Wednesday.
On monday Matt said we should no longer be together.
On monday afternoon with impeccable timing I was invited to Goblin Town.
On monday eve Rain kindly appeared with cake and whisky and a small picnic and offers of violence.
On monday night there was sitting by the Thames until 4am while Jez kept an eye on me.
On tuesday there was feeling ill and pathetic and miserable and being sat on a lot by cats.
On tuesday eve there was being violently miserable and being very confused that now we'd broken up Matt decided to hug me when I haven't been allowed to touch him all month.
Finally neurons had a thought. It went like this: 'Are you saying we can't be together because I make you miserable? Or are you saying we can't be together because you think your presence in my life is stopping me being who you think I should be?'
It occurred that the latter was something Matt might think and, being depressed enough, act upon. And that would be fucking stupid since it wouldn't make me happy and it wouldn't make him happy either. For the love of all the gods, if things are going to end at least one of us should want it to, otherwise wtf?
So I asked. Matt said I didn't make him miserable. So I asked was everything perhaps unfixable? He said he didn't know. I asked if leaving was something he truly saw as the answer or if he just couldn't think of a better solution? He looked somewhat lost and said he didn't know.
I could be entirely wrong, but it would seem to me the situation is that we have broken up unless I can argue otherwise. Which is weird. I am now optimistic and pessimistic in equal measure and utterly confused.
I am off to Sussex and the Oast today. I return somewhen later. I don't know if this is a good thing or not, given the timing and current circumstance.
On monday afternoon with impeccable timing I was invited to Goblin Town.
On monday eve Rain kindly appeared with cake and whisky and a small picnic and offers of violence.
On monday night there was sitting by the Thames until 4am while Jez kept an eye on me.
On tuesday there was feeling ill and pathetic and miserable and being sat on a lot by cats.
On tuesday eve there was being violently miserable and being very confused that now we'd broken up Matt decided to hug me when I haven't been allowed to touch him all month.
Finally neurons had a thought. It went like this: 'Are you saying we can't be together because I make you miserable? Or are you saying we can't be together because you think your presence in my life is stopping me being who you think I should be?'
It occurred that the latter was something Matt might think and, being depressed enough, act upon. And that would be fucking stupid since it wouldn't make me happy and it wouldn't make him happy either. For the love of all the gods, if things are going to end at least one of us should want it to, otherwise wtf?
So I asked. Matt said I didn't make him miserable. So I asked was everything perhaps unfixable? He said he didn't know. I asked if leaving was something he truly saw as the answer or if he just couldn't think of a better solution? He looked somewhat lost and said he didn't know.
I could be entirely wrong, but it would seem to me the situation is that we have broken up unless I can argue otherwise. Which is weird. I am now optimistic and pessimistic in equal measure and utterly confused.
I am off to Sussex and the Oast today. I return somewhen later. I don't know if this is a good thing or not, given the timing and current circumstance.