I must be crazy
I am once again without a job. I quit. Though I think this is one of the most satisfying times I ever left a job.
I was contracted to work for 3 months on a catalog for the 2007 season. I did my job, everyone loved me. They wanted me to stay on and I wanted a job I could settle into for a few years. However, the bosses never got around to dealing with my pay/benefits/other concerns. I sent them three emails. They always said later. In the meantime, they began to gave me work that I hated. None of this was covered by my original contract, and really I was being underpaid at this point. The commute was also killing me, leaving me with a 'why am I getting out of bed to go to this bastardy job?' feeling.
I also watched as a number of other people were treated rather miserably. And then the boss made a huge stink about one of the websites they advertise on carrying a rather discreet advertisment for the march of dimes near the company ads. I was plagued by memories of Dante's Inferno:
He led me in among the secret things.
There sighs, complaints, and ululations loud
Resounded through the air without a star,
Whence I, at the beginning, wept thereat.
Languages diverse, horrible dialects,
Accents of anger, words of agony,
And voices high and hoarse, with sound of hands,
Made up a tumult that goes whirling on
For ever in that air for ever black,
Even as the sand doth, when the whirlwind breathes.
And I, who had my head with horror bound,
Said: "Master, what is this which now I hear?
What folk is this, which seems by pain so vanquished?"
And he to me: "This miserable mode
Maintain the melancholy souls of those
Who lived withouten infamy or praise.
Commingled are they with that caitiff choir
Of Angels, who have not rebellious been,
Nor faithful were to God, but were for self.
The heavens expelled them, not to be less fair;
Nor them the nethermore abyss receives,
For glory none the damned would have from them."
And I: "O Master, what so grievous is
To these, that maketh them lament so sore?"
He answered: "I will tell thee very briefly.
These have no longer any hope of death;
And this blind life of theirs is so debased,
They envious are of every other fate.
No fame of them the world permits to be;
Misericord and Justice both disdain them.
Let us not speak of them, but look, and pass."
And I, who looked again, beheld a banner,
Which, whirling round, ran on so rapidly,
That of all pause it seemed to me indignant;
And after it there came so long a train
Of people, that I ne'er would have believed
That ever Death so many had undone.
When some among them I had recognised,
I looked, and I beheld the shade of him
Who made through cowardice the great refusal.
Forthwith I comprehended, and was certain,
That this the sect was of the caitiff wretches
Hateful to God and to his enemies.
These miscreants, who never were alive,
Were naked, and were stung exceedingly
By gadflies and by hornets that were there.
These did their faces irrigate with blood,
Which, with their tears commingled, at their feet
By the disgusting worms was gathered up.
And when to gazing farther I betook me.
Canto III
Basically, by doing nothing and simply going with the flow of life I was letting myself be damned by tacitly supporting other people's cruel actions. And in doing nothing I was sitting by and watching everything pass.
So I quit. It was rather satisfying that the day I quit I had the vice president of a multi-million dollar company begging me to stay. Twice. Promising me anything. Twice. I was definitely not charging them enough. Of course, the entire excutive staff praised me as a genius because I figured out that one of the general industry databases is alphabetized. This took me about 2 minutes. they've been in the business over 20 years. Clearly, they were not smarter than a fifth grader. First grade might have been too taxing.
I did give all the relevant paperwork to the various people associated with the projects I was working on, rather than making my work disappear. But boy, was that tempting.
I was trying to look for a job while maintaining the bastard job, but that wasn't working very well. I was too tired and lacked the energy for a real search when I came home. So long as I had the secure pay check getting me to move wasn't working.
Now I don't have any distractions, I'm highly motivated, I have the time, I have my license, and I have the sense that I need to go after what I want. I'm worth it.
To add to my potential insanity, I did the whole resume/interview/job spiel with a guy who runs a business buying and selling classic cars. I got a call back from him today. I'm in his top three candidates. I think he would have hired me, but I turned him down. I want more hours than he'll have to give in the next year (bills to pay, ect). He originally said he was looking for someone to handle more hours, but apparently he's not as sure of himself as he'd like to be on that point. I could have taken this job, worked 10-20 hours and job searched for a whole year as well as had lots of private quality time.
But in the end it would have been a lie, I would have left after all the effort he put in to training me, and I would not be as happy with that job in the end because its not in my career track. But still, it would be the safe option that would sustain me. He asked if he could call me for research side jobs. Research historic cars and their present owners as a random freelance when i need cash? Now that does rock in a part time kind of way, but no security for me.
Clearly, I've gone crazy. I don't think I'm back in manipulative bitch mode exactly. I stopped being depressed last year when I was unemployed. Suddenly, it just didn't bother me. My self confidence is fragile but it seems to be on a big upswing.
I'm not sure whether to be pleased about the return of my self confidence (though i am pleased, over-thinking be damned) or a little bit worried. All the pressures and demands that gave me low self confidence also kept me restrained. I've always had a rebellious/mischievous streak. I've often thought that in a way I was lucky that I wasn't beautiful (now don't try to cheer me up about my looks, I mean beautiful in that I leave a trail of dropped jaws behind me). If I were beautiful, with my brains and manipulation skills I would never have faced the trials and rejections I have and I would have been a scheming, powerful, amoral bitch. Also completely unpredictable because I could then get away with murder and not feel sorry about it. Now I'm sitting here feeling powerful and part of me wants to go to town doing outrageous things and another part of me thinks I'm in big big trouble because I may have made the biggest mistake of my life in not sticking with the guaranteed road to a stable life.
But God, does it feel good to say 'I'm worth more than this.'