...Says it all, well, a lot at least....
So I'm here at mom's place in Mentor, been here since Tuesday night. At first I came up here to spend Thanksgiving with her and my sister, and I figured I'd use the time to...get away from things, and when I got back to Mpls, I'd hopefully be...recharged I guess. I anticipated having a difficult time dealing with it up here, for a few reasons. While my mother is one of those reasons, it's not as bad as I thought it might be. We tend to get along for short periods of time before one of us starts to irritate the other. We're both stubborn, hard headed, and rather opinionated. I suppose we three are, my sister, my mother and myself. I've gotten on my sister's nerves once or twice already, heh, those I suppose that's what happens between siblings, especially when we don't spent a lot of time together on a regular basis. Interesting though, that my sister and mom have butted heads and I tried to calm them down and be a mediator of sorts. Yeah, odd, though I can't be sure if I did more damage than not, heh.
I met Steve's parents, brother and sister I believe (she might be his brother's wife, I'm not sure really, *shrug* no biggie I suppose). Steve is my mom's boyfriend/fiance, I don't really know that status or technical term, though I don't think it really matters. Needless to say, they're together, and have been for years. He's a good guy, I like him, he's been good to my mom and my sister, what more can I really ask of him, ya know?
I've also met most of the other members of the household family here, not humans, but they're people, at least to me. Molly, Oreo, LadyBird, the dogs; Gerard/Jerard (not sure how they spell it), Donut, Gimp/Jacks (Her right front leg is completely useless, when I first saw her, I thought she just didn't have one. She's my favorite, and she's just a kitten, doesn't let her gimp leg stop her from running through snow, or jumping up on tables, counters, beds, anything, really cute too.), Sophia (he's now a she...well that's what Steve said, :P ), and about 5 or 6 other cats that I can't quite remember their names. I miss animals, I miss having pets around. I don't think I realized how much until these last few days.
I thought the silence of the place would weird me out, like it did when I was here for a few days years ago. I felt like I was going crazy back then, being up here, away from the cities, away from the people, away from the cars, the constant background noises. The thought of being stuck in a place where I couldn't just get up and go somewhere, anywhere, whenever I wanted to, the thought that I was away from...well...civilization, in a sense, wasn't pleasant. I felt very similar when I spent time in Elk River when my mom and sister lived there. But ya know what? I don't really feel any of that, well that's not exactly true. I do a little bit, but it's more like...a thought in the back of my mind, just sitting there, collecting dust that I just happen to glance at every so often. Maybe it's because it's a holiday week or whatever, but I feel...relatively fine.
That doesn't mean I haven't spent hours already sitting awake, walking around, or even braving the cold and wind to have a smoke, feeling a bit out of place. I think that's because I'm not familiar with the house and such. Sure I was here years ago, but I didn't get to know the place, hell, I spent most of the time in the computer room, I think I even slept there. But I think that happens anywhere that you're unfamiliar with, like when you move into a new place, or visit somewhere for a while.
I believe it was earlier tonight, might have been last night (I'm not sure, I've sort of lost track of time here), I went outside for a smoke, looked up and I could see starts, a whole bunch of them. I moved around to the back of the house, where the yard light was blocked out, and I saw the moon on the horizon. It was huge and still orange-ish. That was pretty cool. I turned to look North (I think), and I damn near gasped, though I knew I was surprised. The big dipper was gigantic, bigger than I think I have ever seen it before. The last few nights before this, it had been cloudy, so I couldn't see any of the stars. It was really nice to be able to see the starts and moon so clearly and to see so many stars, it made me feel, comfortable for some reason. If it hadn't been freezing out, I think I could have sat down outside and just watched the sky for hours.
It let me forget, for a little while, about my life in the cities. Honestly, it doesn't seem to be going very well for me. All I really seem to do is struggle to get by month to month. I fake being okay, or at least hide and suppress how I actually feel most of the time. Its like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. It seems like my life is just a series of events that repeat over and over, with only slight variations. Where I work, where I live, how I spend my spare time, the friends I see. Its like I just go through life in a sort of haze or a perpetual state of 'what's-the-fucking-point?'. Anti-depressants might help, but I don't think it'd be a good idea to take them, been there, done that.
There are so many things I don't say, that I feel like saying, but either I can't get it out, or I don't feel it's right to say my thoughts/feelings, because I don't want to impose on them, I don't want to make things awkward for them, or have them carry my baggage. I think that's part of the reason why I bottle up my emotions most of the time. Most of the time, the emotions I feel are either dulled or feel 'fake' in some sense. I'm not sure how to explain it to be honest.
My mom invited me to come live up here before, I declined obviously, for a few reasons. A couple I've already talked about. Others are what? Job and friends? Yeah, I suppose those are good reasons. But now that I think about it, I think some sort of stupid, foolish pride issue had something to do with it as well. Pride comes before the fall. I think that's how the saying goes. For the most part, since the end of 12th grade, I've been on my own. Sure I've had help from friends and family, especially my grandparents, but for the most part, on my own. My mom's asked me to come up here to visit for a while quite a few times. I've declined for good reasons, like, 'I need to make money to pay rent.' Which has always been a legit reason.
But I think another reason is that, in some way, I think I viewed it as running away from my life, in other words, giving up. That, I think would make me feel like crap.
I think I'm rambling. I'm suppose to be getting up and heading out to Grand Forks in something like, 4 hours. I'm screwed.
I brought up my mom's offer for a reason. I don't know if it's still open, I don't know if I would want it to be a possibility. I don't know how or what I would or could contribute up here. And if I moved up here, I would be quite a ways from, well, my life. Shane, Loralei, Hannah. I'd be moving away from them, and my grandparents (who I don't see nearly as often as I should). Beyond them, what do I really have in Mpls, that I can even consider a 'Life'? Nothing. When I think about it, it really is pathetic. I haven't been able to open myself up, I haven't been able to get myself to get out and do things or go places (granted money hasn't been easy to come by, so I don't hit myself too much about this). I haven't been able to say how I feel about some things, tell certain people how I feel, half the time I can't even tell what I feel. But really, what do I have to loose by moving? I wouldn't be able to see them often, which would really suck. But that's all I have in Mpls, and it's sad.
I really am rambling now, so I'll stop and try to get some sleep.
I met Steve's parents, brother and sister I believe (she might be his brother's wife, I'm not sure really, *shrug* no biggie I suppose). Steve is my mom's boyfriend/fiance, I don't really know that status or technical term, though I don't think it really matters. Needless to say, they're together, and have been for years. He's a good guy, I like him, he's been good to my mom and my sister, what more can I really ask of him, ya know?
I've also met most of the other members of the household family here, not humans, but they're people, at least to me. Molly, Oreo, LadyBird, the dogs; Gerard/Jerard (not sure how they spell it), Donut, Gimp/Jacks (Her right front leg is completely useless, when I first saw her, I thought she just didn't have one. She's my favorite, and she's just a kitten, doesn't let her gimp leg stop her from running through snow, or jumping up on tables, counters, beds, anything, really cute too.), Sophia (he's now a she...well that's what Steve said, :P ), and about 5 or 6 other cats that I can't quite remember their names. I miss animals, I miss having pets around. I don't think I realized how much until these last few days.
I thought the silence of the place would weird me out, like it did when I was here for a few days years ago. I felt like I was going crazy back then, being up here, away from the cities, away from the people, away from the cars, the constant background noises. The thought of being stuck in a place where I couldn't just get up and go somewhere, anywhere, whenever I wanted to, the thought that I was away from...well...civilization, in a sense, wasn't pleasant. I felt very similar when I spent time in Elk River when my mom and sister lived there. But ya know what? I don't really feel any of that, well that's not exactly true. I do a little bit, but it's more like...a thought in the back of my mind, just sitting there, collecting dust that I just happen to glance at every so often. Maybe it's because it's a holiday week or whatever, but I feel...relatively fine.
That doesn't mean I haven't spent hours already sitting awake, walking around, or even braving the cold and wind to have a smoke, feeling a bit out of place. I think that's because I'm not familiar with the house and such. Sure I was here years ago, but I didn't get to know the place, hell, I spent most of the time in the computer room, I think I even slept there. But I think that happens anywhere that you're unfamiliar with, like when you move into a new place, or visit somewhere for a while.
I believe it was earlier tonight, might have been last night (I'm not sure, I've sort of lost track of time here), I went outside for a smoke, looked up and I could see starts, a whole bunch of them. I moved around to the back of the house, where the yard light was blocked out, and I saw the moon on the horizon. It was huge and still orange-ish. That was pretty cool. I turned to look North (I think), and I damn near gasped, though I knew I was surprised. The big dipper was gigantic, bigger than I think I have ever seen it before. The last few nights before this, it had been cloudy, so I couldn't see any of the stars. It was really nice to be able to see the starts and moon so clearly and to see so many stars, it made me feel, comfortable for some reason. If it hadn't been freezing out, I think I could have sat down outside and just watched the sky for hours.
It let me forget, for a little while, about my life in the cities. Honestly, it doesn't seem to be going very well for me. All I really seem to do is struggle to get by month to month. I fake being okay, or at least hide and suppress how I actually feel most of the time. Its like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. It seems like my life is just a series of events that repeat over and over, with only slight variations. Where I work, where I live, how I spend my spare time, the friends I see. Its like I just go through life in a sort of haze or a perpetual state of 'what's-the-fucking-point?'. Anti-depressants might help, but I don't think it'd be a good idea to take them, been there, done that.
There are so many things I don't say, that I feel like saying, but either I can't get it out, or I don't feel it's right to say my thoughts/feelings, because I don't want to impose on them, I don't want to make things awkward for them, or have them carry my baggage. I think that's part of the reason why I bottle up my emotions most of the time. Most of the time, the emotions I feel are either dulled or feel 'fake' in some sense. I'm not sure how to explain it to be honest.
My mom invited me to come live up here before, I declined obviously, for a few reasons. A couple I've already talked about. Others are what? Job and friends? Yeah, I suppose those are good reasons. But now that I think about it, I think some sort of stupid, foolish pride issue had something to do with it as well. Pride comes before the fall. I think that's how the saying goes. For the most part, since the end of 12th grade, I've been on my own. Sure I've had help from friends and family, especially my grandparents, but for the most part, on my own. My mom's asked me to come up here to visit for a while quite a few times. I've declined for good reasons, like, 'I need to make money to pay rent.' Which has always been a legit reason.
But I think another reason is that, in some way, I think I viewed it as running away from my life, in other words, giving up. That, I think would make me feel like crap.
I think I'm rambling. I'm suppose to be getting up and heading out to Grand Forks in something like, 4 hours. I'm screwed.
I brought up my mom's offer for a reason. I don't know if it's still open, I don't know if I would want it to be a possibility. I don't know how or what I would or could contribute up here. And if I moved up here, I would be quite a ways from, well, my life. Shane, Loralei, Hannah. I'd be moving away from them, and my grandparents (who I don't see nearly as often as I should). Beyond them, what do I really have in Mpls, that I can even consider a 'Life'? Nothing. When I think about it, it really is pathetic. I haven't been able to open myself up, I haven't been able to get myself to get out and do things or go places (granted money hasn't been easy to come by, so I don't hit myself too much about this). I haven't been able to say how I feel about some things, tell certain people how I feel, half the time I can't even tell what I feel. But really, what do I have to loose by moving? I wouldn't be able to see them often, which would really suck. But that's all I have in Mpls, and it's sad.
I really am rambling now, so I'll stop and try to get some sleep.