trust issues
I'm starting to realize something that I've refused to acknowledge prior to this year. As much as I try to be a calloused, cold-hearted, calculating person who doesn't let people in and doesn't get hurt, I never will be. I have this uncanny obsession with giving people the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to hate people.
This does not mean that I will stop myself from hating people, it just means that I want to be friends. I don't want to hold grudges. I do, but I don't want to. If Sean came back and said he wanted to be friends, I would act like nothing happened. If Rebecca came back and apologized for the AIDS thing, I would act like nothing happened. And every time I let someone in against my better judgement, it doesn't end well.
I learned this when I thought that Sean and I could be friends. I learned this when I took a chance and tried to move on from Sean. I learned this when I thought that the people who used to hate me didn't hate me anymore. I constantly learn how many people there are out there who strongly and completely despise me. I keep learning how many people there are out there who let me down and attack my faith in humanity.
And still, I want to think better of them. I want people to be good inside. I want people not to completely suck. I keep thinking that I am the biggest asshole I know, and while that may still be true there are others out there who rival to take my title.
I don't know exactly what I intended to accomplish with this post-- I just know that it will happen again and I will end up disappointed. This isn't an isolated occasion.
I guess it can be summed up with, I really am starting to realize where my friends are. And if you aren't in-- you're completely out. I don't have time for gray area.
This does not mean that I will stop myself from hating people, it just means that I want to be friends. I don't want to hold grudges. I do, but I don't want to. If Sean came back and said he wanted to be friends, I would act like nothing happened. If Rebecca came back and apologized for the AIDS thing, I would act like nothing happened. And every time I let someone in against my better judgement, it doesn't end well.
I learned this when I thought that Sean and I could be friends. I learned this when I took a chance and tried to move on from Sean. I learned this when I thought that the people who used to hate me didn't hate me anymore. I constantly learn how many people there are out there who strongly and completely despise me. I keep learning how many people there are out there who let me down and attack my faith in humanity.
And still, I want to think better of them. I want people to be good inside. I want people not to completely suck. I keep thinking that I am the biggest asshole I know, and while that may still be true there are others out there who rival to take my title.
I don't know exactly what I intended to accomplish with this post-- I just know that it will happen again and I will end up disappointed. This isn't an isolated occasion.
I guess it can be summed up with, I really am starting to realize where my friends are. And if you aren't in-- you're completely out. I don't have time for gray area.