IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS
TOP STORY
* Pakistan: "HA HA Funny Joke"
Wana, Pakistan--Fighting between Pakistani security forces and people they swear are terrorists and not just some people they have a grudge against ebbed on Sunday, and representatives of the Pakistani government sought to find a peaecful way to end the clash. A twenty-five member council representing the 5-6,000 person-strong government forces began negotiations under a white flag with the far outnumbered "terrorists," although after a week of inconclusive fighting in the South Waziristan province, a name we swear we didn't just make up, it was unclear who was surrendering to whom.
The Pakistani forces took advantage of the pause to invade and trash people's homes looking for some "high-value" target whom they believe could possibly be in the area. Asked if it was Ayman al-Zawahri, al Qaeda's First Deputy Lieutenant Secretary in Charge of Terror War Veterans' Benefits, as was widely reported last week, a spokesperson for the Pakistani forces said, "I don't know who you're talking about. Even if he had ever been here--and I'm not saying that he was because he wasn't and we never said he was--he probably escaped through a series of tunnels that we totally knew about, but didn't close off because of. Um."
The operation is the largest by Pakistan in their immensely helpful efforts to aid the war on terror. That the assault also happened to be in a largely lawless region inhabited by savages and darkies with no loyalty to the Pakistani government was "a complete coincidence. What motive would we have to encourage the United States to fund actions in our own governmental interests? That's just crazy talk."
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* Pakistan: "HA HA Funny Joke"
Wana, Pakistan--Fighting between Pakistani security forces and people they swear are terrorists and not just some people they have a grudge against ebbed on Sunday, and representatives of the Pakistani government sought to find a peaecful way to end the clash. A twenty-five member council representing the 5-6,000 person-strong government forces began negotiations under a white flag with the far outnumbered "terrorists," although after a week of inconclusive fighting in the South Waziristan province, a name we swear we didn't just make up, it was unclear who was surrendering to whom.
The Pakistani forces took advantage of the pause to invade and trash people's homes looking for some "high-value" target whom they believe could possibly be in the area. Asked if it was Ayman al-Zawahri, al Qaeda's First Deputy Lieutenant Secretary in Charge of Terror War Veterans' Benefits, as was widely reported last week, a spokesperson for the Pakistani forces said, "I don't know who you're talking about. Even if he had ever been here--and I'm not saying that he was because he wasn't and we never said he was--he probably escaped through a series of tunnels that we totally knew about, but didn't close off because of. Um."
The operation is the largest by Pakistan in their immensely helpful efforts to aid the war on terror. That the assault also happened to be in a largely lawless region inhabited by savages and darkies with no loyalty to the Pakistani government was "a complete coincidence. What motive would we have to encourage the United States to fund actions in our own governmental interests? That's just crazy talk."
IN OTHER NEWS
* Philadelphians Detonate Worthless Eyesore
* No, Not Pittsburgh
* British Theatre Troupe Seeks Dead Actor; "Can't Be Worse Than Keanu"
* Filipinos Bake Yet Another Big Berry Cake; Looking For New Hobbies
* Kerry Will Take Your Money And Use It To Fund Programs, Hysterical Bush Alleges
* POOR INNOCENT WIDDLE IDDY BABY KILLED IN HELICOPTER CRASH Also Three Other People
* Students Learning How to Take Tests, Tests Prove
* People Have Differing Opinions On "Oregonian" Lesbian Minister
* Who Is Actually From Ellensburg, Washington
* Brown "Really Sorry" That Founder Took Money From Slave Owners 250 Years Ago
* Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney: "Have You Ever Seen John Kerry and Michael Jackson Together In The Same Room?"
* Iraq, Rockets, Yaddah
* Taiwanese High Court Orders Presidential Recount; Scalia Scandalized
* Afghanistan, Kosovo Still Fucked, In Case You Wondered
* Email Circulates With Mistaken Attribution For Probably First Time Ever
* Traffic In Local Counties To Remain Fucked For Probably Ever
* Basketball Bracket Makers Know Fuck-All About Basketball
* Local Team Sure Good At Losing
* VH1 Much Better Now Without Videos, Hits
* Desire To Have Sex With Wife Deemed Inappropriate In Virginia
* Terror Titties To Make Appearance On Letterman
* Here's A Picture We Liked That Isn't Related To Anything
* Horse Has Right Idea; Throws, Kicks Paris Hilton
* New 'Who' Is Who? Never Heard Of Him
FUNNY PAGE
* We're sure this makes sense to someone! With Hilarious Results
CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* Keep Getting Mad: RENEW
* Working At A Nightclub In Prague: BOUNCING CZECHS
* One Who Finds It Tough To Pass The Bar: SOT