um.

[wouldbe]

so. it's the last monday of my freshman year. actually, that's not even fair to say as technically, i'm no longer taking classes, and it's not even reading week anymore, just officially finals week. wow. this whole thing is about to be over. recently, i've been feeling kind of two ways about it. on the one hand, thank god. i need to go home. please. on the other hand, i love reed, i belong here, i can do this blah blah blah. i'm kind of miserable. i broke down today and got so upset that i further broke my already broken shitty wooden dorm desk chair. i don't know how to begin explaining how conflicted i feel about my friends, and my classes, and even going home really. the truth is that it changes from day to day. one day, i love being here and i couldn't have better friends or a better life. the next day i'm depresssed, hate life, my friends, my classes, these tests and papers and the library. but the real truth is that i don't think that's going to change/would be different if i were in seattle. i mean, yes, there are distinct differences. i wouldn't feel academically stimulated but i also wouldn't sometimes look around myself and feel so trapped and alone in the same way at reed. seattle is a trap. and i do get lonely there. but it's a different kind of lonely and a different kind of trapped. here i'm trapped on this fucking campus. i'm trapped into being surrounded by the same people all the time and still being so lonely. in seattle, my friends exist but they aren't always within walking distance and sometimes they just can't be around. but in a way, that feels more like life. i would be sad in seattle, though, too, i'm sure. plus this whole eating/not eating thing is really beginning to get to me. my body needs to chill out. and i need to eat somewhere other than commons. right now i'm sick and hungry but food just sounds so unappealing. ugh. also, the idea of leaving this place that has now become my really fucked up but yet well known home and those people who have been constantly surrounding me, which is comforting in a sick way, and the kids down the hall and the kids i walk by all the time and all the people that i sit next to in all of my classes and during meals... gone. me. home. them. their homes, or whatever. it's going to be a shock, i think. because really, i love those people. which is what makes feeling this lonely and this bored so... i guess hard is the word. and i'm upset that liv graduated in march and it's not may and she hasn't tried to get ahold of me. and i'm upset about michelle's lies. and about how still, she doesn't call me, and how this whole year i don't actually think she's followed through on one big thing or an infinite number of little things (ie: being on time) the entire time i've been in school. and i also know how hard this year has been for her and feel guilty for leaving her to face seattle by herself. because, i know that if i had been in seattle this year, things would have been different for her. but different for me too, as i would have also suffered the horrible fate of those left behind and maybe i would have gone with michelle down those same paths, although really.. i don't think so. but she wouldn't have been so alone and so bored and that is a direct difference that i could have made but, of course, not a sacrifice i was willing to make. and and i can't believe the level that she let it get to and the things she has gotten herself into. but i love her. a lot. this year has changed me. and i'm older. and harder. but still, really, the same slave to my moods and some days are good and some days are bad. and i feel bad about david and how, although we love each other, he says i don't really know him and i probably won't see that much of him. but also all the shit that he has to deal with. although, i know in a sick way david needs that feeling of obligation and thrives on it, things have gotten to a truly ridiculous point that cannot all be the result of how he is and that sick need but actual fucked up circumstances. and i wish that i could be of some, any support to him. but i don't think that's possible and it makes me sad. i feel bad about everyone i've loved that doesn't want to see anymore of me, and all the people that have suffered this year because they couldn't be around the people who love them, me but not just me, because of fucking college and going away to college. and everyone who stayed at home and had to find a new life in the same fucking city because suddenly everyone was gone. but this year needed to happen and i would never have been able to learn this shit in seattle, whatever this shit is, and that's probably true for everyone else as well. it sucked but it needed to happen. which is why i'm coming back next year. it sucks and it probably will suck but it's what's got to happen. and i've been reading st. augustine's confessions, plus i just wrote this huge paper on gnosticism that i was researching for ages, and i've been wanting to look inside of myself. i don't know. i can't type all of my thoughts on religion and confession and gnosis out right now. i can't summarize why i like augustine or gnosticism right now. but yeah. i'm thinking about it. i really hope (kind of know) everything's going to be ok, everyone's going to be ok. i just get really frustrated about how hard this is sometimes.

- this has been a monologue brought to you by stoned tosh. <3. holla at seattle next sunday.