Hiatus - Day 12-13
Yesterday I did some painting. I started my SH mood theme. I wrote the beginnings of a SH story just to see if I could get the narration right. Also since I'd had my bad night previously and had cuts on my breastbone I felt someone should have a chest wound.
I met Rain for supper and she gave me little Russian gifts and was generally lovely. I helped her with some crazy man's script.
On the way home I saw HM. There was a great feeling of unreality and dream logic, as there usually is in these situations. One of these days I'll have the balls to actually say 'Hayes?' and see what happens - even if it is only 'Oh. I'm sorry - I thought you were someone else.'
I stayed up late doing more mood theme and woke late as a result.
Today I have painted.
I feel fat and lonely and ignored by the world (or should that be Matt?) Yeah, probably. I guess neurons are sore that he's going - really going - on friday and it's thursday and I said a terse and disappointed goodbye on monday and there has been no word since.
Why should there be any word? No reason, except I was an explanation, a reassurance, a validation a something to boost my fucked and moldering self esteem and tell me that this wasn't my fault and he isn't a bastard and I am actually important (even a little) to him. None of which I'm likely to get in this lifetime because he cares for himself and others and is done caring for me. Which makes me want to cry, even though I know I couldn't ever be with him again. It's all so miserable and fucking pointless.
Jez, Sally and Ginnie return tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should be here or not. Probably not. I'm pathetically desperate to see Jez again just to get a hug, despite the fact I'm panicked by the idea of a shag and wonder if perhaps Ginnie doesn't have it right after all. I also hate that any one person can make me feel so chronically, terminally shitty and that I care enough to allow it.
I met Rain for supper and she gave me little Russian gifts and was generally lovely. I helped her with some crazy man's script.
On the way home I saw HM. There was a great feeling of unreality and dream logic, as there usually is in these situations. One of these days I'll have the balls to actually say 'Hayes?' and see what happens - even if it is only 'Oh. I'm sorry - I thought you were someone else.'
I stayed up late doing more mood theme and woke late as a result.
Today I have painted.
I feel fat and lonely and ignored by the world (or should that be Matt?) Yeah, probably. I guess neurons are sore that he's going - really going - on friday and it's thursday and I said a terse and disappointed goodbye on monday and there has been no word since.
Why should there be any word? No reason, except I was an explanation, a reassurance, a validation a something to boost my fucked and moldering self esteem and tell me that this wasn't my fault and he isn't a bastard and I am actually important (even a little) to him. None of which I'm likely to get in this lifetime because he cares for himself and others and is done caring for me. Which makes me want to cry, even though I know I couldn't ever be with him again. It's all so miserable and fucking pointless.
Jez, Sally and Ginnie return tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should be here or not. Probably not. I'm pathetically desperate to see Jez again just to get a hug, despite the fact I'm panicked by the idea of a shag and wonder if perhaps Ginnie doesn't have it right after all. I also hate that any one person can make me feel so chronically, terminally shitty and that I care enough to allow it.