...
A long overdue post...
first off... its my mom's bday...
Does anyone actually still read this, or did i not really ever have anyone following what I had to say to begin with...
turns out alot of people never really did so does that mean no of u ever really did? Is there a point to really writting then, yes I realize it's all good getting your thoughts out there and making something of them. I realize that when I write things down it's like clearing my head and it kinda makes things make sense by putting them in a perspective. I can even say it is good to just write not for anyone else and if it was all the better just to express how life is, and what's going on in it, and how i see it...
I guess I am writting right now because I just came to this realization. I got a new computer yesterday, I had to get all new msn emotion icons to be re added, man my msn was lonely, I have to find and re add all my web sites, I have to re add all my programs and in the mist of all this I had to search to find this very page I am writting on now.
sorry if I don't make sense, when I am thinking most of the time I never do, it's just the way I am. I think and type I think what I type and whatever I have been thinking it is not going to be written here.
it's 10:40 pm and some immature kids just rang my bell like 10 times in a row and ran away, wow, whats the point?
Anyways...
I think it will be good writting in this thing again, now that it is found. I think I might have an emotional problem, like low level of tolerance in adult related problems.
Sorry that doesn't make sense, let me try again, like I work in a daycare right and I can deal with my kids and I can expect so much from them and so forth(I have 8, 3-4year olds). I have patience for certain kids that I know if they are wild up and so am I it can only get worse, I know which kids need what kind of attention from me, which can't be or play with which for too long without some intervention, which need more of my attention etc. I know there weakness', there medications, their allergies. I even know when some of them might get so frustrated that could explode. As well I know the same thing about myself. I know when I am frustrated, when I need a break, my weakness and my strenghts, my sickness, my allergies etc, but what I feel I do no know yet is how to stop myself from making a situation worse before I can make it better instead of just staying happy or whatever the way it is.
If it is already a bad situation fine, but if i start it it's like i can't just stop, I need to get my point across because I feeel like i am always being walked on.
It's like this in my home, parents fight till there blue in the face sometimes, but to me and my sister we will always just be little kids who don't need to know what is going on though I can hear every word.
At work, alot of the time I am the one on my lunch break who is still doing stuff for other people, or I have signed out yet half an hour later I am still at work... (i don't mind most of the time)
And in my relationships... it is kinda like after being walked on by everyone else i don't deserve to be second best anymore,
BUT this is where i am wrong. I shouldn't be taking it out on those people. I shouldn't take it out on anyone, but one day all the pressures just build up and they all come out. Then the fighting begins again, maybe not only with my parents but with me and my relationship.
I dont know if I make any sense, I guess what I am trying to say is I can keep my cool for only so long, I know when I am with those kids that I have to be the adult and be strong no matter what but with everything else deep down sometimes I just feel weak and vulnerable instead. Instead of letting people in I fight back in the wrong ways and I let little things bother me to the point of fighting, and i know it's wrong and I say over and over that I should stop but then it those words only go so far as to the next time I let a little thing bother me.
NO i don't want anyone telling me they think i need to see someone, this isn't what this is about,(besides I did for like almost 2 years in cegep.. thanks wesley for fucking me up so bad.. i was so depressed back then) This is about me expressing how I am in this vicious cirle and I just want just one person to listen and agree or understand where I am comming from, not judge me or tell me off or whatever just to understand that everyone has strengths and weakness' and it's good to finally get one of mine out here.
I wanna start writting on a continous basis in here again, so even if no one reads this ever again I am going to still be here writting...
g'nite
first off... its my mom's bday...
Does anyone actually still read this, or did i not really ever have anyone following what I had to say to begin with...
turns out alot of people never really did so does that mean no of u ever really did? Is there a point to really writting then, yes I realize it's all good getting your thoughts out there and making something of them. I realize that when I write things down it's like clearing my head and it kinda makes things make sense by putting them in a perspective. I can even say it is good to just write not for anyone else and if it was all the better just to express how life is, and what's going on in it, and how i see it...
I guess I am writting right now because I just came to this realization. I got a new computer yesterday, I had to get all new msn emotion icons to be re added, man my msn was lonely, I have to find and re add all my web sites, I have to re add all my programs and in the mist of all this I had to search to find this very page I am writting on now.
sorry if I don't make sense, when I am thinking most of the time I never do, it's just the way I am. I think and type I think what I type and whatever I have been thinking it is not going to be written here.
it's 10:40 pm and some immature kids just rang my bell like 10 times in a row and ran away, wow, whats the point?
Anyways...
I think it will be good writting in this thing again, now that it is found. I think I might have an emotional problem, like low level of tolerance in adult related problems.
Sorry that doesn't make sense, let me try again, like I work in a daycare right and I can deal with my kids and I can expect so much from them and so forth(I have 8, 3-4year olds). I have patience for certain kids that I know if they are wild up and so am I it can only get worse, I know which kids need what kind of attention from me, which can't be or play with which for too long without some intervention, which need more of my attention etc. I know there weakness', there medications, their allergies. I even know when some of them might get so frustrated that could explode. As well I know the same thing about myself. I know when I am frustrated, when I need a break, my weakness and my strenghts, my sickness, my allergies etc, but what I feel I do no know yet is how to stop myself from making a situation worse before I can make it better instead of just staying happy or whatever the way it is.
If it is already a bad situation fine, but if i start it it's like i can't just stop, I need to get my point across because I feeel like i am always being walked on.
It's like this in my home, parents fight till there blue in the face sometimes, but to me and my sister we will always just be little kids who don't need to know what is going on though I can hear every word.
At work, alot of the time I am the one on my lunch break who is still doing stuff for other people, or I have signed out yet half an hour later I am still at work... (i don't mind most of the time)
And in my relationships... it is kinda like after being walked on by everyone else i don't deserve to be second best anymore,
BUT this is where i am wrong. I shouldn't be taking it out on those people. I shouldn't take it out on anyone, but one day all the pressures just build up and they all come out. Then the fighting begins again, maybe not only with my parents but with me and my relationship.
I dont know if I make any sense, I guess what I am trying to say is I can keep my cool for only so long, I know when I am with those kids that I have to be the adult and be strong no matter what but with everything else deep down sometimes I just feel weak and vulnerable instead. Instead of letting people in I fight back in the wrong ways and I let little things bother me to the point of fighting, and i know it's wrong and I say over and over that I should stop but then it those words only go so far as to the next time I let a little thing bother me.
NO i don't want anyone telling me they think i need to see someone, this isn't what this is about,(besides I did for like almost 2 years in cegep.. thanks wesley for fucking me up so bad.. i was so depressed back then) This is about me expressing how I am in this vicious cirle and I just want just one person to listen and agree or understand where I am comming from, not judge me or tell me off or whatever just to understand that everyone has strengths and weakness' and it's good to finally get one of mine out here.
I wanna start writting on a continous basis in here again, so even if no one reads this ever again I am going to still be here writting...
g'nite