IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS
TOP STORY
* White House: "Nu-Uh!!!"
Washington--The White House Monday heaped harsh criticism on Richard Clarke, the former terrorism adviser for Reagan, Bush, Clinton and Bush who obviously knows nothing about terrorism. The Administration accused Clarke of election-year grandstanding, telling the truth, being a tattle-tale, and not playing fair in his new book which is sharply critical of the White House's brilliant and totally effective handling of the "terror war".
In the book, Against All Enemies, Clarke asserts from his position inside the White House that Bush and Cheney were obsessed with Iraq both before and after the terrorist attacks on 9/11, which you must have forgotten about, and that their obsession led them to launch an "unnecessary and costly war. . . that strengthened the fundamentalist, radical Islamic terrorist movement worldwide." For his assertions, Clarke has several hundred pages of background, as well as two decades of experience in actually fighting terrorism. In countering Clarke's accusations, the Bush White House pointed to their stunning successes in capturing Osama bin Laden, in ending the insurrection in Iraq, in finding massive stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction for immediate use by both Iraq and al Qaeda, and also proving the definitive link between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.
"It is obvious," said Vice President Cheney, "that Clarke missed a lot of what was going on. Clearly his eight years under Bill Clinton addled his brain and rendered him blind to the imminent danger to the United States posed by a nation too poor to feed itself, and its obvious links with terrorism which we're totally going to tell you about later." Cheney also added that Clarke was probably disgruntled at having been passed over for a promotion, and "that is the only conceivable reason he would want to blow the whis--I mean, spread these damnable lies against us."
"Clearly, Clarke is a terrorist. Have you ever seen him in the same room as Osama bin Laden? I thought not."
IN OTHER NEWS:
* Palestinians Mourn Assassination Of Gandalf
* Depressed? Get The Fuck Over It
* Killer Beach Balls Attack At Fashion Show
* Scary Clowns Learn To Make Balloon Animals For Jesus
* Clarke: God, What A Shitty President We Have
* Buddhist Monk Gets Balls Kicked On Floor Of California State Assembly; Good Thing They've Solved That $40 Billion Deficit
* Ridge Introduces Rail Passenger Screening Now That Train Has Already Left Station
* Sorry, We Had To
* Trial Of Actual Terrorist Finally Begins Ten Years Later In Oklahoma CIty
* O'Neill's Unflattering Book About Bush Completely Legal, Completely True
* Assassination Of Influential Leader Somehow Fails To Bring Peace to Middle East
* AGAIN
* Murder of Foreigners In Iraq Merits Only Sidebar Article
* Drat, Pakistani Forces Foiled By Meddling Kids
* Indonesian Kissing Festival Somehow Turns Raunchy
* Circus Elephant Hearts DC
* Defense Attorney Calls Client "Drunken Crackhead" In Attempt To Avert Death Penalty; We Could Make This Up, But This Time We Didn't Have To
* Governor Urges Virginia House To Be Responsible, Actually Pass Budget
* Dow Falls To Near 10,000 Again; Even Rich Getting Poorer In Bush Economy
* Home Depot Introduces Gift Registry; Newlywed Lesbians Celebrate
* New "Instant Battery" Introduced For People Too Good, Stupid To Charge Own Cell Phones
* Obesity Unhealthy, Retarded Researchers Learn
* Local Homo Skating At Worlds
* Men's, Women's Basketball Teams Seek Victories
* GET AN IT JOB, SLACKER
* Cutehead Singer/Songwriter Is Only Norwegian We Can Name
* Opening Act Better Than Headliners At Local Club
* Madonna Announces Another Boring, Over-Staged Tour
* People Page Laments, Reinforces Undeserved Celebrity
* Every Living, Literate Celebrity Has Now Written A Children's Book
FUNNY PAGE
* Man is beaned in the head! With cathartic results.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* Cupid Companion: DAIHER
* Crook's Cover: ALIBS
EDITOR'S NOTE:
In the above, the second "I" in ALIBI crosses where the "S" should be in DASHER. Good job!
CORRECTIONS:
No, Oregon and Washington really are the same state. Nevermind.
* White House: "Nu-Uh!!!"
Washington--The White House Monday heaped harsh criticism on Richard Clarke, the former terrorism adviser for Reagan, Bush, Clinton and Bush who obviously knows nothing about terrorism. The Administration accused Clarke of election-year grandstanding, telling the truth, being a tattle-tale, and not playing fair in his new book which is sharply critical of the White House's brilliant and totally effective handling of the "terror war".
In the book, Against All Enemies, Clarke asserts from his position inside the White House that Bush and Cheney were obsessed with Iraq both before and after the terrorist attacks on 9/11, which you must have forgotten about, and that their obsession led them to launch an "unnecessary and costly war. . . that strengthened the fundamentalist, radical Islamic terrorist movement worldwide." For his assertions, Clarke has several hundred pages of background, as well as two decades of experience in actually fighting terrorism. In countering Clarke's accusations, the Bush White House pointed to their stunning successes in capturing Osama bin Laden, in ending the insurrection in Iraq, in finding massive stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction for immediate use by both Iraq and al Qaeda, and also proving the definitive link between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.
"It is obvious," said Vice President Cheney, "that Clarke missed a lot of what was going on. Clearly his eight years under Bill Clinton addled his brain and rendered him blind to the imminent danger to the United States posed by a nation too poor to feed itself, and its obvious links with terrorism which we're totally going to tell you about later." Cheney also added that Clarke was probably disgruntled at having been passed over for a promotion, and "that is the only conceivable reason he would want to blow the whis--I mean, spread these damnable lies against us."
"Clearly, Clarke is a terrorist. Have you ever seen him in the same room as Osama bin Laden? I thought not."
IN OTHER NEWS:
* Palestinians Mourn Assassination Of Gandalf
* Depressed? Get The Fuck Over It
* Killer Beach Balls Attack At Fashion Show
* Scary Clowns Learn To Make Balloon Animals For Jesus
* Clarke: God, What A Shitty President We Have
* Buddhist Monk Gets Balls Kicked On Floor Of California State Assembly; Good Thing They've Solved That $40 Billion Deficit
* Ridge Introduces Rail Passenger Screening Now That Train Has Already Left Station
* Sorry, We Had To
* Trial Of Actual Terrorist Finally Begins Ten Years Later In Oklahoma CIty
* O'Neill's Unflattering Book About Bush Completely Legal, Completely True
* Assassination Of Influential Leader Somehow Fails To Bring Peace to Middle East
* AGAIN
* Murder of Foreigners In Iraq Merits Only Sidebar Article
* Drat, Pakistani Forces Foiled By Meddling Kids
* Indonesian Kissing Festival Somehow Turns Raunchy
* Circus Elephant Hearts DC
* Defense Attorney Calls Client "Drunken Crackhead" In Attempt To Avert Death Penalty; We Could Make This Up, But This Time We Didn't Have To
* Governor Urges Virginia House To Be Responsible, Actually Pass Budget
* Dow Falls To Near 10,000 Again; Even Rich Getting Poorer In Bush Economy
* Home Depot Introduces Gift Registry; Newlywed Lesbians Celebrate
* New "Instant Battery" Introduced For People Too Good, Stupid To Charge Own Cell Phones
* Obesity Unhealthy, Retarded Researchers Learn
* Local Homo Skating At Worlds
* Men's, Women's Basketball Teams Seek Victories
* GET AN IT JOB, SLACKER
* Cutehead Singer/Songwriter Is Only Norwegian We Can Name
* Opening Act Better Than Headliners At Local Club
* Madonna Announces Another Boring, Over-Staged Tour
* People Page Laments, Reinforces Undeserved Celebrity
* Every Living, Literate Celebrity Has Now Written A Children's Book
FUNNY PAGE
* Man is beaned in the head! With cathartic results.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* Cupid Companion: DAIHER
* Crook's Cover: ALIBS
EDITOR'S NOTE:
In the above, the second "I" in ALIBI crosses where the "S" should be in DASHER. Good job!
CORRECTIONS:
No, Oregon and Washington really are the same state. Nevermind.