Chapter 2
Because LJ is a pain in the ass.
Chapter 2
"ugh, What time is it?" I ask. I'm staring at the ceiling still. "Hello, anyone there?" I slowly get up to look around and realize no one is in the room with me, then i notice I'm not in my room. I look down at my arms and they are covered with cuts and bruises. Self-Inflicted. I knew i shouldn't have visited Dryad in my state. I knew i should have stayed away from this side of town, i think to myself, but then i realize, I'm not in Dryad's house.
"Where am i?", I say out loud softly, but there is no one there to answer me, so i feel foolish.
The walls are white, antiseptic. the floor is the same clean and sterile, the windows weaved through with safety wire and inlaid as to not create sharp edges. the way the light shines in lets me know it's mid-day already.
I climb out of the bed I'm in and realize I'm more covered in blood then i thought i was, I'm soaked from head to toe and covered in cuts and bruises, It hurts to move much, so i lift up my hospital gown. Hospital gown? Where am i?
There are gashes on my chest where my ribs touch my skin, and slices on my thighs and abdomen. I call out again, still no answer. god i feel weak I think as i fall towards the ground. I pick myself back up and walk unsteadily towards the door. I look out the big window and see the hallway is empty. I walk back to sit on the bed. That's when i notice it. I'm in the hospital, and not the good kind either. i inspect the cuts again, "these are old. these are a day old... what happened to me!" I speak softly to myself again.
The door opens, not the same sigh as the flat, but a gentle whooshing noise, antiseptic and sterile sounding just like the rest of the room. The nurse walks in with a bowl of water and a sponge on a trolly. She pauses to look at the clipboard that i seemed to have over looked. "Samantha, " she pauses as she reads "hon, we need to clean up your cuts, if you would take off your gown." she says as she walks towards the far end of the room where the bed and nightstand sit. I slowly look up at her face. I feel the panic start to rise.
"sure," I say, i hear my voice waver, as i lift my gown sorely over my head and hand it to her. "What am i doing here?" I ask, i sound weak.
"You don't know dear? Why just look at your arms and abdomen, you went wild it looks like, but to tell you the truth i don't quite know about what went on myself. However after you're done bathing and i bandage you up you have a meeting with your new doctors." she said.
I believe her because i am to confused to do otherwise. I have no inkling of what went on between last night and today, or has it been longer then that? Can't be much longer, or so i hope. I ask the date.
"Today is the 14th." Good yesterday was Friday the 13th so it's only been one day. That means i won't be here for long. Hopefully. There is a metallic, bitter taste in my mouth so I ask about it.
"Oh that's just the medication that they had to inject to calm you down. don't worry it goes away, same as with the disorientation. you lost a lot of blood for someone so small!" she exclaims... I let her get on with her job.
The Nurse finishes with my bath and fresh bandages and i ask her her name, Michelle. That's her name, so i figure me and Michelle will be talking a lot. And i sit and wait for my next appointment. and i wonder to myself, What is happening to me? I mean where am i exactly and where are my clothes, will i get to see my friends and do they know where i am? I get frustrated and lay flat on the bed exasperated. I feel the panic start to rise and the mania start to set in. I feel like my nerves are on fire. i stare at the ceiling again. The connect the dots of the unniverse and i count the patterns i see there to pass the time. I didn't hear it when Michelle left, and I don't remember if she said anything to me, It feels so vague. I must have passed out as i stared at the ceiling and when i came to i just stared some more.
"Hi, Samantha." A voice from the door... a familiar voice, i didn't even hear the door open though, so i look over, and there is Kim. I hadn't spoken to her for weeks. I didn't know she would still care. But there she was pretty as ever and i begin to shake, to laugh, then to sob.
"Oh Sammy please don't cry, I'm so sorry for what has been going on but it's been a rough time." She explains, "and when Dryad called me last night telling me about your lapse, i knew i needed to come see you." Dryad that little weasel. She knew something was up, i needed to talk to her ASAP.
"So, " I sob out trying to choke it back and madly start to wipe at my eyes while sitting up in the hospital bed, "Where am i, how did i get here, do you know?" I can't stop shaking, i must look so frail, i hate it when I'm like this. so emotional. i try to close it off. Emotion is weakness.
"Well, apparently at dryad's last night hon you. . ." She pauses for a moment looking for the right word, ". . .Changed. she said one moment you two were sharing a heart to heart and the next you were someone else, completely changed, and you got up and locked yourself in her bathroom. She blamed herself for leaving the razor unprotected where you could get a hold of it you know, but i comforted her and told her it was ok, it wasn't her fault it could have happened anywhere. and I'm glad it happened there. She told me Mei was riding with you to the ER, and then they brought you up here to Fairshaw Mental Institute when you had calmed down for further observation. When they told Mei that she phoned Rae to get her to go to the flat to pick up your stuff for you. I had to brute my way past the doctors to be able to visit you, they said you were still in isolation this morning, and said it would be hard to do because you ripped up your bandages and picked the scabs open. if you hadn't of switched back they would have had to sedate and restrain you, but you switched back about 10 am they said and went to sleep. and here i am." She walked a little further into the room as she said it.
Amazed that she would see me i just kind of sat there awe-struck, and i got this pang in my chest and knew my heart was acting up again. i cringe and she knows what's happening and helps me sit straight and breath. I tell her I'll be fine, I will get through this and help the doctors out with my diagnosis, all the bullshit i always fed her when i had a lapse. i never had one this bad before but i have had lapses in the past. Normally it's just me hearing voices or doing drugs or even just getting depressed. but apparently this is THE lapse of all time. I can't deal, so i ask her to leave. She gets up, sobbing herself, and leaves the room. the door with it's clean whoosh closes behind her.
And I'm alone.
I stay in the bed for hours sobbing, hoping that no one will come and see this pathetic display. I can only hope. My life is a mess, I think to myself, What is happening to me? I start to doze off a couple of times, but for the most part my breath is just a metronome, ticking away counting down the minutes as I stare at nothing. on and off i sob or laugh, in hopes that everything will turn out ok. I start to get ill, i don't know how much time has passed. the windows are still bright so maybe not that long?
That whooshing sound again. Someone is in the room, so i turn over to see who it is.
"Hi Samantha, I'll be your Physician during your stay here. My name is doctor Provose." She says. They must know all of my history because it's not a man. Or maybe I'm reading into things too much. "I just need to run some tests on you, check your weight, your height and heart rate. also i need to do some blood work, I see you're not afraid of needles." I look down at my arms then nod. I guess there's no need to tell her it wasn't me who did this to myself and that i am afraid of needles. Some things just get lost in the translation though, she wouldn't understand. They never do.
"how much blood do you need to take?" My voice still a bit shaky as i ask her the question. I have to get the panic under control, after all they are here to help me.
"Just one tube full, it's about a hundred milligrams." she says as she prepares the needle, she goes to insert it and i wince. I guess i just can't hide my fear of needles from her now. I guess it's for the best.
"oh, you are afraid of needles, well, tell you a little trick," she says as softly, Motherly, as she can. "Just close your eyes, and i promise it's going to only pinch a bit then you won't feel it."
I nod at her and do as she says, I close my eyes, i feel the pinch in my left arm and then just as she promised, i feel nothing as she pulls the blood from my veins. I open my eyes, she's still drawing so i just sit and watch. When it's over she pulls out the needle, and puts a bit of cotton over the wound and tells me to bend my arm to apply pressure. so i do as I'm asked. She gets up and walks to where she placed her bag. she gets out her stethoscope and checks the normal things, my heart rate, my breathing, what you normally have done when you go to the doctor. Only she was doing this for medication purposes.
"OK, now come with me so we can Weigh you, then we will introduce you to your psychiatrist and your therapists. You'll see me once a week, your psychiatrist twice a week, and your therapists every day. Right this way." She points to a side hallway just across from my door. I walk towards the hall slowly, hesitating just slightly, afraid of what i might find. I'm not really that much of a people person when I'm in this sort of mood. But there was nobody there, so i walked along beside her down the hall.
We get to the examination room and theres very limited decorations... A simple picture on the wall and some small potted plants on the desk. not much to look at, but still feels more like home then the previous room. "this way." she says as she escorts me to the back room to the scale. It's one of those big scales where you can't see the weight. They normally use those for girls with eating disorders, That way you can't tell how heavy you are so you don't get upset when you're in treatment. That's just the way things work here after all, this is not just a mental institution. I step on the cold scale barefooted, I forgot my slippers. She reads my weight, writes it on her clipboard, and asks me to step off. She looks disapproving. I must not meet minimum weight.
"Ok, and what do you normally eat Sam?"
"Nothing unusual just the normal stuff, Junk food, fast food, beef, cheese, bread, veggies... the normal stuff. sometimes i don't have time for breakfast, but what does this have to do with what you're checking for?” I sound baffled i know it. I see just for a brief second the chart as she sits it down on the table and starts to cover it. I'm ninety nine pounds. I have gained weight, but she doesn't know that. It probably says in my medical records all the history she needs to figure out that i was once anorexic. she probably imagines that i still am. I'm shaking, it's cold in the office, or maybe I'm nervous. I still haven't shaken the panic. It grips at my lungs while i stand by the scale.
"well we'll mark it down in your records."
"ok" i sound so weak, feeble.
"Ok Sammy the only thing left is to check how tall you are, right over here please." she escorts me to the front of the room near the door where there is a tape on the wall denoting height. I'm 5'6", I've been that tall for years. i always wanted to be taller though. always. I'm starting to get tired and i fall. I bump my head on the way down and there is a stinging sensation followed by little flashes. but i don't black out.
"Are you ok Sammy?" she can see that I'm not yet she asks, it's human nature after all. ask the obvious.
she helps me into a wheel chair and she wheels me back to my room, checks my blood pressure, my temperature, my ears, nothing wrong, she says it might just be the loss of blood from yesterday. so she gives me some water and some crackers. they help a little, she speaks but I'm not concentrating, my mind begins to wander. I don't quite grasp the severity of the ordeal i've been through. i miss what she said, so she starts again.
"ok, well you take it easy I'm going to go report to your psychiatrist and she'll meet with you later today. also you have therapy after dinner, so go ahead and get ready, take a shower and dress. your clothes are in the closet over there. We don't allow jewelry in here so that's not going to be there, but your friends did bring you clothing and some other personal things." she goes to leave, "one more thing, the next check up is on Friday be sure to keep up with all of your meals. Ok Sammy?" Clothes are in the closet she said...Then slowly while i'm not looking leaves. "how long will my stay be?" I wander outloud. there is noone to hear my frustration. She's gone, yet again, I'm alone.
i look around and notice my surroundings for the first time since she wheeled me here. The crackers are gone. I get up out of the chair, i head towards the bathroom, metal mirror, plastic sink and shower, i close the door and climb in to the shower pulling the curtain closed behind me before i take off the gown. I throw it out of the shower into the floor and turn on the hot water to cleanse the cuts and bruises from the night before, how did they get there? i don't quite know. I know that with how everything is going i need to be careful, i don't want to break again. I'm actually quite fragile. my mind just jumps a lot while the time passes, the water drops like tears on my skin and i cry. I can't hold on anymore, i have to let it out. I miss everything, how did i end up like this, where did i go wrong what is the matter with me? is it because i have had bad run ins with people before? is it because of my past? is it because of recent events? what have i become? Then i hear it.
a small voice, i don't so much hear it as think it if that makes sense. as though the voice is in the back of my head. in my mind. oh no I'm hallucinating again. I think to myself. "No you're not hallucinating Sammy, I just have never spoken to you before now so you're just not used to it, My name is Legion." says the thinking voice. I shrug it off Your not real, you can't be, can you? I think back at the person who says they are Legion. "here let me show you." Says the disembodied voice again. And then i see it, through the edge of the curtain. a skinny emaciated figure covered in scars and cuts, blood and bruises, she wears a black dress with feathers, she has a slightly blue cast like a corpse or ghost, her eyes red with crying. her tears are streaks of red down her cheeks. her hair black and stringy, oily with blood and sweat. She's a very skewed version of me. i realize. "Yes i am you. I came to be when you were younger, all the depressed bouts the mania the homicidal rage, the injuries, it was me. It has always been me. Not you, you're not the damaged one, i am. I am the monsturous one." the apparition says as she reaches out and i notice the knife in her hand, i Scream involuntarily, curling into a ball on the shower floor, i black out.
Chapter 2
"ugh, What time is it?" I ask. I'm staring at the ceiling still. "Hello, anyone there?" I slowly get up to look around and realize no one is in the room with me, then i notice I'm not in my room. I look down at my arms and they are covered with cuts and bruises. Self-Inflicted. I knew i shouldn't have visited Dryad in my state. I knew i should have stayed away from this side of town, i think to myself, but then i realize, I'm not in Dryad's house.
"Where am i?", I say out loud softly, but there is no one there to answer me, so i feel foolish.
The walls are white, antiseptic. the floor is the same clean and sterile, the windows weaved through with safety wire and inlaid as to not create sharp edges. the way the light shines in lets me know it's mid-day already.
I climb out of the bed I'm in and realize I'm more covered in blood then i thought i was, I'm soaked from head to toe and covered in cuts and bruises, It hurts to move much, so i lift up my hospital gown. Hospital gown? Where am i?
There are gashes on my chest where my ribs touch my skin, and slices on my thighs and abdomen. I call out again, still no answer. god i feel weak I think as i fall towards the ground. I pick myself back up and walk unsteadily towards the door. I look out the big window and see the hallway is empty. I walk back to sit on the bed. That's when i notice it. I'm in the hospital, and not the good kind either. i inspect the cuts again, "these are old. these are a day old... what happened to me!" I speak softly to myself again.
The door opens, not the same sigh as the flat, but a gentle whooshing noise, antiseptic and sterile sounding just like the rest of the room. The nurse walks in with a bowl of water and a sponge on a trolly. She pauses to look at the clipboard that i seemed to have over looked. "Samantha, " she pauses as she reads "hon, we need to clean up your cuts, if you would take off your gown." she says as she walks towards the far end of the room where the bed and nightstand sit. I slowly look up at her face. I feel the panic start to rise.
"sure," I say, i hear my voice waver, as i lift my gown sorely over my head and hand it to her. "What am i doing here?" I ask, i sound weak.
"You don't know dear? Why just look at your arms and abdomen, you went wild it looks like, but to tell you the truth i don't quite know about what went on myself. However after you're done bathing and i bandage you up you have a meeting with your new doctors." she said.
I believe her because i am to confused to do otherwise. I have no inkling of what went on between last night and today, or has it been longer then that? Can't be much longer, or so i hope. I ask the date.
"Today is the 14th." Good yesterday was Friday the 13th so it's only been one day. That means i won't be here for long. Hopefully. There is a metallic, bitter taste in my mouth so I ask about it.
"Oh that's just the medication that they had to inject to calm you down. don't worry it goes away, same as with the disorientation. you lost a lot of blood for someone so small!" she exclaims... I let her get on with her job.
The Nurse finishes with my bath and fresh bandages and i ask her her name, Michelle. That's her name, so i figure me and Michelle will be talking a lot. And i sit and wait for my next appointment. and i wonder to myself, What is happening to me? I mean where am i exactly and where are my clothes, will i get to see my friends and do they know where i am? I get frustrated and lay flat on the bed exasperated. I feel the panic start to rise and the mania start to set in. I feel like my nerves are on fire. i stare at the ceiling again. The connect the dots of the unniverse and i count the patterns i see there to pass the time. I didn't hear it when Michelle left, and I don't remember if she said anything to me, It feels so vague. I must have passed out as i stared at the ceiling and when i came to i just stared some more.
"Hi, Samantha." A voice from the door... a familiar voice, i didn't even hear the door open though, so i look over, and there is Kim. I hadn't spoken to her for weeks. I didn't know she would still care. But there she was pretty as ever and i begin to shake, to laugh, then to sob.
"Oh Sammy please don't cry, I'm so sorry for what has been going on but it's been a rough time." She explains, "and when Dryad called me last night telling me about your lapse, i knew i needed to come see you." Dryad that little weasel. She knew something was up, i needed to talk to her ASAP.
"So, " I sob out trying to choke it back and madly start to wipe at my eyes while sitting up in the hospital bed, "Where am i, how did i get here, do you know?" I can't stop shaking, i must look so frail, i hate it when I'm like this. so emotional. i try to close it off. Emotion is weakness.
"Well, apparently at dryad's last night hon you. . ." She pauses for a moment looking for the right word, ". . .Changed. she said one moment you two were sharing a heart to heart and the next you were someone else, completely changed, and you got up and locked yourself in her bathroom. She blamed herself for leaving the razor unprotected where you could get a hold of it you know, but i comforted her and told her it was ok, it wasn't her fault it could have happened anywhere. and I'm glad it happened there. She told me Mei was riding with you to the ER, and then they brought you up here to Fairshaw Mental Institute when you had calmed down for further observation. When they told Mei that she phoned Rae to get her to go to the flat to pick up your stuff for you. I had to brute my way past the doctors to be able to visit you, they said you were still in isolation this morning, and said it would be hard to do because you ripped up your bandages and picked the scabs open. if you hadn't of switched back they would have had to sedate and restrain you, but you switched back about 10 am they said and went to sleep. and here i am." She walked a little further into the room as she said it.
Amazed that she would see me i just kind of sat there awe-struck, and i got this pang in my chest and knew my heart was acting up again. i cringe and she knows what's happening and helps me sit straight and breath. I tell her I'll be fine, I will get through this and help the doctors out with my diagnosis, all the bullshit i always fed her when i had a lapse. i never had one this bad before but i have had lapses in the past. Normally it's just me hearing voices or doing drugs or even just getting depressed. but apparently this is THE lapse of all time. I can't deal, so i ask her to leave. She gets up, sobbing herself, and leaves the room. the door with it's clean whoosh closes behind her.
And I'm alone.
I stay in the bed for hours sobbing, hoping that no one will come and see this pathetic display. I can only hope. My life is a mess, I think to myself, What is happening to me? I start to doze off a couple of times, but for the most part my breath is just a metronome, ticking away counting down the minutes as I stare at nothing. on and off i sob or laugh, in hopes that everything will turn out ok. I start to get ill, i don't know how much time has passed. the windows are still bright so maybe not that long?
That whooshing sound again. Someone is in the room, so i turn over to see who it is.
"Hi Samantha, I'll be your Physician during your stay here. My name is doctor Provose." She says. They must know all of my history because it's not a man. Or maybe I'm reading into things too much. "I just need to run some tests on you, check your weight, your height and heart rate. also i need to do some blood work, I see you're not afraid of needles." I look down at my arms then nod. I guess there's no need to tell her it wasn't me who did this to myself and that i am afraid of needles. Some things just get lost in the translation though, she wouldn't understand. They never do.
"how much blood do you need to take?" My voice still a bit shaky as i ask her the question. I have to get the panic under control, after all they are here to help me.
"Just one tube full, it's about a hundred milligrams." she says as she prepares the needle, she goes to insert it and i wince. I guess i just can't hide my fear of needles from her now. I guess it's for the best.
"oh, you are afraid of needles, well, tell you a little trick," she says as softly, Motherly, as she can. "Just close your eyes, and i promise it's going to only pinch a bit then you won't feel it."
I nod at her and do as she says, I close my eyes, i feel the pinch in my left arm and then just as she promised, i feel nothing as she pulls the blood from my veins. I open my eyes, she's still drawing so i just sit and watch. When it's over she pulls out the needle, and puts a bit of cotton over the wound and tells me to bend my arm to apply pressure. so i do as I'm asked. She gets up and walks to where she placed her bag. she gets out her stethoscope and checks the normal things, my heart rate, my breathing, what you normally have done when you go to the doctor. Only she was doing this for medication purposes.
"OK, now come with me so we can Weigh you, then we will introduce you to your psychiatrist and your therapists. You'll see me once a week, your psychiatrist twice a week, and your therapists every day. Right this way." She points to a side hallway just across from my door. I walk towards the hall slowly, hesitating just slightly, afraid of what i might find. I'm not really that much of a people person when I'm in this sort of mood. But there was nobody there, so i walked along beside her down the hall.
We get to the examination room and theres very limited decorations... A simple picture on the wall and some small potted plants on the desk. not much to look at, but still feels more like home then the previous room. "this way." she says as she escorts me to the back room to the scale. It's one of those big scales where you can't see the weight. They normally use those for girls with eating disorders, That way you can't tell how heavy you are so you don't get upset when you're in treatment. That's just the way things work here after all, this is not just a mental institution. I step on the cold scale barefooted, I forgot my slippers. She reads my weight, writes it on her clipboard, and asks me to step off. She looks disapproving. I must not meet minimum weight.
"Ok, and what do you normally eat Sam?"
"Nothing unusual just the normal stuff, Junk food, fast food, beef, cheese, bread, veggies... the normal stuff. sometimes i don't have time for breakfast, but what does this have to do with what you're checking for?” I sound baffled i know it. I see just for a brief second the chart as she sits it down on the table and starts to cover it. I'm ninety nine pounds. I have gained weight, but she doesn't know that. It probably says in my medical records all the history she needs to figure out that i was once anorexic. she probably imagines that i still am. I'm shaking, it's cold in the office, or maybe I'm nervous. I still haven't shaken the panic. It grips at my lungs while i stand by the scale.
"well we'll mark it down in your records."
"ok" i sound so weak, feeble.
"Ok Sammy the only thing left is to check how tall you are, right over here please." she escorts me to the front of the room near the door where there is a tape on the wall denoting height. I'm 5'6", I've been that tall for years. i always wanted to be taller though. always. I'm starting to get tired and i fall. I bump my head on the way down and there is a stinging sensation followed by little flashes. but i don't black out.
"Are you ok Sammy?" she can see that I'm not yet she asks, it's human nature after all. ask the obvious.
she helps me into a wheel chair and she wheels me back to my room, checks my blood pressure, my temperature, my ears, nothing wrong, she says it might just be the loss of blood from yesterday. so she gives me some water and some crackers. they help a little, she speaks but I'm not concentrating, my mind begins to wander. I don't quite grasp the severity of the ordeal i've been through. i miss what she said, so she starts again.
"ok, well you take it easy I'm going to go report to your psychiatrist and she'll meet with you later today. also you have therapy after dinner, so go ahead and get ready, take a shower and dress. your clothes are in the closet over there. We don't allow jewelry in here so that's not going to be there, but your friends did bring you clothing and some other personal things." she goes to leave, "one more thing, the next check up is on Friday be sure to keep up with all of your meals. Ok Sammy?" Clothes are in the closet she said...Then slowly while i'm not looking leaves. "how long will my stay be?" I wander outloud. there is noone to hear my frustration. She's gone, yet again, I'm alone.
i look around and notice my surroundings for the first time since she wheeled me here. The crackers are gone. I get up out of the chair, i head towards the bathroom, metal mirror, plastic sink and shower, i close the door and climb in to the shower pulling the curtain closed behind me before i take off the gown. I throw it out of the shower into the floor and turn on the hot water to cleanse the cuts and bruises from the night before, how did they get there? i don't quite know. I know that with how everything is going i need to be careful, i don't want to break again. I'm actually quite fragile. my mind just jumps a lot while the time passes, the water drops like tears on my skin and i cry. I can't hold on anymore, i have to let it out. I miss everything, how did i end up like this, where did i go wrong what is the matter with me? is it because i have had bad run ins with people before? is it because of my past? is it because of recent events? what have i become? Then i hear it.
a small voice, i don't so much hear it as think it if that makes sense. as though the voice is in the back of my head. in my mind. oh no I'm hallucinating again. I think to myself. "No you're not hallucinating Sammy, I just have never spoken to you before now so you're just not used to it, My name is Legion." says the thinking voice. I shrug it off Your not real, you can't be, can you? I think back at the person who says they are Legion. "here let me show you." Says the disembodied voice again. And then i see it, through the edge of the curtain. a skinny emaciated figure covered in scars and cuts, blood and bruises, she wears a black dress with feathers, she has a slightly blue cast like a corpse or ghost, her eyes red with crying. her tears are streaks of red down her cheeks. her hair black and stringy, oily with blood and sweat. She's a very skewed version of me. i realize. "Yes i am you. I came to be when you were younger, all the depressed bouts the mania the homicidal rage, the injuries, it was me. It has always been me. Not you, you're not the damaged one, i am. I am the monsturous one." the apparition says as she reaches out and i notice the knife in her hand, i Scream involuntarily, curling into a ball on the shower floor, i black out.