New Fic - Always Have, Always Will - Part One
It seems to me like an incredibly long time since I've written anything. The past couple of months have just flown by, and life has been more than a little peculiar, one way and another.
When I first posted "Never Have, Never Will" there were a few people who kindly said they'd like a sequel. Well, it's a case of 'be careful what you ask for' because here it is. I'd hoped to get it finished this weekend, but that's back when I thought it was going to be around five pages. It's three times that now, so I'm going to post it in two parts. I hope to get the second one up in the next few days - by the weekend at the latest.
This was originally intended to be a Christmas fic. And might still turn out to be somewhere towards the end. But it's kinda low on the warm and fuzzies. I don't think I realised till I started writing it just how angry I was, and still am, with Lindsay and Melanie. In a way this has been cathartic, but if you're an L&M fan, don't bother. In some ways, this one makes my anti-Mikey stance look as if I actually kinda like him. Seriously. I've come to the conclusion that I truly despise those women.
As usual, all fics are definitely adults only, so by clicking on the links below you are signifying that you are over the age of majority in the country in which you live and legally old enough to view work intended only for adults.
BTW, if you haven't read NHNW, this won't make any sense at all really. So it's here if you want to catch up with that first:
Justin!Rage stories index
Anyway, here is the new one. It starts maybe a week or so after NHNW ended.
Always Have, Always Will: Part One
Toronto in the Fall was beautiful. It was cold, but so far there had been very little snow and the sun shone brightly in a clear blue sky, while the air had that unmistakably icy nip of oncoming winter. It was November - about two weeks before Thanksgiving. American Thanksgiving, Justin reminded himself. In Canada, Thanksgiving took place earlier.
They’d come to Toronto to visit Brian’s son. As they drove to the suburban address, Brian tried clumsily, with a sort of ugly self deprecation that Justin hated, to warn him in some way about what their welcome was likely to be. But nothing could have prepared Justin for the attitude of the two women who were the mothers of Brian’s son.
He found the venomous hostility that the dark haired woman who was Gus’ second mother made no attempt to hide or disguise shocking enough. This was the woman to whom Brian had signed over his parental rights; the one who, as far as Justin could see, owed Brian an enormous debt of gratitude for that alone. Not to mention for his ongoing financial support - money that he didn’t even insist was ear-marked solely for Gus, but allowed them to spend as they liked.
Yet from the moment Melanie opened the door she attacked Brian in various ways, some open, some more covert. Vicious little comments about his lifestyle were mixed with smug reminders about her status as Gus’ parent - and Brian’s lack thereof. She even spitefully asked how Debbie, was going; knowing that the woman still insisted on blaming Brian for Michael’s death, knowing what an open wound that was for Brian.
Even more despicably, as far as Justin was concerned, she kept pointing out to Justin all of Brian’s flaws - as she saw them. Especially those relating to his “unreliability” and his promiscuity, which for some reason that escaped Justin she seemed to think were linked. And she did it under the guise of “friendly” teasing. It was horrible.
Justin, who had won the story of how and why he’d had signed over his parental rights to Mel from a drunken Brian two days before they’d left for Toronto, debated whether to openly challenge her by asking in what way a person who was open about his sexual adventures was less reliable than a liar and a cheat who’d fucked around behind her post-natal partner’s back. But he decided to bide his time.
This wasn’t about him, or even Brian, it was about the beautiful boy who, on their arrival, had stood shyly at the top of the front steps as they’d come through the gate, and then had suddenly thrown himself into his father’s arms, wrapping his own arms round Brian’s neck and saying over and over in a choking voice, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.”
Justin would never forget the look on his lover’s face as he held his son for the first time in months, or the desperate longing in the boys’ voice. For Gus’ sake, and for Brian’s, Justin resolved to keep his temper. Sometime in the future, if these two women kept this up, the right moment would come.
Because it wasn’t just Melanie who triggered Justin’s anger. At least with Mel, the hostility was open and directed towards Brian, of whom she was clearly envious - for a number of reasons, some of which Justin even found at least vaguely understandable.
Her partner’s hostility was expressed far more subtly and was targeted, not at Brian directly, but at him. Or at least his relationship with Brian.
Over and over as the difficult day went on, Lindsay would smile at Justin and, gushing a little over his talent (Brian had apparently sent her some photos of his work), would tell him how he must travel, he must see Italy and Greece and visit London and Paris. She emphasized his youth, and how much he had ahead of him. She took every opportunity to stress the contrasts between him and Brian, making it sound as if Brian were closer to fifty than to thirty.
Justin had to fight not to let his anger erupt disastrously. This fucking bitch was deliberately pushing all Brian’s buttons, playing on all his feelings of worthlessness, his fears of ageing and deep-seated fears of abandonment, doing her best to drive a wedge between him and Justin, to keep him alone, just so she could feed her own sicko little fantasies. And all the time she was hundreds of miles away playing happy families with a harpy who made no secret of her loathing for Brian, with Brian’s son and on Brian’s money.
Justin sat and seethed in silence, fighting his own demon of anger.
Then, over dinner, with Gus tucked safely into bed, Lindsay made a supposedly throw away comment about what an unlikely couple they seemed. Justin, a long way from stupid, knew that part of the reason for the comment was that she expected that just mentioning the word ‘couple’ would send Brian into a spasm of denial. For some reason that was the last straw for Justin. At that point that his good intentions went momentarily out the window.
Smiling at her brightly, he said, “Oh, I don’t know. We’re both men; we’re hot and smart. We both like cock. We both want as much as we can get. And we both enjoy each other’s. Seems to me we’re a perfect match.”
Without warning he launched into an off key rendition of the cheesy theme music, then in a dramatic TV announcer voice said: “What question would you like to ask Number One, Brian?”
In a gruff imitation of Brian, he ‘responded’: “Let’s cut to the chase. Number One, how would you describe your cock sucking technique?”
In a caricature of his own voice, he said brightly, “I suck like a Hoover, Brian and I love it.”
Back to Brian’s voice: “I’ll take Number One - right now.”
The announcer’s voice again: “And there you have it - another Perfect Match!”
Brian gave a quiet chuckle at this performance. Melanie’s vinegar look of disapproval indicated that perhaps she’d come to the conclusion that Justin was a better match for Brian Kinney than she’d realized, and that it did him no credit. Lindsay, however, pursed her lips prissily.
“I think you’ll find there’s a little more to any relationship than sex, Justin.”
He felt Brian tense next to him at the tone in her voice and immediately modified the response trembling on his lips. He forced a shrug. “Sure. But good sex surely doesn’t hurt.”
He broke off, considering, and gave a laugh. “Well, actually, sometimes when it’s really hot it does. But that’s part of it.”
He touched Brian’s leg and smiled at him. Brian met his eyes, and after a moment returned his smile. Justin felt something in him ache, actually ache, at the tentativeness in Brian’s eyes. He forced down his anger and smiled at Brian once more, his own face softening as he met those amazing hazel eyes that had from the beginning, intrigued and charmed him. How anyone could look into those eyes and claim that Brian was an unrepentant asshole was beyond him.
He turned his attention back to his opponent and, keeping his voice calm and even, said, “But you and Mel must know that. I mean, you’ve been together a long while, haven’t you? You must still enjoy each other - or what’s the point?”
Something passed between the women then - not so much a look as a moment of mutual frozen stillness, and Justin knew then with absolute certainty that there was something very wrong here. He guessed they were once more having problems. Having heard the history of their on-again, off-again relationship from Emmett, that didn’t surprise him. Issues that had been serious enough to drive both of them to the infidelity they professed to despise and to twice spend months apart, were not going to be resolved just because a bomb blast had momentarily driven them back together in panic.
But he kept his mouth shut on his suspicions, not wanting to create any waves that might swamp Brian’s attempt to get these women to allow him to spend more time with his son.
Instead he changed the subject, asking about one of the prints on the wall - a Matisse he hadn’t seen before. Lindsay was happy to show off her knowledge, and the moment passed.
Brian sent a silent thank you to his … whatever Justin was, and decided that now was as good a time as any to start the ball rolling with his campaign to see more of Gus.
“It’s Thanksgiving soon,” he said.
“Not up here, it’s not,” snapped Mel.
Brian didn’t bite, he simply went on. “I thought maybe you’d like to come down to Pittsburgh for the weekend - longer if you want. You could stay at a hotel, and maybe … I thought Gus could stay with me. For a day or so, anyway. I mean … I’d pay. Hotel, air fare … whatever you need.”
Both women looked startled.
“Well, Brian, I don’t know. I mean, the loft’s not really suitable …”
Justin wanted to slap Lindsay for the self-righteous prudishness of her tone alone.
“I’m not at the loft any more.”
Lindsay stared at him.
“I’ve … I’ve bought another place. A house,” he confessed softly.
Lindsay turned her eyes to Justin. Then back to Brian. Justin strongly had the feeling that rather than bolster Brian’s chances, the fact that he’d sold the loft, that he was moving on from the ‘bad boy’ image she clearly clung to, was just about the worse thing he could have said. Short of announcing that they’d moved in together anyway. Which they hadn’t quite. Yet. Technically Justin still had his apartment, but he was using it more and more as just a work space, spending nearly every night at Brian’s new place, and having considerable input into the choice of both location and décor.
“But the loft … I mean …”
Brian shrugged irritably. “You’ve all spent years telling me I should sell the place, let go of the past. Well, I finally decided to do it. What’s the big deal?”
Lindsay couldn’t stop staring at him. Clearly she was more than shocked by this evidence of Brian’s changes, she was appalled.
Melanie however took up the argument. “I don’t give a fuck if you’ve moved into a palace, there is no way I’d trust my son to you for even an hour, let alone overnight.”
Justin bit his tongue till he was surprised he couldn’t taste blood.
“It won’t be just me,” Brian argued. “Justin will be there as well.”
‘Uh-oh,’ Justin thought. ‘Bad move, Brian.’
Lindsay’s smile was so fake, Justin was surprised her face didn’t crack. It was an image that would stay with him, and some time in the future he would paint a woman with her face cracking apart and a cascade of repulsive worms and insects spilling out of it. The critics would rave, and he would sell it for a great deal of money. In that sense, perhaps, he should have felt some gratitude to Lindsay for the inspiration. But all he felt at the moment was the anger he had to fight so desperately to bank down. He couldn’t let it erupt here. This was too important to Brian.
“Brian … Justin seems very sweet. But we don’t really know him, and he’s so young.” She leaned forward, fake sincerity oozing from her pores. “It would be a mistake to let Gus get too attached to someone who … well, I mean … Justin isn’t in a position to make any sort of long term commitment at the moment, he’s far too young and who knows where life will take him once he’s finished school.”
“And we all know that you’re not going to stop fucking around, so you’re not exactly a great prize, are you, Kinney?”
Lindsay bit her lip, and gave Melanie a look that clearly said, ‘let me handle this’.
“Brian,” she went on, “It’s not as if you really want that sort of relationship. You never have. You enjoy your freedom. And I’m sure Justin does too. He doesn’t want to be tied down. So it’s just not fair to Gus to …”
Justin could feel the pain coursing through the man beside him and he’d had enough. He didn’t have to shed blood, but on the other hand he didn’t have to sit here passively and let this pair of bitches attack his … his partner, he decided. No matter what these vicious cows thought, and even if Brian wasn’t yet ready to vocalize it, they were partners.
He gave a little smile at both women and said casually, “I’ve always thought it strange when people who are in happy, committed relationships spend so much time talking their single friends out of them. When I’m feeling cynical, I think it’s because no matter what they say, they’re not really all that happy.”
He blinked at his opponents in an innocence as fake as Lindsay’s sincerity and went on, “But when I’m feeling really cynical, I think that they’re just entirely selfish and trying to hold onto something good all for themselves.”
Melanie looked at once startled and a little puzzled, as if she wasn’t quite sure how to react. Lindsay however heard exactly what he was saying and glared at him with pure malevolence.
Justin tilted his chin up and said firmly, “Brian and I are doing just fine. We haven’t known each other all that long, and we’re taking things slowly, but I plan on being around for a long time. Even if we stop fucking, I think we’ll always be friends.” He smiled at Brian. “Mind you, I can’t imagine ever not wanting to fuck him. But I really, really can’t imagine not having him in my life, one way or another, either. So why don’t you leave us to worry about where our relationship is going and stop talking such a load of crap.”
As Mel opened her mouth to argue, Justin drilled her with a very straight look. “Don’t talk bullshit about not wanting to have Gus upset because of any attachment he might form to me. You didn’t hesitate in taking him away from everyone and everything he’d ever known and dragging him up here. You didn’t give a fuck about his feelings then, and you don’t now. You just want to jerk Brian’s chain.”
“Brian!” Lindsay spluttered. “Are you going to let him …?”
“Brian doesn’t ‘let me’ do anything, Lindsay,” Justin said calmly. “And the last thing that I want to do is to cause him problems with you two. But you have to know that you can’t pull the crap on me that you pull on him. It just won’t work. So let’s talk turkey. What will it take to get you to agree to this Thanksgiving visit? Should we hire a full time Nanny to look after Gus while he’s with us? What do you want?”
Lindsay actually dropped silent.
Melanie didn’t.
“You think I’d fucking sell my son?”
Justin smiled. “Not at all. I think that you have been offered a nice all expenses paid holiday weekend down in Pittsburgh which will give you a chance to catch up with your friends there. It will also give Gus the chance to spend some time with his father. If it makes you feel more confident that Gus will be properly cared for Brian will hire a Nanny to make absolutely sure that Gus is safe and well looked after at all times. What I want to know is what you’re afraid of?”
Again there was that strange moment of absolute stillness from the two women. Then Lindsay recovered her voice.
“Brian, this isn’t really a subject that …” There was a momentary pause before she said maliciously, “that strangers should be involved in. Perhaps we can talk about it later.”
Justin found himself holding his breath waiting for Brian’s response. He realized that he was scared, terrified almost. He’d gone too far. He had no right to interfere in this way, especially not about Gus. But he hadn’t been able to just sit there and let Brian take all the shit that these women threw at him. As if Brian believed he deserved it all. Fuck!
For a long moment Brian was silent, torn between anger and fear. Anger at all of them, including Justin. Fear that he could lose everything here - including Justin. He just wanted to get up and walk out. Fuck them all!
But at the same time, in direction contradiction to those fears, he felt once more the new sense of support, of comfort and solace that Justin had brought into his life. For so many years, each hurt, each insult, each spiteful comment - from his family, his friends, the world in general - had had to be buried. They couldn’t be shrugged off, because it had been drummed into him when he had no resources to defend himself that he deserved them all. So they had been buried deep in his heart, his soul, along with the ghost of the hurt and damaged child he’d once been, because there was no one to whom he could ever have turned for comfort. Not even Mikey. Especially not Mikey who had been so needy on his own account; Mikey for whom he’d always had to be the strong one.
Except now, now there there was someone who …
Brian clamped down on those emotions. He wasn’t some fucking fragile little flower. He didn’t need any fucking protector. But at the same time, no matter how much he might deny needing or evening wanting a defender, his heart was in some way warmed by the fact that apparently he had one. Instinctively, he reached out to the source of those feelings and gripped Justin’s hand hard. Strong fingers twined with his, and held secure in that clasp he raised his eyes a little and looked up at Lindsay from under a frowning brow.
“I’d actually like to hear the answer to Justin’s question, Linds,” he said. “What the fuck are you so afraid of?”
“Brian, we’ve just got Gus settled up here,” she started.
“You said he’d settled in fine months ago,” he reminded.
“Look, asshole, he’s our son and we don’t need to explain ourselves to you.”
Justin bit his lip, forcing himself to keep silent.
Brian nodded. “Fair enough”, he said.
Then abruptly he stood. “I guess there’s nothing more to be said then.”
Lindsay got up quickly. “Brian, don’t be like this. It’s just … you sprang this on us. We need time to …”
He shook his head. “I sent an email weeks ago saying I’d like you to come down for Thanksgiving. That I wanted to spend some time with Gus.”
He gave a long level look at her and then a sneer in Melanie’s direction.
“You don’t want me to. Fine. That’s …” Another glare at Melanie. “That’s your prerogative. You are his parents.”
Justin had also risen and now stepped close to his side.
“But …” Brian took a deep breath, and with a sudden courage that he knew he was drawing from the young man beside him, went on, “the gravy train stops here.”
Both women stared at him: Lindsay appalled, Melanie speechless with anger.
“I’ll talk to my solicitor when I get back to Pittsburgh. From now on there’ll be no more cash on demand. No more money just to throw away on anything you feel like. From now on, it all goes on Gus, on what he needs - clothing, school, anything - he’ll have everything he needs. But you won’t touch a cent, and none of it will go on anything but his personal needs. And I’ll have it set in concrete to make sure that happens.”
“How the fuck do you think we’re going to manage, asshole?” Melanie snapped. “How do you think we’re going to keep a roof over his head?”
He stared at her for a moment, and then turned to Lindsay. “You’ve both got jobs,” he said slowly. Then he said more sharply, “Haven’t you?”
Once more, through that strange frozen stillness, Justin could feel the ugliness in the air. This was spiraling out of control and he was suddenly afraid. They would be on a plane back to Pittsburgh tomorrow night, leaving Gus with these two women. If they were desperate, they might do anything.
“Brian, sit down,” he said softly. “Let’s all sit down and work out what we really need to do here.”
“I don’t fucking appreciate being threatened,” Melanie seethed.
Justin nodded, forcing calmness on the situation, drawing on all his resources. “I don’t think Brian … or I … meant it as a threat, Mel. We’re sorry if it came across that way. Brian just wants to spend Thanksgiving with Gus. Let’s start with that and see if we can work something out. Lindsay?”
To his great relief, Brian lost some of the tense anger and looked at Lindsay sadly, “Linds, please.”
She took a deep breath, and sat with assumed dignity. “Justin’s right. We shouldn’t let things get so out of control. Brian … if you really want us to come down at Thanksgiving, I’m sure something could be arranged. And maybe Gus could spend the days with you but come to us at the hotel at night.”
Brian nodded, relieved. “Okay. That could work.”
Justin felt his anger rising again. But this wasn’t the time. And there would be other visits. They’d fight one battle at a time.
Melanie was glaring at all three of them. “I can’t just fucking take time off whenever I feel like it, you know.”
Lindsay said sweetly, but with a strange urgency in her voice, “I’m sure you could manage a couple of days. Or else Gus and I could go down on Wednesday night and you could come down as soon as you can get away.”
Melanie glared at her. “You’re not taking him without me.”
“Then come with us,” Lindsay said reasonably. But her eyes moved quickly towards Justin and then Brian before coming back to her partner’s in what was unmistakably some sort of message.
Justin was left wondering exactly what that message was.
*****
Whatever it had been, from that point on the visit, on the surface at least, seemed to pass without further conflict.
The two men spent most of Sunday taking Gus about - to the CN Tower where he clung tightly to his father’s hand as they walked out onto the glass and looked down through it to the ground so far below (till he gained confidence at least, when he ran them ragged dodging in and out among all the other tourists); shopping to buy some clothes that Brian considered suitable for his son (rather than the shabby-not-so-chic ones Linds was apparently obsessed with); and then, taking advantage of the crisp sunshine, on a boat cruise round the Harbour that Gus had begged for, on the grounds that he wanted to go on a ship ‘like a pirate’, and that was the nearest that even his adoring father could get at such short notice.
Justin wasn’t sure what had been said between the two women, but they made no demur about letting Brian take his son for the day, which set him to wondering. Whatever the reason, it resulted in a day when he got to watch the man he loved interact with the beautiful boy who was so much like him. Justin had offered to amuse himself so that the two could be alone together, but Brian had given him a semi-horrified look, one which, Justin realized sadly, was not wholly assumed. Brian truly did doubt his ability to look after Gus successfully for even a few hours.
Once more, Justin felt the anger simmering, and once more he forced it down.
Instead, he happily joined his lover and then took care to stay as much as possible in the background while Brian renewed his acquaintance with his son.
Gus seemed to accept his presence without question, until towards the end of their day together. As they got off the boat Gus announced that he was thirsty. The two men also felt that a hot drink would not go amiss, so they found a small coffee shop and, while Brian kept Gus amused, Justin went to order two coffees and a cup of hot chocolate. He was on his way back to the table when he overheard Gus say to his father, “Is Justin your boyfriend, Daddy?”
Justin paused. He didn’t want to embarrass Brian, and … he had to admit … he was kind of curious about how Brian would answer.
Brian, however, looked up and saw him. He smiled into Justin’s eyes and then turned to his son. “Yes, Gus. I guess he is. Kind of. I mean …”
He looked up again at Justin and this time Justin saw the plea for help. He came and sat down. “Do you think I’d be a good boyfriend for your father Gus?” he asked.
Gus looked down at the table and bit the side of his thumb shyly (a gesture so like his father that Justin’s heart squeezed) and nodded, still not looking up from the table.
Then the little boy won Justin’s heart forever. He suddenly raised his eyes and stared earnestly for a long moment into Justin’s, obviously trying to look into the heart of this stranger who had suddenly appeared at his father’s side.
“Do you love him?” he asked seriously. “He should have a boyfriend who loves him lots and lots and lots. ‘Cos he’s all by himself now and I don’t want him to be lonely.”
Justin found it hard to see for a moment, but he nodded. “Yes, Gus, I do. I do love him. Lots and lots and lots.”
He didn’t dare look at Brian, but fortunately Gus defused the unexpected moment of emotion. “That’s good,” he said happily. “Did you ask for sprinkles on my hot choc’late?”
*****
If Brian was quiet while they sipped their drinks, Gus made up for it, chattering happily about all the things they’d seen that day, and asking when they would come to Toronto again. Brian did take the opportunity then to ask if Gus would like to come to Pittsburgh for a visit. The little boy’s delighted “Yes!” echoed all round the coffee shop and his glowing smile brightened the darkening afternoon.
All too soon it was time to take him back to his Mommies.
He cried a little when they left him, but the promise that he would be coming to Pittsburgh soon did much to ease his obvious grief at being parted once more from his father. He clung to Brian as they said goodbye, and shyly whispered in his ear, "I love you, Daddy."
Forcing his voice to work, Brian whispered back croakily, "I love you too, Sonny boy. Always have, always will."
Then somehow he stood and allowed the women to shoo his son up the stairs away from him. It was maybe only the thought of the visit to come that made that moment bearable. Brian left Toronto mentally clutching the handful of promises that Lindsay had scattered about confirming all the details of their Thanksgiving visit in the next couple of days.
Once they were in the hire car driving back to the airport, Justin wondered whether he should raise the subject of Gus’ question to him, and his response. But before he could work out what to say, Brian said abruptly, “I’m sorry Gus put you on the spot like that.”
Justin took a deep breath, and said quietly, “Don’t be. I’ve been kind of waiting for the right opportunity to say that to you, and just haven’t been able to find it.”
There was deep silence for a moment, then Brian mumbled, “Justin, I don’t … I’m not good at …”
Justin touched his thigh, and smiled at him. “Brian, you don’t have to do or say anything. I’m just relieved to have finally put it out there that that’s how I feel about you. It’s okay if … I mean, it still hasn’t been that long … and I know that you … maybe have some issues with all that stuff … especially those words. And that’s okay. Really. I just wanted you to know. And now you do.”
And to Brian’s inner astonishment, he realized that he did know. He knew that Justin loved him. He believed it.
He spent the rest of the trip home almost silent, lost in wonder at that certainty. And even more so at the fact that the knowledge didn’t make him want to leap out of the plane in panic. In fact, it felt good. It felt … he felt … Well, not ready to go off on a major sex, drugs and alcohol bender just to deal, anyway.
Justin might have been worried by his silence, except that something in Brian’s face, something perilously close to happiness, told him that this difficult man he’d fallen so hard for was okay with how things were between them. And if he had any doubts, the fact that somehow Brian managed to spend the entire trip with part of their bodies touching at virtually all times, sent its own message of reassurance.
*****
They spent the next couple of weeks preparing for Gus’ visit. Lindsay had emailed confirmationn that they would arrive on the Wednesday night and stay till Sunday, and had even agreed to let Gus spend at least one night with his father at the new house. A suite was booked for the women at the William Penn, including full use of the hotel’s spa and massage facilities. Cynthia chivvied various agencies until they found a woman they felt comfortable having around the house and who they were confident could fill the duties of a temporary Nanny for Gus. Arrangements were made for catering a full Thanksgiving dinner at the house, and invitations issued to Ted, Emmett, Cynthia and some of the women’s old friends.
Then there was the creation of Gus’ room - from the brightly colored mural Justin painted on one wall, showing Gus, Brian, and even, high in the rigging, a tiny Justin, as pirates on a full-sailed pirate ship, to the “sea chest” bed that Brian had specially made, the fabric of its cozily quilted doona covered with “pieces of eight”.
Plans were also made for Gus’ entertainment while he was staying with them, including the purchase of a whole host of dvd’s that Justin guessed Brian had never expected to house on his shelves. But other things were selected as well - card games like Snap and Old Maid and Happy Families and simple board games like Snakes and Ladders, as well as crayons and pencils and paints and paper - both white for his art work and colored to cut and paste and create other wonders. Playdough figured in the mix, as did a huge bucket of Leggo - suitably sized for his age and dexterity level.
Finally, even Brian felt that everything was ready.
He spent the Tuesday night trying to pretend that he wasn’t as excited as Hell that his son would be arriving the next day. And the whole day Wednesday in a fever of anticipation.
Which of course all got blown to shit when, just as he was leaving for the airport to pick them up, the text message arrived up to say that they wouldn’t be coming.
Just that. No other message. No explanation. Just those few words to break his heart and turn all their joyous preparation to a total waste of time. Worse all the things they had bought and made, the home they had created for his son, became an infuriating reminder that he should never expect anything from anyone, that he didn’t ever deserve to have people follow through for him. That he deserved nothing except to be treated like the total piece of shit everyone was obviously right to believe him to be.
He canceled all plans and disappeared for two nights.
By the time he emerged, hung over, exhausted, totally wiped out and even more desperately depressed from his pain management binge all signs of Gus’ planned visit had vanished. All of the toys, the dvds, every single piece of evidence that they had ever planned to have Gus stay had been stashed away in Gus’ room and the door to that was tightly shut.
The room they had planned for the Nanny to use had been stripped, the bedding stored away. The extra chairs they had arranged for the Thanksgiving dinner had disappeared, and all the decorations had gone.
There was nothing to remind him, no visual sign at all to stir up again that crushing disappointment.
But despite that, just entering the house, Brian felt as if he were coming apart. And to make it worse, his behavior over the last couple of days must surely have pissed Justin off to the point where he’d be lucky if the blond ever got over it, ever forgave him for it.
Wearily, he made his way through the house. Needing a shower, but not ready to face the loneliness of the bedroom, he used one of the guest bathrooms, and then, towel wrapped round his waist, went back to the kitchen to see if a cup of coffee might provide enough inspiration to work out what he could possibly say to Justin.
On the counter was a large note. Very large. Written on a page that had obviously been torn from a sketch pad. For a few moments, Brian was too afraid even to look at it. He was tempted just to crumple it and throw it in the trash. But his longing to have some contact with his lover, even if it was just an angry ‘Dear Brian’ letter made him read it.
“Brian - I thought you might need some space, so I’m working from the apartment for a few days. When you’re ready for company, just call me. In the meantime, I’ve left some food in the fridge and there’s plenty of guava juice. And a new bottle of Beam in the cabinet. If I don’t hear from you by Monday, I’ll call you all day at work till you speak to me.
“What I told Gus still goes, you twat. Just don’t keep running away from that.
“Love - J”
on to Always Have, Always Will Part Two
When I first posted "Never Have, Never Will" there were a few people who kindly said they'd like a sequel. Well, it's a case of 'be careful what you ask for' because here it is. I'd hoped to get it finished this weekend, but that's back when I thought it was going to be around five pages. It's three times that now, so I'm going to post it in two parts. I hope to get the second one up in the next few days - by the weekend at the latest.
This was originally intended to be a Christmas fic. And might still turn out to be somewhere towards the end. But it's kinda low on the warm and fuzzies. I don't think I realised till I started writing it just how angry I was, and still am, with Lindsay and Melanie. In a way this has been cathartic, but if you're an L&M fan, don't bother. In some ways, this one makes my anti-Mikey stance look as if I actually kinda like him. Seriously. I've come to the conclusion that I truly despise those women.
As usual, all fics are definitely adults only, so by clicking on the links below you are signifying that you are over the age of majority in the country in which you live and legally old enough to view work intended only for adults.
BTW, if you haven't read NHNW, this won't make any sense at all really. So it's here if you want to catch up with that first:
Justin!Rage stories index
Anyway, here is the new one. It starts maybe a week or so after NHNW ended.
Always Have, Always Will: Part One
Toronto in the Fall was beautiful. It was cold, but so far there had been very little snow and the sun shone brightly in a clear blue sky, while the air had that unmistakably icy nip of oncoming winter. It was November - about two weeks before Thanksgiving. American Thanksgiving, Justin reminded himself. In Canada, Thanksgiving took place earlier.
They’d come to Toronto to visit Brian’s son. As they drove to the suburban address, Brian tried clumsily, with a sort of ugly self deprecation that Justin hated, to warn him in some way about what their welcome was likely to be. But nothing could have prepared Justin for the attitude of the two women who were the mothers of Brian’s son.
He found the venomous hostility that the dark haired woman who was Gus’ second mother made no attempt to hide or disguise shocking enough. This was the woman to whom Brian had signed over his parental rights; the one who, as far as Justin could see, owed Brian an enormous debt of gratitude for that alone. Not to mention for his ongoing financial support - money that he didn’t even insist was ear-marked solely for Gus, but allowed them to spend as they liked.
Yet from the moment Melanie opened the door she attacked Brian in various ways, some open, some more covert. Vicious little comments about his lifestyle were mixed with smug reminders about her status as Gus’ parent - and Brian’s lack thereof. She even spitefully asked how Debbie, was going; knowing that the woman still insisted on blaming Brian for Michael’s death, knowing what an open wound that was for Brian.
Even more despicably, as far as Justin was concerned, she kept pointing out to Justin all of Brian’s flaws - as she saw them. Especially those relating to his “unreliability” and his promiscuity, which for some reason that escaped Justin she seemed to think were linked. And she did it under the guise of “friendly” teasing. It was horrible.
Justin, who had won the story of how and why he’d had signed over his parental rights to Mel from a drunken Brian two days before they’d left for Toronto, debated whether to openly challenge her by asking in what way a person who was open about his sexual adventures was less reliable than a liar and a cheat who’d fucked around behind her post-natal partner’s back. But he decided to bide his time.
This wasn’t about him, or even Brian, it was about the beautiful boy who, on their arrival, had stood shyly at the top of the front steps as they’d come through the gate, and then had suddenly thrown himself into his father’s arms, wrapping his own arms round Brian’s neck and saying over and over in a choking voice, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.”
Justin would never forget the look on his lover’s face as he held his son for the first time in months, or the desperate longing in the boys’ voice. For Gus’ sake, and for Brian’s, Justin resolved to keep his temper. Sometime in the future, if these two women kept this up, the right moment would come.
Because it wasn’t just Melanie who triggered Justin’s anger. At least with Mel, the hostility was open and directed towards Brian, of whom she was clearly envious - for a number of reasons, some of which Justin even found at least vaguely understandable.
Her partner’s hostility was expressed far more subtly and was targeted, not at Brian directly, but at him. Or at least his relationship with Brian.
Over and over as the difficult day went on, Lindsay would smile at Justin and, gushing a little over his talent (Brian had apparently sent her some photos of his work), would tell him how he must travel, he must see Italy and Greece and visit London and Paris. She emphasized his youth, and how much he had ahead of him. She took every opportunity to stress the contrasts between him and Brian, making it sound as if Brian were closer to fifty than to thirty.
Justin had to fight not to let his anger erupt disastrously. This fucking bitch was deliberately pushing all Brian’s buttons, playing on all his feelings of worthlessness, his fears of ageing and deep-seated fears of abandonment, doing her best to drive a wedge between him and Justin, to keep him alone, just so she could feed her own sicko little fantasies. And all the time she was hundreds of miles away playing happy families with a harpy who made no secret of her loathing for Brian, with Brian’s son and on Brian’s money.
Justin sat and seethed in silence, fighting his own demon of anger.
Then, over dinner, with Gus tucked safely into bed, Lindsay made a supposedly throw away comment about what an unlikely couple they seemed. Justin, a long way from stupid, knew that part of the reason for the comment was that she expected that just mentioning the word ‘couple’ would send Brian into a spasm of denial. For some reason that was the last straw for Justin. At that point that his good intentions went momentarily out the window.
Smiling at her brightly, he said, “Oh, I don’t know. We’re both men; we’re hot and smart. We both like cock. We both want as much as we can get. And we both enjoy each other’s. Seems to me we’re a perfect match.”
Without warning he launched into an off key rendition of the cheesy theme music, then in a dramatic TV announcer voice said: “What question would you like to ask Number One, Brian?”
In a gruff imitation of Brian, he ‘responded’: “Let’s cut to the chase. Number One, how would you describe your cock sucking technique?”
In a caricature of his own voice, he said brightly, “I suck like a Hoover, Brian and I love it.”
Back to Brian’s voice: “I’ll take Number One - right now.”
The announcer’s voice again: “And there you have it - another Perfect Match!”
Brian gave a quiet chuckle at this performance. Melanie’s vinegar look of disapproval indicated that perhaps she’d come to the conclusion that Justin was a better match for Brian Kinney than she’d realized, and that it did him no credit. Lindsay, however, pursed her lips prissily.
“I think you’ll find there’s a little more to any relationship than sex, Justin.”
He felt Brian tense next to him at the tone in her voice and immediately modified the response trembling on his lips. He forced a shrug. “Sure. But good sex surely doesn’t hurt.”
He broke off, considering, and gave a laugh. “Well, actually, sometimes when it’s really hot it does. But that’s part of it.”
He touched Brian’s leg and smiled at him. Brian met his eyes, and after a moment returned his smile. Justin felt something in him ache, actually ache, at the tentativeness in Brian’s eyes. He forced down his anger and smiled at Brian once more, his own face softening as he met those amazing hazel eyes that had from the beginning, intrigued and charmed him. How anyone could look into those eyes and claim that Brian was an unrepentant asshole was beyond him.
He turned his attention back to his opponent and, keeping his voice calm and even, said, “But you and Mel must know that. I mean, you’ve been together a long while, haven’t you? You must still enjoy each other - or what’s the point?”
Something passed between the women then - not so much a look as a moment of mutual frozen stillness, and Justin knew then with absolute certainty that there was something very wrong here. He guessed they were once more having problems. Having heard the history of their on-again, off-again relationship from Emmett, that didn’t surprise him. Issues that had been serious enough to drive both of them to the infidelity they professed to despise and to twice spend months apart, were not going to be resolved just because a bomb blast had momentarily driven them back together in panic.
But he kept his mouth shut on his suspicions, not wanting to create any waves that might swamp Brian’s attempt to get these women to allow him to spend more time with his son.
Instead he changed the subject, asking about one of the prints on the wall - a Matisse he hadn’t seen before. Lindsay was happy to show off her knowledge, and the moment passed.
Brian sent a silent thank you to his … whatever Justin was, and decided that now was as good a time as any to start the ball rolling with his campaign to see more of Gus.
“It’s Thanksgiving soon,” he said.
“Not up here, it’s not,” snapped Mel.
Brian didn’t bite, he simply went on. “I thought maybe you’d like to come down to Pittsburgh for the weekend - longer if you want. You could stay at a hotel, and maybe … I thought Gus could stay with me. For a day or so, anyway. I mean … I’d pay. Hotel, air fare … whatever you need.”
Both women looked startled.
“Well, Brian, I don’t know. I mean, the loft’s not really suitable …”
Justin wanted to slap Lindsay for the self-righteous prudishness of her tone alone.
“I’m not at the loft any more.”
Lindsay stared at him.
“I’ve … I’ve bought another place. A house,” he confessed softly.
Lindsay turned her eyes to Justin. Then back to Brian. Justin strongly had the feeling that rather than bolster Brian’s chances, the fact that he’d sold the loft, that he was moving on from the ‘bad boy’ image she clearly clung to, was just about the worse thing he could have said. Short of announcing that they’d moved in together anyway. Which they hadn’t quite. Yet. Technically Justin still had his apartment, but he was using it more and more as just a work space, spending nearly every night at Brian’s new place, and having considerable input into the choice of both location and décor.
“But the loft … I mean …”
Brian shrugged irritably. “You’ve all spent years telling me I should sell the place, let go of the past. Well, I finally decided to do it. What’s the big deal?”
Lindsay couldn’t stop staring at him. Clearly she was more than shocked by this evidence of Brian’s changes, she was appalled.
Melanie however took up the argument. “I don’t give a fuck if you’ve moved into a palace, there is no way I’d trust my son to you for even an hour, let alone overnight.”
Justin bit his tongue till he was surprised he couldn’t taste blood.
“It won’t be just me,” Brian argued. “Justin will be there as well.”
‘Uh-oh,’ Justin thought. ‘Bad move, Brian.’
Lindsay’s smile was so fake, Justin was surprised her face didn’t crack. It was an image that would stay with him, and some time in the future he would paint a woman with her face cracking apart and a cascade of repulsive worms and insects spilling out of it. The critics would rave, and he would sell it for a great deal of money. In that sense, perhaps, he should have felt some gratitude to Lindsay for the inspiration. But all he felt at the moment was the anger he had to fight so desperately to bank down. He couldn’t let it erupt here. This was too important to Brian.
“Brian … Justin seems very sweet. But we don’t really know him, and he’s so young.” She leaned forward, fake sincerity oozing from her pores. “It would be a mistake to let Gus get too attached to someone who … well, I mean … Justin isn’t in a position to make any sort of long term commitment at the moment, he’s far too young and who knows where life will take him once he’s finished school.”
“And we all know that you’re not going to stop fucking around, so you’re not exactly a great prize, are you, Kinney?”
Lindsay bit her lip, and gave Melanie a look that clearly said, ‘let me handle this’.
“Brian,” she went on, “It’s not as if you really want that sort of relationship. You never have. You enjoy your freedom. And I’m sure Justin does too. He doesn’t want to be tied down. So it’s just not fair to Gus to …”
Justin could feel the pain coursing through the man beside him and he’d had enough. He didn’t have to shed blood, but on the other hand he didn’t have to sit here passively and let this pair of bitches attack his … his partner, he decided. No matter what these vicious cows thought, and even if Brian wasn’t yet ready to vocalize it, they were partners.
He gave a little smile at both women and said casually, “I’ve always thought it strange when people who are in happy, committed relationships spend so much time talking their single friends out of them. When I’m feeling cynical, I think it’s because no matter what they say, they’re not really all that happy.”
He blinked at his opponents in an innocence as fake as Lindsay’s sincerity and went on, “But when I’m feeling really cynical, I think that they’re just entirely selfish and trying to hold onto something good all for themselves.”
Melanie looked at once startled and a little puzzled, as if she wasn’t quite sure how to react. Lindsay however heard exactly what he was saying and glared at him with pure malevolence.
Justin tilted his chin up and said firmly, “Brian and I are doing just fine. We haven’t known each other all that long, and we’re taking things slowly, but I plan on being around for a long time. Even if we stop fucking, I think we’ll always be friends.” He smiled at Brian. “Mind you, I can’t imagine ever not wanting to fuck him. But I really, really can’t imagine not having him in my life, one way or another, either. So why don’t you leave us to worry about where our relationship is going and stop talking such a load of crap.”
As Mel opened her mouth to argue, Justin drilled her with a very straight look. “Don’t talk bullshit about not wanting to have Gus upset because of any attachment he might form to me. You didn’t hesitate in taking him away from everyone and everything he’d ever known and dragging him up here. You didn’t give a fuck about his feelings then, and you don’t now. You just want to jerk Brian’s chain.”
“Brian!” Lindsay spluttered. “Are you going to let him …?”
“Brian doesn’t ‘let me’ do anything, Lindsay,” Justin said calmly. “And the last thing that I want to do is to cause him problems with you two. But you have to know that you can’t pull the crap on me that you pull on him. It just won’t work. So let’s talk turkey. What will it take to get you to agree to this Thanksgiving visit? Should we hire a full time Nanny to look after Gus while he’s with us? What do you want?”
Lindsay actually dropped silent.
Melanie didn’t.
“You think I’d fucking sell my son?”
Justin smiled. “Not at all. I think that you have been offered a nice all expenses paid holiday weekend down in Pittsburgh which will give you a chance to catch up with your friends there. It will also give Gus the chance to spend some time with his father. If it makes you feel more confident that Gus will be properly cared for Brian will hire a Nanny to make absolutely sure that Gus is safe and well looked after at all times. What I want to know is what you’re afraid of?”
Again there was that strange moment of absolute stillness from the two women. Then Lindsay recovered her voice.
“Brian, this isn’t really a subject that …” There was a momentary pause before she said maliciously, “that strangers should be involved in. Perhaps we can talk about it later.”
Justin found himself holding his breath waiting for Brian’s response. He realized that he was scared, terrified almost. He’d gone too far. He had no right to interfere in this way, especially not about Gus. But he hadn’t been able to just sit there and let Brian take all the shit that these women threw at him. As if Brian believed he deserved it all. Fuck!
For a long moment Brian was silent, torn between anger and fear. Anger at all of them, including Justin. Fear that he could lose everything here - including Justin. He just wanted to get up and walk out. Fuck them all!
But at the same time, in direction contradiction to those fears, he felt once more the new sense of support, of comfort and solace that Justin had brought into his life. For so many years, each hurt, each insult, each spiteful comment - from his family, his friends, the world in general - had had to be buried. They couldn’t be shrugged off, because it had been drummed into him when he had no resources to defend himself that he deserved them all. So they had been buried deep in his heart, his soul, along with the ghost of the hurt and damaged child he’d once been, because there was no one to whom he could ever have turned for comfort. Not even Mikey. Especially not Mikey who had been so needy on his own account; Mikey for whom he’d always had to be the strong one.
Except now, now there there was someone who …
Brian clamped down on those emotions. He wasn’t some fucking fragile little flower. He didn’t need any fucking protector. But at the same time, no matter how much he might deny needing or evening wanting a defender, his heart was in some way warmed by the fact that apparently he had one. Instinctively, he reached out to the source of those feelings and gripped Justin’s hand hard. Strong fingers twined with his, and held secure in that clasp he raised his eyes a little and looked up at Lindsay from under a frowning brow.
“I’d actually like to hear the answer to Justin’s question, Linds,” he said. “What the fuck are you so afraid of?”
“Brian, we’ve just got Gus settled up here,” she started.
“You said he’d settled in fine months ago,” he reminded.
“Look, asshole, he’s our son and we don’t need to explain ourselves to you.”
Justin bit his lip, forcing himself to keep silent.
Brian nodded. “Fair enough”, he said.
Then abruptly he stood. “I guess there’s nothing more to be said then.”
Lindsay got up quickly. “Brian, don’t be like this. It’s just … you sprang this on us. We need time to …”
He shook his head. “I sent an email weeks ago saying I’d like you to come down for Thanksgiving. That I wanted to spend some time with Gus.”
He gave a long level look at her and then a sneer in Melanie’s direction.
“You don’t want me to. Fine. That’s …” Another glare at Melanie. “That’s your prerogative. You are his parents.”
Justin had also risen and now stepped close to his side.
“But …” Brian took a deep breath, and with a sudden courage that he knew he was drawing from the young man beside him, went on, “the gravy train stops here.”
Both women stared at him: Lindsay appalled, Melanie speechless with anger.
“I’ll talk to my solicitor when I get back to Pittsburgh. From now on there’ll be no more cash on demand. No more money just to throw away on anything you feel like. From now on, it all goes on Gus, on what he needs - clothing, school, anything - he’ll have everything he needs. But you won’t touch a cent, and none of it will go on anything but his personal needs. And I’ll have it set in concrete to make sure that happens.”
“How the fuck do you think we’re going to manage, asshole?” Melanie snapped. “How do you think we’re going to keep a roof over his head?”
He stared at her for a moment, and then turned to Lindsay. “You’ve both got jobs,” he said slowly. Then he said more sharply, “Haven’t you?”
Once more, through that strange frozen stillness, Justin could feel the ugliness in the air. This was spiraling out of control and he was suddenly afraid. They would be on a plane back to Pittsburgh tomorrow night, leaving Gus with these two women. If they were desperate, they might do anything.
“Brian, sit down,” he said softly. “Let’s all sit down and work out what we really need to do here.”
“I don’t fucking appreciate being threatened,” Melanie seethed.
Justin nodded, forcing calmness on the situation, drawing on all his resources. “I don’t think Brian … or I … meant it as a threat, Mel. We’re sorry if it came across that way. Brian just wants to spend Thanksgiving with Gus. Let’s start with that and see if we can work something out. Lindsay?”
To his great relief, Brian lost some of the tense anger and looked at Lindsay sadly, “Linds, please.”
She took a deep breath, and sat with assumed dignity. “Justin’s right. We shouldn’t let things get so out of control. Brian … if you really want us to come down at Thanksgiving, I’m sure something could be arranged. And maybe Gus could spend the days with you but come to us at the hotel at night.”
Brian nodded, relieved. “Okay. That could work.”
Justin felt his anger rising again. But this wasn’t the time. And there would be other visits. They’d fight one battle at a time.
Melanie was glaring at all three of them. “I can’t just fucking take time off whenever I feel like it, you know.”
Lindsay said sweetly, but with a strange urgency in her voice, “I’m sure you could manage a couple of days. Or else Gus and I could go down on Wednesday night and you could come down as soon as you can get away.”
Melanie glared at her. “You’re not taking him without me.”
“Then come with us,” Lindsay said reasonably. But her eyes moved quickly towards Justin and then Brian before coming back to her partner’s in what was unmistakably some sort of message.
Justin was left wondering exactly what that message was.
*****
Whatever it had been, from that point on the visit, on the surface at least, seemed to pass without further conflict.
The two men spent most of Sunday taking Gus about - to the CN Tower where he clung tightly to his father’s hand as they walked out onto the glass and looked down through it to the ground so far below (till he gained confidence at least, when he ran them ragged dodging in and out among all the other tourists); shopping to buy some clothes that Brian considered suitable for his son (rather than the shabby-not-so-chic ones Linds was apparently obsessed with); and then, taking advantage of the crisp sunshine, on a boat cruise round the Harbour that Gus had begged for, on the grounds that he wanted to go on a ship ‘like a pirate’, and that was the nearest that even his adoring father could get at such short notice.
Justin wasn’t sure what had been said between the two women, but they made no demur about letting Brian take his son for the day, which set him to wondering. Whatever the reason, it resulted in a day when he got to watch the man he loved interact with the beautiful boy who was so much like him. Justin had offered to amuse himself so that the two could be alone together, but Brian had given him a semi-horrified look, one which, Justin realized sadly, was not wholly assumed. Brian truly did doubt his ability to look after Gus successfully for even a few hours.
Once more, Justin felt the anger simmering, and once more he forced it down.
Instead, he happily joined his lover and then took care to stay as much as possible in the background while Brian renewed his acquaintance with his son.
Gus seemed to accept his presence without question, until towards the end of their day together. As they got off the boat Gus announced that he was thirsty. The two men also felt that a hot drink would not go amiss, so they found a small coffee shop and, while Brian kept Gus amused, Justin went to order two coffees and a cup of hot chocolate. He was on his way back to the table when he overheard Gus say to his father, “Is Justin your boyfriend, Daddy?”
Justin paused. He didn’t want to embarrass Brian, and … he had to admit … he was kind of curious about how Brian would answer.
Brian, however, looked up and saw him. He smiled into Justin’s eyes and then turned to his son. “Yes, Gus. I guess he is. Kind of. I mean …”
He looked up again at Justin and this time Justin saw the plea for help. He came and sat down. “Do you think I’d be a good boyfriend for your father Gus?” he asked.
Gus looked down at the table and bit the side of his thumb shyly (a gesture so like his father that Justin’s heart squeezed) and nodded, still not looking up from the table.
Then the little boy won Justin’s heart forever. He suddenly raised his eyes and stared earnestly for a long moment into Justin’s, obviously trying to look into the heart of this stranger who had suddenly appeared at his father’s side.
“Do you love him?” he asked seriously. “He should have a boyfriend who loves him lots and lots and lots. ‘Cos he’s all by himself now and I don’t want him to be lonely.”
Justin found it hard to see for a moment, but he nodded. “Yes, Gus, I do. I do love him. Lots and lots and lots.”
He didn’t dare look at Brian, but fortunately Gus defused the unexpected moment of emotion. “That’s good,” he said happily. “Did you ask for sprinkles on my hot choc’late?”
*****
If Brian was quiet while they sipped their drinks, Gus made up for it, chattering happily about all the things they’d seen that day, and asking when they would come to Toronto again. Brian did take the opportunity then to ask if Gus would like to come to Pittsburgh for a visit. The little boy’s delighted “Yes!” echoed all round the coffee shop and his glowing smile brightened the darkening afternoon.
All too soon it was time to take him back to his Mommies.
He cried a little when they left him, but the promise that he would be coming to Pittsburgh soon did much to ease his obvious grief at being parted once more from his father. He clung to Brian as they said goodbye, and shyly whispered in his ear, "I love you, Daddy."
Forcing his voice to work, Brian whispered back croakily, "I love you too, Sonny boy. Always have, always will."
Then somehow he stood and allowed the women to shoo his son up the stairs away from him. It was maybe only the thought of the visit to come that made that moment bearable. Brian left Toronto mentally clutching the handful of promises that Lindsay had scattered about confirming all the details of their Thanksgiving visit in the next couple of days.
Once they were in the hire car driving back to the airport, Justin wondered whether he should raise the subject of Gus’ question to him, and his response. But before he could work out what to say, Brian said abruptly, “I’m sorry Gus put you on the spot like that.”
Justin took a deep breath, and said quietly, “Don’t be. I’ve been kind of waiting for the right opportunity to say that to you, and just haven’t been able to find it.”
There was deep silence for a moment, then Brian mumbled, “Justin, I don’t … I’m not good at …”
Justin touched his thigh, and smiled at him. “Brian, you don’t have to do or say anything. I’m just relieved to have finally put it out there that that’s how I feel about you. It’s okay if … I mean, it still hasn’t been that long … and I know that you … maybe have some issues with all that stuff … especially those words. And that’s okay. Really. I just wanted you to know. And now you do.”
And to Brian’s inner astonishment, he realized that he did know. He knew that Justin loved him. He believed it.
He spent the rest of the trip home almost silent, lost in wonder at that certainty. And even more so at the fact that the knowledge didn’t make him want to leap out of the plane in panic. In fact, it felt good. It felt … he felt … Well, not ready to go off on a major sex, drugs and alcohol bender just to deal, anyway.
Justin might have been worried by his silence, except that something in Brian’s face, something perilously close to happiness, told him that this difficult man he’d fallen so hard for was okay with how things were between them. And if he had any doubts, the fact that somehow Brian managed to spend the entire trip with part of their bodies touching at virtually all times, sent its own message of reassurance.
*****
They spent the next couple of weeks preparing for Gus’ visit. Lindsay had emailed confirmationn that they would arrive on the Wednesday night and stay till Sunday, and had even agreed to let Gus spend at least one night with his father at the new house. A suite was booked for the women at the William Penn, including full use of the hotel’s spa and massage facilities. Cynthia chivvied various agencies until they found a woman they felt comfortable having around the house and who they were confident could fill the duties of a temporary Nanny for Gus. Arrangements were made for catering a full Thanksgiving dinner at the house, and invitations issued to Ted, Emmett, Cynthia and some of the women’s old friends.
Then there was the creation of Gus’ room - from the brightly colored mural Justin painted on one wall, showing Gus, Brian, and even, high in the rigging, a tiny Justin, as pirates on a full-sailed pirate ship, to the “sea chest” bed that Brian had specially made, the fabric of its cozily quilted doona covered with “pieces of eight”.
Plans were also made for Gus’ entertainment while he was staying with them, including the purchase of a whole host of dvd’s that Justin guessed Brian had never expected to house on his shelves. But other things were selected as well - card games like Snap and Old Maid and Happy Families and simple board games like Snakes and Ladders, as well as crayons and pencils and paints and paper - both white for his art work and colored to cut and paste and create other wonders. Playdough figured in the mix, as did a huge bucket of Leggo - suitably sized for his age and dexterity level.
Finally, even Brian felt that everything was ready.
He spent the Tuesday night trying to pretend that he wasn’t as excited as Hell that his son would be arriving the next day. And the whole day Wednesday in a fever of anticipation.
Which of course all got blown to shit when, just as he was leaving for the airport to pick them up, the text message arrived up to say that they wouldn’t be coming.
Just that. No other message. No explanation. Just those few words to break his heart and turn all their joyous preparation to a total waste of time. Worse all the things they had bought and made, the home they had created for his son, became an infuriating reminder that he should never expect anything from anyone, that he didn’t ever deserve to have people follow through for him. That he deserved nothing except to be treated like the total piece of shit everyone was obviously right to believe him to be.
He canceled all plans and disappeared for two nights.
By the time he emerged, hung over, exhausted, totally wiped out and even more desperately depressed from his pain management binge all signs of Gus’ planned visit had vanished. All of the toys, the dvds, every single piece of evidence that they had ever planned to have Gus stay had been stashed away in Gus’ room and the door to that was tightly shut.
The room they had planned for the Nanny to use had been stripped, the bedding stored away. The extra chairs they had arranged for the Thanksgiving dinner had disappeared, and all the decorations had gone.
There was nothing to remind him, no visual sign at all to stir up again that crushing disappointment.
But despite that, just entering the house, Brian felt as if he were coming apart. And to make it worse, his behavior over the last couple of days must surely have pissed Justin off to the point where he’d be lucky if the blond ever got over it, ever forgave him for it.
Wearily, he made his way through the house. Needing a shower, but not ready to face the loneliness of the bedroom, he used one of the guest bathrooms, and then, towel wrapped round his waist, went back to the kitchen to see if a cup of coffee might provide enough inspiration to work out what he could possibly say to Justin.
On the counter was a large note. Very large. Written on a page that had obviously been torn from a sketch pad. For a few moments, Brian was too afraid even to look at it. He was tempted just to crumple it and throw it in the trash. But his longing to have some contact with his lover, even if it was just an angry ‘Dear Brian’ letter made him read it.
“Brian - I thought you might need some space, so I’m working from the apartment for a few days. When you’re ready for company, just call me. In the meantime, I’ve left some food in the fridge and there’s plenty of guava juice. And a new bottle of Beam in the cabinet. If I don’t hear from you by Monday, I’ll call you all day at work till you speak to me.
“What I told Gus still goes, you twat. Just don’t keep running away from that.
“Love - J”
on to Always Have, Always Will Part Two