Just one of those nights
Tonight has been one of those nights where I can't stop thinking. Call it stress or just plain stupidity but for some reason there are thoughts that I can't get out of my head. There is no doubt in my head that I caused the demise of this relationship with Bryan, but now I wonder if there is anything to save. I understand that he can't have me close to him any longer cause he can't trust me. We are dating exclusively which to a lot of people is the same things as boyfriend and girlfriend but there is such a big difference. I can see the difference in him and his attitude towards me. Up until tonight i have been holding on so tightly cause i care about him so much, but then it occurred to me tonight that the longer i hold on the harder if will be for me.. i am no in any way saying that i want to break it completely off with him, but some changes do have to be made. there is a certian level of respect which i have lost for him, but i have kept him at the same old level to where i want to do everything and help him out with things. this however is something that i want to give to someone who truely cares about me and who really wants to be with me. Bryan is still struggling with that whole conclusion. there is no doubt in my mind that i want to be with bryan... there is no one else that i want to be with. to be honest i would be phyiscally sick to be with anyone else....i just want to take a step back and realize the entire situation and start to open my eyes more.. cause i know that bryan is a great guy and that i am really lucky to have him, but maybe that is my problem. cause i don't have him... i know that i belong to him in the sense that there is no one else but reall the fact is that i am single.. it is a horrible fact, one that i wish to change but for now it is the way that things are... it is time to just stake out my independance again...... i just hope that in the end of all of this things work out cause i just want to make him happy and be happy cause i am making him happy.. i guess the thing that makes me wonder is that what makes me happy is seeing him happy, he doesn't even have to do anything but just be happy and then i am so happy..l. strange cause i have never been that way before.. oh well.. who knows what the future holds. i just know that right now this is something that i want and want to work towards...