Mom's memorial service was today.
It was nice. Babybro gave the eulogy, which I was glad of - he did a good job, and I... just didn't have anything to say. Which was sort of par for the course, this time around. Something about the entire situation leaves me without the right words. I didn't have them for Mom, I didn't have them for me, and I didn't have them for other people. It was so strange, to have the only things I could think to do or say be all focused on practical support. And all things that took me away from Mom, to other parts of the house, or that resulted in conversations that were... mostly meaningless. I feel like it all needed to get done, and probably I was the right person to do it, and it... just wasn't what I would have chosen. Everyone else could sit around and reminisce and make small talk. And that drove me right out of the room, right up to the end, because there was always just one more thing to be done, or if there wasn't, I needed a break from all of it, which wasn't me in there supporting Mom either.
I don't know. It just sucked. I always thought of myself as a person who could talk her way through any problem, but when the chips were down, I just shut up and did. I suppose there are ways to view that as admirable, but I don't. I wish I'd been there more, I wish I'd had more spoons to spend on making memories that would last longer than any stupid chores or whateverallelse, and I wish I'd been better at fucking delegating, a lot earlier, and a lot more vociferously. And standing up for myself. I should have let things slip, and if my wicked aunt said anything, I should have laid into her the way she deserves for her interfering nastiness.
And instead, I just got out of the fucking way, and did the things that were necessary to not make waves. And maybe another day, I'll be glad Mom didn't have to listen to people bitching at each other, or worry about how things were going, but today I'm just irritated that I didn't do a better job of standing up for myself and facing down my demons, when it would have mattered.
But the ceremony was nice, and more people attended than I had expected, and the priest gave a good homily, and the readings were good, and the songs were all ones I liked, even if I couldn't do more than come in on parts of the choruses without falling into tears. So. That's done, now.
We had pictures on the TV, and on the computer screensaver, while people were here for the reception. I still find myself staring at them, off and on- we haven't changed the screensaver. It's funny how what you remember is always the most recent thing you knew, and I keep being reminded that she'd looked very different at different points, but the only thing that tells me that are her photographs, because I don't remember any of it. It's just strange. Like knowing Rock!Star!Baby! won't remember any of it is strange. I wonder what will be important when all the strangeness wears off.
I don't know. It just sucked. I always thought of myself as a person who could talk her way through any problem, but when the chips were down, I just shut up and did. I suppose there are ways to view that as admirable, but I don't. I wish I'd been there more, I wish I'd had more spoons to spend on making memories that would last longer than any stupid chores or whateverallelse, and I wish I'd been better at fucking delegating, a lot earlier, and a lot more vociferously. And standing up for myself. I should have let things slip, and if my wicked aunt said anything, I should have laid into her the way she deserves for her interfering nastiness.
And instead, I just got out of the fucking way, and did the things that were necessary to not make waves. And maybe another day, I'll be glad Mom didn't have to listen to people bitching at each other, or worry about how things were going, but today I'm just irritated that I didn't do a better job of standing up for myself and facing down my demons, when it would have mattered.
But the ceremony was nice, and more people attended than I had expected, and the priest gave a good homily, and the readings were good, and the songs were all ones I liked, even if I couldn't do more than come in on parts of the choruses without falling into tears. So. That's done, now.
We had pictures on the TV, and on the computer screensaver, while people were here for the reception. I still find myself staring at them, off and on- we haven't changed the screensaver. It's funny how what you remember is always the most recent thing you knew, and I keep being reminded that she'd looked very different at different points, but the only thing that tells me that are her photographs, because I don't remember any of it. It's just strange. Like knowing Rock!Star!Baby! won't remember any of it is strange. I wonder what will be important when all the strangeness wears off.