(no subject)
So, we won. It's... I don't know. I've had so much running through my mind since and...
You'd think that after a wild battle, I might have gotten some sleep the first chance I had, but... I haven't slept since Thursday night and I'm wide awake.
'Yay, we won!' is not a response you'll ever see from me. Not after something like a battle. It's not a laughing matter under any circumstances. There was a reason the first spell I sought to learn was Cure. I don't start fights. I am not a violent person by nature. Tempermental and bitchy sometimes, yes, but not violent. If I'm going to fight, it's going to be to protect myself or someone else. To help someone if need be. That was my thought process when I agreed to go to Roppongi to find Sora.
I think a lot of people just don't get it. This isn't some fun adventure. I don't think it really started out that way either. We've had to fight to stay alive. That usually means killing who or whatever is trying to kill you or someone you care to protect. At first, that only meant Heartless, which was no big deal because you can't reason with them. You have two choices: kill the Heartless or it takes you Heart. It's rather clean cut and very hard to feel guilty about.
But now, Nobodies... well now it's less clear cut because we're dealing with sentient beings. It wouldn't seem that way if you didn't know what you were dealing with. The Dusks could be mistaken for a new kind of Heartless. Most of us Refugees knew what they were already. We know they were once human (or most of them were; it would likely depend on what world they came from originally) and that brings up moral issues.
I'm rambling, I know. I'm having my own little moral crisis here. I've been able, up until now, to get by it after battling and killing lesser Nobodies because they don't look human anymore. For all I know, that Dusk was some little imp that would've murdered me in my sleep even if it had had it's Heart.
It's not so easy to brush off, though, when the opponent looks human (or, whatever; damn form changes for worlds). Why, yes, I am saying that my actions in Roppongi are bothering me. The only thing that's keeping me from being sick over it is my reason for doing it: I was trying to help someone. I sure as hell couldn't help Ryuu with Saix in the way, now could I? There wasn't time to think, only react, right then. I... even under the circumstances, the fact that I struck with the intent to kill is... not sitting well with me... even though I know he wouldn't hesitate to kill me or any other Refugees just because we're in the way.
All that being said though, I know I do care enough for others around me to do what it takes to protect them. I've a strong enough will to live to do what i need to to protect my own life. I can do it again if I need to, though I hope it doesn't come up. I know better than to trust hope, though.
Ah, life likes giving me lemons and I don't really like lemonade.
I realize I've done a lot of rambling here, but I have had a lot on my mind.
You'd think that after a wild battle, I might have gotten some sleep the first chance I had, but... I haven't slept since Thursday night and I'm wide awake.
'Yay, we won!' is not a response you'll ever see from me. Not after something like a battle. It's not a laughing matter under any circumstances. There was a reason the first spell I sought to learn was Cure. I don't start fights. I am not a violent person by nature. Tempermental and bitchy sometimes, yes, but not violent. If I'm going to fight, it's going to be to protect myself or someone else. To help someone if need be. That was my thought process when I agreed to go to Roppongi to find Sora.
I think a lot of people just don't get it. This isn't some fun adventure. I don't think it really started out that way either. We've had to fight to stay alive. That usually means killing who or whatever is trying to kill you or someone you care to protect. At first, that only meant Heartless, which was no big deal because you can't reason with them. You have two choices: kill the Heartless or it takes you Heart. It's rather clean cut and very hard to feel guilty about.
But now, Nobodies... well now it's less clear cut because we're dealing with sentient beings. It wouldn't seem that way if you didn't know what you were dealing with. The Dusks could be mistaken for a new kind of Heartless. Most of us Refugees knew what they were already. We know they were once human (or most of them were; it would likely depend on what world they came from originally) and that brings up moral issues.
I'm rambling, I know. I'm having my own little moral crisis here. I've been able, up until now, to get by it after battling and killing lesser Nobodies because they don't look human anymore. For all I know, that Dusk was some little imp that would've murdered me in my sleep even if it had had it's Heart.
It's not so easy to brush off, though, when the opponent looks human (or, whatever; damn form changes for worlds). Why, yes, I am saying that my actions in Roppongi are bothering me. The only thing that's keeping me from being sick over it is my reason for doing it: I was trying to help someone. I sure as hell couldn't help Ryuu with Saix in the way, now could I? There wasn't time to think, only react, right then. I... even under the circumstances, the fact that I struck with the intent to kill is... not sitting well with me... even though I know he wouldn't hesitate to kill me or any other Refugees just because we're in the way.
All that being said though, I know I do care enough for others around me to do what it takes to protect them. I've a strong enough will to live to do what i need to to protect my own life. I can do it again if I need to, though I hope it doesn't come up. I know better than to trust hope, though.
Ah, life likes giving me lemons and I don't really like lemonade.
I realize I've done a lot of rambling here, but I have had a lot on my mind.