blehhh.
my future is going absolutely nowhere important.
for so long.. soooo veryy veryyyy long... my ambition and my confidence and my overall FAITH in MYSELF and my idea that i'm doing something AMAZING while i'm here... was really the only thing keeping me going.
the only thing i still BELIEVED in.
anybody and everybody could fail me.
anybody could love me and leave me...
anybody could let me down...
for all i know, the LOVE of my LIFE..the person in my future who might wind up making me the happiest...
could just fall over dead.
and then where am i?
sobbing in a puddle of grief.
sad. but possible.
so for as long as i can remember.. i've stored all of my faith into myself.
i can't fail me if i won't let myself.
i CAN reach my goals if i want to badly enough...
i'm the only person who has the ability to pull through.
i'm the only person who i can rely on completely...
its only ME.
and i'm not saying that because i think that i'm better than anyone...because i'm not.
i'm saying that because its TRUE.
because my actions are the only actions over which i have CONTROL.
i can't EXPECT anybody else to make me happy.
i'm the only person whom i have the right to ask that of.
it's solely me...who i have the right to look square in the face and demand that they make me happy.
my reflection is the only person whom i have the right to DEMAND to make me happy.
only i can be 100% positive that i'll be there for the whole race.
i'm my only friend.
i'm the only person who cannot let me down.
i'm awesome and i'm amazing and i'm talented and i'm DOING SOMETHING NOTEWORTHY WITH THIS LIFE.
or so i thought.
sooner or later i guess it was bound to hit me...
to hit me that i'm not as amazing as i pretend i am when i close my eyes.
to hit me that i'm not different. i'm not special. i'm not rare or unique.
to hit me that i'll wind up with a 9 to 5 job just like everybody else...
that i'll never be completely satisfied and i'll sell out just like every other self proclaimed 'free spirit'
i guess sooner or later it was bound to hit me...
that i'm not the prettiest.
or the smartest.
or the fastest.
or the greatest.
that i'm not the most talented.
the most revered.
the most compassionate or caring or giving.
that i'm not the most philosophical.
or the most intelligent.
or the most envied or the most loved...
and i never will be.
i'd die to be those things for a day.
for an hour.
not even all of them combined.
.. just one.
i'd stop my heart from beating right now if i could feel just a MOMENTS worth of COMFORT...
just one minute...
of a complete LACK
of any and all insecurities.
for just a moment of...self worth.
but i'll never get that.
and i'll never be those things.
i know i should be confident... and aware of my strengths...
and i do my best to present that sort of facade, to avoid being messed with.
but i'm not confident.
not at all.
and i'm certain now of my fate...
as just another.
i'll be just another worker bee, carrying my briefcase into the office.
the briefcase thats holding all the files and the papers that i dont really understand...
i'll be just another soccer mom, driving down the highway in her minivan.
the minivan thats holding all the resentments of my dying dreams.
i'll be just another victim of suburbia, in my little yellow house.
my little yellow thats holding all its knick and all its knacks that serve no purpose other than to flaunt.
i'll be just another american, clinging to the news.
the news...thats holding all its sadness and its truth...its politics and its sob stories...all of the things about my life that i can't escape.
all of the complications that earlier people were able to go without...
i think...
i'll go and wash my face now, before i go to bed.
and then i'll turn off the water and watch the remnants of my makeup swirling down the drain.
and i'll think about watching that same combination of colors, twirling and spiraling down...day after day...year after year...
and i'll think about how i'll never leave home without it.
those colors.
those masks.
and i'll turn the faucet on and off again, to make sure that all the makeup's gone.
and for the first time in my life...
i'll watch my freedom...my confidence...and my faith...
go swirling down the drain.
for so long.. soooo veryy veryyyy long... my ambition and my confidence and my overall FAITH in MYSELF and my idea that i'm doing something AMAZING while i'm here... was really the only thing keeping me going.
the only thing i still BELIEVED in.
anybody and everybody could fail me.
anybody could love me and leave me...
anybody could let me down...
for all i know, the LOVE of my LIFE..the person in my future who might wind up making me the happiest...
could just fall over dead.
and then where am i?
sobbing in a puddle of grief.
sad. but possible.
so for as long as i can remember.. i've stored all of my faith into myself.
i can't fail me if i won't let myself.
i CAN reach my goals if i want to badly enough...
i'm the only person who has the ability to pull through.
i'm the only person who i can rely on completely...
its only ME.
and i'm not saying that because i think that i'm better than anyone...because i'm not.
i'm saying that because its TRUE.
because my actions are the only actions over which i have CONTROL.
i can't EXPECT anybody else to make me happy.
i'm the only person whom i have the right to ask that of.
it's solely me...who i have the right to look square in the face and demand that they make me happy.
my reflection is the only person whom i have the right to DEMAND to make me happy.
only i can be 100% positive that i'll be there for the whole race.
i'm my only friend.
i'm the only person who cannot let me down.
i'm awesome and i'm amazing and i'm talented and i'm DOING SOMETHING NOTEWORTHY WITH THIS LIFE.
or so i thought.
sooner or later i guess it was bound to hit me...
to hit me that i'm not as amazing as i pretend i am when i close my eyes.
to hit me that i'm not different. i'm not special. i'm not rare or unique.
to hit me that i'll wind up with a 9 to 5 job just like everybody else...
that i'll never be completely satisfied and i'll sell out just like every other self proclaimed 'free spirit'
i guess sooner or later it was bound to hit me...
that i'm not the prettiest.
or the smartest.
or the fastest.
or the greatest.
that i'm not the most talented.
the most revered.
the most compassionate or caring or giving.
that i'm not the most philosophical.
or the most intelligent.
or the most envied or the most loved...
and i never will be.
i'd die to be those things for a day.
for an hour.
not even all of them combined.
.. just one.
i'd stop my heart from beating right now if i could feel just a MOMENTS worth of COMFORT...
just one minute...
of a complete LACK
of any and all insecurities.
for just a moment of...self worth.
but i'll never get that.
and i'll never be those things.
i know i should be confident... and aware of my strengths...
and i do my best to present that sort of facade, to avoid being messed with.
but i'm not confident.
not at all.
and i'm certain now of my fate...
as just another.
i'll be just another worker bee, carrying my briefcase into the office.
the briefcase thats holding all the files and the papers that i dont really understand...
i'll be just another soccer mom, driving down the highway in her minivan.
the minivan thats holding all the resentments of my dying dreams.
i'll be just another victim of suburbia, in my little yellow house.
my little yellow thats holding all its knick and all its knacks that serve no purpose other than to flaunt.
i'll be just another american, clinging to the news.
the news...thats holding all its sadness and its truth...its politics and its sob stories...all of the things about my life that i can't escape.
all of the complications that earlier people were able to go without...
i think...
i'll go and wash my face now, before i go to bed.
and then i'll turn off the water and watch the remnants of my makeup swirling down the drain.
and i'll think about watching that same combination of colors, twirling and spiraling down...day after day...year after year...
and i'll think about how i'll never leave home without it.
those colors.
those masks.
and i'll turn the faucet on and off again, to make sure that all the makeup's gone.
and for the first time in my life...
i'll watch my freedom...my confidence...and my faith...
go swirling down the drain.