unhappy
last sunday matt ran away in a fit of uber blonge because my family wanted to give him birthday presents. he didn't explain or even lie or excuse himself to anyone.
by late tuesday he'd thawed or whatever and was talking to me again.
friday we hooked up with rain and had a meal out. all was shiny and lovey til we got back and my dad (somewhere between fair and pokey) asked what was with matt the last weekend and was a phone call beyond him? i could feel the blonge settle and the distance grow - it was stunning. matt remained silent, passing up the opportunity to say 'sorry' or if that was too much then to blag or charm his way out of it which he could have with ease.
matt stayed upstairs for a chunk of the eve while rain and i talked and my neurons despaired. things got a bit better until i reminded him he had presents. that immediately dropped the temperature and added another thousand miles to the road. i got undressed for bed; matt stayed in his clothes on top of the covers. yey. that naturally made me feel all warm and toasty inside and not like leaving to sleep downstairs on the fucking sofa at all. (if there's gonna be distance i'd rather it was physical instead of psychological, thanks.)
saturday morning was filled with silence and blonge until i went house hunting with james. when i got back matt was gone. (no text no note.) he was at vampire games which i later attended and things seemed better again if (at least on my part) mildly strained. late saturday night i was sick of feeling fractious and sadly over matt's behaviour so told him so. no explanation or such like was forthcoming, somehow i managed not to be a completely blongey bitch on sunday morning but was mopey as hell. knew going to the vampire games was a bad idea but convinced myself it would be ok.
games was okay til near the end when matt played tehm; for one he's better at being a witty wench than i am, so i felt extremely second rate. secondly i had hoped we would wench on each other, but we didn't because matt didn't ever let himself be kissed or even embraced much or draped over. fair enough i suppose, but it made me wish to be a thousand miles away and not pissing about desperately trying to be something i wasn't.
matt said he could come back to kew but then wanted to go to hatfield as that was easier.
so here i am as usual feeling like shit on a sunday night. only this time i feel extra shitty because i've had two bad weekends with matt in a row and neurons are feeling like they've obviously really fucked up somewhere they just don't know where.
and no, i don't know his reasons for any of this, i could be being grossly unfair, misinterpreting, mountainns out of molehills etc etc. fine. but unless he tells me otherwise i think my neurons are blameless in however they interpret this shit, don't you?
95% of the time matt spoils me and is more than i deserve... but those other 5% days hurt like fuck.
so now all i need to know is, do i do nothing, do i stop playing vampire games or do i stop being around matt?
'cos i'm sure doing one of the three is this week's secret to getting happier, i just don't know which one.
i want to drink a quart of vodka and stick a knife in my arm, but i have work tomorrow.
if this mood hangs around maybe i'll reschedual for tuesday.
by late tuesday he'd thawed or whatever and was talking to me again.
friday we hooked up with rain and had a meal out. all was shiny and lovey til we got back and my dad (somewhere between fair and pokey) asked what was with matt the last weekend and was a phone call beyond him? i could feel the blonge settle and the distance grow - it was stunning. matt remained silent, passing up the opportunity to say 'sorry' or if that was too much then to blag or charm his way out of it which he could have with ease.
matt stayed upstairs for a chunk of the eve while rain and i talked and my neurons despaired. things got a bit better until i reminded him he had presents. that immediately dropped the temperature and added another thousand miles to the road. i got undressed for bed; matt stayed in his clothes on top of the covers. yey. that naturally made me feel all warm and toasty inside and not like leaving to sleep downstairs on the fucking sofa at all. (if there's gonna be distance i'd rather it was physical instead of psychological, thanks.)
saturday morning was filled with silence and blonge until i went house hunting with james. when i got back matt was gone. (no text no note.) he was at vampire games which i later attended and things seemed better again if (at least on my part) mildly strained. late saturday night i was sick of feeling fractious and sadly over matt's behaviour so told him so. no explanation or such like was forthcoming, somehow i managed not to be a completely blongey bitch on sunday morning but was mopey as hell. knew going to the vampire games was a bad idea but convinced myself it would be ok.
games was okay til near the end when matt played tehm; for one he's better at being a witty wench than i am, so i felt extremely second rate. secondly i had hoped we would wench on each other, but we didn't because matt didn't ever let himself be kissed or even embraced much or draped over. fair enough i suppose, but it made me wish to be a thousand miles away and not pissing about desperately trying to be something i wasn't.
matt said he could come back to kew but then wanted to go to hatfield as that was easier.
so here i am as usual feeling like shit on a sunday night. only this time i feel extra shitty because i've had two bad weekends with matt in a row and neurons are feeling like they've obviously really fucked up somewhere they just don't know where.
and no, i don't know his reasons for any of this, i could be being grossly unfair, misinterpreting, mountainns out of molehills etc etc. fine. but unless he tells me otherwise i think my neurons are blameless in however they interpret this shit, don't you?
95% of the time matt spoils me and is more than i deserve... but those other 5% days hurt like fuck.
so now all i need to know is, do i do nothing, do i stop playing vampire games or do i stop being around matt?
'cos i'm sure doing one of the three is this week's secret to getting happier, i just don't know which one.
i want to drink a quart of vodka and stick a knife in my arm, but i have work tomorrow.
if this mood hangs around maybe i'll reschedual for tuesday.