Hiatus - Day 14 - and the Last
Today there was painting. The colours went squish and lo, they sort of worked. This made me happy.
I finished my mood theme complete with one which says 'BUY CIGARETTES' in bullet pock marks on a parlor wall. I like the idea of Holmes shooting shopping lists into the plaster. But then of course anything that has style and eccentricity and is out of time and out of joint is a good thing.
I washed clothes as well as the blanket and the cushion the cats had pee'd on. I swept and tidied and made sure there wasn't vodka bottle tops or blood anywhere... I'm joking. Sort of.
Jez, Sally and Ginnie returned before six - just as well I'd tidied and sorted earlier. The cats mostly ignored them, as children of Bast are wont to do. The Denizens of Goblin Town seem tired and happy-if-terse which I guess is how most people are at the end of their holidays.
I should leave and go somewhere - anywhere - but there's nowhere I want to go. I feel very extraneous.
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Matt is either out galavanting today and leaving for Wales tomorrow or has left this eve. Either way I will not see him again. How is it possible to feel bitter, lonely and regretful all at once? Fie upon it.
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Edit:
I was going to say that it was quite nice to hug Jez when he returned, but I think I'd expected to Want him as well - and I didn't. Which was both a relief and a disappointment. I think from absence my neurons had shifted back to 'this is Jez our friend' instead of 'this is Jez our friend who we'd like to kiss'.
Later when I hugged him and felt his breath on my neck and the press of our hips as we stood together, I realised I was still perfectly capable of wanting him and was two seconds away from saying 'fekkit' and obliterating all my carefully placed (mildly stretched) rules.
This is worrying, and will no doubt in time cause its own angst, but it was still nice to feel - to Want. It would be really lovely if I Wanted someone for as long as they Wanted me this time instead of the more usual season or two. Stupid sex drive.
I finished my mood theme complete with one which says 'BUY CIGARETTES' in bullet pock marks on a parlor wall. I like the idea of Holmes shooting shopping lists into the plaster. But then of course anything that has style and eccentricity and is out of time and out of joint is a good thing.
I washed clothes as well as the blanket and the cushion the cats had pee'd on. I swept and tidied and made sure there wasn't vodka bottle tops or blood anywhere... I'm joking. Sort of.
Jez, Sally and Ginnie returned before six - just as well I'd tidied and sorted earlier. The cats mostly ignored them, as children of Bast are wont to do. The Denizens of Goblin Town seem tired and happy-if-terse which I guess is how most people are at the end of their holidays.
I should leave and go somewhere - anywhere - but there's nowhere I want to go. I feel very extraneous.
===
Matt is either out galavanting today and leaving for Wales tomorrow or has left this eve. Either way I will not see him again. How is it possible to feel bitter, lonely and regretful all at once? Fie upon it.
===
Edit:
I was going to say that it was quite nice to hug Jez when he returned, but I think I'd expected to Want him as well - and I didn't. Which was both a relief and a disappointment. I think from absence my neurons had shifted back to 'this is Jez our friend' instead of 'this is Jez our friend who we'd like to kiss'.
Later when I hugged him and felt his breath on my neck and the press of our hips as we stood together, I realised I was still perfectly capable of wanting him and was two seconds away from saying 'fekkit' and obliterating all my carefully placed (mildly stretched) rules.
This is worrying, and will no doubt in time cause its own angst, but it was still nice to feel - to Want. It would be really lovely if I Wanted someone for as long as they Wanted me this time instead of the more usual season or two. Stupid sex drive.