Wolfram von Bielefeld; Kyou Kara Maou
*Earlier text exists under several of the answers, but it is text that has been casted invisible, evidently by someone with a cooler head. More politic responses are written over it*
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
This is a ridiculous question. I will not acknowledge it, nor will I respond to it.
Maou Cheese. But I've found it difficult to find dairy product attractive since my last visit with my mother I wish she would not embrace me in such a manner.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
What question is this!? I am not a mercenary that you can hire at your whim. Is this a school or merely a front for an Assassins' Guild? Moreover, from my research I have discovered that Barney is an extremely rare creature, perhaps the last of his kind. Do you take me for a dragon poacher? Therefore if I were to kill anyone, it would be Carrottop. But only if either my brother or I decide he is deserving of it, first! No, Günter, don't erase my answer! I will not lie to save the feelings of a school blathering on about cheese! I'm not pouting!
3. What time is it where you are?
How would the answer to this question influence your opinion of the quality of my character? This academy is either run by the ignorant or the mad! Günter, I refuse to continue this charade!
I am sorry, but Anissina has destroyed all the clocks in the palace in an attempt to force us to volunteer for her latest invention, The Super Duper Trooper Biclockle-Kun. As I do not wish to attach myself to a bike, placing a crown of electrodes around my perfectly coiffed hair, and then cycle at the minimum speeds of a Red Hare while the machine exploits my magical energy in order to create a laser that points out the exact position of the sun, I would rather leave this question unanswered. Do not be offended, I haven't known the time for weeks.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them?
I would sexually harass no one! I am already engaged to another, and, although he is a wimp and a cheater and a wimpy cheater (the worst kind!), I would not debase myself as to betray the union. A soldier without virtue is not a soldier at all! Furthermore, I have received enough unwanted attention that I would not wish it on another (no matter how greatly certain future adulterers might want otherwise).
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Alcohol Poisoning. If one is bar tending in the dark, it would be the inevitable conclusion, now wouldn't it? Idiots.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Whichever one he chooses, Harry had better make sure that his fiance does not think he's a foolish dork and thus would feel humiliated after that ignorant strike on the left cheek. And he must choose, and not stupidly attempt to marry both; or worse, to wed one in an unfaithful marriage! A man is meant to live in complete devotion to his special person, it is impossible to love everyone equally!
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Perhaps you spend too much time away from your responsibilities, your kingdom, and your fiance. Stop being selfish and refrain from leaving your home so much to visit this 'Japan' to go play 'baseball' and visit your 'family'. Tch, so selfish.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I am an excellent soldier with all the skills that entails. I already have magic, specializing in the element of fire. These two skills are chiefly used to protect my king when he is too naive kind for his own good. I also paint portraits and can rejuvenate the ill with a well-placed hair flip.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
Of course I have coinage from New Makoku, but if that won't satisfy you I could paint you a portrait. I will even sign it in the margin; but of course, selling it would be an insult to me. I also have a bag of Maou chocolates left, and if you are ever troubled by ruffians, I will dispatch them for you. But if you point me out to a man with a vegetable on his shirt, I will suspect a trick!
This application has been completed!
*However, the person in the sorting room bears little resemblance to the arrogant and short-tempered writer of the application. In a matter of fact, at the moment Wolfram is pale, worn, and throwing up in a basin. Why, oh why did it have to be a boat!?