Call me Ebeneezer
This is not the Christmas season entry that one would hope to read. Trust me, this is the last type of holiday message that I want to write but I need to rant to something and this is the proper medium for these types of worthless drivel-- freedom of speech on the internet and such.
I've been trying to relive the holiday happiness vicariously through my own memories this year rather than being able to be swept up in the jingle bells. I can't seem to find the time to enjoy the season because I've been too busy wrapped up in Disney. I've had one day off since I've been home. That day I did half my laundry and didn't fold it-- in fact it's still sitting in a pile at the foot of my bed waiting to be folded. This is what I'll be doing on Christmas-- folding laundry. Much in the same way I do at the DS.
I'm just not excited to get up in the morning and see the presents and spend a day with family-- drinking Egg Nog (which I don't think we'll have and I probably shouldn't have because I've been mad putting on the weight I lost over the summer) and opening presents. I'm not ready for it emotionally. In fact, I only really get excited about Monday because it's my first real day off in a while and I don't have to fucking go to Oakbrook Mall.
Don't get me wrong, I know that it's not just the Disney Store fucking up my life right now, it's a lot of other stuff too that's combined with it that just killed that childish innocence inside that I was so proud to have kept for so long. I haven't been truly and deeply happy with how my life has been going in what seems like a long time. I just feel a bit emotionally dead inside and nothing really gets through me anymore. Except this sense of being discontent with pretty much everything. My job, my school, my place in society, where I'm going to be in a year and a half, cash flow, pretty much all of it. And I hate feeling like this because I just feel so juvenile and prepubescent. Hormones raging and shit like that.
Maybe Monday morning will change things. Maybe not. Maybe my worst high school fears were right-- it really is all down hill from this point in your life. Maybe I'm just being moody. Maybe....
EDIT: I just took a drive to clear my mind and found some clarity in this situation. The only difference between being young and having problems and being older and having the same problems is that you're a bit more equipped in dealing with them. Not much, but you have a bit more of a frame of reference. I think my problem right now is that I don't have that project- any goal. I usually have something that I'm working towards and right now the only thing is living day to day and going to work in the morning.
I've been sleeping the days away and when I am awake I'm just biding my time until I'm back at work. I haven't been taking the me time of the day for use. I've just been doing little things here and there. Let's see if this knowledge can affect anything. If nothing else I now I have a new goal to work to. This goal is to actually do something worthwhile with my break. Maybe it can be getting back to that summer weight. Maybe it can be seeing people more because I have been a hermit (just to let you know I was about to type "midget" which I haven't been). Maybe I will be able to enjoy Christmas if I stop letting depression get to me. I used to be a lot better at dealing with my depression-- maybe now's the time I use that aforementioned frame of reference for good use.
PS-- I realized I said maybe a lot lately. There's a lot of maybes. That's kind of where I am right now. A big maybe that I'm trying to sort out.
I've been trying to relive the holiday happiness vicariously through my own memories this year rather than being able to be swept up in the jingle bells. I can't seem to find the time to enjoy the season because I've been too busy wrapped up in Disney. I've had one day off since I've been home. That day I did half my laundry and didn't fold it-- in fact it's still sitting in a pile at the foot of my bed waiting to be folded. This is what I'll be doing on Christmas-- folding laundry. Much in the same way I do at the DS.
I'm just not excited to get up in the morning and see the presents and spend a day with family-- drinking Egg Nog (which I don't think we'll have and I probably shouldn't have because I've been mad putting on the weight I lost over the summer) and opening presents. I'm not ready for it emotionally. In fact, I only really get excited about Monday because it's my first real day off in a while and I don't have to fucking go to Oakbrook Mall.
Don't get me wrong, I know that it's not just the Disney Store fucking up my life right now, it's a lot of other stuff too that's combined with it that just killed that childish innocence inside that I was so proud to have kept for so long. I haven't been truly and deeply happy with how my life has been going in what seems like a long time. I just feel a bit emotionally dead inside and nothing really gets through me anymore. Except this sense of being discontent with pretty much everything. My job, my school, my place in society, where I'm going to be in a year and a half, cash flow, pretty much all of it. And I hate feeling like this because I just feel so juvenile and prepubescent. Hormones raging and shit like that.
Maybe Monday morning will change things. Maybe not. Maybe my worst high school fears were right-- it really is all down hill from this point in your life. Maybe I'm just being moody. Maybe....
EDIT: I just took a drive to clear my mind and found some clarity in this situation. The only difference between being young and having problems and being older and having the same problems is that you're a bit more equipped in dealing with them. Not much, but you have a bit more of a frame of reference. I think my problem right now is that I don't have that project- any goal. I usually have something that I'm working towards and right now the only thing is living day to day and going to work in the morning.
I've been sleeping the days away and when I am awake I'm just biding my time until I'm back at work. I haven't been taking the me time of the day for use. I've just been doing little things here and there. Let's see if this knowledge can affect anything. If nothing else I now I have a new goal to work to. This goal is to actually do something worthwhile with my break. Maybe it can be getting back to that summer weight. Maybe it can be seeing people more because I have been a hermit (just to let you know I was about to type "midget" which I haven't been). Maybe I will be able to enjoy Christmas if I stop letting depression get to me. I used to be a lot better at dealing with my depression-- maybe now's the time I use that aforementioned frame of reference for good use.
PS-- I realized I said maybe a lot lately. There's a lot of maybes. That's kind of where I am right now. A big maybe that I'm trying to sort out.