By tomorrow, I'll be awake.
Sometimes I feel as if I can't seem to escape the grasp of the shadows, as if the Sun can't reach my skin. I am too cautious, too logical, thinking out things that just have to be acted upon. But this life without light, it's suffocating. I'm afraid of my absent shadow, fearing its inevitable return. Or is its return even possible? Am I destined to live completely and undeniably alone, without the company of my own grotesque shadow mocking my size, my shape, my being?
Inside me I can feel so many emotions swirling, mixing, churning. They're dying to be released, but I can't let anyone know how much it still hurts. I'm still breaking, but the fragments are chipping off much slower than they were before. The sea of tears that escaped from the clutches of my jet-black lashes have started to erode the jagged edges of my deteriorating memories.
You know what I need? I need to fall in love. I need to fall so hard that I can't ignore the frivolity of this pain. Hopefully, this boy will sweep me off my feet and carry me away to my nirvana. I just want to run away from all of this. "We ate there." "We sat right there." "We used to park there." All those memories are being flooded by the introduction of his new girl. "They had sex there." "They did drugs there." "They skipped school to mess around there."
I seem to only be attracted to people who 1) will break my heart, 2) will drive me insane or 3) are going to have their hearts broken by me. This isn't fair, although I never expected it to be. I never asked God or the world or anything to make life a tad bit more fair. Easier, maybe, but never more just. I believe the balance is being maintained, just not in my favor.
It's quite possible that I'm drowning without even touching the waters below me. I'm in over my head with this situation. 2 boys, 2 hearts, 2 different kind of people.
#1: Strong memories, location, willingness to travel, racism, sexism, almost a complete absence of manners, baggage.
#2: Ability to laugh, great taste in music, open arms, great listener, happy-go-lucky, so far away, spaced out, baggage.
Hard decision, right? =\