struggles
I don't post here often. lately there's been very little to talk about that's been positive.
For starters, I'm broke. No one will hire me despite a good list of references, a trove of experience and an eagerness to learn new things. It's like since I graduated into the recession, I'm constantly fighting for jobs those who graduated with me are trying to get, and every year with each new graduating class, it gets that much harder. So the longer this goes on, the less I'm earning and the increased likelihood of being homeless becomes.
We're still taking care of Katie's mother because:
-- The waiting list at Hilton East hasn't budged and no other ALPs will adjust her SSI funding
-- Local psychiatrists are all morons and idiots. None of them have ever heard of "late onset" schizophrenia which blows my mind because it's in every intro to psyche book ever made. Not everyone will develop symptoms between the ages of 18 and 24. Don't forget, children can have it as well as aging adults. So they seems to gloss over her problems or just don't seem to be helpful at all.
-- We have her lined up for an assessment for a day-hab program finally that we won't have to pay for, hopefully. It'll get her up and moving instead of her insisting that she's actually happy in front of the TV all day.
-- we get no help from anyone. My parents sidestepped the issue every time I ask them to come over and lend a hand or at least take her out for a few hours or spend the night or something so we can catch a break for once. mind you, we've had no respite in over a year. My parents can't come up with an excuse as to why they won't help. Seriously, they dodge that when I ask them directly why they won't help. honestly, I think they are scared of her. They must think she is some sort of monster because of her illness, which is not true. She's medicated and is actually very quiet and is afraid to rock the boat. But the fact my folks refuse to acknowledge this and lift a finger to help floors me. I've barely spoken to them in over a month.
Working for the Knighthawks has proved to be very difficult this spring. between the constant gigs I'm booking as a means to earn a few extra bucks to survive and them screwing up my pay every chance they get so checks get delayed, I'm tired and broken. Sure, it's great we're heading into our third run at the championship but I'm NEVER paid on time and that really makes trying to pay for food and bills impossible. Especially when I've asked for an office job and I never get it -- because I book all of Thunder's events from home via FB or the phone, so if I can do that for free, I bet they'd prefer it stay that way.
My commitments to WEC are going to have to change. Hurray for getting a book I wrote published but I'm broke. Sure, we have to do loads of free gigs to get our name out there and whatnot but that doesn't help me pay the bills NOW, especially when homelessness could be around the corner at any point. I can't afford to drive across the state to tell a story and not get a dime for it. Heck, I can't even afford to drive across town for that. And it annoys me when I get asked to reshoot video of me in the fox suit because someone lost the footage we shot three months ago because it's not like I can just drop everything, put the suit on and leap about in front of my camera phone because I totally have free time and money to spare to do this.
At the most, I will do local paid gigs and still write but that's about it. I just can't afford freebies when I'm broke. Can't pay for gas, food, bills or rent on good intentions.
Katie is physically broken to the point where I'm worried she may take years to recover. PT was a giant flop. The idiot she was seeing was the type of moron that when you tell him what's wrong and where you hurt, they find the places you don't hurt and focus on those. He did ONE thing right, which was getting her SI joint back into place, but as to the hip, groin, shoulder, back and leg pain, he did little to nothing for it and ran out the allotted 20 appointments massaging the wrong side of her back. Yes, she's been doing the exercises he gave her to do at home and yet, she's getting worse. She can barely walk, sit, stand or do ANYTHING. I took her to urgent care yesterday because nothing was working -- no meds, no heating pads, nothing. We had hoped they'd at the very least refer us to get an MRI / CT of her hip to see why things are so wrong down there but instead, they gave her drugs and sent her home. I've never seen Vicoden and Flexoral NOT work on someone before. Not event a dent in the pain. It's unreal. So I'm going to ring up her doctor tomorrow morning and demand to get her looked at because this is bullshit. We need to stop this wait and see nonsense and get her scanned or hell, rebuild her, so she won't have to suffer through another day and not being able to walk.
I honestly can't remember that last time I felt happy or not stressed out. Life has really taking a surreal turn. I try to describe to people how miserable and mind-warpingly wild and bad things are and it doesn't seem to register. It's like, if you're not caring for someone who is mentally ill, and if you're not broken and you're not jobless and working your ass of in stinky mascot costumes, you can't imagine what it's like even if I take the time to explain it. I'm tired, I hurt, I'm constantly terrified I'm going to lose my apartment/starve, and I'm not getting any help. I'm out of ideas and running out of hope.
Maybe this is it, Maybe this is where a childhood of dreams and a college degree leads to. Maybe I should accept the fact I'm never going to get exactly where I wanted to get to in life, wherever that was, because no matter how hard you fight to make things better, there will always be some greater force out there that knocks you on your ass. Whether that force be physical injury, a shitty economy, caring for a family member because everyone else refuses to help, some combo of that or anything else out there that stops you at every turn, I guess it doesn't matter. There is no advancement or progression in a positive manor. Just decay, failure and no assistance. Once you're poor, you stay that way. This is it.
Truly, I'm running out of reasons to believe things will improve. I know how pathetic and emo that sounds but seriously, spend a week with us and you'll know why I'm posting this rant.
For starters, I'm broke. No one will hire me despite a good list of references, a trove of experience and an eagerness to learn new things. It's like since I graduated into the recession, I'm constantly fighting for jobs those who graduated with me are trying to get, and every year with each new graduating class, it gets that much harder. So the longer this goes on, the less I'm earning and the increased likelihood of being homeless becomes.
We're still taking care of Katie's mother because:
-- The waiting list at Hilton East hasn't budged and no other ALPs will adjust her SSI funding
-- Local psychiatrists are all morons and idiots. None of them have ever heard of "late onset" schizophrenia which blows my mind because it's in every intro to psyche book ever made. Not everyone will develop symptoms between the ages of 18 and 24. Don't forget, children can have it as well as aging adults. So they seems to gloss over her problems or just don't seem to be helpful at all.
-- We have her lined up for an assessment for a day-hab program finally that we won't have to pay for, hopefully. It'll get her up and moving instead of her insisting that she's actually happy in front of the TV all day.
-- we get no help from anyone. My parents sidestepped the issue every time I ask them to come over and lend a hand or at least take her out for a few hours or spend the night or something so we can catch a break for once. mind you, we've had no respite in over a year. My parents can't come up with an excuse as to why they won't help. Seriously, they dodge that when I ask them directly why they won't help. honestly, I think they are scared of her. They must think she is some sort of monster because of her illness, which is not true. She's medicated and is actually very quiet and is afraid to rock the boat. But the fact my folks refuse to acknowledge this and lift a finger to help floors me. I've barely spoken to them in over a month.
Working for the Knighthawks has proved to be very difficult this spring. between the constant gigs I'm booking as a means to earn a few extra bucks to survive and them screwing up my pay every chance they get so checks get delayed, I'm tired and broken. Sure, it's great we're heading into our third run at the championship but I'm NEVER paid on time and that really makes trying to pay for food and bills impossible. Especially when I've asked for an office job and I never get it -- because I book all of Thunder's events from home via FB or the phone, so if I can do that for free, I bet they'd prefer it stay that way.
My commitments to WEC are going to have to change. Hurray for getting a book I wrote published but I'm broke. Sure, we have to do loads of free gigs to get our name out there and whatnot but that doesn't help me pay the bills NOW, especially when homelessness could be around the corner at any point. I can't afford to drive across the state to tell a story and not get a dime for it. Heck, I can't even afford to drive across town for that. And it annoys me when I get asked to reshoot video of me in the fox suit because someone lost the footage we shot three months ago because it's not like I can just drop everything, put the suit on and leap about in front of my camera phone because I totally have free time and money to spare to do this.
At the most, I will do local paid gigs and still write but that's about it. I just can't afford freebies when I'm broke. Can't pay for gas, food, bills or rent on good intentions.
Katie is physically broken to the point where I'm worried she may take years to recover. PT was a giant flop. The idiot she was seeing was the type of moron that when you tell him what's wrong and where you hurt, they find the places you don't hurt and focus on those. He did ONE thing right, which was getting her SI joint back into place, but as to the hip, groin, shoulder, back and leg pain, he did little to nothing for it and ran out the allotted 20 appointments massaging the wrong side of her back. Yes, she's been doing the exercises he gave her to do at home and yet, she's getting worse. She can barely walk, sit, stand or do ANYTHING. I took her to urgent care yesterday because nothing was working -- no meds, no heating pads, nothing. We had hoped they'd at the very least refer us to get an MRI / CT of her hip to see why things are so wrong down there but instead, they gave her drugs and sent her home. I've never seen Vicoden and Flexoral NOT work on someone before. Not event a dent in the pain. It's unreal. So I'm going to ring up her doctor tomorrow morning and demand to get her looked at because this is bullshit. We need to stop this wait and see nonsense and get her scanned or hell, rebuild her, so she won't have to suffer through another day and not being able to walk.
I honestly can't remember that last time I felt happy or not stressed out. Life has really taking a surreal turn. I try to describe to people how miserable and mind-warpingly wild and bad things are and it doesn't seem to register. It's like, if you're not caring for someone who is mentally ill, and if you're not broken and you're not jobless and working your ass of in stinky mascot costumes, you can't imagine what it's like even if I take the time to explain it. I'm tired, I hurt, I'm constantly terrified I'm going to lose my apartment/starve, and I'm not getting any help. I'm out of ideas and running out of hope.
Maybe this is it, Maybe this is where a childhood of dreams and a college degree leads to. Maybe I should accept the fact I'm never going to get exactly where I wanted to get to in life, wherever that was, because no matter how hard you fight to make things better, there will always be some greater force out there that knocks you on your ass. Whether that force be physical injury, a shitty economy, caring for a family member because everyone else refuses to help, some combo of that or anything else out there that stops you at every turn, I guess it doesn't matter. There is no advancement or progression in a positive manor. Just decay, failure and no assistance. Once you're poor, you stay that way. This is it.
Truly, I'm running out of reasons to believe things will improve. I know how pathetic and emo that sounds but seriously, spend a week with us and you'll know why I'm posting this rant.