the end of an era...
tommorow (friday) i have to drive to the Veterinary Hospital to put my hedgehog, Gabby, to sleep.
7 weeks ago, i found her laying in her room, looking as if she had died. when i picked her up, she was very much alive... but showing every sign of having had a stroke, and some yellowing was subtly appearing around her armpits, indicating that her liver was in distress.
after ruining the day of my usual vet (jackass kept diagnosing her with things i was very able to shoot down... so i had to make him pay dearly), i kicked down the door of a vet that knew what she was doing and was able to confirm my original judgement.
for the next 7 weeks, i administered steroids, antibiotics, vitamins and forced exercise, drove her to weekly rechecks at the clinic, and burned myself out trying to rehabilitate the little one.
unfortunately, as time has passed... every bit of promise and progress, was always met with an eventual downshift. where i initially syringe fed her to make sure she got enough food, it became the only way she can eat due to her front legs freezing up and not letting her get to her food. the stumbly walk she had after the stroke, was replaced by dragging herself on her side... to near total inactivity.
it's become evident now that all of the setbacks were due to a series of reoccurring mini strokes and seizures... where it was unnoticeable before, i've been catching it this week. more damage was originally done to her system than we realized.
i knew when i began this mission that she only had a 40% chance of acceptible recovery, and i had to fight for that chance... i dont believe that you have the right to take on a pet unless youre willing to take those responsibilies. all the work wasnt an issue, the veterinary bills werent an issue... and i'd do it all for another 7 weeks, if it could yeild any results. unfortunately, the percentage has now officially dropped to zero, and although she hasnt been in pain or suffered... she'll be reaching that point very quickly, at this stage of her health...
so, i have to say goodbye. it's the only thing i can do for her, even though it's the last thing i want on my end. she's been with me for almost 3 1/2 years, and to a hedgehog, that isnt an extremely long time. but it is enough time to really get used to something, build alot of memories, bond together, and grow altogether too deeply in your heart. what makes it even harder is that 7 weeks ago, i had to change from "friend" to "mother"... and that bond became even deeper on both sides.
everytime i look at her face, it kills me... i cant imagine her NOT being around, and it's all bullshit. my emotions from the last week have been swinging anywhere from feeling numb, to angry, to just crying without warning... (which can be really inconvenient when you've got 5 seconds to think of a reason to get out of the room when you're with a client.) i'm distant, irritable, my patience for anything has diminished, tired... and i've had a fucking migraine for about 5 days straight now. at points i even get so upset that i become naseous.
above all, it's fucking unfair. she didnt do anything wrong to anyone. nothing to deserve getting her health or life cut short like this. there's alot of nasty little rotten animals out there, and they get to live seemingly forever. why should she be punished for being a great creature?
and as a secondary aspect... she comes first, obviously... but what the fuck about the owner? there are very extremely few pet owners out there that would have given the care or gone to the lengths i have. there's very few that would have continued when they heard a number like 40%, or realized that they would have to stop at the clinic once a week or pay the 40 bucks per appointment. that same majority would have given up when they realized they would have to be that attentive and volunteer several moments of their day to administer meds or feedings. that's their problem, i guess, and it's too bad for the animal that ended up with them... but what the fuck about the owners that do go through that gauntlet, never bitching or complaining or reconsidering their commitment to that creature? that's punishable, in this this world? fuck that.
the percentage of people i spit on up there, are still within the group of people that actually give a fuck about that animal, and take proper care of the thing while it's around. what about that other grouping of people in the world, that dont have the slightest clue whats good or best for that animal? that dont take care of them. that neglect or abuse tham? those animals seem to live forever... what the fuck did those owners do to be rewarded?
so the animal loses, because it was apparently some kind of fucking sin to be a great animal and having affiliation with an exeptional owner? really- if anyone tries to tell me there's a god, ever again... they need to accept that A) there isnt, B) that there is but he's fucking sick and isnt worth praising for shit C) that they are fucking retarded and really need to bow down before me so i can do the humane thing and put them out of their sad dilusional misery via 8349 1/2 stomps to their fucking head.
i'm going to quit writing now... because it's probably obvious that i'm getting really upset again.
really, i wish that Gabby was alright, and just taking me to the vet to be put down. this is bullshit, and it sucks, and i really just feel like i'm going to snap. at the very least, i'm next in line for an ulcer, stroke or heart attack.
7 weeks ago, i found her laying in her room, looking as if she had died. when i picked her up, she was very much alive... but showing every sign of having had a stroke, and some yellowing was subtly appearing around her armpits, indicating that her liver was in distress.
after ruining the day of my usual vet (jackass kept diagnosing her with things i was very able to shoot down... so i had to make him pay dearly), i kicked down the door of a vet that knew what she was doing and was able to confirm my original judgement.
for the next 7 weeks, i administered steroids, antibiotics, vitamins and forced exercise, drove her to weekly rechecks at the clinic, and burned myself out trying to rehabilitate the little one.
unfortunately, as time has passed... every bit of promise and progress, was always met with an eventual downshift. where i initially syringe fed her to make sure she got enough food, it became the only way she can eat due to her front legs freezing up and not letting her get to her food. the stumbly walk she had after the stroke, was replaced by dragging herself on her side... to near total inactivity.
it's become evident now that all of the setbacks were due to a series of reoccurring mini strokes and seizures... where it was unnoticeable before, i've been catching it this week. more damage was originally done to her system than we realized.
i knew when i began this mission that she only had a 40% chance of acceptible recovery, and i had to fight for that chance... i dont believe that you have the right to take on a pet unless youre willing to take those responsibilies. all the work wasnt an issue, the veterinary bills werent an issue... and i'd do it all for another 7 weeks, if it could yeild any results. unfortunately, the percentage has now officially dropped to zero, and although she hasnt been in pain or suffered... she'll be reaching that point very quickly, at this stage of her health...
so, i have to say goodbye. it's the only thing i can do for her, even though it's the last thing i want on my end. she's been with me for almost 3 1/2 years, and to a hedgehog, that isnt an extremely long time. but it is enough time to really get used to something, build alot of memories, bond together, and grow altogether too deeply in your heart. what makes it even harder is that 7 weeks ago, i had to change from "friend" to "mother"... and that bond became even deeper on both sides.
everytime i look at her face, it kills me... i cant imagine her NOT being around, and it's all bullshit. my emotions from the last week have been swinging anywhere from feeling numb, to angry, to just crying without warning... (which can be really inconvenient when you've got 5 seconds to think of a reason to get out of the room when you're with a client.) i'm distant, irritable, my patience for anything has diminished, tired... and i've had a fucking migraine for about 5 days straight now. at points i even get so upset that i become naseous.
above all, it's fucking unfair. she didnt do anything wrong to anyone. nothing to deserve getting her health or life cut short like this. there's alot of nasty little rotten animals out there, and they get to live seemingly forever. why should she be punished for being a great creature?
and as a secondary aspect... she comes first, obviously... but what the fuck about the owner? there are very extremely few pet owners out there that would have given the care or gone to the lengths i have. there's very few that would have continued when they heard a number like 40%, or realized that they would have to stop at the clinic once a week or pay the 40 bucks per appointment. that same majority would have given up when they realized they would have to be that attentive and volunteer several moments of their day to administer meds or feedings. that's their problem, i guess, and it's too bad for the animal that ended up with them... but what the fuck about the owners that do go through that gauntlet, never bitching or complaining or reconsidering their commitment to that creature? that's punishable, in this this world? fuck that.
the percentage of people i spit on up there, are still within the group of people that actually give a fuck about that animal, and take proper care of the thing while it's around. what about that other grouping of people in the world, that dont have the slightest clue whats good or best for that animal? that dont take care of them. that neglect or abuse tham? those animals seem to live forever... what the fuck did those owners do to be rewarded?
so the animal loses, because it was apparently some kind of fucking sin to be a great animal and having affiliation with an exeptional owner? really- if anyone tries to tell me there's a god, ever again... they need to accept that A) there isnt, B) that there is but he's fucking sick and isnt worth praising for shit C) that they are fucking retarded and really need to bow down before me so i can do the humane thing and put them out of their sad dilusional misery via 8349 1/2 stomps to their fucking head.
i'm going to quit writing now... because it's probably obvious that i'm getting really upset again.
really, i wish that Gabby was alright, and just taking me to the vet to be put down. this is bullshit, and it sucks, and i really just feel like i'm going to snap. at the very least, i'm next in line for an ulcer, stroke or heart attack.