Whispers in the dark
"Ah, but you are alone. Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seems to shrink, the walls of your bower closing in about you, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in? So fair, yet so cold like a morning of pale Spring still clinging to Winter."
Every feel like that? I do. Frequently. Especially lately. I keep telling myself I'm not depressed. Heavens know I have no reason to be. I have the love of a wonderful man, who is far more gentle and patient with me than he should be, and the friendship of another wonderful man, and a host of great people that care about me. I have an amazing job. But I find myself so discouraged. I lay awake at night and feel like all my world is shrinking around me, caging me. In the darkness all my fears seem to come to life, living and breathing and whispering of the sorrows my future must surely hold. Can someone be destined to know nothing but sorrow? I can't believe that. Yet I seem to have been sad all my life. Or maybe melancholy. Like my soul remembered sadness from former lives. A romantic concept to be sure. Realistic? Probably not. But lately it's been different. I've felt crippled, trapped, stymied. I've buried myself in books and hobbies, and just barely tried to stay afloat in the real lands. I go into work every day but I do not work even half as hard as I could. And I feel beset by constant setbacks, that continue to discourage me. I pay my bills late. My apartment is a mess. What in gods name is wrong with me?
I wonder about this a lot. I really do have a lot going for me, but in some ways I feel trapped between worlds. The past and the future really. I don’t let go of the past easily. I cling to old things with all of my crab-like tenacity. It's so hard to let go of things you invested so much faith in, to let go of the pondering, and the wondering ... if I'd done something different could I have made it work? That makes me sad. Especially since past failues, if not properly understood, can return to haunt in the future. I hate the thought of failure of any sort. I want to be perfect for, and brighten the lives of everyone I meet. But sometimes things just don't work out. And so they didn't work out with my last love. Makes it hard because he's still one of the best people I know. For some reason things just didn't work out. Now if I could just let go of all the feelings of failure, I think things would be easier. But I'm afriad of making the same mistakes again and driving away the dear man the holds my heart currently.
The future however also presents some unique challenges. Unless destiny moves to stop it, I expect to move to LA in June. That's a huge change for me. Right now I'm living here and working here, knowing that my time here is limited. Things are stressful at work, and I feel like I am fighting battles in a war that isn't my own. And there is the future, looming dark and unknown. I'm going to have to find a job and a place to live in a city I've never been to before. I'll be close to the man I love, but I'm still so scared. Scared of the change, and scared of making the same mistakes and seeing another relationship fall apart because I just wasn't strong enough to hold it together. Adapting to change isn't one of my strong suites. Stability, is something I value greatly, and sudden and life altering changes tend to rip at the fabric of life's stability.
So I'm afraid about the future, saddened by the past, and trapped in a place of limbo. Are those ample reasons to account for this choking, life stymieing discouragement I seem to be facing? Hmm :) Maybe. Maybe I'm also just a little melancholy crab, bemoaning the loss of past and stability. Some days being a cancer makes life tricky.
Every feel like that? I do. Frequently. Especially lately. I keep telling myself I'm not depressed. Heavens know I have no reason to be. I have the love of a wonderful man, who is far more gentle and patient with me than he should be, and the friendship of another wonderful man, and a host of great people that care about me. I have an amazing job. But I find myself so discouraged. I lay awake at night and feel like all my world is shrinking around me, caging me. In the darkness all my fears seem to come to life, living and breathing and whispering of the sorrows my future must surely hold. Can someone be destined to know nothing but sorrow? I can't believe that. Yet I seem to have been sad all my life. Or maybe melancholy. Like my soul remembered sadness from former lives. A romantic concept to be sure. Realistic? Probably not. But lately it's been different. I've felt crippled, trapped, stymied. I've buried myself in books and hobbies, and just barely tried to stay afloat in the real lands. I go into work every day but I do not work even half as hard as I could. And I feel beset by constant setbacks, that continue to discourage me. I pay my bills late. My apartment is a mess. What in gods name is wrong with me?
I wonder about this a lot. I really do have a lot going for me, but in some ways I feel trapped between worlds. The past and the future really. I don’t let go of the past easily. I cling to old things with all of my crab-like tenacity. It's so hard to let go of things you invested so much faith in, to let go of the pondering, and the wondering ... if I'd done something different could I have made it work? That makes me sad. Especially since past failues, if not properly understood, can return to haunt in the future. I hate the thought of failure of any sort. I want to be perfect for, and brighten the lives of everyone I meet. But sometimes things just don't work out. And so they didn't work out with my last love. Makes it hard because he's still one of the best people I know. For some reason things just didn't work out. Now if I could just let go of all the feelings of failure, I think things would be easier. But I'm afriad of making the same mistakes again and driving away the dear man the holds my heart currently.
The future however also presents some unique challenges. Unless destiny moves to stop it, I expect to move to LA in June. That's a huge change for me. Right now I'm living here and working here, knowing that my time here is limited. Things are stressful at work, and I feel like I am fighting battles in a war that isn't my own. And there is the future, looming dark and unknown. I'm going to have to find a job and a place to live in a city I've never been to before. I'll be close to the man I love, but I'm still so scared. Scared of the change, and scared of making the same mistakes and seeing another relationship fall apart because I just wasn't strong enough to hold it together. Adapting to change isn't one of my strong suites. Stability, is something I value greatly, and sudden and life altering changes tend to rip at the fabric of life's stability.
So I'm afraid about the future, saddened by the past, and trapped in a place of limbo. Are those ample reasons to account for this choking, life stymieing discouragement I seem to be facing? Hmm :) Maybe. Maybe I'm also just a little melancholy crab, bemoaning the loss of past and stability. Some days being a cancer makes life tricky.