Mar 31, 2006 07:00
I feel miserable and helpless. Someone I have been chatting with half way around the world had tried killing themselves last night. He was / is depressed about a guy that he likes that won't have anything to do with him. Edward is a recovering alcoholic that went on a drinking binge last night. I was upset with him because he was drinking so I basicly ignored him online because he got bitchy with me when I confronted him about have a few. Well apparently a few turned into quite a few. he ended leaving the followning entry in his online blog:
"I really wish I was dead. You give your heart away and get nothing in return. You spend all that time hoping and praying that the person you are involved with might change their mind and feel the same way about you. I guess it doesn't work that way, and I know that now. So once again (Surprise Surprise) I've turned to the bottle because I can't cope with being rejected. I feel like I could die. And I want to be dead. I think it's for the best. That way I won't have to go through all this agin. At least I'll be at peace and I'll have forgotten all about this pathetic life on earth."
I ended up basicly telling him the guy was an ass and a player, and he would feel better in the morning, Being gay I think of all the times I have dealt with someone mentioning they were wanting to kill them selves, either because of a man or just the simple fact thet were gay. I even dated a guy that tried it several times (brfore I met him)and he had the scars to show it. My best buddy has attempted suicide several times long before I met him. There have been times that I wish I could just curl up and die, but i have never concieved a thought about ending my own life. Maybe I'm to scared of wat comes next.
But I digress - Here is the messege from this guy this morning:
"Boy do I feel stupid. I just got back from the Emergency Room after slitting my wrists in a drunken slump last night. What the hell did I think I would achieve? Trying to hurt myself and waiting for Mr. Wonderful to show up, who clearly had better things to do. All the Doctor did was clean my wrists up, bandage them and give me a sedative to calm me down. I guess that's the price I pay for falling for someone who was never in it for love. And now I just feel numb. I want to shy away from humanity all together and live my life in solitude. Maybe I'm pathetic and weak, but I'm not taking the chance again. I won't allow myself to be hurt ever again."
along witha comment to me:
"You're right Will. He is a player, a jerk and an ass. But I love him and that's what hurts the most I guess. It's like a love triangle you know? But in this case I have a whole gay community in the next room that I can't control. I'll never win his heart. I know that. I'm just not strong enough to cope with that fact. But I miss him you know? There's not a minute of each day that I don't think of him or check my Cell to see if a msg is waiting. It's like I've banished my real life because I've became so wrapped up in him. I just don't know what to do now. Sltting my wrists was a pathetic and cowerdly thing to do. Thank god I didn't too much damage and the Doctor just put stitches on them, bandaged them up and gave me a sedative before sending me home with my parents. I still feel like crying this morning, and I most likely will start. But I have to get over this and come out the other side shining. I have a feeling why he became so distant and it finally hit me last night. It's because of my drinking problem. He clearly wants to go out with a normal person."
My heart goes out to him, I wish I can jump on the next plane and confort him(right after a lecture!), and track down the jerk that did this to him and knock some sence into him. My friend mean so much to me, and I do what I can to help them and protect them. I feel like a jerk and partly to blame for ignoring him last night. And hopefully the two of us have learned our lesson.