Creativity; myself vs. the amorphous y'all.
I'm a little afraid I'm not creative enough, somehow. I mean, I'm brilliant at derivative works, and interpretations, and twists on themes, and deconstruction, and amalgamation, and simplifying difficult things, and... all these crazy skills I have, and have demonstrated, so I can safely say it's about what I've done and not what I think I might be able to do, given the chance.
It's the part that involves originating stuff that's only mine, that I find difficult. Putting it all together into something that's really unique and interesting. But I've done that too, it's just a matter of confidence, attention, time, and practice. So I'm not sure why I'm so ready to buy into the idea that my logical, practical side is all there is to me. Obviously, I can be good at many things, and I don't really believe it's a special 1:1 tradeoff. I would actually probably be better off, exercising that part of my brain more, because there are such broad cross-section effects when you start improving new skills. And also, the improved competence confidence thing (how's that for a Freudian slip?) is a big side-benefit.
I think I really have to stop listening to other people, a bit. I recognize the irony of posting that here, in a relatively public discussion space. But it's not so much the people I'm around, most of the time -- I think they really aren't the problem. It's more ... everything. Everyone. The amorphous and omni-encapsulating y'all, who seem to have opinions that nobody I actually care about seems to share, and yet these are the opinions that inhibit my perception of myself and my capabilities.
But I'm also starting to wonder if our entire society is inescapably toxic, at some level, or if there's something I'm doing that's creating patterns. Taking the time off from work, then going back and not having to worry about the boss from hell -- I've had three of them now, and I'm starting to wonder why I attract them, and why I keep working for them for so long, when I know from prior experience how it affects my health, emotions and stability, and how much better I feel when I get out. Before that it was school that was hell, or social groups, or... It's not everyone, it's not everywhere, it's not the amorphous y'all, but I just seem to keep finding myself in specific settings where people feel like it's okay to treat each other in hostile ways. Often, where they feel like it's okay to treat me in hostile ways. I don't know how to defuse it, to get back to a healthy community, and I can't seem to detect it in advance; I feel like there's an entire toolkit I'm missing. Maybe it's just the toolkit for getting out of dodge as soon as it becomes obvious what kind of people I'm encountering. Except that I can't believe that other people spend their entire lives running for shelter. But maybe they do. I just don't know. Maybe it's better to be on the offense, and have a toolkit for running people off who are unable to play nicely. Is there a way to do that nicely, without poisoning the community and creating the same kind of cliques, just directed at people I don't like, instead of people who don't like me? I just don't know. It's very awkward.
I suspect part of it is about being able to draw firm boundaries, early and often. Like letting health stuff go until you end up in the emergency room, when it would have been easy to treat if you'd addressed it much earlier. Except instead of being sick, I end up frustrated and resentful, and it just builds until the boundaries that do get drawn have to be horribly drastic and then people get upset because suddenly there are strict rules, when there weren't any before. Not that that would help in the case of horrible bosses I've had, but it would help a lot in other kinds of situations. Such as, all of them that don't involve work, just about.
It's the part that involves originating stuff that's only mine, that I find difficult. Putting it all together into something that's really unique and interesting. But I've done that too, it's just a matter of confidence, attention, time, and practice. So I'm not sure why I'm so ready to buy into the idea that my logical, practical side is all there is to me. Obviously, I can be good at many things, and I don't really believe it's a special 1:1 tradeoff. I would actually probably be better off, exercising that part of my brain more, because there are such broad cross-section effects when you start improving new skills. And also, the improved competence confidence thing (how's that for a Freudian slip?) is a big side-benefit.
I think I really have to stop listening to other people, a bit. I recognize the irony of posting that here, in a relatively public discussion space. But it's not so much the people I'm around, most of the time -- I think they really aren't the problem. It's more ... everything. Everyone. The amorphous and omni-encapsulating y'all, who seem to have opinions that nobody I actually care about seems to share, and yet these are the opinions that inhibit my perception of myself and my capabilities.
But I'm also starting to wonder if our entire society is inescapably toxic, at some level, or if there's something I'm doing that's creating patterns. Taking the time off from work, then going back and not having to worry about the boss from hell -- I've had three of them now, and I'm starting to wonder why I attract them, and why I keep working for them for so long, when I know from prior experience how it affects my health, emotions and stability, and how much better I feel when I get out. Before that it was school that was hell, or social groups, or... It's not everyone, it's not everywhere, it's not the amorphous y'all, but I just seem to keep finding myself in specific settings where people feel like it's okay to treat each other in hostile ways. Often, where they feel like it's okay to treat me in hostile ways. I don't know how to defuse it, to get back to a healthy community, and I can't seem to detect it in advance; I feel like there's an entire toolkit I'm missing. Maybe it's just the toolkit for getting out of dodge as soon as it becomes obvious what kind of people I'm encountering. Except that I can't believe that other people spend their entire lives running for shelter. But maybe they do. I just don't know. Maybe it's better to be on the offense, and have a toolkit for running people off who are unable to play nicely. Is there a way to do that nicely, without poisoning the community and creating the same kind of cliques, just directed at people I don't like, instead of people who don't like me? I just don't know. It's very awkward.
I suspect part of it is about being able to draw firm boundaries, early and often. Like letting health stuff go until you end up in the emergency room, when it would have been easy to treat if you'd addressed it much earlier. Except instead of being sick, I end up frustrated and resentful, and it just builds until the boundaries that do get drawn have to be horribly drastic and then people get upset because suddenly there are strict rules, when there weren't any before. Not that that would help in the case of horrible bosses I've had, but it would help a lot in other kinds of situations. Such as, all of them that don't involve work, just about.