(no subject)
Sometimes... I don't want to stand too still, or for too long in one place, because the time passing seems more obvious that way. I think about the people I'm not with, the places that I'm not in, the things I'm not doing. I can't just sit still, I can't just stand in silence. Sometimes people just need to relax, but it's harder for me and I can't figure it out all the way.
On another, slightly less related note, I'm ending it with Ash on Sunday. Maybe I should give him more of a chance now that I'm back in town, but why should I? Time is passing and I don't feel a connection. I can't wait for other people to communicate. I don't think it's fair still wanting to be with Karen so much and so often on one hand, and then playing kissy face and footsies with my boyfriend on the other hand. He and I, much like Karen and I, jumped into a relationship before we had time to get to know one another and develop a friendship. I don't think that alone is a good reason for breaking up, because I don't regret doing that with Karen. It just happened to work out pretty perfectly with her. We went on two dates and that was all we needed to realize that were... I guess meant to be together. I thought we were. Maybe we still are. I don't have to think about it. But sometimes I want to, just to dwell, and think about what could have been, what still could be.
But I'm getting on alright. Still don't have a job but I'm applying everywhere I can think of, so I'm getting there. I'm going to school next semester. I have really great friends here that I've spent so much time with I rarely seem to have time to debrief. I don't know what I would do without them. I was going nuts in Fort Lauderdale, and since my mom suggested I not get a job there after all, I was doing nothing for over a month. I was nervous about venturing onto the highways of south florida, so I didn't get a chance to or didn't bother with making friends while I was living there.
I wonder if K would freak if she found out I'm living with my dad now. She would probably be surprised, but she wouldn't know the entire situation like my mom starting to drink again and how many good friends - actually GOOD friends that I have pleasant conversations with; not jealous, manipulative friends - I have where I live now. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like catching up on life with her. Will I have changed much? Will she? Will she be with someone else, will I... maybe I will have graduated from UF by that time. Maybe she'll have her own food truck, or making bank on her jewelry. I hope she finds her perfect niche. She seemed a little scattered. Being good at so many things allows for a lot of opportunities, so I guess it's more difficult to find your place in the world.
more to come, just ranting.
On another, slightly less related note, I'm ending it with Ash on Sunday. Maybe I should give him more of a chance now that I'm back in town, but why should I? Time is passing and I don't feel a connection. I can't wait for other people to communicate. I don't think it's fair still wanting to be with Karen so much and so often on one hand, and then playing kissy face and footsies with my boyfriend on the other hand. He and I, much like Karen and I, jumped into a relationship before we had time to get to know one another and develop a friendship. I don't think that alone is a good reason for breaking up, because I don't regret doing that with Karen. It just happened to work out pretty perfectly with her. We went on two dates and that was all we needed to realize that were... I guess meant to be together. I thought we were. Maybe we still are. I don't have to think about it. But sometimes I want to, just to dwell, and think about what could have been, what still could be.
But I'm getting on alright. Still don't have a job but I'm applying everywhere I can think of, so I'm getting there. I'm going to school next semester. I have really great friends here that I've spent so much time with I rarely seem to have time to debrief. I don't know what I would do without them. I was going nuts in Fort Lauderdale, and since my mom suggested I not get a job there after all, I was doing nothing for over a month. I was nervous about venturing onto the highways of south florida, so I didn't get a chance to or didn't bother with making friends while I was living there.
I wonder if K would freak if she found out I'm living with my dad now. She would probably be surprised, but she wouldn't know the entire situation like my mom starting to drink again and how many good friends - actually GOOD friends that I have pleasant conversations with; not jealous, manipulative friends - I have where I live now. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like catching up on life with her. Will I have changed much? Will she? Will she be with someone else, will I... maybe I will have graduated from UF by that time. Maybe she'll have her own food truck, or making bank on her jewelry. I hope she finds her perfect niche. She seemed a little scattered. Being good at so many things allows for a lot of opportunities, so I guess it's more difficult to find your place in the world.
more to come, just ranting.