So
Okay. I am excited, yes.
But I am also really scared. Of surgery, because anything like this is a big deal and stuff can go wrong and I don't like not having control. Of what happens after, because what if it doesn't work. What if it does? What if I fail? And to be honest, I'm a little angry that surgery is what it's going to take, that I've failed at all other options. So I'm trying to give myself space to be upset and scared and to forgive myself for being human and imperfect. But everything and its brother has to happen between now and Friday, it seems, and a meltdown, however valid, is not in the cards.
I've spent the last two weeks running frantically to get everything in order before surgery because I can control getting it all done at work and getting the house straight and having a will and a medical proxy and etc. But I am scared, and I... don't do well with scared, and now there's just no time.
It's not second thoughts. I wouldn't NOT do this for the world. It's just a lot of what-ifs, and for a compulsive planner, that's scary.
So. I'm trying to hold myself still, and acknowledge I'm scared, and then keep moving forward, knowing all the hands that are out there if I need to catch hold.
But I am also really scared. Of surgery, because anything like this is a big deal and stuff can go wrong and I don't like not having control. Of what happens after, because what if it doesn't work. What if it does? What if I fail? And to be honest, I'm a little angry that surgery is what it's going to take, that I've failed at all other options. So I'm trying to give myself space to be upset and scared and to forgive myself for being human and imperfect. But everything and its brother has to happen between now and Friday, it seems, and a meltdown, however valid, is not in the cards.
I've spent the last two weeks running frantically to get everything in order before surgery because I can control getting it all done at work and getting the house straight and having a will and a medical proxy and etc. But I am scared, and I... don't do well with scared, and now there's just no time.
It's not second thoughts. I wouldn't NOT do this for the world. It's just a lot of what-ifs, and for a compulsive planner, that's scary.
So. I'm trying to hold myself still, and acknowledge I'm scared, and then keep moving forward, knowing all the hands that are out there if I need to catch hold.