’s arms to his shoulders, gripping them firmly. “I know,” he said seriously. “I know.”
He stepped away then and moved into the bedroom, pulling off his paint stained t-shirt on the way.
Brian was tempted to follow him, but they needed to get to Loxon’s office on time. The guy was breaking into his holiday weekend just to meet with them and Brian needed his help and advice, he couldn’t afford to piss him off. Instead, following the lawyer’s instructions he sat down with a notepad, writing down everything he could remember of the conversations that had taken place about the visit and transcribing from his cell the text message Lindsay had sent to cancel. He’d already printed out the emails confirming the details and giving the time of their planned arrival.
*****
Justin emerged less than half an hour later, showered, changed and carrying the backpack which had been his only luggage on their trip to New York as well as the first visit to Toronto. Mentally making himself a note to at least get the little twat a decent fucking carry-on, Brian smiled at him grateful for his no fuss preparation. They left the house together and made it to the solicitor’s office with a few minutes to spare.
Keith Loxon frowned over Brian’s notes, nodding thoughtfully. When he’d finished, he picked up a folder and opened it.
“After we talked I had our Montreal office go over the case,” he said. “They agree with me that even in the Canadian courts, the fact that you have consistently contributed so generously to supporting Gus will mean that most judges would be very reluctant to deny you access rights to your son.”
Brian shuffled a little in his chair. “I don’t exactly have a … spotless reputation,” he said, forcing himself to hold his head high.
Keith gave a little shrug. “Who has?” he asked. “Certainly not these two women.”
Brian looked even more uncomfortable. “I really don’t want to get into that,” he said uncomfortably.
Keith nodded. “And let’s hope we don’t have to. In fact, if they’ve got any sense at all they will not want this to get anywhere near a courtroom.”
Brian frowned, his anxiety obvious.
Keith used his most soothing voice.
“Brian, leave me to worry about all this. You just go up there and find out what’s going on. Tell them that you expect them to honor their agreement to visit, and to let Gus stay with you. Don’t threaten them, but make it clear that you have taken legal advice. Try to keep it rational. Best case scenario is that you get them to agree to another visit soon.”
He handed Brian a small card.
“This firm specializes in discreet observation - especially in family cases. They’ll keep an eye on things and make sure that the women don’t just take off somewhere. They’re very good, and very professional.”
Brian swallowed hard as he took the card.
Suddenly all he wanted was to see his son, make sure he was all right. He had no idea how he could protect Gus when he was so far away. And the thought that Mel and Lindsay could just take off and he might never find them terrified him.
Keith studied his client for a moment, and then spared a look at the younger man sitting so close to him. If Brian’s face showed conflicted emotions, including fear, Justin’s simply showed a quiet but steely determination. Keith permitted himself a small smile. Unless he was gravely mistaken, the little blond would prove a very tough opponent if these women did anything foolish; and he’d surely be prepared to support Kinney in the course of action Keith was about to advise his client to take.
“Brian, I think that you should apply today, in the Canadian courts at least, for interim shared custody arrangements for your son.”
Brian looked startled.
“We can push it through quickly, get it registered this afternoon, but you need to make up your mind now to go for this.”
As Brian opened his mouth to speak, clearly intending to argue, but Loxon went on quickly. “It’s the best way to protect Gus.”
Which made Brian bite off whatever he’d been about to say and sit staring at the lawyer. “Why?” he asked eventually.
Loxon relaxed a little. At least the guy was prepared to listen.
“Because if it’s registered with the court that there is a custody case pending, then the women must notify the authorities if they intend to move - whether within Canada or back to the States.”
Brian sat for a long moment, sucking his lips together. If he did this, it might help to protect Gus, but Lindsay would never forgive him for it. Let alone Melanie.
“I’d rather talk to them first,” he said.
“I understand that,” Keith said. “But the fact is that they don’t have to talk to you. They’re not returning your calls or your emails. If you go up there and they refuse to see you, then …”
He stopped and then said, “Brian, I don’t want to alarm you, but the fact is that their status with Canadian Immigration is shaky at best. Neither of them seem to have full time employment, and …”
“They both have jobs,” Brian said almost desperately.
Loxon nodded. “Yes. Ms Peterson has a part time job teaching night classes in art, and Ms Marcus works around twenty five hours a week in a legal firm doing some sort of ad hoc paralegal work. They’ve managed to get temporary work permits, but neither of them have full time jobs. They have no permanent resident status. There is nothing to keep them anchored in Toronto, or even in Canada. If they take off before you’ve filed for a custody hearing then you’re going to have the devil of a job to find them and pull them into court. The best thing you can do is to file now, and let us register it with the court today. Given the high flight risk that shouldn’t be a problem. Then we can make sure that the Toronto authorities are alerted. It means that if they try to book a flight anywhere, it will flag immediately and the authorities will be notified.”
Brian sat stunned. All he wanted was to be able to spend a little time with the son he’d loved from the first moment he’d held him. The son he’d been prepared to support even when he’d been hounded and belittled by the woman who called herself Gus’ mother. The son for whom he’d do almost anything.
But maybe it would be better for Gus if …
Justin felt the conflict going on within his lover. He knew how Brian’s mind worked; knew that Brian would be in the process of convincing himself that it would be better for Gus if he backed away from this now and let that pair of bitches do whatever they wanted. But it wouldn’t be.
Justin had no illusions about either of the women. He knew that Lindsay was both stubborn and weak, and that Melanie was apparently completely unable to moderate her deep resentment of Brian even around Brian’s son. Justin’s artist’s perception told him that the older Gus got, the more he would resemble his father; and he sensed that Melanie’s bitter hatred of Brian would spill onto Gus, poisoning his life.
Meanwhile Lindsay would be too stubborn to admit that in her infatuation for Brian and her determination to have his child, she had created a completely untenable situation, and too weak to stop her partner taking it all out on the one innocent in the situation. Because Justin understood well enough that Brian wasn’t completely without blame here. He’d known how Melanie felt about him, and either didn’t care how that would affect her relationship with his child, or had even enjoyed the fact that his being the father would piss her off.
But that was in the past. That had been when it was all theoretical and Brian’s intention had been that his only involvement would be to jerk off in a cup.
Once Gus had been born, that had all changed. Justin knew that. He’d seen how Brian was with his son, and had seen how Gus adored his father. There could be nothing good about separating the two, especially, Justin thought cynically, since the whole blame for that would be cast on Brian’s shoulders by the two women. It was almost certain that if they succeeded in keeping Brian away from his son, Gus would grow up believing that his father just hadn’t wanted him, hadn’t wanted to spend time with him. He would be made to feel that he had failed to win his father’s love.
Seeing that so clearly, Justin leaned forward, “You can’t let this happen, Brian. You can’t let them separate you from Gus completely. Even now, he must wonder why you don’t spend more time with him. Do you believe for a moment that they tell him it’s because they won’t let you?”
Brian looked at him for a moment, and then looked away. “Maybe that’s a good thing,” he offered helplessly. “Let him believe his father’s a worthless shit …”
Justin gripped his hand hard. “But he won’t, will he? It’s not you he’ll believe is worthless. Do you want Gus to grow up believing that he’s so defective even his own father didn’t want him, didn’t love him?”
The words struck Brian like blows, and Justin winced, knowing how he was hurting him.
“Brian,” he said gently, “that just isn’t right. No child should have to grow up believing that.”
The deeper layer of meaning in his works hung in the air between them. The words both confronted Brian with Justin’s understanding of how painful his childhood had been and at the same time warned him that he risked exposing Gus to that pain.
Brian swallowed hard and rubbed his free hand over his face. Then he faced the lawyer.
“Do it,” he said hoarsely.
Justin squeezed his hand and rubbed his other hand over Brian’s back, offering all the support and comfort he could.
The lawyer nodded at them both in satisfaction and stood. “I’ll just get the paperwork. Then we can send it off to Montreal. They’re on stand by to action it.”
As he left the room, Brian turned his eyes towards his lover. “You know there’s no going back after this, right?”
Justin sighed. “I know, Brian. But what else can we do?”
Brian sat silent for a moment while he pondered how weird it was that he found such comfort in that small word “we”.
Then Loxon came back and Brian found himself signing paper work and agreeing a further course of action that he would file to obtain regular visitation rights with his son, both in Toronto and in Pittsburgh. The international aspect of the latter might be a challenge, but Keith assured him that given that neither of the women had Canadian citizenship, it wouldn’t be as tough a battle as it might have been.
By the time they left the office, it was after three. They decided to head straight for the airport. It was unlikely they’d get an earlier plane, but they could have a drink and something to eat in the relative privacy of the first class lounge and try to find ways not to worry about what was happening, and going to happen, in Toronto.
*****
It was after midnight by the time they’d cleared airport security in Toronto and even Brian, desperate though he was to check on his son, acknowledged that it was way too late to turn up at the house; that to do so at that hour could only provoke the kind of confrontation that they both hoped to avoid.
They got a taxi easily enough, and the hotel suite was waiting and comfortable, but it was a long time before Brian could settle enough to sleep. He’d been moody and morose all during the trip, although doing his best, at least intermittently, to let Justin know that the problem wasn’t with him.
Justin knew that. Just as he knew what an incredible recognition of their relationship it was that Brian had asked him to share this trip with him. For himself, he was seething with anger, but none of it was in any way directed at Brian. For a man who’d been so damaged, and who’d had so little opportunity to see and understand how a loving relationship was meant to function, Brian was doing remarkably well. Yes, he’d had his little hissy fit over the past couple of days. But Justin knew how incredibly disappointed Brian had been at the visit being canceled. Worse, he’d been deeply hurt; because being Brian, he took it personally. He believed that it was because of some flaw in him that the woman who claimed to be his friend treated him that way, that he deserved nothing better.
No, it wasn’t Brian who was the focus of Justin’s anger.
All the while as they’d driven through heavily falling snow to the hotel, as he’d stood beside Brian while his lover drank the single glass of whisky he’d allowed himself, looking out through the frost-laced windows to the icy world beyond, as he lay beside his lover in the eerie glow of moonlight reflecting from snow while Brian finally fell into sleep, Justin’s anger grew. There was no heat in his anger, no fire, rather it was a cold rage, implacable, but icy as the world beyond the window. Eventually, it peaked and spilled out into the world.
Across town the women began to toss and turn in suddenly restless sleep. As they slept, they dreamed, dreamed of a world of ice and light. Light so bright it hurt the eyes, but cold; so cold that the light alone seemed to freeze the very blood as it flowed sluggishly through veins turned dark and blue. In their separate dreams, the light penetrated their eyes, flowing in through the pupils along the nerves to the brain and then to the heart where it shone brighter and brighter still, illuminating every dark corner. Every twist and turn in the psyche was remorselessly exposed to that horrifying icy light.
And the women saw themselves.
For Melanie, the revelation was a painful recognition of how demeaned she had been by her relationship with the woman who claimed to love her. She saw herself fighting Lindsay’s long-standing infatuation with the man she’d insisted father their son. Saw clearly how weakly she’d fought, constantly giving ground, paralyzed by the knowledge that if she threw everything into an attempt to break the bond Lindsay deliberately maintained with Brian, she would lose.
She saw how this had twisted her view of a man whom in another world she would have respected, might even have come to like. How she had allowed herself to blame Brian for all that was wrong between her and her partner. Saw how this twisted dislike of Brian was poisoning her relationship with the boy she loved as her son. Saw how much damage she had done, was doing to Gus. Saw how Lindsay had allowed even that, condoned it, as long as she could keep the link with Brian intact. Saw truly what that meant for her relationship with the woman she’d hoped to be with forever.
In the icy light that penetrated her deepest being Melanie saw her life, saw herself, and didn’t much like what she saw.
Weeping in her sleep, she came to some inner decision, and woke the next morning, knowing what she had to do, what she must do if she wanted to remain even a shred of the woman she’d thought herself to be.
Lindsay however fought the light, tried to run, tried to hide, twisted and turned in her own mind to escape the self knowledge that the light forced upon her. She tossed and turned, finally wrenching herself out of sleep to lie in the darkness reminding herself of why she was right, always right, to want Brian in her life, to want his son, to need to keep him dependent on her to be able to see his son. Reminded herself that that was best for all of them. Then fell asleep again to be assailed once more by that terrifying brightness.
*****
By the morning, both women were exhausted. They could hardly bear to look at each other, but they had a full day ahead of them, and lots to do, so they just had to get on with it.
Melanie spent the morning wondering how she was going to tell her erstwhile partner that she was going back to the States, perhaps to Florida; she had family there and she’d always hated Pittsburgh’s winters. And she was going alone.
She wondered what she could tell the little boy who called her “Mama”. She had to find a way to make things right for Gus, and although she hated the very idea of it, there was only one thing she could think of. While Lindsay made breakfast for Gus, and tried to find a way to keep him out from underfoot, Melanie booted up her computer, found the document she was looking for, and began to type.
It didn’t take long. Only a few words needed changing. By the time Lindsay came looking for her, it was done, and she was apparently occupied in packing up the printer and the laptop.
*****
Justin and Brian arrived at ten. Just before the removal men.
Lindsay’s look of shocked horror when she opened the door would in the future form the basis for another of Justin’s paintings. People would confidently attribute the look to the effects of terrorism or war or horrific natural disaster. They would all be wrong. What had caused the look was Brian’s arrival just as Lindsay was on the verge of running away with his son.
Before she could say anything, Gus saw his father on the doorstep and charged by her, gripping his father’s legs fiercely. Brian picked him up and after Gus had half strangled him, and given him two loving (though rather soggy kisses), the little boy said passionately, “I sorry, Daddy. I wanted to come. I did. I told Mommy and Mama and …”
Brian held him closely for a moment, kissing him and pressing his forehead against his son’s. “I know, Sonny boy. Don’t worry. We’ll have you come visit soon, I promise.”
Gus calmed down as soon as he knew his father didn’t blame him and that he still planned to make the visit happen. He released his death grip on Brian’s neck and sat back a little in his arms, his face shining now with joy at his father’s sudden appearance. It was just when he spotted Justin and was smiling at him beguilingly, clearly delighted that he had come with Brian, that the removal van arrived.
For a moment, Brian stared at it, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach at the implications of its presence. What if he hadn’t come this weekend? Would he ever have seen his son again?
Then the sick helplessness was replaced with anger. He handed Gus to Justin and after giving one furious glare at Lindsay went down to speak to the removal men. Something passed from his hands to theirs and they climbed back into the cab and drove away.
“Brian!” Lindsay remonstrated, “what do you think you’re doing? We need to move today. We …”
He cut her off with a gesture, and unexpectedly she fell silent.
Then she shrugged. “You’d better come in,” she said. “Although when Melanie …”
“When Melanie what?” came a voice from the stairs and the small dark haired woman came into view.
Both men were shocked at her appearance. She was pale and haggard and looked tired and ill. Lindsay, however, didn’t seem to notice.
“Mel, don’t get upset. There’s been a small misunderstanding with the movers. Brian sent them away. Can you call them and tell them we still need them?”
Melanie looked at her for a long moment.
“Have you always done that?” she asked, apparently rhetorically. “And I just let you?”
“What are you talking about?” Lindsay snapped, scared by the anger still pulsing from Brian, and irritated by her partner’s apparent lack of response to the fact that their worst nightmare had happened and Brian had arrived just when they looked like they were going to get away unhindered.
Not that Lindsay had actually planned to lose all contact with Brian. Of course not. But she’d been sure that after a little while of not hearing from them, of not knowing where his son was, that he’d see the need to be more reasonable about the money. After all, it’s not as if he could legally stop them going where they liked. He had no rights to Gus. None at all. He was completely dependent on her good will if he wanted to see his son. Which was a good thing for Gus, because everyone knew that Brian could never be relied upon. She needed to be vigilant and protect her son from ever feeling too close to his father because he would only be disappointed. Just as …
Well, that was all a long time ago, and really it was probably just as well that Brian hadn’t been prepared to get married and build some kind of life that fitted his status as a successful businessman while allowing him - well, them both really - discreet sexual encounters that were more to their individual tastes. Not that she’d hated sex with Brian. Far from it. But of course she’d never had any illusions that she could ever be what he needed sexaully. That didn’t matter. Brian only ever had one night stands, and as long as nobody knew, then why would they matter? But the problem was that he would never have been able to be discreet. Not Brian. And she just couldn’t have coped with all the scandal. No, really, this way was probably better. After all, she had the one thing that no one else could give him. His son. She knew he’d never agree to father a child with any other woman, and no matter how much that other little blond of his might want to cement their relationship as she had … well, biology had made sure that Justin or whatever his name was wasn’t really a threat.
But Brian turning up right now had spoiled all her plans, and Melanie, far from berating him and forcing him to leave, was simply standing there staring at her.
“For Heaven’s sake, Mel, what on earth do you mean?” she asked again, her voice petulant.
Melanie walked down the stairs and held out her arms to Gus. He somewhat reluctantly went to her and she hugged him close for a moment, despite his wriggles. Then she put him down and asked him if he could fetch her a glass of water. Proud to be given this responsibility he trotted off to the kitchen and at last Melanie met her partner’s eyes.
“You blame me to Brian, and Brian to me. You make us the bad guys to each other. And you always come out of it smelling of roses.”
Lindsay wasn’t the only one taken aback by her words. The two men stared at her, Justin possibly a little less astonished than Brian.
“Mel! I …”
Ignoring her, Melanie turned and retrieved a small bag from the steps behind her. Then, straightening she held out her hand to Brian.
“I’m sorry,” she said simply. “I’ve always blamed you for being the asshole when …” she shook her head quickly and then said in a very shaky voice, “when she’s such a bitch and I’m just a stupid cunt.”
Bemused, Brian allowed her to take his hand then looked down sharply at the paper she’d placed there.
“It should be okay,” she said. “At least in US courts. And if there are any problems I’ve put a contact address on the bottom. They’ll know where to find me.”
Then she turned to Lindsay who was crying, protesting and trying to embrace her. Shrugging out of Lindsay’s clasp she said, “You should know, I’ve signed my parental rights back to Brian. It’s the only way I can think of to keep Gus safe. To try to make things right for him. I love him, but …:”
She gave a sad little huff. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him. Every time I look at him I see … what a total fool I’ve made of myself for the last ten years. Trying to love someone who only ever … used me. Just used me.”
“Melanie, no! How can you say that?” Lindsay cried desperately.
The dark-haired woman laughed bitterly. “Easily enough, when it’s true.”
Lindsay stared at her, her own face becoming angry. “I left my home for you. I came all the way up here. Took Gus away from his father.”
Tiredly, Melanie shook her head. “You left because wanted to make sure Brian knew who had all the power in your little family group. It was nothing to do with me. Anyway,” stooping she once more picked up her bag. “It really doesn’t matter any more. Tell Gus goodbye for me. I’ll send for the rest of my stuff when I get settled.”
Then she would have walked out, but Brian stopped her.
“No,” he said firmly. “You can’t do that to him. You can’t just walk off as if he doesn’t matter.”
“Don’t you fucking understand?” she snapped hoarsely, her voice choked with tears. “I have to go. For his sake more than anything.”
“Then you have to explain,” Brian said quietly. “You at least need to tell him you love him and that you’re not leaving because of him. You can’t let him think that.”
Gus appeared just then, walking slowly and very carefully, clutching her glass of water. Feeling suddenly boneless, Mel turned and sank down onto the bottom stair.
Lindsay moved towards her son and went to say something, but found herself confronted by a still very angry Brian. He grabbed her arm and pushed her through the door of the living room past several crates and moving boxes.
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on here,” he hissed, “but you’ll fucking keep you mouth shut and let her do this properly so Gus doesn’t …”
At that point his voice wavered, and for the first time, Justin inserted himself into the situation.
“I’ll take care of her,” he said quietly, but there was an edge to his voice that made Lindsay suddenly almost afraid of him. Eying him warily, she hardly protested as he steered her further into the room, preferring to seek refuge in tears. She sank down onto the couch, sobbing piteously, while Justin watched her cynically.
Brian stayed in the doorway. Close enough to keep an eye on Gus and to be there for his son, but far enough away to give Melanie at least some feeling of privacy. His thoughts were in turmoil. He had no idea what was going on, why Melanie was leaving, why she’d suddenly done a complete turn around and signed back his damned rights, why he’d arrived just in time to intercept the movers, what the whole fucking deal was. He had every intention of getting the whole fucking story out of Lindsay if he had to shake it out of her.
But first, he needed to make sure that Gus was okay.
Melanie took the glass of water from Gus and downed half of it in one gulp. Then she put the glass down on the step behind, and drew the little boy to sit beside her. She wrapped one arm around him and said softly, “Gus, I have to go away. For a long time. A long long time.”
“No, Mama,” the little boy whispered.
Her face quivered and she buried it briefly in his hair.
“I have to, my darling. I just have to.”
“But why?” Gus whimpered.
She sighed and stroked his face. “Gus, my darling, my beautiful boy. It’s something Mama just has to do. If I could work out a way to stay with you, I would do it in a heart beat. Leaving you behind is the hardest thing Mama has ever done in her life. But …”
Briefly she looked up and across to where Brian stood, then she said more clearly, “Your Daddy’s here. And he knows this might make you unhappy, so he’s promised me that he’ll be around a lot more, that he’ll look after you now that I can’t any more.”
“I want to go home with Dadda,” the little boy said damply, reverting to the more childish form of his father’s name.
Mel nodded. “Yes, I think that would be a very good idea.”
“You could come too,” he offered hopefully.
She smiled sadly and kissed him. “No, Gus.”
“Is it ‘cause you don’t like my Daddy?” he asked.
“No, Gus. It’s not because of that. In fact …” once more her eyes moved to the tall silent man across the hall, “I think your Mama has been very silly about that. I think she’s just found out that your Daddy is a much better man than she ever realized.”
“Is it ‘cause you don’t love me anymore?” he whispered.
She hugged him tightly, trying desperately to stop the tears running down her face. “Oh, no, Gus, no. Mama loves you very very much.”
She tilted his little face up to hers. “Mama loved you the minute you were born and she will always love you. You have to remember that.”
He cried out then, trying to hold onto her as she stood, and swiftly Brian moved towards them.
He scooped Gus up into his arms and Gus wrapped his arms tightly around his father’s neck and sobbed into his shoulder.
“Say goodbye to your mother, Gus,” Brian instructed softly.
The little boy raised a woebegone face, but said obediently, “Bye, Mama.”
Unable to say anything, Melanie nodded at both of them then snatched up her bag and stumbled out of the house.
*****
Back in the living room, Justin put up with Lindsay’s tears for only a minute or two, then he said calmly, “They’re wasted on me, you know. I told you last time I was here that you can’t pull the shit on me that you do on Brian, that it won’t work.”
She stopped crying and looked up at him malevolently.
He didn’t think he’d ever seen a more unattractive sight. Her eyes were red and puffy, as was her nose, and her hair was a complete mess. But it wasn’t those things that made her so repulsive. It was the bitter air of betrayed self-righteousness that made his gorge rise. Once more the anger surged through him and meeting his eyes, Lindsay experienced a severe shock.
Justin seemed to tower over her, filling the room, and his normally warm blue eyes somehow penetrated her being like icy knives. They glowed at her with a cold eerie light, and she was once more back in her nightmares. That light, that light …
She tried to turn her eyes away, but that just made the light glow brighter. She forced her lids closed, but the light burned through them.
Eventually, with a little whimper, she collapsed onto the couch, curling into a fetal ball.
Justin met Brian in the doorway. “She’s not very well,” he said calmly. “I think it’s all been too much of a shock for her.”
Brian frowned. “What the fuck has been going on?” he asked, before becoming aware of the boy in his arms.
Gus gave a watery little laugh. “Daddy said a bad word,” he giggled.
Justin nodded. “Yes, Gus, he did. Daddies do sometimes.”
“So does Mama,” said Gus and then, remembering, his face clouded over again.
“I think Mommy would like a cup of tea,” Justin said pacifically. “Gus do you think you could show me where everything is so we can make her one?”
Gus nodded and reached out his arms to Justin, who took him, smiling at him.
“Most stuff’s in boxes,” Gus said. “But not the tea.”
“Well, that’s good, then. Let’s make some for Mommy, and maybe get a drink of juice for Gus. And perhaps a cup of coffee for Daddy to drink while he talks to Mommy.”
Brian gave a slight huff of exasperation at the thought of having to deal with a hysterical Lindsay, but was too relieved at Justin’s easy management of his son’s needs to protest too loudly at drawing the short straw. Besides he could hardly leave Justin to sort out this mess.
Gus nodded, happier, and Justin, with a sly look of commiseration over his shoulder at Brian, carried him out to the kitchen.
Brian took a deep breath and went into the living room. He found Lindsay still curled up, and touched her shoulder.
She jumped. Then curled up tighter. “Make him go away,” she whimpered, then again more loudly, “Make him go away!”
“What? Who? What the fuck are you talking about?” Brian demanded.
“Him. That horrible man.”
“Justin?” Brian said bewildered. “What the fuck did Justin do?”
His tone carried complete disbelief. Whoever was at the bottom of what had gone wrong in this house, he found it hard to believe it was Justin.
“He looked at me!” Lindsay wailed.
That almost did it for Brian. Of all the fucking stupid …
“Lindsay, sit up!” he said sharply, and to her surprise as well as Brian’s, she did, but droopily. As if she had no energy, no will left to her.
“Now what the fuck is going on?”
Lindsay shook her head pitiably, apparently unable to speak. Finally she mumbled, mostly to herself, “I don’t know. Why? Why would she suddenly just walk out? It’s not like we’ve really been together anyway. Why would she suddenly do this?”
She broke off, suddenly wary of saying too much. The truth was she and Melanie hadn’t actually been together for quite a while. They’d both stayed in the house, they couldn’t afford not to. But they had had separate rooms, and separate lives for months. But if Brian had known that, he would have insisted that she bring Gus back to Pittsburgh, and she hadn’t been ready to. Least of all at Brian’s insistence. The whole point had been to make sure that Brian knew how totally dependent on her he was where Gus was concerned. When she’d been ready she’d planned to throw out the possibility of going back, and then watch Brian turn himself inside out to make it happen. He would have offered just about anything.
Including getting a house for them. For her and Brian and Gus, anyway. Melanie … well, that had been over for a long time, really. It would have been natural, leave Melanie, need somewhere to live. Brian would want Gus around. They could have lived together quite happily. But then things went completely wrong.
When he came. He was the one who’d thrown things out of joint. He was altogether hateful and …
Inwardly she quailed. She couldn’t fight him. Couldn’t. Wouldn’t. He’d look at her again. Make her look at herself. And she wouldn’t. She just wouldn’t.
At that point Justin walked in carrying a tray with Gus beside him.
Despite herself she gave a quick glance at him, then quickly looked away.
Justin placed the tray on a crate and handed her a cup of tea. She took it, still refusing to look at him. Then she remembered Gus and held out a shaky hand to her son.
Gus, totally confused by the morning’s events, but obscurely feeling that his Mommy had made the bad things happen moved closer to Justin, leaning slightly against his hip. Justin rubbed a hand over his head, fondly.
“Gus is fine. He’s been helping me to unpack some things in the kitchen. Now we’re going to go upstairs and he’s going to do me a drawing of where he’d like to go with his Daddy this afternoon. Aren’t you Gus?”
Gus nodded vigorously.
Brian gave his lover a look that promised rewards of all kinds later and Justin grinned at him before taking Gus’s hand and asking him to lead the way to his room.
Then Brian turned to Lindsay, who sat listlessly sipping her tea.
Brian picked up the cup of coffee his lover had brought for him, and pulled one of the armchairs free from its position upturned on another, and sat down.
“So tell me what’s been going on, Linds,” he said. His voice was calm, but Lindsay, forcing herself out of the fog that seemed to surround her to take a quick look at him quailed a little. He was still furiously angry.
She tried to summon up the energy to build the fabrications she needed, but it just wouldn’t come. Finally she gave in. Her voice was lifeless as she told him the truth - or as close to it as she could get.
“We broke up again just after we moved up here. She couldn’t get a proper job, because they wouldn’t recognize her qualifications unless she went back to college and studied at least two years of Canadian law, and she didn’t want to and we couldn’t afford it anyway. And the job I was supposed to get fell through because they said I had to have permanent resident status to take it and to get that we would have had to wait back in Pittsburgh - probably for at least a year. They said that by coming up here without it, we’d risked them not processing it at all, or at least not until we’d gone back and …
“So there was hardly any money, and it was just all horrible, and Mel wanted to go back, but I said … well, I didn’t, and she wouldn’t go back without Gus and …
“It was all just horrible. And then when I was ready to go back, she’d got this paralegal work and they said that if she stuck at it then the work experience might allow her to qualify to practice law here, so then she didn’t want to leave and wouldn’t let me take Gus.”
Her voice trailed off.
“What happened on Wednesday?” Brian demanded softly.
She shrugged. “Mel was working on something for a big case and they wouldn’t give her the time off and she wouldn’t let me take Gus without her in case I didn’t come back and we fought about it and then finally she said she’d had enough and she wanted to move out of the house.
“I told her I couldn’t afford to stay here without her, and she said that was just too bad, and I should ask you for the money, but …” for the first time her voice held some energy. “I didn’t want to. I didn’t want you to be the one in control, and I knew you would be if you knew what was going on, so …”
Once more her voice faded. “I made arrangements to move into another place. It’s small, but I could afford it, just about. And Mel said she’d pay something for Gus, so …”
She looked up, suddenly looking alarmed. “We have to go though. We have to go today. The rent’s due and we haven’t paid …”
Brian pinched the bridge of his nose. This at least he could handle. He pulled out his cell and dialed a well worn number and was rewarded with the sound of Ted’s voice grunting a grumpy, “Come back from the dead, have we boss? What the fuck do you want on a Saturday morning?”.
Brian gave a little smile, recognizing the relief imperfectly concealed. He felt a twinge of remorse, realizing that his friends would have been worried about him.
“I’m fine, Theodore, and how are you?” he asked smoothly.
Ted read the apology in the tone, if not the words and said, “Just dandy, for someone who was enjoying a free Saturday on a holiday weekend.”
Brian gave a chuff of laughter which at the other end of the phone Ted was desperately relieved to hear.
After the canceled party, he and Emmett had helped Justin tidy the house and pack away anything that might have reminded Brian of his son’s aborted visit. But since then they’d heard nothing and they had both been worried.
“I’m in Toronto,” Brian said, making Ted even more relieved.
At least Brian would make sure that everything was okay with Gus.
“I need you to do some stuff for me.”
Brian went on to explain what he wanted done, leaving Ted nodding and asking the minimum of questions to make sure that he had all of Brian’s instructions absolutely clear.
“Okay, boss, I’m on it,” he said at last. “I’ll call you back as soon as it’s all organized.”
“I count on it, Theodore,” Brian said. Then added softly, “Thanks, Ted.”
Clicking the cell shut, he looked at Lindsay. “Ted’s going to fix up the rent and look after all that. We’ll send someone up here from the office to sort out all the shipping and stuff.”
She stared at him vaguely, not quite comprehending.
“And he’s booking tickets for us all on a flight back to Pittsburgh tonight.”
At this last, she reacted, flushing. “No, Brian. I don’t want …”
He regarded her grimly. “I don’t give a flying fuck what you want,” he said. “Gus wants to go home. And that’s what’s happening. You can come with us, or you can stay here and fucking rot for all I care, but Gus is coming home with me.”
She stared at him for a moment and seemed ready to reject the idea violently, but just then Justin walked back into the room. After one startled look at him, Lindsay seemed once more to shrink back into herself and made no further argument.
Justin ignored her completely. “Gus wants to show you his drawing,” he said to Brian.
Brian reached out a hand and Justin moved towards him and took it, squeezing it for a moment and then moving aside to let Gus approach his father.
Shyly Gus stood in front of Brian, clutching a piece of paper.
Brian did his best to shrug aside all the tension and ill feeling that had been swirling around the room, and smiled at him. “Well, come and let me see it, Sonny boy.”
“This is what Gus wants to do this afternoon,” Justin reminded him.
Brian’s smile slipped a little. “Well, as long as it’s something we can do quickly,” he said.
Gus’ face fell, and Brian rushed on, “Because we’re getting a plane home later today and it would be fu … terrible if we missed it.”
Gus’ eyes lit up and he clambered onto Brian’s knee, grabbing his father’s sweater in a way that would have brought annihilation down on anyone else.
“Really?” he said his voice squeaking with excitement, “Really, truly?”
“Really truly,” Brian nodded, his delight at his son’s response lighting his own eyes.
“If Teddy wants to keep his fucking job,” he murmured under his breath.
Gus ignored that part. “We could do this really quick,” he said hopefully and held up the paper so his father could see it.
Brian took a deep breath and prayed to any God who’d hear him that he would be able to make out what his son had drawn.
As it turned out, he had no need to worry. It was very clear. In the drawing a tall man stood in the middle of what was, judging by the trees and wobbly paths, clearly a park. Beside him was an angular structure even taller than he was; two lines snaked down from the top of the structure, and between them was a smaller seated figure wearing a top just the color of the one Gus had on. Something in the way it was drawn captured the joyous sense of movement, almost of flying. And Brian thought for a moment he could even hear the small figure laugh.
Gus wanted his father to take him to the park and push him on the swings.
“Mama said you wouldn’t want to,” Gus said dolefully. “She said you’d be too busy pushing something else. I asked her what but she wouldn’t tell me. Mommy wouldn’t let her.”
His words filled Justin once more with anger that he only managed to banish when he heard the ensuing conversation between Brian and his son.
Brian, on the other hand, wasn’t angered by the words - Melanie had gone and in doing so had given him back his son. He wasn’t even hurt by them. What they did for Brian was to fill him with absolute certainty that in coming up here, whatever had been triggered by his visit, he had done the right thing for his son. Under no circumstance was Gus going to be left to believe that his father didn’t want him, didn’t want to spend time with him.
“Maybe she thought I’d rather push you on a bike,” Brian offered, and Justin wanted to hug him for giving such a clever answer.
Gus looked happily surprised. Clearly the idea that the only reason his father wouldn’t want to push him on the swings was that he wanted them to do something else together was a very welcome one. Then he considered. “I can’t ride a bike yet,” he said, then, allowing his voice to sound deeply mournful, “I even don’t have a bike.”
His eyes peered up at his father hopefully. Brian grinned at him, and reached under his arms to tickle him.
“We’ll see about it when we get home to Pittsburgh,” he said. “If you’re good today at the park.”
Gus gave a squeal of delight, and Brian laughed and Justin’s anger melted away.
*****
They spent a surprisingly exhausting couple of hours at the park, leaving Lindsay to finish any personal packing. They had hot dogs for lunch, and both Justin and Brian took turns at pushing Gus on the swing. They also supervised his play on the slide, and the monkey bars and the jungle gym and Justin sat with him in the sandpit sculpting a plane out of the coarse sand while his father stepped aside and rang his solicitor.
After apologizing for breaking once more into his weekend, Brian explained the situation briefly.
“Best thing you could do,” Loxon affirmed. “But if the notification has gone through, then both Lindsay and Gus could already be flagged in the system. That’s okay, you just need to make sure that you’ve got all the paperwork. All your passports, Gus’ birth certificate and the paper that Ms Marcus gave you this morning. You might have a few more questions to answer at immigration but it should be fine. If you have any problems once you get into the States, call me. If there are any problems in Canada call this number. I’ll give them a heads up so they’ll be on alert just in case. But I don’t think you will. Provided you’ve got the paper work I think they’ll be glad to get you all out of the country and make any messy custody battles the problem of the US courts.”
He gave Brian a number and hearing his client’s slight sigh of relief, he went on sincerely, “This is a good thing, Brian. It’s the best thing that could have happened. For your kid as well as for you.”
Brian thanked him and ended the call. For a moment he watched the two men in his life, both of them deeply engaged in their task. Then Gus looked up and saw him and his happy smile almost stabbed his father to the heart, so deeply did the joy penetrate.
He strode over and joined them, folding his long legs into the sandpit taking care not to damage the plane. Listening to Gus tell him all about it, pointing out the wings and the windows and the propellers and the tail, he somehow couldn’t get the smile off his face.
While Gus made a small alteration to one of the windows, and put in a door, he reached out and touched Justin’s hair. Justin’s smile matched his own, and Brian stared at him for moment, wondering just how this had happened to him, how he had suddenly found his life so full of love. Then Justin pursed his lips in a kiss-blowing gesture and whispered, “Later” and Brian stopped wondering and just accepted.
Life was good.
*****
They had very little trouble with immigration at either end, although as Loxon had predicted, they did need all the paperwork. When they stepped off the plane in Pittsburgh, Justin holding the arm of a sleepy Lindsay and Brian carrying a dead to the world Gus, both Ted and Emmett were waiting for them.
Brian was slightly surprised at how glad he was to see them, but he had to admit that they were just what he needed right then. They helped the tired travelers find seats while they collected all the luggage, then efficiently moved them through the airport to two waiting cabs.
“I think Lindsay should come and stay with me for a while,” Emmett said, loading her cases into the back of one cab, while Ted stowed all Gus’ things into the other. “We can have some girly time together and eat lots of ice cream and watch weepy movies.”
“And Gus can spend some time with his father,” Ted finished, virtually pushing Brian into his cab, while Emmett kindly but relentlessly assisted a dazed Lindsay into the other.
Ted stopped for a moment to stick his head in through the door and say to Brian, “Turns out Cynthia’s got family in Toronto. She jumped at the thought of a week’s paid time up there.”
Brian felt more of the stresses of the last few days melt away. If Cynthia was in charge then everything involved in sorting things out in Toronto would go smoothly. And they could surely manage without her at Kinnetik for a week. He hoped.
Ted moved aside to let Justin pass Gus to Brian. Before he moved round the car to slide into the other seat, Justin turned and hugged him. “Thanks, Ted. You are an absolute star.”
Ted gave him a shy smile, “Just doing my job,” he said with an air of embarrassment.
“And don’t think I’m going to give you a fucking raise,” Brian grunted.
Ted laughed, on familiar ground now. “Wouldn’t dream of it, boss,” he said.
Brian stole a look down at his sleeping son and then looked up once more at his friend through the small window. “Thanks, Teddy,” he said softly.
Ted grinned. “You should probably thank Emmett,” he replied. “He’s the one who’s gonna take the heat when she wakes up properly.”
Justin smiled as he closed the door of the car. “Oh, I don’t think there’ll be much heat,” he said. “I’ve got the feeling Lindsay’s been cooled off a bit.”
But by then the cab was already pulling away and Brian was occupied with Gus and neither of the men really heard him. Ted walked off and climbed into the other cab.
*****
Gus woke a little as he was carried into the house cradled safely in Brian’s arms.
“Mommy?” he mumbled uncertainly, still half asleep.
Brian felt his stomach clench.
“No, honey,” Justin soothed the little boy. “Mommy’s going to stay with Emmett for a little while. Do you remember Emmett?”
The name conjured for the boy vague memories of a tall man who wore funny clothes and often gave him nice things to eat. “Emmett,” he repeated sleepily.
“And you’re going to stay with Daddy for a while,” Justin went on.
“Daddy,” the little boy said, his face smiling now. “Daddy.”
Then the word seemed to penetrate his sleepiness and suddenly his eyes opened, the sleepy look banished.
“Daddy!” he squeaked, delightedly, wriggling in Brian’s arms till he could wrap his own around his father’s neck. “Daddy!”
Brian hugged him, his heart suddenly pounding.
Gus was here. Despite everything, after all the traumas, Gus was safely here in his home. He kissed his son suddenly and then tossed him to his shoulder while the little boy giggled with joy and carried him through the house.
Justin opened the door to Gus’ room. The toys and other paraphernalia that had been packed in here had mysteriously disappeared, and the room looked inviting and ready for a tired little pirate.
Gus’ eyes opened wide when he saw the painting on the wall. “That’s Gus!” he said excitedly, pointing to the smaller pirate. “And Daddy!” he added.
“Did you make this, Daddy?” he asked.
Justin snorted. Brian could barely draw a stick figure.
Brian gave him a surreptitious slap on the rear, but replied, “No, Gus. Justin painted this just for you.”
Gus gave Justin one of his most beguiling smiles. “Thank you, Justin,” he said sweetly. Then he seemed to consider, and stared hard at the painting. “Where you?” he demanded.
“I’m up there,” Justin said, pointing to the figure in the rigging. Gus nodded, clearly happy that Justin was included in his pirate world.
“We can play pirates tomorrow,” he said. “Daddy can be Cap’ain Crook and I’ll be …”
But before he could even finish the sentence, he was overtaken with a huge yawn.
Justin grinned at him. “Bed for you, I think,” he said.
Gus was about to argue, despite the fact that his eyes were starting to droop again, when he caught sight of the bed. The thought of curling up in a real treasure chest was enough to still any further protests and while Brian got him out of his clothes, Justin went and fetched a face washer to at least wash his face and hands. Anything more would have to wait till morning.
He fussed a little when they first tried to leave, but when Justin left them alone, whispering that he'd see Captain Crook later, and Brian started to read him ‘just one story’ he was out like a light before his father had gotten to the end of the first page.
Just before he drifted off, he murmured sleepily, “I love you, Daddy.”
He may well have been asleep before his father could master his voice enough to respond, “I love you too, Sonny boy. Always have, always will.”
For the next installment, you could go to: Justin!Rage #3:Christmas Lights
Blame it on the fact that the story kept writing itself. More bits wanted to be added than I'd bargained for.
Anyway, here it is.
As usual, clicking the link to the stories signifies that you are legally adult in the country in which you reside.
If you haven't read part one, that is here:
Always Have, Always Will - Part One
If you need a recap of that -
Last time, Brian and Justin visited the girls in Toronto. After a rocky beginning to the visit, they agreed to bring Gus down to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving, and to let him spend a night or two with Brian at his new house.
They were due to arrive on Wednesday night, but right at the last minute they canceled. Brian went off on a pain management binge, and arrived home after a two night absence (on Friday morning) to find a note from Justin which gave him some reassurance that Justin was ready to forgive him for behaving like such a twat.
I'm actually adding a note here because people seem confused by Justin's superpowers. This is a sequel, remember, to Never Have, Never Will. It's therefore set in what I am calling to myself at least the Justin!Rage universe. Remember how he got rid of Mikey's ghost in NH, NW? Well, now the girls are pi... annoying him.
Now, read on:
Always Have, Always Will - Part Two
Brian sat at the counter sipping coffee and studying the note. He felt strangely disconnected, caught between the extreme contradictions of his emotions. Self-disgust jostled with a deep sense of relief and gratitude while all the while, beyond both, was a growing concern for his son. As that came into sharper and sharper focus, waking him from the near trance he’d fallen into, he reached for the phone.
An hour later he knocked on Justin’s door.
Justin opened it and stood silent, apparently waiting to hear what Brian had to say. His face was calm, but his eyes held a touch of anger, firmly held in check.
Brian winced away from it, and shrugged. “I’m an asshole,” he said as if that explained everything. “We know this. The whole fucking world knows it.”
Then he waited.
Justin gave an exasperated little snort, like a kitten’s sneeze.
“Yes, you’re an asshole. And I won’t put up with it Brian.”
Brian’s head came up and his face hardened.
Justin put his hand up and touched that stubborn face. “I don’t give a fuck how many men you fuck,” he said quietly. “But I won’t be just shoved aside and disregarded whenever you freak out about something.”
Brian swallowed, his face still doing its best to remain emotionless, but his eyes, fixed firmly on the frame of the door near Justin’s head, were wounded.
Justin’s voice softened. “I love you, you asshole, but … Brian I need you to trust me enough to at least give me the chance to make you feel better when things go wrong, when you get hurt by something or someone; not just run away from me, as well as from everything else.”
Brian sucked in a deep breath and dared a look at him.
“If we’re going to be partners, you have to give me that chance,” Justin said firmly.
Brian looked away again, but he nodded slightly - so slightly an observer who wasn’t watching for it might have missed it completely.
Justin stifled a smile, and again touched his lover’s face, forcing him to once more meet his eyes.
“Are we clear on this?” he asked.
Brian huffed a would-be sullen agreement, and then stuck his tongue in his cheek. “If I say that it’s crystal can I fucking come in?”
Justin stood back and let him pass. Brian entered, and watched as Justin closed the door behind him. Then he grabbed his lover’s shoulder and pulled him into a long kiss. When it ended, his face buried in Justin’s hair he said softly, “I just …”
He broke off. He didn’t know how to finish the sentence, how to explain that he wasn’t used to having someone to turn to, had never had that. Not really. Only Michael. And that had been ... it hadn’t been right or healthy. It hadn’t been like this.
Justin held him, nuzzling into the hollow of his throat. “I love you,” he said, his voice low and tender.
Brian nodded against his hair and then moved away a little.
He took a deep steadying breath and said, “I’ve got an appointment with Loxon at 1.30. He agreed to see me when I told him what had happened.”
Justin stared at him. Keith Loxon was the solicitor Brian had consulted after their trip to Toronto. He’d decided to at least explore what his options were as far as Gus was concerned, and Loxon was one of the top family law specialists in the country with the reputation of being a total shark in pursuit of the rights of disenfranchised fathers. That Brian was gay was a detail he shrugged aside.
“If the mother was a straight woman,” he’d said at their second meeting, after studying the details Brian had provided him, “I’d still be prepared to fight this one. She insisted that you be the one to father the child, and she’s not only accepted a great deal of money for his support, she demanded that you take out an insurance policy to provide for the child’s future should anything happen to you. That is clear evidence that she not only expected you to provide for your son, she was counting on it on an ongoing basis. She can’t then claim that there was never any intention of you being involved in your son’s life.”
Justin studied his lover for a moment, remembering what Brian had told him of that meeting. “Okay,” he said nodding slowly. “Do you want to come back …?”
Brian met his eyes full on.
“I thought you might want to come with me,” he said abruptly. Then he gave a little shrug, perhaps of embarrassment. “Loxon said he’d like to meet my partner.”
If there was a pause before the last word, it was very short, hardly noticeable. Brian went on quickly, “Then I’m catching an evening flight to Toronto. There’s one at 6.50 - doesn’t get in till nearly midnight, but …”
He shrugged again. “At least I can get out to the house first thing in the morning.”
Justin nodded, suddenly almost overwhelmed. That Brian had told Loxon anything at all about him was … well, major. Although in some ways that might have seemed pathetic, given Brian’s background Justin understood just how big a step that had been for him. But he’d actually done it, and he’d just used the ‘p’ word into the bargain.
After a totally shitty two nights in which he’d had to fight hard not to let his own disappointment turn into a bitter anger at Brian, Justin felt not just happy, but validated.
It was worth it. If Brian was ready to move forward into some kind of commited relationship, however unconventional, then it was all worth it.
Brian took another breath. “Um … do you have plans for the weekend?”
Justin smiled at him, a vibrantly warm smile, letting Brian see how happy these words were making him, and said with a slight laugh, “Well, a trip away is always nice.”
Brian nodded, once, briefly. Then he said, “I have to see him. Have to know he’s okay.”
Justin stepped closer and ran his hands up Brian’s arms to his shoulders, gripping them firmly. “I know,” he said seriously. “I know.”
He stepped away then and moved into the bedroom, pulling off his paint stained t-shirt on the way.
Brian was tempted to follow him, but they needed to get to Loxon’s office on time. The guy was breaking into his holiday weekend just to meet with them and Brian needed his help and advice, he couldn’t afford to piss him off. Instead, following the lawyer’s instructions he sat down with a notepad, writing down everything he could remember of the conversations that had taken place about the visit and transcribing from his cell the text message Lindsay had sent to cancel. He’d already printed out the emails confirming the details and giving the time of their planned arrival.
*****
Justin emerged less than half an hour later, showered, changed and carrying the backpack which had been his only luggage on their trip to New York as well as the first visit to Toronto. Mentally making himself a note to at least get the little twat a decent fucking carry-on, Brian smiled at him grateful for his no fuss preparation. They left the house together and made it to the solicitor’s office with a few minutes to spare.
Keith Loxon frowned over Brian’s notes, nodding thoughtfully. When he’d finished, he picked up a folder and opened it.
“After we talked I had our Montreal office go over the case,” he said. “They agree with me that even in the Canadian courts, the fact that you have consistently contributed so generously to supporting Gus will mean that most judges would be very reluctant to deny you access rights to your son.”
Brian shuffled a little in his chair. “I don’t exactly have a … spotless reputation,” he said, forcing himself to hold his head high.
Keith gave a little shrug. “Who has?” he asked. “Certainly not these two women.”
Brian looked even more uncomfortable. “I really don’t want to get into that,” he said uncomfortably.
Keith nodded. “And let’s hope we don’t have to. In fact, if they’ve got any sense at all they will not want this to get anywhere near a courtroom.”
Brian frowned, his anxiety obvious.
Keith used his most soothing voice.
“Brian, leave me to worry about all this. You just go up there and find out what’s going on. Tell them that you expect them to honor their agreement to visit, and to let Gus stay with you. Don’t threaten them, but make it clear that you have taken legal advice. Try to keep it rational. Best case scenario is that you get them to agree to another visit soon.”
He handed Brian a small card.
“This firm specializes in discreet observation - especially in family cases. They’ll keep an eye on things and make sure that the women don’t just take off somewhere. They’re very good, and very professional.”
Brian swallowed hard as he took the card.
Suddenly all he wanted was to see his son, make sure he was all right. He had no idea how he could protect Gus when he was so far away. And the thought that Mel and Lindsay could just take off and he might never find them terrified him.
Keith studied his client for a moment, and then spared a look at the younger man sitting so close to him. If Brian’s face showed conflicted emotions, including fear, Justin’s simply showed a quiet but steely determination. Keith permitted himself a small smile. Unless he was gravely mistaken, the little blond would prove a very tough opponent if these women did anything foolish; and he’d surely be prepared to support Kinney in the course of action Keith was about to advise his client to take.
“Brian, I think that you should apply today, in the Canadian courts at least, for interim shared custody arrangements for your son.”
Brian looked startled.
“We can push it through quickly, get it registered this afternoon, but you need to make up your mind now to go for this.”
As Brian opened his mouth to speak, clearly intending to argue, but Loxon went on quickly. “It’s the best way to protect Gus.”
Which made Brian bite off whatever he’d been about to say and sit staring at the lawyer. “Why?” he asked eventually.
Loxon relaxed a little. At least the guy was prepared to listen.
“Because if it’s registered with the court that there is a custody case pending, then the women must notify the authorities if they intend to move - whether within Canada or back to the States.”
Brian sat for a long moment, sucking his lips together. If he did this, it might help to protect Gus, but Lindsay would never forgive him for it. Let alone Melanie.
“I’d rather talk to them first,” he said.
“I understand that,” Keith said. “But the fact is that they don’t have to talk to you. They’re not returning your calls or your emails. If you go up there and they refuse to see you, then …”
He stopped and then said, “Brian, I don’t want to alarm you, but the fact is that their status with Canadian Immigration is shaky at best. Neither of them seem to have full time employment, and …”
“They both have jobs,” Brian said almost desperately.
Loxon nodded. “Yes. Ms Peterson has a part time job teaching night classes in art, and Ms Marcus works around twenty five hours a week in a legal firm doing some sort of ad hoc paralegal work. They’ve managed to get temporary work permits, but neither of them have full time jobs. They have no permanent resident status. There is nothing to keep them anchored in Toronto, or even in Canada. If they take off before you’ve filed for a custody hearing then you’re going to have the devil of a job to find them and pull them into court. The best thing you can do is to file now, and let us register it with the court today. Given the high flight risk that shouldn’t be a problem. Then we can make sure that the Toronto authorities are alerted. It means that if they try to book a flight anywhere, it will flag immediately and the authorities will be notified.”
Brian sat stunned. All he wanted was to be able to spend a little time with the son he’d loved from the first moment he’d held him. The son he’d been prepared to support even when he’d been hounded and belittled by the woman who called herself Gus’ mother. The son for whom he’d do almost anything.
But maybe it would be better for Gus if …
Justin felt the conflict going on within his lover. He knew how Brian’s mind worked; knew that Brian would be in the process of convincing himself that it would be better for Gus if he backed away from this now and let that pair of bitches do whatever they wanted. But it wouldn’t be.
Justin had no illusions about either of the women. He knew that Lindsay was both stubborn and weak, and that Melanie was apparently completely unable to moderate her deep resentment of Brian even around Brian’s son. Justin’s artist’s perception told him that the older Gus got, the more he would resemble his father; and he sensed that Melanie’s bitter hatred of Brian would spill onto Gus, poisoning his life.
Meanwhile Lindsay would be too stubborn to admit that in her infatuation for Brian and her determination to have his child, she had created a completely untenable situation, and too weak to stop her partner taking it all out on the one innocent in the situation. Because Justin understood well enough that Brian wasn’t completely without blame here. He’d known how Melanie felt about him, and either didn’t care how that would affect her relationship with his child, or had even enjoyed the fact that his being the father would piss her off.
But that was in the past. That had been when it was all theoretical and Brian’s intention had been that his only involvement would be to jerk off in a cup.
Once Gus had been born, that had all changed. Justin knew that. He’d seen how Brian was with his son, and had seen how Gus adored his father. There could be nothing good about separating the two, especially, Justin thought cynically, since the whole blame for that would be cast on Brian’s shoulders by the two women. It was almost certain that if they succeeded in keeping Brian away from his son, Gus would grow up believing that his father just hadn’t wanted him, hadn’t wanted to spend time with him. He would be made to feel that he had failed to win his father’s love.
Seeing that so clearly, Justin leaned forward, “You can’t let this happen, Brian. You can’t let them separate you from Gus completely. Even now, he must wonder why you don’t spend more time with him. Do you believe for a moment that they tell him it’s because they won’t let you?”
Brian looked at him for a moment, and then looked away. “Maybe that’s a good thing,” he offered helplessly. “Let him believe his father’s a worthless shit …”
Justin gripped his hand hard. “But he won’t, will he? It’s not you he’ll believe is worthless. Do you want Gus to grow up believing that he’s so defective even his own father didn’t want him, didn’t love him?”
The words struck Brian like blows, and Justin winced, knowing how he was hurting him.
“Brian,” he said gently, “that just isn’t right. No child should have to grow up believing that.”
The deeper layer of meaning in his works hung in the air between them. The words both confronted Brian with Justin’s understanding of how painful his childhood had been and at the same time warned him that he risked exposing Gus to that pain.
Brian swallowed hard and rubbed his free hand over his face. Then he faced the lawyer.
“Do it,” he said hoarsely.
Justin squeezed his hand and rubbed his other hand over Brian’s back, offering all the support and comfort he could.
The lawyer nodded at them both in satisfaction and stood. “I’ll just get the paperwork. Then we can send it off to Montreal. They’re on stand by to action it.”
As he left the room, Brian turned his eyes towards his lover. “You know there’s no going back after this, right?”
Justin sighed. “I know, Brian. But what else can we do?”
Brian sat silent for a moment while he pondered how weird it was that he found such comfort in that small word “we”.
Then Loxon came back and Brian found himself signing paper work and agreeing a further course of action that he would file to obtain regular visitation rights with his son, both in Toronto and in Pittsburgh. The international aspect of the latter might be a challenge, but Keith assured him that given that neither of the women had Canadian citizenship, it wouldn’t be as tough a battle as it might have been.
By the time they left the office, it was after three. They decided to head straight for the airport. It was unlikely they’d get an earlier plane, but they could have a drink and something to eat in the relative privacy of the first class lounge and try to find ways not to worry about what was happening, and going to happen, in Toronto.
*****
It was after midnight by the time they’d cleared airport security in Toronto and even Brian, desperate though he was to check on his son, acknowledged that it was way too late to turn up at the house; that to do so at that hour could only provoke the kind of confrontation that they both hoped to avoid.
They got a taxi easily enough, and the hotel suite was waiting and comfortable, but it was a long time before Brian could settle enough to sleep. He’d been moody and morose all during the trip, although doing his best, at least intermittently, to let Justin know that the problem wasn’t with him.
Justin knew that. Just as he knew what an incredible recognition of their relationship it was that Brian had asked him to share this trip with him. For himself, he was seething with anger, but none of it was in any way directed at Brian. For a man who’d been so damaged, and who’d had so little opportunity to see and understand how a loving relationship was meant to function, Brian was doing remarkably well. Yes, he’d had his little hissy fit over the past couple of days. But Justin knew how incredibly disappointed Brian had been at the visit being canceled. Worse, he’d been deeply hurt; because being Brian, he took it personally. He believed that it was because of some flaw in him that the woman who claimed to be his friend treated him that way, that he deserved nothing better.
No, it wasn’t Brian who was the focus of Justin’s anger.
All the while as they’d driven through heavily falling snow to the hotel, as he’d stood beside Brian while his lover drank the single glass of whisky he’d allowed himself, looking out through the frost-laced windows to the icy world beyond, as he lay beside his lover in the eerie glow of moonlight reflecting from snow while Brian finally fell into sleep, Justin’s anger grew. There was no heat in his anger, no fire, rather it was a cold rage, implacable, but icy as the world beyond the window. Eventually, it peaked and spilled out into the world.
Across town the women began to toss and turn in suddenly restless sleep. As they slept, they dreamed, dreamed of a world of ice and light. Light so bright it hurt the eyes, but cold; so cold that the light alone seemed to freeze the very blood as it flowed sluggishly through veins turned dark and blue. In their separate dreams, the light penetrated their eyes, flowing in through the pupils along the nerves to the brain and then to the heart where it shone brighter and brighter still, illuminating every dark corner. Every twist and turn in the psyche was remorselessly exposed to that horrifying icy light.
And the women saw themselves.
For Melanie, the revelation was a painful recognition of how demeaned she had been by her relationship with the woman who claimed to love her. She saw herself fighting Lindsay’s long-standing infatuation with the man she’d insisted father their son. Saw clearly how weakly she’d fought, constantly giving ground, paralyzed by the knowledge that if she threw everything into an attempt to break the bond Lindsay deliberately maintained with Brian, she would lose.
She saw how this had twisted her view of a man whom in another world she would have respected, might even have come to like. How she had allowed herself to blame Brian for all that was wrong between her and her partner. Saw how this twisted dislike of Brian was poisoning her relationship with the boy she loved as her son. Saw how much damage she had done, was doing to Gus. Saw how Lindsay had allowed even that, condoned it, as long as she could keep the link with Brian intact. Saw truly what that meant for her relationship with the woman she’d hoped to be with forever.
In the icy light that penetrated her deepest being Melanie saw her life, saw herself, and didn’t much like what she saw.
Weeping in her sleep, she came to some inner decision, and woke the next morning, knowing what she had to do, what she must do if she wanted to remain even a shred of the woman she’d thought herself to be.
Lindsay however fought the light, tried to run, tried to hide, twisted and turned in her own mind to escape the self knowledge that the light forced upon her. She tossed and turned, finally wrenching herself out of sleep to lie in the darkness reminding herself of why she was right, always right, to want Brian in her life, to want his son, to need to keep him dependent on her to be able to see his son. Reminded herself that that was best for all of them. Then fell asleep again to be assailed once more by that terrifying brightness.
*****
By the morning, both women were exhausted. They could hardly bear to look at each other, but they had a full day ahead of them, and lots to do, so they just had to get on with it.
Melanie spent the morning wondering how she was going to tell her erstwhile partner that she was going back to the States, perhaps to Florida; she had family there and she’d always hated Pittsburgh’s winters. And she was going alone.
She wondered what she could tell the little boy who called her “Mama”. She had to find a way to make things right for Gus, and although she hated the very idea of it, there was only one thing she could think of. While Lindsay made breakfast for Gus, and tried to find a way to keep him out from underfoot, Melanie booted up her computer, found the document she was looking for, and began to type.
It didn’t take long. Only a few words needed changing. By the time Lindsay came looking for her, it was done, and she was apparently occupied in packing up the printer and the laptop.
*****
Justin and Brian arrived at ten. Just before the removal men.
Lindsay’s look of shocked horror when she opened the door would in the future form the basis for another of Justin’s paintings. People would confidently attribute the look to the effects of terrorism or war or horrific natural disaster. They would all be wrong. What had caused the look was Brian’s arrival just as Lindsay was on the verge of running away with his son.
Before she could say anything, Gus saw his father on the doorstep and charged by her, gripping his father’s legs fiercely. Brian picked him up and after Gus had half strangled him, and given him two loving (though rather soggy kisses), the little boy said passionately, “I sorry, Daddy. I wanted to come. I did. I told Mommy and Mama and …”
Brian held him closely for a moment, kissing him and pressing his forehead against his son’s. “I know, Sonny boy. Don’t worry. We’ll have you come visit soon, I promise.”
Gus calmed down as soon as he knew his father didn’t blame him and that he still planned to make the visit happen. He released his death grip on Brian’s neck and sat back a little in his arms, his face shining now with joy at his father’s sudden appearance. It was just when he spotted Justin and was smiling at him beguilingly, clearly delighted that he had come with Brian, that the removal van arrived.
For a moment, Brian stared at it, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach at the implications of its presence. What if he hadn’t come this weekend? Would he ever have seen his son again?
Then the sick helplessness was replaced with anger. He handed Gus to Justin and after giving one furious glare at Lindsay went down to speak to the removal men. Something passed from his hands to theirs and they climbed back into the cab and drove away.
“Brian!” Lindsay remonstrated, “what do you think you’re doing? We need to move today. We …”
He cut her off with a gesture, and unexpectedly she fell silent.
Then she shrugged. “You’d better come in,” she said. “Although when Melanie …”
“When Melanie what?” came a voice from the stairs and the small dark haired woman came into view.
Both men were shocked at her appearance. She was pale and haggard and looked tired and ill. Lindsay, however, didn’t seem to notice.
“Mel, don’t get upset. There’s been a small misunderstanding with the movers. Brian sent them away. Can you call them and tell them we still need them?”
Melanie looked at her for a long moment.
“Have you always done that?” she asked, apparently rhetorically. “And I just let you?”
“What are you talking about?” Lindsay snapped, scared by the anger still pulsing from Brian, and irritated by her partner’s apparent lack of response to the fact that their worst nightmare had happened and Brian had arrived just when they looked like they were going to get away unhindered.
Not that Lindsay had actually planned to lose all contact with Brian. Of course not. But she’d been sure that after a little while of not hearing from them, of not knowing where his son was, that he’d see the need to be more reasonable about the money. After all, it’s not as if he could legally stop them going where they liked. He had no rights to Gus. None at all. He was completely dependent on her good will if he wanted to see his son. Which was a good thing for Gus, because everyone knew that Brian could never be relied upon. She needed to be vigilant and protect her son from ever feeling too close to his father because he would only be disappointed. Just as …
Well, that was all a long time ago, and really it was probably just as well that Brian hadn’t been prepared to get married and build some kind of life that fitted his status as a successful businessman while allowing him - well, them both really - discreet sexual encounters that were more to their individual tastes. Not that she’d hated sex with Brian. Far from it. But of course she’d never had any illusions that she could ever be what he needed sexaully. That didn’t matter. Brian only ever had one night stands, and as long as nobody knew, then why would they matter? But the problem was that he would never have been able to be discreet. Not Brian. And she just couldn’t have coped with all the scandal. No, really, this way was probably better. After all, she had the one thing that no one else could give him. His son. She knew he’d never agree to father a child with any other woman, and no matter how much that other little blond of his might want to cement their relationship as she had … well, biology had made sure that Justin or whatever his name was wasn’t really a threat.
But Brian turning up right now had spoiled all her plans, and Melanie, far from berating him and forcing him to leave, was simply standing there staring at her.
“For Heaven’s sake, Mel, what on earth do you mean?” she asked again, her voice petulant.
Melanie walked down the stairs and held out her arms to Gus. He somewhat reluctantly went to her and she hugged him close for a moment, despite his wriggles. Then she put him down and asked him if he could fetch her a glass of water. Proud to be given this responsibility he trotted off to the kitchen and at last Melanie met her partner’s eyes.
“You blame me to Brian, and Brian to me. You make us the bad guys to each other. And you always come out of it smelling of roses.”
Lindsay wasn’t the only one taken aback by her words. The two men stared at her, Justin possibly a little less astonished than Brian.
“Mel! I …”
Ignoring her, Melanie turned and retrieved a small bag from the steps behind her. Then, straightening she held out her hand to Brian.
“I’m sorry,” she said simply. “I’ve always blamed you for being the asshole when …” she shook her head quickly and then said in a very shaky voice, “when she’s such a bitch and I’m just a stupid cunt.”
Bemused, Brian allowed her to take his hand then looked down sharply at the paper she’d placed there.
“It should be okay,” she said. “At least in US courts. And if there are any problems I’ve put a contact address on the bottom. They’ll know where to find me.”
Then she turned to Lindsay who was crying, protesting and trying to embrace her. Shrugging out of Lindsay’s clasp she said, “You should know, I’ve signed my parental rights back to Brian. It’s the only way I can think of to keep Gus safe. To try to make things right for him. I love him, but …:”
She gave a sad little huff. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him. Every time I look at him I see … what a total fool I’ve made of myself for the last ten years. Trying to love someone who only ever … used me. Just used me.”
“Melanie, no! How can you say that?” Lindsay cried desperately.
The dark-haired woman laughed bitterly. “Easily enough, when it’s true.”
Lindsay stared at her, her own face becoming angry. “I left my home for you. I came all the way up here. Took Gus away from his father.”
Tiredly, Melanie shook her head. “You left because wanted to make sure Brian knew who had all the power in your little family group. It was nothing to do with me. Anyway,” stooping she once more picked up her bag. “It really doesn’t matter any more. Tell Gus goodbye for me. I’ll send for the rest of my stuff when I get settled.”
Then she would have walked out, but Brian stopped her.
“No,” he said firmly. “You can’t do that to him. You can’t just walk off as if he doesn’t matter.”
“Don’t you fucking understand?” she snapped hoarsely, her voice choked with tears. “I have to go. For his sake more than anything.”
“Then you have to explain,” Brian said quietly. “You at least need to tell him you love him and that you’re not leaving because of him. You can’t let him think that.”
Gus appeared just then, walking slowly and very carefully, clutching her glass of water. Feeling suddenly boneless, Mel turned and sank down onto the bottom stair.
Lindsay moved towards her son and went to say something, but found herself confronted by a still very angry Brian. He grabbed her arm and pushed her through the door of the living room past several crates and moving boxes.
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on here,” he hissed, “but you’ll fucking keep you mouth shut and let her do this properly so Gus doesn’t …”
At that point his voice wavered, and for the first time, Justin inserted himself into the situation.
“I’ll take care of her,” he said quietly, but there was an edge to his voice that made Lindsay suddenly almost afraid of him. Eying him warily, she hardly protested as he steered her further into the room, preferring to seek refuge in tears. She sank down onto the couch, sobbing piteously, while Justin watched her cynically.
Brian stayed in the doorway. Close enough to keep an eye on Gus and to be there for his son, but far enough away to give Melanie at least some feeling of privacy. His thoughts were in turmoil. He had no idea what was going on, why Melanie was leaving, why she’d suddenly done a complete turn around and signed back his damned rights, why he’d arrived just in time to intercept the movers, what the whole fucking deal was. He had every intention of getting the whole fucking story out of Lindsay if he had to shake it out of her.
But first, he needed to make sure that Gus was okay.
Melanie took the glass of water from Gus and downed half of it in one gulp. Then she put the glass down on the step behind, and drew the little boy to sit beside her. She wrapped one arm around him and said softly, “Gus, I have to go away. For a long time. A long long time.”
“No, Mama,” the little boy whispered.
Her face quivered and she buried it briefly in his hair.
“I have to, my darling. I just have to.”
“But why?” Gus whimpered.
She sighed and stroked his face. “Gus, my darling, my beautiful boy. It’s something Mama just has to do. If I could work out a way to stay with you, I would do it in a heart beat. Leaving you behind is the hardest thing Mama has ever done in her life. But …”
Briefly she looked up and across to where Brian stood, then she said more clearly, “Your Daddy’s here. And he knows this might make you unhappy, so he’s promised me that he’ll be around a lot more, that he’ll look after you now that I can’t any more.”
“I want to go home with Dadda,” the little boy said damply, reverting to the more childish form of his father’s name.
Mel nodded. “Yes, I think that would be a very good idea.”
“You could come too,” he offered hopefully.
She smiled sadly and kissed him. “No, Gus.”
“Is it ‘cause you don’t like my Daddy?” he asked.
“No, Gus. It’s not because of that. In fact …” once more her eyes moved to the tall silent man across the hall, “I think your Mama has been very silly about that. I think she’s just found out that your Daddy is a much better man than she ever realized.”
“Is it ‘cause you don’t love me anymore?” he whispered.
She hugged him tightly, trying desperately to stop the tears running down her face. “Oh, no, Gus, no. Mama loves you very very much.”
She tilted his little face up to hers. “Mama loved you the minute you were born and she will always love you. You have to remember that.”
He cried out then, trying to hold onto her as she stood, and swiftly Brian moved towards them.
He scooped Gus up into his arms and Gus wrapped his arms tightly around his father’s neck and sobbed into his shoulder.
“Say goodbye to your mother, Gus,” Brian instructed softly.
The little boy raised a woebegone face, but said obediently, “Bye, Mama.”
Unable to say anything, Melanie nodded at both of them then snatched up her bag and stumbled out of the house.
*****
Back in the living room, Justin put up with Lindsay’s tears for only a minute or two, then he said calmly, “They’re wasted on me, you know. I told you last time I was here that you can’t pull the shit on me that you do on Brian, that it won’t work.”
She stopped crying and looked up at him malevolently.
He didn’t think he’d ever seen a more unattractive sight. Her eyes were red and puffy, as was her nose, and her hair was a complete mess. But it wasn’t those things that made her so repulsive. It was the bitter air of betrayed self-righteousness that made his gorge rise. Once more the anger surged through him and meeting his eyes, Lindsay experienced a severe shock.
Justin seemed to tower over her, filling the room, and his normally warm blue eyes somehow penetrated her being like icy knives. They glowed at her with a cold eerie light, and she was once more back in her nightmares. That light, that light …
She tried to turn her eyes away, but that just made the light glow brighter. She forced her lids closed, but the light burned through them.
Eventually, with a little whimper, she collapsed onto the couch, curling into a fetal ball.
Justin met Brian in the doorway. “She’s not very well,” he said calmly. “I think it’s all been too much of a shock for her.”
Brian frowned. “What the fuck has been going on?” he asked, before becoming aware of the boy in his arms.
Gus gave a watery little laugh. “Daddy said a bad word,” he giggled.
Justin nodded. “Yes, Gus, he did. Daddies do sometimes.”
“So does Mama,” said Gus and then, remembering, his face clouded over again.
“I think Mommy would like a cup of tea,” Justin said pacifically. “Gus do you think you could show me where everything is so we can make her one?”
Gus nodded and reached out his arms to Justin, who took him, smiling at him.
“Most stuff’s in boxes,” Gus said. “But not the tea.”
“Well, that’s good, then. Let’s make some for Mommy, and maybe get a drink of juice for Gus. And perhaps a cup of coffee for Daddy to drink while he talks to Mommy.”
Brian gave a slight huff of exasperation at the thought of having to deal with a hysterical Lindsay, but was too relieved at Justin’s easy management of his son’s needs to protest too loudly at drawing the short straw. Besides he could hardly leave Justin to sort out this mess.
Gus nodded, happier, and Justin, with a sly look of commiseration over his shoulder at Brian, carried him out to the kitchen.
Brian took a deep breath and went into the living room. He found Lindsay still curled up, and touched her shoulder.
She jumped. Then curled up tighter. “Make him go away,” she whimpered, then again more loudly, “Make him go away!”
“What? Who? What the fuck are you talking about?” Brian demanded.
“Him. That horrible man.”
“Justin?” Brian said bewildered. “What the fuck did Justin do?”
His tone carried complete disbelief. Whoever was at the bottom of what had gone wrong in this house, he found it hard to believe it was Justin.
“He looked at me!” Lindsay wailed.
That almost did it for Brian. Of all the fucking stupid …
“Lindsay, sit up!” he said sharply, and to her surprise as well as Brian’s, she did, but droopily. As if she had no energy, no will left to her.
“Now what the fuck is going on?”
Lindsay shook her head pitiably, apparently unable to speak. Finally she mumbled, mostly to herself, “I don’t know. Why? Why would she suddenly just walk out? It’s not like we’ve really been together anyway. Why would she suddenly do this?”
She broke off, suddenly wary of saying too much. The truth was she and Melanie hadn’t actually been together for quite a while. They’d both stayed in the house, they couldn’t afford not to. But they had had separate rooms, and separate lives for months. But if Brian had known that, he would have insisted that she bring Gus back to Pittsburgh, and she hadn’t been ready to. Least of all at Brian’s insistence. The whole point had been to make sure that Brian knew how totally dependent on her he was where Gus was concerned. When she’d been ready she’d planned to throw out the possibility of going back, and then watch Brian turn himself inside out to make it happen. He would have offered just about anything.
Including getting a house for them. For her and Brian and Gus, anyway. Melanie … well, that had been over for a long time, really. It would have been natural, leave Melanie, need somewhere to live. Brian would want Gus around. They could have lived together quite happily. But then things went completely wrong.
When he came. He was the one who’d thrown things out of joint. He was altogether hateful and …
Inwardly she quailed. She couldn’t fight him. Couldn’t. Wouldn’t. He’d look at her again. Make her look at herself. And she wouldn’t. She just wouldn’t.
At that point Justin walked in carrying a tray with Gus beside him.
Despite herself she gave a quick glance at him, then quickly looked away.
Justin placed the tray on a crate and handed her a cup of tea. She took it, still refusing to look at him. Then she remembered Gus and held out a shaky hand to her son.
Gus, totally confused by the morning’s events, but obscurely feeling that his Mommy had made the bad things happen moved closer to Justin, leaning slightly against his hip. Justin rubbed a hand over his head, fondly.
“Gus is fine. He’s been helping me to unpack some things in the kitchen. Now we’re going to go upstairs and he’s going to do me a drawing of where he’d like to go with his Daddy this afternoon. Aren’t you Gus?”
Gus nodded vigorously.
Brian gave his lover a look that promised rewards of all kinds later and Justin grinned at him before taking Gus’s hand and asking him to lead the way to his room.
Then Brian turned to Lindsay, who sat listlessly sipping her tea.
Brian picked up the cup of coffee his lover had brought for him, and pulled one of the armchairs free from its position upturned on another, and sat down.
“So tell me what’s been going on, Linds,” he said. His voice was calm, but Lindsay, forcing herself out of the fog that seemed to surround her to take a quick look at him quailed a little. He was still furiously angry.
She tried to summon up the energy to build the fabrications she needed, but it just wouldn’t come. Finally she gave in. Her voice was lifeless as she told him the truth - or as close to it as she could get.
“We broke up again just after we moved up here. She couldn’t get a proper job, because they wouldn’t recognize her qualifications unless she went back to college and studied at least two years of Canadian law, and she didn’t want to and we couldn’t afford it anyway. And the job I was supposed to get fell through because they said I had to have permanent resident status to take it and to get that we would have had to wait back in Pittsburgh - probably for at least a year. They said that by coming up here without it, we’d risked them not processing it at all, or at least not until we’d gone back and …
“So there was hardly any money, and it was just all horrible, and Mel wanted to go back, but I said … well, I didn’t, and she wouldn’t go back without Gus and …
“It was all just horrible. And then when I was ready to go back, she’d got this paralegal work and they said that if she stuck at it then the work experience might allow her to qualify to practice law here, so then she didn’t want to leave and wouldn’t let me take Gus.”
Her voice trailed off.
“What happened on Wednesday?” Brian demanded softly.
She shrugged. “Mel was working on something for a big case and they wouldn’t give her the time off and she wouldn’t let me take Gus without her in case I didn’t come back and we fought about it and then finally she said she’d had enough and she wanted to move out of the house.
“I told her I couldn’t afford to stay here without her, and she said that was just too bad, and I should ask you for the money, but …” for the first time her voice held some energy. “I didn’t want to. I didn’t want you to be the one in control, and I knew you would be if you knew what was going on, so …”
Once more her voice faded. “I made arrangements to move into another place. It’s small, but I could afford it, just about. And Mel said she’d pay something for Gus, so …”
She looked up, suddenly looking alarmed. “We have to go though. We have to go today. The rent’s due and we haven’t paid …”
Brian pinched the bridge of his nose. This at least he could handle. He pulled out his cell and dialed a well worn number and was rewarded with the sound of Ted’s voice grunting a grumpy, “Come back from the dead, have we boss? What the fuck do you want on a Saturday morning?”.
Brian gave a little smile, recognizing the relief imperfectly concealed. He felt a twinge of remorse, realizing that his friends would have been worried about him.
“I’m fine, Theodore, and how are you?” he asked smoothly.
Ted read the apology in the tone, if not the words and said, “Just dandy, for someone who was enjoying a free Saturday on a holiday weekend.”
Brian gave a chuff of laughter which at the other end of the phone Ted was desperately relieved to hear.
After the canceled party, he and Emmett had helped Justin tidy the house and pack away anything that might have reminded Brian of his son’s aborted visit. But since then they’d heard nothing and they had both been worried.
“I’m in Toronto,” Brian said, making Ted even more relieved.
At least Brian would make sure that everything was okay with Gus.
“I need you to do some stuff for me.”
Brian went on to explain what he wanted done, leaving Ted nodding and asking the minimum of questions to make sure that he had all of Brian’s instructions absolutely clear.
“Okay, boss, I’m on it,” he said at last. “I’ll call you back as soon as it’s all organized.”
“I count on it, Theodore,” Brian said. Then added softly, “Thanks, Ted.”
Clicking the cell shut, he looked at Lindsay. “Ted’s going to fix up the rent and look after all that. We’ll send someone up here from the office to sort out all the shipping and stuff.”
She stared at him vaguely, not quite comprehending.
“And he’s booking tickets for us all on a flight back to Pittsburgh tonight.”
At this last, she reacted, flushing. “No, Brian. I don’t want …”
He regarded her grimly. “I don’t give a flying fuck what you want,” he said. “Gus wants to go home. And that’s what’s happening. You can come with us, or you can stay here and fucking rot for all I care, but Gus is coming home with me.”
She stared at him for a moment and seemed ready to reject the idea violently, but just then Justin walked back into the room. After one startled look at him, Lindsay seemed once more to shrink back into herself and made no further argument.
Justin ignored her completely. “Gus wants to show you his drawing,” he said to Brian.
Brian reached out a hand and Justin moved towards him and took it, squeezing it for a moment and then moving aside to let Gus approach his father.
Shyly Gus stood in front of Brian, clutching a piece of paper.
Brian did his best to shrug aside all the tension and ill feeling that had been swirling around the room, and smiled at him. “Well, come and let me see it, Sonny boy.”
“This is what Gus wants to do this afternoon,” Justin reminded him.
Brian’s smile slipped a little. “Well, as long as it’s something we can do quickly,” he said.
Gus’ face fell, and Brian rushed on, “Because we’re getting a plane home later today and it would be fu … terrible if we missed it.”
Gus’ eyes lit up and he clambered onto Brian’s knee, grabbing his father’s sweater in a way that would have brought annihilation down on anyone else.
“Really?” he said his voice squeaking with excitement, “Really, truly?”
“Really truly,” Brian nodded, his delight at his son’s response lighting his own eyes.
“If Teddy wants to keep his fucking job,” he murmured under his breath.
Gus ignored that part. “We could do this really quick,” he said hopefully and held up the paper so his father could see it.
Brian took a deep breath and prayed to any God who’d hear him that he would be able to make out what his son had drawn.
As it turned out, he had no need to worry. It was very clear. In the drawing a tall man stood in the middle of what was, judging by the trees and wobbly paths, clearly a park. Beside him was an angular structure even taller than he was; two lines snaked down from the top of the structure, and between them was a smaller seated figure wearing a top just the color of the one Gus had on. Something in the way it was drawn captured the joyous sense of movement, almost of flying. And Brian thought for a moment he could even hear the small figure laugh.
Gus wanted his father to take him to the park and push him on the swings.
“Mama said you wouldn’t want to,” Gus said dolefully. “She said you’d be too busy pushing something else. I asked her what but she wouldn’t tell me. Mommy wouldn’t let her.”
His words filled Justin once more with anger that he only managed to banish when he heard the ensuing conversation between Brian and his son.
Brian, on the other hand, wasn’t angered by the words - Melanie had gone and in doing so had given him back his son. He wasn’t even hurt by them. What they did for Brian was to fill him with absolute certainty that in coming up here, whatever had been triggered by his visit, he had done the right thing for his son. Under no circumstance was Gus going to be left to believe that his father didn’t want him, didn’t want to spend time with him.
“Maybe she thought I’d rather push you on a bike,” Brian offered, and Justin wanted to hug him for giving such a clever answer.
Gus looked happily surprised. Clearly the idea that the only reason his father wouldn’t want to push him on the swings was that he wanted them to do something else together was a very welcome one. Then he considered. “I can’t ride a bike yet,” he said, then, allowing his voice to sound deeply mournful, “I even don’t have a bike.”
His eyes peered up at his father hopefully. Brian grinned at him, and reached under his arms to tickle him.
“We’ll see about it when we get home to Pittsburgh,” he said. “If you’re good today at the park.”
Gus gave a squeal of delight, and Brian laughed and Justin’s anger melted away.
*****
They spent a surprisingly exhausting couple of hours at the park, leaving Lindsay to finish any personal packing. They had hot dogs for lunch, and both Justin and Brian took turns at pushing Gus on the swing. They also supervised his play on the slide, and the monkey bars and the jungle gym and Justin sat with him in the sandpit sculpting a plane out of the coarse sand while his father stepped aside and rang his solicitor.
After apologizing for breaking once more into his weekend, Brian explained the situation briefly.
“Best thing you could do,” Loxon affirmed. “But if the notification has gone through, then both Lindsay and Gus could already be flagged in the system. That’s okay, you just need to make sure that you’ve got all the paperwork. All your passports, Gus’ birth certificate and the paper that Ms Marcus gave you this morning. You might have a few more questions to answer at immigration but it should be fine. If you have any problems once you get into the States, call me. If there are any problems in Canada call this number. I’ll give them a heads up so they’ll be on alert just in case. But I don’t think you will. Provided you’ve got the paper work I think they’ll be glad to get you all out of the country and make any messy custody battles the problem of the US courts.”
He gave Brian a number and hearing his client’s slight sigh of relief, he went on sincerely, “This is a good thing, Brian. It’s the best thing that could have happened. For your kid as well as for you.”
Brian thanked him and ended the call. For a moment he watched the two men in his life, both of them deeply engaged in their task. Then Gus looked up and saw him and his happy smile almost stabbed his father to the heart, so deeply did the joy penetrate.
He strode over and joined them, folding his long legs into the sandpit taking care not to damage the plane. Listening to Gus tell him all about it, pointing out the wings and the windows and the propellers and the tail, he somehow couldn’t get the smile off his face.
While Gus made a small alteration to one of the windows, and put in a door, he reached out and touched Justin’s hair. Justin’s smile matched his own, and Brian stared at him for moment, wondering just how this had happened to him, how he had suddenly found his life so full of love. Then Justin pursed his lips in a kiss-blowing gesture and whispered, “Later” and Brian stopped wondering and just accepted.
Life was good.
*****
They had very little trouble with immigration at either end, although as Loxon had predicted, they did need all the paperwork. When they stepped off the plane in Pittsburgh, Justin holding the arm of a sleepy Lindsay and Brian carrying a dead to the world Gus, both Ted and Emmett were waiting for them.
Brian was slightly surprised at how glad he was to see them, but he had to admit that they were just what he needed right then. They helped the tired travelers find seats while they collected all the luggage, then efficiently moved them through the airport to two waiting cabs.
“I think Lindsay should come and stay with me for a while,” Emmett said, loading her cases into the back of one cab, while Ted stowed all Gus’ things into the other. “We can have some girly time together and eat lots of ice cream and watch weepy movies.”
“And Gus can spend some time with his father,” Ted finished, virtually pushing Brian into his cab, while Emmett kindly but relentlessly assisted a dazed Lindsay into the other.
Ted stopped for a moment to stick his head in through the door and say to Brian, “Turns out Cynthia’s got family in Toronto. She jumped at the thought of a week’s paid time up there.”
Brian felt more of the stresses of the last few days melt away. If Cynthia was in charge then everything involved in sorting things out in Toronto would go smoothly. And they could surely manage without her at Kinnetik for a week. He hoped.
Ted moved aside to let Justin pass Gus to Brian. Before he moved round the car to slide into the other seat, Justin turned and hugged him. “Thanks, Ted. You are an absolute star.”
Ted gave him a shy smile, “Just doing my job,” he said with an air of embarrassment.
“And don’t think I’m going to give you a fucking raise,” Brian grunted.
Ted laughed, on familiar ground now. “Wouldn’t dream of it, boss,” he said.
Brian stole a look down at his sleeping son and then looked up once more at his friend through the small window. “Thanks, Teddy,” he said softly.
Ted grinned. “You should probably thank Emmett,” he replied. “He’s the one who’s gonna take the heat when she wakes up properly.”
Justin smiled as he closed the door of the car. “Oh, I don’t think there’ll be much heat,” he said. “I’ve got the feeling Lindsay’s been cooled off a bit.”
But by then the cab was already pulling away and Brian was occupied with Gus and neither of the men really heard him. Ted walked off and climbed into the other cab.
*****
Gus woke a little as he was carried into the house cradled safely in Brian’s arms.
“Mommy?” he mumbled uncertainly, still half asleep.
Brian felt his stomach clench.
“No, honey,” Justin soothed the little boy. “Mommy’s going to stay with Emmett for a little while. Do you remember Emmett?”
The name conjured for the boy vague memories of a tall man who wore funny clothes and often gave him nice things to eat. “Emmett,” he repeated sleepily.
“And you’re going to stay with Daddy for a while,” Justin went on.
“Daddy,” the little boy said, his face smiling now. “Daddy.”
Then the word seemed to penetrate his sleepiness and suddenly his eyes opened, the sleepy look banished.
“Daddy!” he squeaked, delightedly, wriggling in Brian’s arms till he could wrap his own around his father’s neck. “Daddy!”
Brian hugged him, his heart suddenly pounding.
Gus was here. Despite everything, after all the traumas, Gus was safely here in his home. He kissed his son suddenly and then tossed him to his shoulder while the little boy giggled with joy and carried him through the house.
Justin opened the door to Gus’ room. The toys and other paraphernalia that had been packed in here had mysteriously disappeared, and the room looked inviting and ready for a tired little pirate.
Gus’ eyes opened wide when he saw the painting on the wall. “That’s Gus!” he said excitedly, pointing to the smaller pirate. “And Daddy!” he added.
“Did you make this, Daddy?” he asked.
Justin snorted. Brian could barely draw a stick figure.
Brian gave him a surreptitious slap on the rear, but replied, “No, Gus. Justin painted this just for you.”
Gus gave Justin one of his most beguiling smiles. “Thank you, Justin,” he said sweetly. Then he seemed to consider, and stared hard at the painting. “Where you?” he demanded.
“I’m up there,” Justin said, pointing to the figure in the rigging. Gus nodded, clearly happy that Justin was included in his pirate world.
“We can play pirates tomorrow,” he said. “Daddy can be Cap’ain Crook and I’ll be …”
But before he could even finish the sentence, he was overtaken with a huge yawn.
Justin grinned at him. “Bed for you, I think,” he said.
Gus was about to argue, despite the fact that his eyes were starting to droop again, when he caught sight of the bed. The thought of curling up in a real treasure chest was enough to still any further protests and while Brian got him out of his clothes, Justin went and fetched a face washer to at least wash his face and hands. Anything more would have to wait till morning.
He fussed a little when they first tried to leave, but when Justin left them alone, whispering that he'd see Captain Crook later, and Brian started to read him ‘just one story’ he was out like a light before his father had gotten to the end of the first page.
Just before he drifted off, he murmured sleepily, “I love you, Daddy.”
He may well have been asleep before his father could master his voice enough to respond, “I love you too, Sonny boy. Always have, always will.”
For the next installment, you could go to: Justin!Rage #3:Christmas Lights