good old reliable jessica
well things are kinda shitty right now. like really shitty. my sister is still crazy, and oddly enough i seem to be the only one who's upset about it. i've analyzed the whole situation a hundred times, maybe i'm overreacting, maybe i just can't see it from her point of view. but no. everytime it makes more sense to me to hate her. she has no excuse, she has no right. and i won't give her any forgiveness. i refuse to give in to this one. as much as i'd like my mom to be able to manipulate me into making her happy one more time i can't allow it. i have to talk to a social worker tomorrow about all of it. a fucking social worker, doesn't anyone get it. i can't fathom that my parents are just like, blowing this off like its just another exusable 'incident' that kayleigh so often pulls off like a fucking baby. i'm sick of this shit. i'm sick of trying so hard, and only be knocked over by her failures and tempertantrums. i want her gone. i never want to see her fucking scarred face again.
and my mom is extra emotional because my grandpas dying. i'm trying not to let it get to me on top of everything. i feel like i dont have the same right to be sad, i didn't really know him that well, so i'm just available to babysit while mom goes to visit. that's fine with me, just another reliable shoulder. here to support her, and comfort her, and pretend i'm not going to fall apart under all this pressure.
i'm on pins and needles waiting for the results of my proficiency to come. if i fail my entire life will be fucked. i can't believe i made my self so vulnerable to fail. i never let this happen, there's always a back up plan. not this time. this has to work. it HAS to work.
ricky fucking broke my heart on sunday night. all those things he said to me, how much i meant to him, how he felt about me, now i know they were all just things trying to get into my pants. the sad part is it worked. he doesn't care about me. and he's not even considerate enough to pretend he does, or that he ever did. he told me it was purely physical. that he meant what he said, when i asked him what it was he liked about me besides the sexual part he said, i'm outgoing independent and i have the POTENTIAL to be a good person. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF MESSED UP THING IS THAT TO SAY. even to someone that i didn't like i would NEVER tell them that. i liked him so much. so much. i opened myself up to him, i told him things i haven't told anybody, he just used me and threw me away. he showed me off like a fucking trophy to his friends too, and talked about how kinky i was right in front of me. that's all he saw. that's all he wanted and he got it. i'm so fucking stupid. i can't believe i'm letting him hurt me. FUCK. man now i want to go cry again.
then sylvia got mad at me cause of fucking paul. he imed me and told me to call him so he could explain why he wanted to apologize, so i did. he said his peace and that was it. then sylvia found out cause my mom left a message on my phone, and fucking paul's like, oh WE weren't gonna tell you. as if we'd talked about it. of course i'd tell her. he's such a fucking dick. so much for forgiving him. i hope he rots in hell. AAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!! such a fucking bad week. i just want to crawl in a dark hole and sleep forever. i don't want anything. i don't feel like anything can fix this. done done done. i think ricky finally killed me though. i could've made it if i thought someone cared for me. fuck it. i don't even hate him, i brought it on myself.
and this may sound lame but i keep running into anh in the weirdest places. for some reason seeing him outside of school makes me really upset and brings back all those old wounds. i saw him at the book store, i saw him walking home, and at the park when i was going from sylvia's house. i don't know. it's just one more reminder of a huge fucking mistake.
i need to go
and my mom is extra emotional because my grandpas dying. i'm trying not to let it get to me on top of everything. i feel like i dont have the same right to be sad, i didn't really know him that well, so i'm just available to babysit while mom goes to visit. that's fine with me, just another reliable shoulder. here to support her, and comfort her, and pretend i'm not going to fall apart under all this pressure.
i'm on pins and needles waiting for the results of my proficiency to come. if i fail my entire life will be fucked. i can't believe i made my self so vulnerable to fail. i never let this happen, there's always a back up plan. not this time. this has to work. it HAS to work.
ricky fucking broke my heart on sunday night. all those things he said to me, how much i meant to him, how he felt about me, now i know they were all just things trying to get into my pants. the sad part is it worked. he doesn't care about me. and he's not even considerate enough to pretend he does, or that he ever did. he told me it was purely physical. that he meant what he said, when i asked him what it was he liked about me besides the sexual part he said, i'm outgoing independent and i have the POTENTIAL to be a good person. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF MESSED UP THING IS THAT TO SAY. even to someone that i didn't like i would NEVER tell them that. i liked him so much. so much. i opened myself up to him, i told him things i haven't told anybody, he just used me and threw me away. he showed me off like a fucking trophy to his friends too, and talked about how kinky i was right in front of me. that's all he saw. that's all he wanted and he got it. i'm so fucking stupid. i can't believe i'm letting him hurt me. FUCK. man now i want to go cry again.
then sylvia got mad at me cause of fucking paul. he imed me and told me to call him so he could explain why he wanted to apologize, so i did. he said his peace and that was it. then sylvia found out cause my mom left a message on my phone, and fucking paul's like, oh WE weren't gonna tell you. as if we'd talked about it. of course i'd tell her. he's such a fucking dick. so much for forgiving him. i hope he rots in hell. AAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!! such a fucking bad week. i just want to crawl in a dark hole and sleep forever. i don't want anything. i don't feel like anything can fix this. done done done. i think ricky finally killed me though. i could've made it if i thought someone cared for me. fuck it. i don't even hate him, i brought it on myself.
and this may sound lame but i keep running into anh in the weirdest places. for some reason seeing him outside of school makes me really upset and brings back all those old wounds. i saw him at the book store, i saw him walking home, and at the park when i was going from sylvia's house. i don't know. it's just one more reminder of a huge fucking mistake.
i need to go