you say "why," and i say "i dont know"
days til i see schroeder and ian and moogie: 14. days til next poho conference: 56. days til silver bay: 205.
well. as usual, i am not exactly thrilled with my situation. i'm in new jersey (which is far too unpitchforky for my liking), and i have been away from home since tuesday, which is weird. to tell the truth, i'm kind of sick of it. like, i really just wanna go home. i dont much like spending extended (i.e. more than three days) periods of time away from home, unless it's like madeline's house or silver bay or something.
kirky's was fabulous, but dude, i didnt get to say goodbye to poopoo. she was all "ooh, dont worry, we'll say bye tommorow" when her dad picked her up after we saw "rent", but my parents whisked me off as soon as they could this morning and now i wont see her until JULY and that is thoroughly depressing.
i have to admit i had a bit of a cry when i had to say goodbye to kirky. cuz the thing is, we werent exactly DOING a whole lot. i mean, we did go shopping which was a blast, and bopping around the city and seeing "rent" was amazing ("rent" was so good, i cannot even go into it), and i liked meeting her friends, but really, we were just hanging out. cuz that's how it is, we just hang out, we are just natural together, same with most of the quaker-types and that's the POINT, i mean, it's so wonderful cuz it's so natural. and i was really really sad to leave her.
in fact, i didnt say anything the whole car ride from her house to my cousins', i just listened to my "magical mystery tour" cd, except for one point when i told my dad i wanted to take bass lessons, and another when we had a good family discussion (read: arguement) about which key has three flats (as i said, many times, it is e-flat, but no one listens to me, do they?). we went for a walk (we being me, my mom and dad, and grandma and opa) and that cheered me up a bit, and i was really enjoying the family company, but now i am just pooped. i dont even know what time it is.
it is new years eve, and i am sitting in tv room of a new jersey mcmansion, updating my livejournal. this time last year i was singing karaoke at the cavacco's house, and having a grand old time, and i'm sure you'll agree this is a huge step downwards. i have no one to relect upon the past year with, so i'm telling YOU (whoever you may be).
wow, in a little while (or not, cuz like i said, i really dont know what time it is), 2004 will be over forever, and that is kinda sad, isnt it? i mean, what happened? all i wanted this time last year was to be able to kiss peter. i called him at my midnight and at his (which was three o clock in the morning my time, now wasnt i a good girlfriend) and we verbally kissed, and he was all optimistic and like "hurrah, two time zones equals twice as much kissing" but hello, my boyfriend lived in OREGON. although he wasnt my boyfriend then, he didnt ask me out for another two days.
also this time last year i was looking forward to seeing madeline, which hasnt changed much. i was missing the quakers, which hasnt changed much. i was dreading going back to school cuz there was just this one class i couldnt stand (which hasnt changed at ALL. although surprisingly, it isnt psychology i'm dreading, it's personal computing, and i dont even know why).
so what has changed? i've met a lot of new people. i'd like to think i've gotten a bit smarter, but i doubt it. i mean, i'm still ana.
in fact, to tell the truth, i think that it's like, stuff has HAPPENED. lots and lots of stuff has happened. but nothing much has CHANGED. it's all pretty much like it was. i wonder if that means it was a waste of a year, or what??
actually it's kinda awful, isnt it, that it hasnt changed and i'm still here wishing i was somewhere else. seriously, most of my time is spent wishing i was somewhere else. true, there are those moments of total contentment and happiness, but mostly i'm just thinking "ugh, what am i DOING here, and why wont these people SHUT UP?!". that is not a good way to live life. dont you ever just feel, like, trapped? like "yeah, these people probably dont really like me, or maybe they just havent even noticed my existence yet, but dude, i dont like them either, so why does it bother me so much??"
oh wow, ok, it's like eleven thirty, and i am exhausted from three nights staying up late with friends, and so i'm off on a deep(ish) rant. but oh well, my "girls guide to taking over the world" book says that ranting is what connects girls of our generation, so there. more rant:
oh god actually i dno if i can rant much more, i'm just making myself miserable. here's the thing, though. i'll tell you a secret:
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW 2005 IS GONNA BE!!!
i'll go back to school, somehow scrape together projects for psych and history, manage to finish my english paper, get good grades in all of them but feel like i did wretchedly, and then it'll all just start again. there'll always be one class i just dread, that ruins the whole school experience. i'll sit with my friends (and some not friends that we wish would go away) at lunch, and we'll have fun but i'll always feel like something's missing, cuz it always is, and i'll go to poho and visit moogie sometimes and it will be marvelous but i'll always go into withdrawal afterwards and then through a stage where i feel like "wow, no one here loves me, no quakers love me, i ought to just crawl into a hole and die", and i'll continue being girly and giggly and making a fool out of myself and wishing i was different but not wanting to change, and who knows, maybe this summer i'll get a job, but i'll probably hate it, and silver bay will be wonderful, but will end, as usual, and it'll all start again in september and as far as i can see, there is really no point. this is NOT how i wanted to spend new years eve, but what the hell else can i do???
i just wanna go home and stare at all the junk taped to my walls and listen to the lame massachusetts radio stations and feel normal and cozy and sulky like i always do, but instead, i'm stuck in new jersey, and kirky is only a fourtyfive minute drive away, but i cant see her, that's all done with, and oooooh this sucks.
happy new year everyone.
well. as usual, i am not exactly thrilled with my situation. i'm in new jersey (which is far too unpitchforky for my liking), and i have been away from home since tuesday, which is weird. to tell the truth, i'm kind of sick of it. like, i really just wanna go home. i dont much like spending extended (i.e. more than three days) periods of time away from home, unless it's like madeline's house or silver bay or something.
kirky's was fabulous, but dude, i didnt get to say goodbye to poopoo. she was all "ooh, dont worry, we'll say bye tommorow" when her dad picked her up after we saw "rent", but my parents whisked me off as soon as they could this morning and now i wont see her until JULY and that is thoroughly depressing.
i have to admit i had a bit of a cry when i had to say goodbye to kirky. cuz the thing is, we werent exactly DOING a whole lot. i mean, we did go shopping which was a blast, and bopping around the city and seeing "rent" was amazing ("rent" was so good, i cannot even go into it), and i liked meeting her friends, but really, we were just hanging out. cuz that's how it is, we just hang out, we are just natural together, same with most of the quaker-types and that's the POINT, i mean, it's so wonderful cuz it's so natural. and i was really really sad to leave her.
in fact, i didnt say anything the whole car ride from her house to my cousins', i just listened to my "magical mystery tour" cd, except for one point when i told my dad i wanted to take bass lessons, and another when we had a good family discussion (read: arguement) about which key has three flats (as i said, many times, it is e-flat, but no one listens to me, do they?). we went for a walk (we being me, my mom and dad, and grandma and opa) and that cheered me up a bit, and i was really enjoying the family company, but now i am just pooped. i dont even know what time it is.
it is new years eve, and i am sitting in tv room of a new jersey mcmansion, updating my livejournal. this time last year i was singing karaoke at the cavacco's house, and having a grand old time, and i'm sure you'll agree this is a huge step downwards. i have no one to relect upon the past year with, so i'm telling YOU (whoever you may be).
wow, in a little while (or not, cuz like i said, i really dont know what time it is), 2004 will be over forever, and that is kinda sad, isnt it? i mean, what happened? all i wanted this time last year was to be able to kiss peter. i called him at my midnight and at his (which was three o clock in the morning my time, now wasnt i a good girlfriend) and we verbally kissed, and he was all optimistic and like "hurrah, two time zones equals twice as much kissing" but hello, my boyfriend lived in OREGON. although he wasnt my boyfriend then, he didnt ask me out for another two days.
also this time last year i was looking forward to seeing madeline, which hasnt changed much. i was missing the quakers, which hasnt changed much. i was dreading going back to school cuz there was just this one class i couldnt stand (which hasnt changed at ALL. although surprisingly, it isnt psychology i'm dreading, it's personal computing, and i dont even know why).
so what has changed? i've met a lot of new people. i'd like to think i've gotten a bit smarter, but i doubt it. i mean, i'm still ana.
in fact, to tell the truth, i think that it's like, stuff has HAPPENED. lots and lots of stuff has happened. but nothing much has CHANGED. it's all pretty much like it was. i wonder if that means it was a waste of a year, or what??
actually it's kinda awful, isnt it, that it hasnt changed and i'm still here wishing i was somewhere else. seriously, most of my time is spent wishing i was somewhere else. true, there are those moments of total contentment and happiness, but mostly i'm just thinking "ugh, what am i DOING here, and why wont these people SHUT UP?!". that is not a good way to live life. dont you ever just feel, like, trapped? like "yeah, these people probably dont really like me, or maybe they just havent even noticed my existence yet, but dude, i dont like them either, so why does it bother me so much??"
oh wow, ok, it's like eleven thirty, and i am exhausted from three nights staying up late with friends, and so i'm off on a deep(ish) rant. but oh well, my "girls guide to taking over the world" book says that ranting is what connects girls of our generation, so there. more rant:
oh god actually i dno if i can rant much more, i'm just making myself miserable. here's the thing, though. i'll tell you a secret:
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW 2005 IS GONNA BE!!!
i'll go back to school, somehow scrape together projects for psych and history, manage to finish my english paper, get good grades in all of them but feel like i did wretchedly, and then it'll all just start again. there'll always be one class i just dread, that ruins the whole school experience. i'll sit with my friends (and some not friends that we wish would go away) at lunch, and we'll have fun but i'll always feel like something's missing, cuz it always is, and i'll go to poho and visit moogie sometimes and it will be marvelous but i'll always go into withdrawal afterwards and then through a stage where i feel like "wow, no one here loves me, no quakers love me, i ought to just crawl into a hole and die", and i'll continue being girly and giggly and making a fool out of myself and wishing i was different but not wanting to change, and who knows, maybe this summer i'll get a job, but i'll probably hate it, and silver bay will be wonderful, but will end, as usual, and it'll all start again in september and as far as i can see, there is really no point. this is NOT how i wanted to spend new years eve, but what the hell else can i do???
i just wanna go home and stare at all the junk taped to my walls and listen to the lame massachusetts radio stations and feel normal and cozy and sulky like i always do, but instead, i'm stuck in new jersey, and kirky is only a fourtyfive minute drive away, but i cant see her, that's all done with, and oooooh this sucks.
happy new year everyone.