I have fallen....
...I am I not sure if I have the energy or strenght to get up. I fell off the wagon bad last night and I have no idea how to fix anything and I am scared to be honest. I wish i could explain more but I am scared to post it even private for fear of judgments.
I may have also alienated my best friend of 9 years cuddles. I called and appologiesed but I also told him i wanted one because he was in the wrong too and he gave some speech about people only calling him when they need something which is BS in my case. I always call him just to talk or to hang out or because I am inviting him to dickens and I was so hurt by this.
I just want to stay home today and not do anything. Fuck Dickens Fuck Rocky Fuck everything.
I am so upset.
I will most likely not be at Gaskells.
I am tiered of the judgment, tiered of people telling me Rocky isn't lady like when more the 70% of the men in the dance scene are no where near gentlemen, I am tiered of people looking at me like I am freak because i see a shrink, or telling me I am fat or stupid or not good enough or rubbing their fucking relationships in my face. I am tiered of people making fun of me for things that i can't change....You know what? I actually like myself a decent amount of the time and if you think i am fat them don't date me and if you think I am stupid and my spelling is bad then stop reading my Livejournal because i think my body if beautiful and my face is warm and my eyes are intreguing and so what if I can;t spell, i am still a damn good writer and if you want to take the time to try and understand what i am writing then you clearly are a friend. And so what if I go to therapy?!?!?! Who doesn't? I used to hurt myself and I am trying has hard as I can to get better and some days are better then others. I didn't have parents or even friends to see what i was doing. I could have hidden it for years and years until it got so bad I was close to death but I caught it early and went to get myself help. That takes alot of strength!!! I was living 3,000 miles away from anyone who gave a god damn about me and I still got myself help and for the most part I am much happier. I still have bad days, WHO DOESN'T!?!?!?!?!?!?! We all have a day where something rubs us the wrong way...I am no different from any of you I just feel my bad days a little more and alittle longer then the rest of you.
My dad bends over backwards for Shannon and Kayvann forgetting that i have feelings and a life too and that maybe I might have asked him for something weather he remembers or not. I donno....
I will be at Dickens today. I would love to see my friends. If you are not my friend, 1) why are you reading this, and 2) just go be with your real friends and leave me alone.
I may have also alienated my best friend of 9 years cuddles. I called and appologiesed but I also told him i wanted one because he was in the wrong too and he gave some speech about people only calling him when they need something which is BS in my case. I always call him just to talk or to hang out or because I am inviting him to dickens and I was so hurt by this.
I just want to stay home today and not do anything. Fuck Dickens Fuck Rocky Fuck everything.
I am so upset.
I will most likely not be at Gaskells.
I am tiered of the judgment, tiered of people telling me Rocky isn't lady like when more the 70% of the men in the dance scene are no where near gentlemen, I am tiered of people looking at me like I am freak because i see a shrink, or telling me I am fat or stupid or not good enough or rubbing their fucking relationships in my face. I am tiered of people making fun of me for things that i can't change....You know what? I actually like myself a decent amount of the time and if you think i am fat them don't date me and if you think I am stupid and my spelling is bad then stop reading my Livejournal because i think my body if beautiful and my face is warm and my eyes are intreguing and so what if I can;t spell, i am still a damn good writer and if you want to take the time to try and understand what i am writing then you clearly are a friend. And so what if I go to therapy?!?!?! Who doesn't? I used to hurt myself and I am trying has hard as I can to get better and some days are better then others. I didn't have parents or even friends to see what i was doing. I could have hidden it for years and years until it got so bad I was close to death but I caught it early and went to get myself help. That takes alot of strength!!! I was living 3,000 miles away from anyone who gave a god damn about me and I still got myself help and for the most part I am much happier. I still have bad days, WHO DOESN'T!?!?!?!?!?!?! We all have a day where something rubs us the wrong way...I am no different from any of you I just feel my bad days a little more and alittle longer then the rest of you.
My dad bends over backwards for Shannon and Kayvann forgetting that i have feelings and a life too and that maybe I might have asked him for something weather he remembers or not. I donno....
I will be at Dickens today. I would love to see my friends. If you are not my friend, 1) why are you reading this, and 2) just go be with your real friends and leave me alone.