A Birthday and a Birth Day
Looking back over my adventures of the past few days I cannot help but wonder if I may yet prove able to actually learn anything from my experiences. That may of course be a somewhat selfishly introspective perspective given the nature of some of those days but that's generally the perspective my nature would tend to lend to pretty much everything. You should be used to that by now! Needless to say though having done all sorts of travelling, various social things and faced a bunch of differing personal tests of one form or another with variously mixed results, it might not have made a single ounce of real difference to my world but at the very least I hopes I might be able to use this as one other thing to wave in front of my overly sensitive nerves and non-existent self-esteem to prove to myself that, hey, I can actually do stuff if I really has a go at it! I can potentially also even enjoy it too sometimes which might just also prove helpful in addressing that other awkward issue when it comes to actually wanting to do things so I can actually feel that the rewards of my efforts really could be worth the trials and the risks which my overly theatrical imagination consistently blows way out of any rational or logical proportion. As yet though I can't really say if anything like that might happen but such are the thoughts that I be trying to hold on to in the misty midst of my more regularly tedious existence. It is curious though how, to some extent, from the vantage of this chair within the walls of my little flat, how all the places I have lately been seem like another world and my activities seemingly engaged in by some other person. It probably doesn't help either that now all the noise and activity has died down I finds myself feeling a decidedly drained and fuzzy sort of puppy today whilst the sound of humans outside my door, sawing and drilling things whilst they apparently fit a new shower in the flat down the hall, doesn't really makes it a particularly easy task to keep a conscious hold on to such positive feelings. Hopefully though as I sit here in somewhat muzzy daze my subconscious may yet be mulling over recent events and, admittedly somewhat contrary to what has consistently been its unhelpfully depressive and fatalistic nature up until this point, might actually take a hold of some of the more positive lessons of these past days rather than lingering upon all the more uncomfortable moments and troubling difficulties. Well, one way or another I has to manage it if I be ever to make anything more than the odd one or two moments of worth I tend to be able to fashion from my existence these days.
As I started off on my journeys of the weekend however the major characteristic of my feelings was probably one of intense frustration. The frustration being that despite knowing full well that I was off and on my ways to go do was a perfectly good thing and an enjoyable family gathering, a message I kept thinking to myself with the loudest thoughts I could muster, yet my insides continued to be all twisty turny and unpleasant and other more unhelpful thoughts got pushed into my brain, outlandishly ridiculous scenarios of my egregiously failing on some social standard and being thrououghly condemned and banished forever. Things I knew were absolute nonsense but that kept appearing in my mind, perhaps since they were more in keeping with the excessive reactions of my intinctive nerves and thus in my head I needed somehow to logically justify the feelings in some way that would make more sense to my brain. I have the intellect to see my the unhelpful ways of my nature and yet not the strengths to overcome it. Maybe. To be fair that's more speculation than any certainty that be quite how human nature works. Anyways, I wasn't feeling too positive as I made my ways on the bus over the still slightly snowy moors, although the reassurances of various folks ringing in my ears were having a somewhat more grounding effect and I found myself feeling rather more reasonable by the time I got sat down on the train. I suppose it's only nature to feel more reassured knowing I had managed to reach the station on time and stuff, but I do ponder as to whether the world of the train itself just has a settling effect upon my senses after all the travellings I did in my youth. In any case the journey was realtively straightforward by and large, apart from a small argument with the ticket barriers at Leeds station but that was swiftly overcome with the help of a kindly train man waving his magic card. Sights of bunnies and ponies and pheasants were seemed also somewhat reassuring if the view from out the trundly little train that made a slow passage from Leeds to Chapeltown was maybe not quite as picturesque as the view across the Vale of York. Nevertheless I eventually made my way to the little station outside of Sheffield, meeting big sister and my two little nephews at the platform before we started off on our ways to walk back to her house, fortunately being met by brother in law in his car halfway through the journey and just before we would have had to tackle the steep hill!
So it was that my sister's prophecy on Facebook had soon largely come to pass and I was sat on a sofa, with a glass of wine, endeavouring to entertain the small folk if with Moshi Monsters rather than Bin Weevils as had been suggested! A little later that evening saw the arrival of brother-in-law's brother and wife, along with two more younger people, to share a social evening of foods and drinks. I would confess to feeling some degree of awkward surrounded by all these folks to begin with as I stood about, trying not be too much in the way and riffled through my brains with any small thing I might be able to add to the conversation. The persistent thought running through my mind that everyone there would somehow be thinking this silent creature just hanging around seemed a somewhat unsettling and unwelcome presence. I don't suppose anyone was actually thinking any such thing, certainly I would wish to make it seem like any of these people were in any way difficult or judgemental sort of folks and mayhap I should like to stress that these problems be all entirely my own making, my own over sensitivity and lack of self-esteem. Indeed really I should say I was very much appreciative of big sister's efforts in making me feels more comfortable and would never wish to think I made anyone else feel bad for making them think they were making me uncomfortable. The problem is all my own, but I am grateful for all the tender kindnesses may be shared by anyone. Anyways, as the evening wore on and I had drunk a quantity more pink wine I did come to feel rather more at ease and comfortable in my surrroundings and the people I was sharing it with and by and by it did become quite an enjoyable evening. So you see, I can actually do pleasant social things given the right circumstances! The wine helps of course, but then how does that make any different from anyone else much either? Hm, I may be somewhat more uncertain than most in the presence of other people but hopefully I can yet take the lesson from a nice evening that I can still finds myself having a good time with other peoples. It does yet still give me some sense of positive feeling now I thinks about it now so hopefully it may have made some difference to my overall outlook. I was also somewhat heartened come the morning on finding myself much less troubled waking in an alien envrionment, and as the children had stayed over night, with peoples who I didn't know especially well. Slightly less heartening perhaps was the bit of a squishy hangover I had from having drunk a good deal more than I be regularly used to, but overall it felt like a relatively positive morning!
That was of course the morning of my step-mother's 60th birthday so after a period of preparations involving a shower and the ironing of my shirts so that I would be reasonably presentable to the standard of my step-mother's command we set off on a walk to the bus stop through a shower of freezing rain which probably did a fair amount to undo all our best efforts to render my appearance to one of reasonably human standards! I was also feeling somewhat worn and squashed after my social evening and early rise so I perhaps sadly found myself with rather less strengths for the social activities of this day. As it was though, folks had largely more important things to occupy them as, just has also been somewhat prophesised as the sort of drama that naturally has to accompany any family gathering, that night my pregnant step-sister had begun to go into labour! Heh, so however slightly squashed and not particularly talkative I may have been feeling as the family shared a birthday lunch, there were rather bigger distractions going on than anything that might have taken place at the pub! Feeling just a bit worn and squashed as I was methinks it was something of a relief for me when the lunch was ended and we made our ways back to big sister's place but I don't doubt much more of a relief must have been felt by all when we got the news later that night that my third nephew, a step-nephew this time, had been born safe and well and on same date as his grandmother's birthday which I suppose could well be convenient for the remembering! So it turned out to have been not just a birthday but also a birth day and, as a warm glow fell over everything as the snows began to descend and my sister's kittykat sprawled out over my lap. So, though the afternoon may have been somewhat and sticky and awkward for me the news of the evening very much made up for it and, by the sounds of it, the new family are all out of hospital and enjoying the start of their new life at home. So indeed it really proved to be a positive weekend in all sorts of ways, even more so than I might have imagined it ever could have been. Congratulations certainly go to step-sister and hopefully they has a most wonderful family life ahead of them all.
Things being things though I had to return, with some degree of reluctance, back to my own life. That reluctance partly on account of the enjoyments I'd had and not being able to see the new addition to my extended family, but also a distinct awareness of the scary things that I was going to be returning to. I was then feeling a little more uncertain than I might otherwise been of making my own ways from big sister's house to make the half hour walk back to Chapeltown train station, although crossing over the motorway proved an entertaining distraction but I fortunately managed not to get run over and eventually found myself on the platform without any undue incident. The journey back was then relatively uneventful, although I was generally feeling something of a distractedly nervous beast I couldn't help but notice the quite impressive buzzard looking rather startingly massive as it swooped exceedingly low with big outstretched wings just outside of Leeds. Meanwhile as the bus from Scarborough to Whitby turned down the road to Robin Hood's Bay I was surprised to see an unusually owl shaped bird swooping through the daylit sky which, when perched on a fence post turned to look at me to reveal the unmistakably owlish face of what I could only describe as a little owl, and indeed, that be what they are called. Some bird's names may not seem quite so imaginative as others but it was the first little owl I thinks I have ever seen in the wild before so quite a magical experience in itself! Hm, it wasn't long though before that vision was behind me and I had look forward to the inevitable prospect of my return home and the stuffs I'd have to be doing over the next couple of days. The first of these, in fairness, only really slightly troubled me, and that was my rearranged appointment at the jobcentre that I would have had on the Monday. After all my travels I was quite a weried beast that evening and so the efforts of making my preparations and writing up my job activities proved rather more tiring than it needed to be. As it came to pass though, the appointment itself barely took five minuted for me to sign my name in blood before I could be aways again and have me a bit of a nap to catch up on the sleeps which I hadn't had a great deal of that night before I had me an afternoon at the shop, poking at the till whilst my glamourous assistant picked through the latest deliveries of books. There's all sorts of herding still to be done there though so I'm not going to be without stuffs to do at the shop for a while, at least when I doesn't have to ride out as a till poke. As it was though, despite the positivity of the weekend, my nerves were still obsessively fixated on the potential of the mock interview I had now arranged for Wednesday and the excess of scary that involved.
Of course though, I had chosen this for myself, personally requesting another mock interview at my last Scarborough appointment in the hope that facing the frightening thing again might eventually lead to some sort of useful outcome. I have been musing lately that one reason that my visits to Scarborough to continue to feel pretty nauseating however many times I do it is not simply because the interrogations are in themselves unnerving but also that so much of what I end up doing there is really nothing more than I do myself, explaining what I'd been doing the past two weeks and then going through the exact same websites that I have been looking for vacancies. There's so little real reward that comes from it mayhap my brain has nothing positive to feed on from the experience and so only has the negative to draw its instinctive reactions from. Thus, though nothing really terrible has yet happened to me there, my brain hasn't really learned anything different. At least the mock interview thing would be something different, something I couldn't easily do for myself and just maybe it might make myself feel a little better about my own abilities. Before that then I yet found myself feeling deeply squishy and unpleasant come the morning, after barely managing an hour of sleep after evening of mildly flappy preparations. That morning then I put on my shirt and suit and had myself a brief argument with that most truly pointless item of clothing, the tie, before I made my ways out into a frosty cold morning. Snows were just beginning to fall as I got on the bus to Scarborough and I couldn't help but thinking that this was hardly the best weather just to be wearing a shirt a jacket in and made me really wish I hadn't forgotten to bring my gloves with me! For much of the journey there I found myself in something of a fuzzy trance as the landscape of the moors slipped by and I tried to repeatedly rehearse answers to potential typical interview questions in my head and not dissolve entirely into a mad panic. As it turned out though it seems I managed to keep hold of just enough of those answers to put in a reasonable creditable performance and just about survive to the end of the experience, despite a few occasional stumbles and moments of terrifying blankness in my brain. It was a very great relief when I finally got to the end of it, but I was also quite glad not to have been too excessively terrible. Indeed, afterwards the nice man said I was very nearly all there as my performance had gone but the thing perhaps to let me down was that I gave off a certain air of unpreparedness that might seem to employer I hadn't put the sort of thought into my job interview as they might like me to have done. Heh, funny really, since I'd probably thought of very little but that in the days leading up to it, but not exactly in the most helpful ways. Indeed, I knows I could do much better in planning in a strategic and methodological way for these things but since the thinkings about it feels so unpleasant, all my senses resist doing even the preparation that would doubtless make my worries rather less if I could do it properly and make myself feel more secure in what I was going to do. A pity the nervous system can't quite seem to grasp such insights.
Still, apparently in my shirt and jacket and tie I did at least look the part, although when I happened to glimpse in a mirror just after the ordeal I could only think, really? With that roughly shaven face and clumsily tied half-windsor, would you really employ that? Hm, well mayhap I be too harsh on myself. I did get it done though, and I have shown myself that I am capable of doing these things. I only hopes that my nerves take note and allow me to do it better for the next time. I think I did end up with some relatively reasonable advice from the man on how to approach these things too for the next time, the only question being really if I will be able to subdue the reactions of nerves such that I can hold on to the energy and the will that I might be able to make suitable preparations so I can be ready and look properly the real deal for the next time. So now as I sit in my chair, in my flat, after all my adventures of the past few days I find a decidedly ambivalent sort of sensation settling down over my being. Technically I thinks I have actually shown to myself that I am capable of doing good and worthwhile things, of being social and seeing people and even making a pretty good show of myself at the job interview which, let's face it, is something of a scary to just about anyone. This be however the nth time I must have done something which ought to show my brain that I can be a capable and clever creature and my brain hasn't yet seemed to show much inclination to catch on to that fact. So doing these things remain far more of an ordeal for me than they needs to be, which yet leaves the question of whether it's something I shall ever manage to keep up for long enough to actually build to solid foundation that might allow me to keep hold of anything I did manage to actually acheive. Then I wonder, just how much is me and my oversensitive nature or just an error in my own thinking and choices. Mayhap everyone experiences life like this and I'm just really, really rubbish and lazy and stupid. Oh, but then I can do stuff. Look, I just did! Oh, but I fear however much I do it's never going to stop being difficult for me, and then it's much easier to thinks the efforts I need to put in really aren't worth the trauma. Heh, but when it comes down it, whatever other choice to I have? However difficult or easy the world and my nature might make life for me it's the only life I has to lead so I has to try and lead as best I can one way or another. Hm, so I guess that is now what I shall go and do. Methinks I has run out of strengths for further writings so I shall bid you good folks adieu for now and go amuse myself this evening with the acerbic viewpoint of Charlie Brooker on TV which should prove an amusingly wry counterpoint to my efforts to hold on to the positive thoughts and feelings I may have managed to accrue over the days gone by. Mayhap I'll poke about on Guild Wars 2 a bit later if I yet needs to avoid reality a bit more of I could skip back online a bit again later tonight and see what comments I has to reply to or turns to take in word games and highly constructive and useful things I tends to engage my free time in!
In the meanwhile though, before I leaves I do sends my deepest appreciations to all those good and kindly folk out there that have shared there supports and kindliness over the past few days. I hopes you has all enjoyed an enjoyable weekend and this week has thus far been kind. Heh, and hopes you've all had a pleasant Valentine's Day which I suppose is one event that I'm rather unlikely to ever have to need worry about ever again at least! Hm, well anyways, I'm off to sits in the unreal sanctuary of the castle of my imagination for a little while before I has to roll back on with the real world. Should any of you like to join me in either of those places you be more than welcome, but for now I bids you all farewell and wishes you only the sparkliest and fluffiest of fairy graces as you go about your own adventures. I shall return in due course to let you know how I gets on with mine. Be seeings you!
As I started off on my journeys of the weekend however the major characteristic of my feelings was probably one of intense frustration. The frustration being that despite knowing full well that I was off and on my ways to go do was a perfectly good thing and an enjoyable family gathering, a message I kept thinking to myself with the loudest thoughts I could muster, yet my insides continued to be all twisty turny and unpleasant and other more unhelpful thoughts got pushed into my brain, outlandishly ridiculous scenarios of my egregiously failing on some social standard and being thrououghly condemned and banished forever. Things I knew were absolute nonsense but that kept appearing in my mind, perhaps since they were more in keeping with the excessive reactions of my intinctive nerves and thus in my head I needed somehow to logically justify the feelings in some way that would make more sense to my brain. I have the intellect to see my the unhelpful ways of my nature and yet not the strengths to overcome it. Maybe. To be fair that's more speculation than any certainty that be quite how human nature works. Anyways, I wasn't feeling too positive as I made my ways on the bus over the still slightly snowy moors, although the reassurances of various folks ringing in my ears were having a somewhat more grounding effect and I found myself feeling rather more reasonable by the time I got sat down on the train. I suppose it's only nature to feel more reassured knowing I had managed to reach the station on time and stuff, but I do ponder as to whether the world of the train itself just has a settling effect upon my senses after all the travellings I did in my youth. In any case the journey was realtively straightforward by and large, apart from a small argument with the ticket barriers at Leeds station but that was swiftly overcome with the help of a kindly train man waving his magic card. Sights of bunnies and ponies and pheasants were seemed also somewhat reassuring if the view from out the trundly little train that made a slow passage from Leeds to Chapeltown was maybe not quite as picturesque as the view across the Vale of York. Nevertheless I eventually made my way to the little station outside of Sheffield, meeting big sister and my two little nephews at the platform before we started off on our ways to walk back to her house, fortunately being met by brother in law in his car halfway through the journey and just before we would have had to tackle the steep hill!
So it was that my sister's prophecy on Facebook had soon largely come to pass and I was sat on a sofa, with a glass of wine, endeavouring to entertain the small folk if with Moshi Monsters rather than Bin Weevils as had been suggested! A little later that evening saw the arrival of brother-in-law's brother and wife, along with two more younger people, to share a social evening of foods and drinks. I would confess to feeling some degree of awkward surrounded by all these folks to begin with as I stood about, trying not be too much in the way and riffled through my brains with any small thing I might be able to add to the conversation. The persistent thought running through my mind that everyone there would somehow be thinking this silent creature just hanging around seemed a somewhat unsettling and unwelcome presence. I don't suppose anyone was actually thinking any such thing, certainly I would wish to make it seem like any of these people were in any way difficult or judgemental sort of folks and mayhap I should like to stress that these problems be all entirely my own making, my own over sensitivity and lack of self-esteem. Indeed really I should say I was very much appreciative of big sister's efforts in making me feels more comfortable and would never wish to think I made anyone else feel bad for making them think they were making me uncomfortable. The problem is all my own, but I am grateful for all the tender kindnesses may be shared by anyone. Anyways, as the evening wore on and I had drunk a quantity more pink wine I did come to feel rather more at ease and comfortable in my surrroundings and the people I was sharing it with and by and by it did become quite an enjoyable evening. So you see, I can actually do pleasant social things given the right circumstances! The wine helps of course, but then how does that make any different from anyone else much either? Hm, I may be somewhat more uncertain than most in the presence of other people but hopefully I can yet take the lesson from a nice evening that I can still finds myself having a good time with other peoples. It does yet still give me some sense of positive feeling now I thinks about it now so hopefully it may have made some difference to my overall outlook. I was also somewhat heartened come the morning on finding myself much less troubled waking in an alien envrionment, and as the children had stayed over night, with peoples who I didn't know especially well. Slightly less heartening perhaps was the bit of a squishy hangover I had from having drunk a good deal more than I be regularly used to, but overall it felt like a relatively positive morning!
That was of course the morning of my step-mother's 60th birthday so after a period of preparations involving a shower and the ironing of my shirts so that I would be reasonably presentable to the standard of my step-mother's command we set off on a walk to the bus stop through a shower of freezing rain which probably did a fair amount to undo all our best efforts to render my appearance to one of reasonably human standards! I was also feeling somewhat worn and squashed after my social evening and early rise so I perhaps sadly found myself with rather less strengths for the social activities of this day. As it was though, folks had largely more important things to occupy them as, just has also been somewhat prophesised as the sort of drama that naturally has to accompany any family gathering, that night my pregnant step-sister had begun to go into labour! Heh, so however slightly squashed and not particularly talkative I may have been feeling as the family shared a birthday lunch, there were rather bigger distractions going on than anything that might have taken place at the pub! Feeling just a bit worn and squashed as I was methinks it was something of a relief for me when the lunch was ended and we made our ways back to big sister's place but I don't doubt much more of a relief must have been felt by all when we got the news later that night that my third nephew, a step-nephew this time, had been born safe and well and on same date as his grandmother's birthday which I suppose could well be convenient for the remembering! So it turned out to have been not just a birthday but also a birth day and, as a warm glow fell over everything as the snows began to descend and my sister's kittykat sprawled out over my lap. So, though the afternoon may have been somewhat and sticky and awkward for me the news of the evening very much made up for it and, by the sounds of it, the new family are all out of hospital and enjoying the start of their new life at home. So indeed it really proved to be a positive weekend in all sorts of ways, even more so than I might have imagined it ever could have been. Congratulations certainly go to step-sister and hopefully they has a most wonderful family life ahead of them all.
Things being things though I had to return, with some degree of reluctance, back to my own life. That reluctance partly on account of the enjoyments I'd had and not being able to see the new addition to my extended family, but also a distinct awareness of the scary things that I was going to be returning to. I was then feeling a little more uncertain than I might otherwise been of making my own ways from big sister's house to make the half hour walk back to Chapeltown train station, although crossing over the motorway proved an entertaining distraction but I fortunately managed not to get run over and eventually found myself on the platform without any undue incident. The journey back was then relatively uneventful, although I was generally feeling something of a distractedly nervous beast I couldn't help but notice the quite impressive buzzard looking rather startingly massive as it swooped exceedingly low with big outstretched wings just outside of Leeds. Meanwhile as the bus from Scarborough to Whitby turned down the road to Robin Hood's Bay I was surprised to see an unusually owl shaped bird swooping through the daylit sky which, when perched on a fence post turned to look at me to reveal the unmistakably owlish face of what I could only describe as a little owl, and indeed, that be what they are called. Some bird's names may not seem quite so imaginative as others but it was the first little owl I thinks I have ever seen in the wild before so quite a magical experience in itself! Hm, it wasn't long though before that vision was behind me and I had look forward to the inevitable prospect of my return home and the stuffs I'd have to be doing over the next couple of days. The first of these, in fairness, only really slightly troubled me, and that was my rearranged appointment at the jobcentre that I would have had on the Monday. After all my travels I was quite a weried beast that evening and so the efforts of making my preparations and writing up my job activities proved rather more tiring than it needed to be. As it came to pass though, the appointment itself barely took five minuted for me to sign my name in blood before I could be aways again and have me a bit of a nap to catch up on the sleeps which I hadn't had a great deal of that night before I had me an afternoon at the shop, poking at the till whilst my glamourous assistant picked through the latest deliveries of books. There's all sorts of herding still to be done there though so I'm not going to be without stuffs to do at the shop for a while, at least when I doesn't have to ride out as a till poke. As it was though, despite the positivity of the weekend, my nerves were still obsessively fixated on the potential of the mock interview I had now arranged for Wednesday and the excess of scary that involved.
Of course though, I had chosen this for myself, personally requesting another mock interview at my last Scarborough appointment in the hope that facing the frightening thing again might eventually lead to some sort of useful outcome. I have been musing lately that one reason that my visits to Scarborough to continue to feel pretty nauseating however many times I do it is not simply because the interrogations are in themselves unnerving but also that so much of what I end up doing there is really nothing more than I do myself, explaining what I'd been doing the past two weeks and then going through the exact same websites that I have been looking for vacancies. There's so little real reward that comes from it mayhap my brain has nothing positive to feed on from the experience and so only has the negative to draw its instinctive reactions from. Thus, though nothing really terrible has yet happened to me there, my brain hasn't really learned anything different. At least the mock interview thing would be something different, something I couldn't easily do for myself and just maybe it might make myself feel a little better about my own abilities. Before that then I yet found myself feeling deeply squishy and unpleasant come the morning, after barely managing an hour of sleep after evening of mildly flappy preparations. That morning then I put on my shirt and suit and had myself a brief argument with that most truly pointless item of clothing, the tie, before I made my ways out into a frosty cold morning. Snows were just beginning to fall as I got on the bus to Scarborough and I couldn't help but thinking that this was hardly the best weather just to be wearing a shirt a jacket in and made me really wish I hadn't forgotten to bring my gloves with me! For much of the journey there I found myself in something of a fuzzy trance as the landscape of the moors slipped by and I tried to repeatedly rehearse answers to potential typical interview questions in my head and not dissolve entirely into a mad panic. As it turned out though it seems I managed to keep hold of just enough of those answers to put in a reasonable creditable performance and just about survive to the end of the experience, despite a few occasional stumbles and moments of terrifying blankness in my brain. It was a very great relief when I finally got to the end of it, but I was also quite glad not to have been too excessively terrible. Indeed, afterwards the nice man said I was very nearly all there as my performance had gone but the thing perhaps to let me down was that I gave off a certain air of unpreparedness that might seem to employer I hadn't put the sort of thought into my job interview as they might like me to have done. Heh, funny really, since I'd probably thought of very little but that in the days leading up to it, but not exactly in the most helpful ways. Indeed, I knows I could do much better in planning in a strategic and methodological way for these things but since the thinkings about it feels so unpleasant, all my senses resist doing even the preparation that would doubtless make my worries rather less if I could do it properly and make myself feel more secure in what I was going to do. A pity the nervous system can't quite seem to grasp such insights.
Still, apparently in my shirt and jacket and tie I did at least look the part, although when I happened to glimpse in a mirror just after the ordeal I could only think, really? With that roughly shaven face and clumsily tied half-windsor, would you really employ that? Hm, well mayhap I be too harsh on myself. I did get it done though, and I have shown myself that I am capable of doing these things. I only hopes that my nerves take note and allow me to do it better for the next time. I think I did end up with some relatively reasonable advice from the man on how to approach these things too for the next time, the only question being really if I will be able to subdue the reactions of nerves such that I can hold on to the energy and the will that I might be able to make suitable preparations so I can be ready and look properly the real deal for the next time. So now as I sit in my chair, in my flat, after all my adventures of the past few days I find a decidedly ambivalent sort of sensation settling down over my being. Technically I thinks I have actually shown to myself that I am capable of doing good and worthwhile things, of being social and seeing people and even making a pretty good show of myself at the job interview which, let's face it, is something of a scary to just about anyone. This be however the nth time I must have done something which ought to show my brain that I can be a capable and clever creature and my brain hasn't yet seemed to show much inclination to catch on to that fact. So doing these things remain far more of an ordeal for me than they needs to be, which yet leaves the question of whether it's something I shall ever manage to keep up for long enough to actually build to solid foundation that might allow me to keep hold of anything I did manage to actually acheive. Then I wonder, just how much is me and my oversensitive nature or just an error in my own thinking and choices. Mayhap everyone experiences life like this and I'm just really, really rubbish and lazy and stupid. Oh, but then I can do stuff. Look, I just did! Oh, but I fear however much I do it's never going to stop being difficult for me, and then it's much easier to thinks the efforts I need to put in really aren't worth the trauma. Heh, but when it comes down it, whatever other choice to I have? However difficult or easy the world and my nature might make life for me it's the only life I has to lead so I has to try and lead as best I can one way or another. Hm, so I guess that is now what I shall go and do. Methinks I has run out of strengths for further writings so I shall bid you good folks adieu for now and go amuse myself this evening with the acerbic viewpoint of Charlie Brooker on TV which should prove an amusingly wry counterpoint to my efforts to hold on to the positive thoughts and feelings I may have managed to accrue over the days gone by. Mayhap I'll poke about on Guild Wars 2 a bit later if I yet needs to avoid reality a bit more of I could skip back online a bit again later tonight and see what comments I has to reply to or turns to take in word games and highly constructive and useful things I tends to engage my free time in!
In the meanwhile though, before I leaves I do sends my deepest appreciations to all those good and kindly folk out there that have shared there supports and kindliness over the past few days. I hopes you has all enjoyed an enjoyable weekend and this week has thus far been kind. Heh, and hopes you've all had a pleasant Valentine's Day which I suppose is one event that I'm rather unlikely to ever have to need worry about ever again at least! Hm, well anyways, I'm off to sits in the unreal sanctuary of the castle of my imagination for a little while before I has to roll back on with the real world. Should any of you like to join me in either of those places you be more than welcome, but for now I bids you all farewell and wishes you only the sparkliest and fluffiest of fairy graces as you go about your own adventures. I shall return in due course to let you know how I gets on with mine. Be seeings you!