Make Believe
Another week has begun its journey into history with what feels like somewhat unseemly haste. I'm not too sure I'm particularly fond of the passage of time at the moment as it seems lately to have been pushing me ever onwards from one needless emotional crisis to the next. Indeed, for all things presently may seem relatively straightforward in contrast to the fun I had on my travels down to Sheffield and the pretend job interview which I managed to survive, I seem to yet feel my next visit to the fairy job folk next week like some ominous dark spot lurking on the horizon in my mind. Despite all I've done previously, the feeling of marching towards some inevitable doom refuses to go away much though I might seek to counter it with more positive thoughts and reminders that I didn't do so badly with all that I have done before. Sadly none of these things yet seem able to erase the sense of apprehension nor the wish to turn away from it and finds someplace to hide. In fairness I don't suppose anyone would much look forward to having to do such a thing but I also thinks it probably should be continuously feeling like blundering my ways through Shelob's lair knowing that some giant spider inevitably awaits me just around one of these corners. Oh, and nor does it much help with persuading myself to actually do the things I knows I really ought to and which I know perfectly well might in fact do much to allow me to escape the threat of being munched on by some fiendish arachnid. It feels like a bad and unpleasant thing and instinctively I don't want to engage with it. Lately then these days I find myself sitting, forcing my mind to try and engage with thinking about the things I need to do but still, quite a bit of the time, not doing them. Whatever the psychological tipping point might be to motivate me into taking action seems a particularly difficult thing to reach. I don't know if that's anything to do with my brains, or just me making stupid choices and trying to excuse myself for it, but one way or another I need to find a ways to do these things differently. I confess at the moment though I'm not really sure quite how I might go about doing that and my continued pushing hasn't really seemed to furnish me with a great deal in the way of constructive results. Mayhap I'll keep surviving but I don't expect I'm going to particularly feel much good about it, not unless I can break through whatever it may be holding me back in any case, whether that thing is myself or something other. Still, I know I should be able to do things decidedly better than I seem to be feeling it now. So I keep trying. Somehow I must make myself believe rather than being stuck in all this unhelpful make believe. If you see what I mean. Well, it sounded clever in my head when I thought of it.
In the meanwhile, the general stuffs of life go on in not particularly spectacular or always especially helpful ways. The previous week's adventures perhaps have left something of a wearied creature to begin with. I can't seem to bring to memory much of anything about last Friday, though I assumes I must have spent some time at shop. I expects I shall have been on the till though, and mayhap I'll have put some books on the shelves during that time but really that day seems pretty much a blank in my mind. Heh, I find I have to keep looking back to assure myself that the last entry I wrote was on a Thursday so indeed there will have been a Friday that came after that but I really can't seem to recall anything about it. Come Saturday though and I do at least remember that I spent a bit of time with parents around the corner. Sunday would be step-dad's 64th birthday so there were some wry discussions echoing the lyrics of that particular song by the Beatles. Chicken was also eaten. In truth though I don't really remember much else about it either. I guess my brains made use of the weekend by switching off the bits that transfers stuffs into long-term memory! Well, mayhap it's no great loss, but it sort of frustrates as well. More generally I would like to make better use of time but the amount of energies I expends trying to overcome the emotions that rise up when I has to face my not in reality very scary or necessarily difficult ordeals then leaves me without much strengths to really put into the doing of things at useful times, whether I wanted to or not. My will to do good things gets undermined from various different sides. Still, that's just the way things seem to be though regardless of how much I might complain about it. By and large though, it would helps a great deal methinks if I should find myself with a real desire for this living thing but it continues to prove a difficult thing to keep any particular hold of. Ah wait, now that I thinks about it a little more, much of the time I had with the parents was probably spent sat watching the football which I can't say was particularly inspiring either. Hm, not that I'm someone who can't find some enjoyments from sport at times but I thinks with my present state of brain weariness I perhaps got less out of it than I might otherwise have done. Then again I must confess I can't really remember any great detail from the weekend so who know, maybe I really enjoyed it! Either ways, the weekend rather passed me by somewhat I fear though hopefully that then would have allowed me to gather some greater strengths for this week and whatever might lie ahead for me.
Hm, well, as it was I fear that Sunday may have done some things to somewhat put paid to those ideas. My helper elf at the shop didn't turn up until late, apparently he had missed his bus which wasn't the sort of explanation I was much in the mood to hear after two hours on my own fending off the half-term crowds. This was especially true as for a good part of that time I had no change left in my till and being all on my own no ways to finds any more which required an extra degree of mental creativity to find me some solutions to. I did just about manage to keep myself afloat until the human turned up, although the person I perhaps feel most sorry for is the nice young woman who I had to give £6 worth of 20p and 10p pieces to. She was awfully nice about it though which was more than some humans can be. Anyways, I did rather find myself feeling somewhat worn out by the time the human got here and then barely an hour had passed before he was petitioning to go off for lunch again. Grrs. I was a somewhat grumpy puppy by the end of the day and I hadn't done anything nearly the amount of the work I had planned to do at the shop when I skipped down there in the morning. I managed to fill the shelves at least but sadly lacked the strengths or indeed much of the means to the rotation I had hoped to do after manager had clearly put in a great deal of work on Saturday in sorting out the latest delivery of books we'd had. Heh, I doubts that it really made any great deal of difference to the amount we would have sold but it still leaves me a little grumpy. This is particularly since today at the shop it meant I was somewhat behind where I would have liked to have been and though I got a good bit of rotation done today, seven large sacks of books removed from the shelves and replaced with shiny new volumes, it's still somewhat behind where I would like it to be and not mention of course the nonsensical new orders from central office. Indeed I should like to be feeling rather better for all the good works I managed to do at the shop today but I can't seem to quite take the sort of satisfaction I would like from it. Meanwhile the new system seems to have left us in the awkward position of having lots of some kinds of books and very little of others. After another new delivery coming in today we now has a mountain of romance books, but I've pretty much used up all the general fiction stuffs. Meanwhile I knows tomorrow I will be on the till and unable to do anything very much more useful to sort through the new delivery to get at the good stuffs I really needs to keep my paws on so I hope no one helpfully tidies these things away for me else I may be forced to devour them for their kindness. Ah, of course you can't expect perfect order at a charity shop but I do wish I could focus more properly on it. It is partly my own weakness and partly outside annoyances but try as best I can, this evening the barely controlled chaos doesn't quite seem as pleasing as I thinks it may at other times have done. Smrrs. Or maybe it's just the big hardback that fell off the top of the shelves onto my head today, but I don't think it's pineapple...
Erm, sorry, where was I? Anywho, amongst all this stuff there have also been Coliseum things to do of course. Not that I really did very much during my time at the Coliseum on Monday but I played around on the computers and looked like I was doing big important things. Meanwhile, the man from the new company they've got in to provides the IT support was busy doing things to the system to make them all swishy and new, or something along those lines. As yet the only the clear differences I can see is that he's put up a new desktop wallpaper though it certainly looks shinier and more technomalogical than the fun ones we had with Windows 7. Meanwhile they've also installed some new maintenance software thing which looks like it does pretty much the same stuff as every other software maintenance thing. Meanwhile they also plan to separate off the public computers in the Internet Cafe onto a separate network from the admin computers. This may or may not be wise, the intricacies of networking aren't really my field when it comes to computers, but I yet wonder if this might prevent me from accessing important works from the public computer I tend to use whilst I'm there. Meanwhile we're apparently also ordering Windows 7 Pro, though why this should be any better than the Windows 7 Enterprise version we currently have I don't know either. Still, I'm sure it's all for perfectly good and sensible reasons much as everything that happens in down in Coliseumland always is. Well, I shall be there tomorrow morning in any case to see what new madness may yet have occurred to delight and perplex. Oh, apparently I also here news there is potential we might be getting funding for the computer courses again which would allow us to start indrocinating our victims free of charge once more, but such is just a whisper as yet, much as many other things seem to be, so we shall wait and see what occurs and carry on pretending to do incredibly clever things whilst I really just to listen to last.fm radio and catch up on the latest news on Guild Wars 2 and other MMOs. All fun stuff. Then of course my focus will shift over to the shop in the afternoon where I expects I will be on the till fending off the half-term crowds once more and silently seething at the people who can't books back where they got them from and fretting over how my little pets are getting on in the back room without me. Oh yes, it's a highly dynamic and exciting life that I lead is it not, so I'm sure you'll appreciated quite how I come to be so wearied and sadly incapable of doing much of the useful things I really needs to be doing in my spare time. Hm, well it seems to be a little more than I has energies for at the moment, though life in general has long been a little more than I've been able to muster too much genuine desire for, though it's not for want of thinking that I should do! Ah well, hopefully I won't end up being too exhausted on Thursday to be able to do anything on my day off, or for that matter, too overcome with discomfort of how close to the end of the week that seems and how soon I will be back on my travels to Scarborough.
Oh well, I'm sure you've read enough of my moaning by now so perhaps I shall end with some slightly positive, if potentially pointless, news. Having posted a bunch of my Guild Wars 2 screenshots to facebook so I could bore more of my friends with my geekery, I have actually managed to find one who has indeed been starting to play it to and this has resulted in me adding my first name to my friends list. Yay! It remains to be seen quite when we'll be able to work out a time to play together but it's certainly a promising step forward and I don't doubt playing will be all sorts more fun alongside a friend. The way the game is designed admittedly it is much easier to play alongside strangers than it was in WoW, there's no stealing of kills or resources and everyone is working towards the same goal, so I've had a somewhat more social time in this game than I have with any other though because I'm an idiot I've still yet to properly get the courage to really talk to anyone for any extended period let along join a guild or anything so forward as that. Nevertheless, outside of reality, I still continue to have fun every so often. My plant person has now very nearly reached the level cap so I'm pondering trying out a new character and class pretty soon though I have grown somewhat fond of Quercus Rufus and Sandy Claws, his wolfy companion. Some of the things that make Guild Wars 2 a little odd, which I have mentioned in previous posts, still remain but there's a new update coming at the end of this month which I hopes will add some fun new content, including the continuation of the living story thing I think I talked a bit about which may, at least in the fantasy world, allow me to rise above the title of Volunteer! Well, I shall see I guess anyways. Somewhat ominously though perhaps the scheduled date for the release of the update is the very same day as my next appointment in Scarborough, but hopefully I shall yet live long enough to be able to enjoy some of the new content. In the meanwhile it is also in my mind that I am now due to make arrangements for going back to the dentist to see what is to be done about the rest of my fangs, but I haven't had much in the way of will to face making arrangements for that yet. Enough to beat myself up over not doing it, but not to actually go do it yet. All that fun will come in time anyways. Right now though I thinks puppy needs to go rests since my little pinky eyeballs are starting to feels somewhat fuzzy. In the meantime though I do hopes that all you good peoples out there are enjoying yourselves whatever your realities and unrealities might be throwing at you. I did catch an article recently that potentially, research into the Higgs Boson could throw up the possibility that in some millions of years time a new universe could possibly emerge from, and eventually replace this one, so there's something to look forward to anyways. More entertaining than the frozen eternity of heat death at least. In any case, whatever universe you good peoples may be inhabiting I do hopes it be a peaceable and pleasant one. Imma leave you methinks with a recent image taken in the course of my imaginary wanderings and whether it be in this world or some other fantasy, I looks forward to seeings you in the future. Bye for now.
In the meanwhile, the general stuffs of life go on in not particularly spectacular or always especially helpful ways. The previous week's adventures perhaps have left something of a wearied creature to begin with. I can't seem to bring to memory much of anything about last Friday, though I assumes I must have spent some time at shop. I expects I shall have been on the till though, and mayhap I'll have put some books on the shelves during that time but really that day seems pretty much a blank in my mind. Heh, I find I have to keep looking back to assure myself that the last entry I wrote was on a Thursday so indeed there will have been a Friday that came after that but I really can't seem to recall anything about it. Come Saturday though and I do at least remember that I spent a bit of time with parents around the corner. Sunday would be step-dad's 64th birthday so there were some wry discussions echoing the lyrics of that particular song by the Beatles. Chicken was also eaten. In truth though I don't really remember much else about it either. I guess my brains made use of the weekend by switching off the bits that transfers stuffs into long-term memory! Well, mayhap it's no great loss, but it sort of frustrates as well. More generally I would like to make better use of time but the amount of energies I expends trying to overcome the emotions that rise up when I has to face my not in reality very scary or necessarily difficult ordeals then leaves me without much strengths to really put into the doing of things at useful times, whether I wanted to or not. My will to do good things gets undermined from various different sides. Still, that's just the way things seem to be though regardless of how much I might complain about it. By and large though, it would helps a great deal methinks if I should find myself with a real desire for this living thing but it continues to prove a difficult thing to keep any particular hold of. Ah wait, now that I thinks about it a little more, much of the time I had with the parents was probably spent sat watching the football which I can't say was particularly inspiring either. Hm, not that I'm someone who can't find some enjoyments from sport at times but I thinks with my present state of brain weariness I perhaps got less out of it than I might otherwise have done. Then again I must confess I can't really remember any great detail from the weekend so who know, maybe I really enjoyed it! Either ways, the weekend rather passed me by somewhat I fear though hopefully that then would have allowed me to gather some greater strengths for this week and whatever might lie ahead for me.
Hm, well, as it was I fear that Sunday may have done some things to somewhat put paid to those ideas. My helper elf at the shop didn't turn up until late, apparently he had missed his bus which wasn't the sort of explanation I was much in the mood to hear after two hours on my own fending off the half-term crowds. This was especially true as for a good part of that time I had no change left in my till and being all on my own no ways to finds any more which required an extra degree of mental creativity to find me some solutions to. I did just about manage to keep myself afloat until the human turned up, although the person I perhaps feel most sorry for is the nice young woman who I had to give £6 worth of 20p and 10p pieces to. She was awfully nice about it though which was more than some humans can be. Anyways, I did rather find myself feeling somewhat worn out by the time the human got here and then barely an hour had passed before he was petitioning to go off for lunch again. Grrs. I was a somewhat grumpy puppy by the end of the day and I hadn't done anything nearly the amount of the work I had planned to do at the shop when I skipped down there in the morning. I managed to fill the shelves at least but sadly lacked the strengths or indeed much of the means to the rotation I had hoped to do after manager had clearly put in a great deal of work on Saturday in sorting out the latest delivery of books we'd had. Heh, I doubts that it really made any great deal of difference to the amount we would have sold but it still leaves me a little grumpy. This is particularly since today at the shop it meant I was somewhat behind where I would have liked to have been and though I got a good bit of rotation done today, seven large sacks of books removed from the shelves and replaced with shiny new volumes, it's still somewhat behind where I would like it to be and not mention of course the nonsensical new orders from central office. Indeed I should like to be feeling rather better for all the good works I managed to do at the shop today but I can't seem to quite take the sort of satisfaction I would like from it. Meanwhile the new system seems to have left us in the awkward position of having lots of some kinds of books and very little of others. After another new delivery coming in today we now has a mountain of romance books, but I've pretty much used up all the general fiction stuffs. Meanwhile I knows tomorrow I will be on the till and unable to do anything very much more useful to sort through the new delivery to get at the good stuffs I really needs to keep my paws on so I hope no one helpfully tidies these things away for me else I may be forced to devour them for their kindness. Ah, of course you can't expect perfect order at a charity shop but I do wish I could focus more properly on it. It is partly my own weakness and partly outside annoyances but try as best I can, this evening the barely controlled chaos doesn't quite seem as pleasing as I thinks it may at other times have done. Smrrs. Or maybe it's just the big hardback that fell off the top of the shelves onto my head today, but I don't think it's pineapple...
Erm, sorry, where was I? Anywho, amongst all this stuff there have also been Coliseum things to do of course. Not that I really did very much during my time at the Coliseum on Monday but I played around on the computers and looked like I was doing big important things. Meanwhile, the man from the new company they've got in to provides the IT support was busy doing things to the system to make them all swishy and new, or something along those lines. As yet the only the clear differences I can see is that he's put up a new desktop wallpaper though it certainly looks shinier and more technomalogical than the fun ones we had with Windows 7. Meanwhile they've also installed some new maintenance software thing which looks like it does pretty much the same stuff as every other software maintenance thing. Meanwhile they also plan to separate off the public computers in the Internet Cafe onto a separate network from the admin computers. This may or may not be wise, the intricacies of networking aren't really my field when it comes to computers, but I yet wonder if this might prevent me from accessing important works from the public computer I tend to use whilst I'm there. Meanwhile we're apparently also ordering Windows 7 Pro, though why this should be any better than the Windows 7 Enterprise version we currently have I don't know either. Still, I'm sure it's all for perfectly good and sensible reasons much as everything that happens in down in Coliseumland always is. Well, I shall be there tomorrow morning in any case to see what new madness may yet have occurred to delight and perplex. Oh, apparently I also here news there is potential we might be getting funding for the computer courses again which would allow us to start indrocinating our victims free of charge once more, but such is just a whisper as yet, much as many other things seem to be, so we shall wait and see what occurs and carry on pretending to do incredibly clever things whilst I really just to listen to last.fm radio and catch up on the latest news on Guild Wars 2 and other MMOs. All fun stuff. Then of course my focus will shift over to the shop in the afternoon where I expects I will be on the till fending off the half-term crowds once more and silently seething at the people who can't books back where they got them from and fretting over how my little pets are getting on in the back room without me. Oh yes, it's a highly dynamic and exciting life that I lead is it not, so I'm sure you'll appreciated quite how I come to be so wearied and sadly incapable of doing much of the useful things I really needs to be doing in my spare time. Hm, well it seems to be a little more than I has energies for at the moment, though life in general has long been a little more than I've been able to muster too much genuine desire for, though it's not for want of thinking that I should do! Ah well, hopefully I won't end up being too exhausted on Thursday to be able to do anything on my day off, or for that matter, too overcome with discomfort of how close to the end of the week that seems and how soon I will be back on my travels to Scarborough.
Oh well, I'm sure you've read enough of my moaning by now so perhaps I shall end with some slightly positive, if potentially pointless, news. Having posted a bunch of my Guild Wars 2 screenshots to facebook so I could bore more of my friends with my geekery, I have actually managed to find one who has indeed been starting to play it to and this has resulted in me adding my first name to my friends list. Yay! It remains to be seen quite when we'll be able to work out a time to play together but it's certainly a promising step forward and I don't doubt playing will be all sorts more fun alongside a friend. The way the game is designed admittedly it is much easier to play alongside strangers than it was in WoW, there's no stealing of kills or resources and everyone is working towards the same goal, so I've had a somewhat more social time in this game than I have with any other though because I'm an idiot I've still yet to properly get the courage to really talk to anyone for any extended period let along join a guild or anything so forward as that. Nevertheless, outside of reality, I still continue to have fun every so often. My plant person has now very nearly reached the level cap so I'm pondering trying out a new character and class pretty soon though I have grown somewhat fond of Quercus Rufus and Sandy Claws, his wolfy companion. Some of the things that make Guild Wars 2 a little odd, which I have mentioned in previous posts, still remain but there's a new update coming at the end of this month which I hopes will add some fun new content, including the continuation of the living story thing I think I talked a bit about which may, at least in the fantasy world, allow me to rise above the title of Volunteer! Well, I shall see I guess anyways. Somewhat ominously though perhaps the scheduled date for the release of the update is the very same day as my next appointment in Scarborough, but hopefully I shall yet live long enough to be able to enjoy some of the new content. In the meanwhile it is also in my mind that I am now due to make arrangements for going back to the dentist to see what is to be done about the rest of my fangs, but I haven't had much in the way of will to face making arrangements for that yet. Enough to beat myself up over not doing it, but not to actually go do it yet. All that fun will come in time anyways. Right now though I thinks puppy needs to go rests since my little pinky eyeballs are starting to feels somewhat fuzzy. In the meantime though I do hopes that all you good peoples out there are enjoying yourselves whatever your realities and unrealities might be throwing at you. I did catch an article recently that potentially, research into the Higgs Boson could throw up the possibility that in some millions of years time a new universe could possibly emerge from, and eventually replace this one, so there's something to look forward to anyways. More entertaining than the frozen eternity of heat death at least. In any case, whatever universe you good peoples may be inhabiting I do hopes it be a peaceable and pleasant one. Imma leave you methinks with a recent image taken in the course of my imaginary wanderings and whether it be in this world or some other fantasy, I looks forward to seeings you in the future. Bye for now.