Seeking Some Assurance?
By now, we've talked. You know some of how I'm feeling right now. The situation and emotions are entwined. Complicated they are, indeed. Complexity surrounds this situation unlike anything I've experienced in years (not with you, but in other situations in general). Fragile our relationship is now becoming; something I've feared for quite some time now.
You're a sweet, pure, innocent individual. I so admire and respect you for that. Even child-like as you sometimes are, I know you're just wanting to overcome so much hurt and find new direction in what it is you finally want to do and experience in life. I know your heart, your weaknesses, your fears, and yes, even your vulnerabilities. And through it all, I feel so compassionate and protective of you and your feelings.
Now and then, I feel I should guide and nurture you through the obstacles that sometimes make life difficult or even complicated for you. I know independence isn't something you're acquainted with as well as you'd like to be, and I feel like helping and encouraging you during these times. Other times, I resent you as if I shouldn't be the one having to show you the ropes; as if you should have known all of this by now, or have the proper person in your life who should be showing you all these things. I know my own weaknesses and vulnerabilities as well--I can't say no easily; I can't back away from something that I know is taking too much time and energy away from myself. This has been a problem for sometime and you're not the first. You know that, too.
Through all this reasoning nonetheless, I feel a great deal of guilt. I feel guilty for feeling as I do. I feel guilty when I'm not there, or I say no, or I even make a suggestion for another time. I feel deep inside as if I have to run, drop everything, and never make you wait. If I don't do any of those things, I think to myself, "How dare you?" Then, when rationalization kicks back in, that guilt turns into resentment. I backup and want to ask you, "How dare YOU?" I don't want to resent you. I don't like feeling this way; in general I don't, but even more so about you. Mentioning this now makes me feel guilty all over again. I can't help this unhealthy self-destructive pattern. Perhaps you could agree it is a relationship-destructive behavior too, but it's something I've done for years. You know that, as well.
* * *
I love you. I love you from the bottom of my heart and I hope you honestly know that. I have for all these years and I am trying to believe you love me too. Just because you say you do, I still doubt it on occassion. Just bare with me, but I'm pouring out the truth right now. I hate that I'm putting these words out there. I feel like I'm betraying you for some ungodly reason. I don't want us to change and I don't want to hurt you either. My love for you is strong and ever getting stronger. My need for our relationship to stay in tact is ever growing. And my admiration for your heart and strengths is unshakable.
I think a great deal about the roads and journeys you've struggled with throughout your life. My heart wants to take you and caress you, and tell you that everything is going to be ok. You're heart is so sweet and genuine, that I strongly feel some of the worst injustices in relationships have been placed on one of the most innocent and purest of souls. It angers me. It hurts me. And it makes me want to make things so much better and enjoyable for you. I want to hold you, take the pain away, and give you some of the joy and experiences you've missed out on; especially the ones that should have been enjoyable but were ruined by individuals who didn't do right by you. To me, that's the hardest and most hurtful thing you've lost; even if you've never had it, it was still taken from you.
This question of whether or not I'm falling in love is still unanswerable. I've thought about saying those words to you months ago (even though I was then, and still am now, puzzled by this). But the physical desires and longingness to act on them of lately are just that--lately. I've always believed you to be attractive and a person of great beauty both inside and out, just as I would anyone I saw and met on the street with the same or similar respects as yours. You have so much more beauty and charm than you give yourself credit for.
However, I'm torn between a great deal of emotions and realizations. Just as I've been torn between guilt and resentment in helping you, I'm torn in this situation as well. Between my desires to have you enjoy something I feel you haven't experienced as you deserve and the lack of trust I have for you.
First, you know I only want to show you something great and wonderful that I feel you've missed out on. This isn't uncomfortable for me (although it would be with anyone else), and I don't ever want you to feel that it is for you either. I hear what you feel right now, and understand where you're coming from. But honestly that makes me want to give and show you even more; as if my doing so will release these fears and uncertainties you have and allow you to experience physical love the way it was meant to be experienced.
And second, yes, I have trust issues within our relationship. I have trust issues when it comes to you. That shouldn't be a surprise. There have been times I've needed you, your company, and even just your voice; but you weren't there. You have a pattern of letting me down, although I do commend your most recent attempt and success a couple of weeks ago (thank you). That's what I needed--you to just be there. Recently you've told me your feelings in regard to how going further would only make you see our relationship in a more complicated and advanced level (the highest level a relationship can come to). Just to set the record clear, I can't trust you at that level. I can't commit to something or someone that I believe will only hurt me deeper than they already have. I'm hoping that you can understand that. Maybe in time, my trust issues with you will improve, but that's where I'm at now.
With all of that being said, yes, I still want to give and show you a whole new experience just the same. And for the same reasons. That hasn't changed; honestly it's grown ever-so-slightly gradually. However, I don't want you to feel as though I would be using you, only to move on to someone better suited for me. No matter what, I strongly believe with all my heart that you're suited for me as my best friend, confidante, and close buddy-companion to have some of the best times with, just as we always have. And taking it further with you would only be an experience, a gift from me to you, that I hope you would feel comfortable and relaxed enough to enjoy. (And yes, I'm open to this experience more than once as I'm fully aware that it only gets better and more enjoyable the more one explores and knows the other person's body.) I don't want you to feel uncomfortable by any means; but I want to reassure you with no doubt that this is something I am longing to give you.
Again, I want to give you one of the most precious and beautiful gifts anyone can give another person; not exploit you. Never do I want to leave you with feelings of being used nor betrayed. I want you to feel tenderness from someone else's hand as it was meant to be felt. I want you to feel your pain and sadness melt away. I want you to see and understand the beauty within yourself and your own body. I want you to experience a reversal of all the injustice done to you. I want you to feel empowerment and the confidence you have so desired much of your life. All I want is for you to feel love for how love genuinely feels. This I can promise you--all of what I say here is straight from my heart as I truly love you.
You're a sweet, pure, innocent individual. I so admire and respect you for that. Even child-like as you sometimes are, I know you're just wanting to overcome so much hurt and find new direction in what it is you finally want to do and experience in life. I know your heart, your weaknesses, your fears, and yes, even your vulnerabilities. And through it all, I feel so compassionate and protective of you and your feelings.
Now and then, I feel I should guide and nurture you through the obstacles that sometimes make life difficult or even complicated for you. I know independence isn't something you're acquainted with as well as you'd like to be, and I feel like helping and encouraging you during these times. Other times, I resent you as if I shouldn't be the one having to show you the ropes; as if you should have known all of this by now, or have the proper person in your life who should be showing you all these things. I know my own weaknesses and vulnerabilities as well--I can't say no easily; I can't back away from something that I know is taking too much time and energy away from myself. This has been a problem for sometime and you're not the first. You know that, too.
Through all this reasoning nonetheless, I feel a great deal of guilt. I feel guilty for feeling as I do. I feel guilty when I'm not there, or I say no, or I even make a suggestion for another time. I feel deep inside as if I have to run, drop everything, and never make you wait. If I don't do any of those things, I think to myself, "How dare you?" Then, when rationalization kicks back in, that guilt turns into resentment. I backup and want to ask you, "How dare YOU?" I don't want to resent you. I don't like feeling this way; in general I don't, but even more so about you. Mentioning this now makes me feel guilty all over again. I can't help this unhealthy self-destructive pattern. Perhaps you could agree it is a relationship-destructive behavior too, but it's something I've done for years. You know that, as well.
* * *
I love you. I love you from the bottom of my heart and I hope you honestly know that. I have for all these years and I am trying to believe you love me too. Just because you say you do, I still doubt it on occassion. Just bare with me, but I'm pouring out the truth right now. I hate that I'm putting these words out there. I feel like I'm betraying you for some ungodly reason. I don't want us to change and I don't want to hurt you either. My love for you is strong and ever getting stronger. My need for our relationship to stay in tact is ever growing. And my admiration for your heart and strengths is unshakable.
I think a great deal about the roads and journeys you've struggled with throughout your life. My heart wants to take you and caress you, and tell you that everything is going to be ok. You're heart is so sweet and genuine, that I strongly feel some of the worst injustices in relationships have been placed on one of the most innocent and purest of souls. It angers me. It hurts me. And it makes me want to make things so much better and enjoyable for you. I want to hold you, take the pain away, and give you some of the joy and experiences you've missed out on; especially the ones that should have been enjoyable but were ruined by individuals who didn't do right by you. To me, that's the hardest and most hurtful thing you've lost; even if you've never had it, it was still taken from you.
This question of whether or not I'm falling in love is still unanswerable. I've thought about saying those words to you months ago (even though I was then, and still am now, puzzled by this). But the physical desires and longingness to act on them of lately are just that--lately. I've always believed you to be attractive and a person of great beauty both inside and out, just as I would anyone I saw and met on the street with the same or similar respects as yours. You have so much more beauty and charm than you give yourself credit for.
However, I'm torn between a great deal of emotions and realizations. Just as I've been torn between guilt and resentment in helping you, I'm torn in this situation as well. Between my desires to have you enjoy something I feel you haven't experienced as you deserve and the lack of trust I have for you.
First, you know I only want to show you something great and wonderful that I feel you've missed out on. This isn't uncomfortable for me (although it would be with anyone else), and I don't ever want you to feel that it is for you either. I hear what you feel right now, and understand where you're coming from. But honestly that makes me want to give and show you even more; as if my doing so will release these fears and uncertainties you have and allow you to experience physical love the way it was meant to be experienced.
And second, yes, I have trust issues within our relationship. I have trust issues when it comes to you. That shouldn't be a surprise. There have been times I've needed you, your company, and even just your voice; but you weren't there. You have a pattern of letting me down, although I do commend your most recent attempt and success a couple of weeks ago (thank you). That's what I needed--you to just be there. Recently you've told me your feelings in regard to how going further would only make you see our relationship in a more complicated and advanced level (the highest level a relationship can come to). Just to set the record clear, I can't trust you at that level. I can't commit to something or someone that I believe will only hurt me deeper than they already have. I'm hoping that you can understand that. Maybe in time, my trust issues with you will improve, but that's where I'm at now.
With all of that being said, yes, I still want to give and show you a whole new experience just the same. And for the same reasons. That hasn't changed; honestly it's grown ever-so-slightly gradually. However, I don't want you to feel as though I would be using you, only to move on to someone better suited for me. No matter what, I strongly believe with all my heart that you're suited for me as my best friend, confidante, and close buddy-companion to have some of the best times with, just as we always have. And taking it further with you would only be an experience, a gift from me to you, that I hope you would feel comfortable and relaxed enough to enjoy. (And yes, I'm open to this experience more than once as I'm fully aware that it only gets better and more enjoyable the more one explores and knows the other person's body.) I don't want you to feel uncomfortable by any means; but I want to reassure you with no doubt that this is something I am longing to give you.
Again, I want to give you one of the most precious and beautiful gifts anyone can give another person; not exploit you. Never do I want to leave you with feelings of being used nor betrayed. I want you to feel tenderness from someone else's hand as it was meant to be felt. I want you to feel your pain and sadness melt away. I want you to see and understand the beauty within yourself and your own body. I want you to experience a reversal of all the injustice done to you. I want you to feel empowerment and the confidence you have so desired much of your life. All I want is for you to feel love for how love genuinely feels. This I can promise you--all of what I say here is straight from my heart as I truly love you.