why men? why now?
I've been giving a lot of thought to why it seems that so many lesbians start opening themselves up to the possibility of exploring a relationship with a man when they hit their late thirties or early forties, and I wonder to what extent there could be biology involved (as much as I hate to admit it, wanting to believe myself free of its impulses).
Perhaps it's that at this age our bodies become aware, if we have not already had children, that the window of opportunity for doing so is about to fade and the dreaded "biological clock" starts ticking more loudly and insistently. And yet, I am 110% certain that I don't want to get pregnant or give birth to a child, but that certainty exists in my head, which has perhaps not communicated it quite clearly to my body. I wonder to what extent the body begins to crave sexual interaction with a man as a way to satisfy these primal urges, while the brain is left to make sense of the urges in more enlightened terms.
Unless we genuinely do feel the urge to procreate and can therefore respond to those desires as appropriate (by coupling with a man for that purpose or going the turkey baster route), women in this situation are left wondering if we are lesbians who are simply exploring relationships with men, or if we are becoming bisexual, or if perhaps we were bisexual all along. At least these are the questions I'm asking. And if I was bisexual all along, is that why I had such a hard time finding acceptance among lesbians, feeling that I always had to prove myself to truly be one of them? How did they know this about me before I did?
I do have another theory, which I hinted at in a previous post, that perhaps many women choose lesbianism as a way to escape the pressures of marriage and family that are particularly strong when we're in our twenties and everyone keeps pestering us to find out when we'll "settle down." Obviously two lesbians can settle down and create a family with almost the same ease as a straight couple, but it's not as much of an expectation and, even ten years ago, it wasn't as common as it is now. Whether this plays a factor in the lives of other women who've gone down a similar path to mine I don't know, but I do think it's relevant to my own story.
Had I been a little bolder, a little edgier and a little more self confident, I might simply have come out as "queer" and "pansexual" and said to hell with conventional roles and relationships. And then I might've enjoyed having sexual and emotional connections with both men and women while staying firmly outside the bounds of traditional marriage and family. But I don't honestly think I could've had healthy relationships with men during that period in my life, and I needed to spend time identified as a lesbian to work my way back to a healthy appreciation of sexuality and take charge of my own desires. There are so many things about myself I would not have learned any other way that I don't regret a minute of it.
There is also the possibility that the kind of men I have access to now would not have been available to me when I was younger, in which case I would've effectively remained a lesbian even if I had acknowledged an attraction to men, given that there wouldn't have been opportunities to meet the kind of men I would want to connect with. But I seem to have ample opportunity now and am enjoying every minute of it.
Perhaps it's that at this age our bodies become aware, if we have not already had children, that the window of opportunity for doing so is about to fade and the dreaded "biological clock" starts ticking more loudly and insistently. And yet, I am 110% certain that I don't want to get pregnant or give birth to a child, but that certainty exists in my head, which has perhaps not communicated it quite clearly to my body. I wonder to what extent the body begins to crave sexual interaction with a man as a way to satisfy these primal urges, while the brain is left to make sense of the urges in more enlightened terms.
Unless we genuinely do feel the urge to procreate and can therefore respond to those desires as appropriate (by coupling with a man for that purpose or going the turkey baster route), women in this situation are left wondering if we are lesbians who are simply exploring relationships with men, or if we are becoming bisexual, or if perhaps we were bisexual all along. At least these are the questions I'm asking. And if I was bisexual all along, is that why I had such a hard time finding acceptance among lesbians, feeling that I always had to prove myself to truly be one of them? How did they know this about me before I did?
I do have another theory, which I hinted at in a previous post, that perhaps many women choose lesbianism as a way to escape the pressures of marriage and family that are particularly strong when we're in our twenties and everyone keeps pestering us to find out when we'll "settle down." Obviously two lesbians can settle down and create a family with almost the same ease as a straight couple, but it's not as much of an expectation and, even ten years ago, it wasn't as common as it is now. Whether this plays a factor in the lives of other women who've gone down a similar path to mine I don't know, but I do think it's relevant to my own story.
Had I been a little bolder, a little edgier and a little more self confident, I might simply have come out as "queer" and "pansexual" and said to hell with conventional roles and relationships. And then I might've enjoyed having sexual and emotional connections with both men and women while staying firmly outside the bounds of traditional marriage and family. But I don't honestly think I could've had healthy relationships with men during that period in my life, and I needed to spend time identified as a lesbian to work my way back to a healthy appreciation of sexuality and take charge of my own desires. There are so many things about myself I would not have learned any other way that I don't regret a minute of it.
There is also the possibility that the kind of men I have access to now would not have been available to me when I was younger, in which case I would've effectively remained a lesbian even if I had acknowledged an attraction to men, given that there wouldn't have been opportunities to meet the kind of men I would want to connect with. But I seem to have ample opportunity now and am enjoying every minute of it.