One Day at a Time
That's how I effectively have to start living my life when it comes to Doug. I can't continue to try to plan or anticipate anything with him. I have finally realized (with the help of counseling) that there is nothing I can do to change what he does or how he lives his life - it makes not one bit of difference what I do, what I say, what I want, what I need or how I behave - no matter what, he is going to do what he wants, when he wants with whom he wants.
What I CAN change, however, is how I behave/react/respond to his behaviour. I can stop doing things for him in an effort to make him see that it's me he should be with. I can stop getting upset over things I can't change - like his not being as much as I want. All I'm doing is stressing myself out. I refuse to let him dictate how I'm going to live my life for even one more minute - and that's exactly what I have been doing. I have been living my life for him - trying to anticipate his needs and wants and putting myself aside in the process.
Well, no more.
That's why I'm looking at this on a day by day basis. If he shows up here, fine. If he doesn't, fine. If I make plans with someone and he shows up, well, nice to see you but I've got plans, if you're still here when I get back, great, if not, see you whenever.
I have got to have a "whatever" attitude. And I have to stick with it.
And I will, because this craziness has to stop.
I know I'm not to blame for his behaviour - it's nothing that I have done, it's has nothing to do with ME - it's all about him. HE makes the choices he makes, HE lives his life the way he wants - I've just been going along for the ride, once again (as I have in other relationships) hoping that if I give him what he wants, if I take care of him, he will realize that it's me he wants to be with. Well, it's been a year and a half and I'm done. He already knows everything I do for him, and thatI'm a wonderful person and it hasn't made one bit of difference - I'm the only one being hurt here. Having his cake and eating it too hasn't hurt him one bit.
So now, it's not going to hurt me one bit, either.
I WON'T LET IT.
What I CAN change, however, is how I behave/react/respond to his behaviour. I can stop doing things for him in an effort to make him see that it's me he should be with. I can stop getting upset over things I can't change - like his not being as much as I want. All I'm doing is stressing myself out. I refuse to let him dictate how I'm going to live my life for even one more minute - and that's exactly what I have been doing. I have been living my life for him - trying to anticipate his needs and wants and putting myself aside in the process.
Well, no more.
That's why I'm looking at this on a day by day basis. If he shows up here, fine. If he doesn't, fine. If I make plans with someone and he shows up, well, nice to see you but I've got plans, if you're still here when I get back, great, if not, see you whenever.
I have got to have a "whatever" attitude. And I have to stick with it.
And I will, because this craziness has to stop.
I know I'm not to blame for his behaviour - it's nothing that I have done, it's has nothing to do with ME - it's all about him. HE makes the choices he makes, HE lives his life the way he wants - I've just been going along for the ride, once again (as I have in other relationships) hoping that if I give him what he wants, if I take care of him, he will realize that it's me he wants to be with. Well, it's been a year and a half and I'm done. He already knows everything I do for him, and thatI'm a wonderful person and it hasn't made one bit of difference - I'm the only one being hurt here. Having his cake and eating it too hasn't hurt him one bit.
So now, it's not going to hurt me one bit, either.
I WON'T LET IT.