Depressed For Time
I'm still trying to get my act together. You know, assuming I have anything as entertaining as an Act.
I don't seem to have more than a few minutes to rub together so I can write. There for a while, I didn't have anything in me to write, and now that seems to have changed. It's not like I have all that much to write about, but at least when I sit down at the computer I can actually type more than a few rambling words in a line.
I was working on a story, and had completed it, and then I was looking at editing it to try and repair one plot hole I'd seen when I realized there was this other ginormous plot hole that one could probably squeeze a whole planet through. Of course, removing the plot hole meant I had to cut about forty pages, so I'm almost back at the beginning again. So maybe my creativity was in mourning for the part that got clipped.
I often wish I could plot using one of those newfangled plot outline thingys, but the only time I managed to get a complete plot out in the open, I no longer had the desire to actually write it. The plot outline felt complete, so there wasn't any desire to write any further, and that's specifically the problem I seem to have with plot outlines and plotting. I write toward completion, and when I achieve it, that's where I stop.
This means I plot as I write, in longhand, and if I notice something wrong, I go back and try to fix it before I continue any further. It's a long, laborious process, made only slightly easier by typing on a keyboard on a computer, but it's the only process I currently have that comes even close to working.
Somewhere in all this, that's where Skype enters the picture. Skype allows chat and phone, but it also allows file transfer, whose absence until now has been a thorn in my side. I've long needed a way to get big files from one computer to another across distances that make carrying on a flash drive out of the question. Here I am in Washington State, trying to help relatives in Oregon with their computer ills, and I don't drive. I only get into town twice a month, so communicating to friends things like TV shows has been a real bear. File transfer solves the problem.
Now, I like my friends, but my writing space is very moody. I am in one mood when I chat, and another mood when I write, and I do not switch back and forth very quickly. Maybe it's safer to say I switch to communication just fine, but changing to the mood wherein I can write takes several minutes. So when a friend wants to chat and I want to write, I don't get much writing done. For this reason, I've been keeping Skype off the past couple of days when I actually want to write. I'm not trying to be unfriendly, but I need to get some writing in, and I can't do it with Skype up.
Yes, I have codependency issues. And?
I cannot seem to get myself together regarding these hard drives, either of them. _pollox handed me a large external hard drive filled with pretty things, and an internal hard drive I have not actually managed to install in a computer yet. I know in the front of my brain that the one way I can resolve this entire issue is by installing the internal hard drive into the XP box and then do a flat transfer of files from the external, but something in the back of my brain is interfering. Not only that, it's interfering with every process, and I don't know what this is about, what's at the core of this problem. I can't write, I can't clean the house, I can't eat or drink, I can't shop for xmas and birthday goods, I can't do chores in any sort of timely way, and I can't organize. I'm having difficulty typing right now. I seem to be trying to type on the keyboard my fingers are sure exists between the keys of this current keyboard.
It used to be I read a lot, but now I hardly read at all. The older I get, the worse this gets.
I used to watch TV and movies. Lately it's gotten to where to get through an hour-long TV show, it takes an average of three hours, because my aversion to social embarrassment is so prevalent in TV and movies these days. It's like panic. I have the clear choice of either stopping the show or leaving the room, with no other choices.
I don't know what's happening or why. This entire experience has been haunting me for decades, and is the reason I'd considered suicide at one point.
I should stop. I have specific things I need to do.
I have to install that hard drive, first and foremost.
Then I need to transfer the files.
Then I need to pack up the external for transport.
After that, if I want, I can write.
Somewhere before I do any of this I'm going to finish watching Max Payne, which may be a mistake, just based on how much time that may take. I'm halfway done with the movie, though. That has to count for something.
Then I have chores, which I suppose I need to do before writing.
I don't seem to have more than a few minutes to rub together so I can write. There for a while, I didn't have anything in me to write, and now that seems to have changed. It's not like I have all that much to write about, but at least when I sit down at the computer I can actually type more than a few rambling words in a line.
I was working on a story, and had completed it, and then I was looking at editing it to try and repair one plot hole I'd seen when I realized there was this other ginormous plot hole that one could probably squeeze a whole planet through. Of course, removing the plot hole meant I had to cut about forty pages, so I'm almost back at the beginning again. So maybe my creativity was in mourning for the part that got clipped.
I often wish I could plot using one of those newfangled plot outline thingys, but the only time I managed to get a complete plot out in the open, I no longer had the desire to actually write it. The plot outline felt complete, so there wasn't any desire to write any further, and that's specifically the problem I seem to have with plot outlines and plotting. I write toward completion, and when I achieve it, that's where I stop.
This means I plot as I write, in longhand, and if I notice something wrong, I go back and try to fix it before I continue any further. It's a long, laborious process, made only slightly easier by typing on a keyboard on a computer, but it's the only process I currently have that comes even close to working.
Somewhere in all this, that's where Skype enters the picture. Skype allows chat and phone, but it also allows file transfer, whose absence until now has been a thorn in my side. I've long needed a way to get big files from one computer to another across distances that make carrying on a flash drive out of the question. Here I am in Washington State, trying to help relatives in Oregon with their computer ills, and I don't drive. I only get into town twice a month, so communicating to friends things like TV shows has been a real bear. File transfer solves the problem.
Now, I like my friends, but my writing space is very moody. I am in one mood when I chat, and another mood when I write, and I do not switch back and forth very quickly. Maybe it's safer to say I switch to communication just fine, but changing to the mood wherein I can write takes several minutes. So when a friend wants to chat and I want to write, I don't get much writing done. For this reason, I've been keeping Skype off the past couple of days when I actually want to write. I'm not trying to be unfriendly, but I need to get some writing in, and I can't do it with Skype up.
Yes, I have codependency issues. And?
I cannot seem to get myself together regarding these hard drives, either of them. _pollox handed me a large external hard drive filled with pretty things, and an internal hard drive I have not actually managed to install in a computer yet. I know in the front of my brain that the one way I can resolve this entire issue is by installing the internal hard drive into the XP box and then do a flat transfer of files from the external, but something in the back of my brain is interfering. Not only that, it's interfering with every process, and I don't know what this is about, what's at the core of this problem. I can't write, I can't clean the house, I can't eat or drink, I can't shop for xmas and birthday goods, I can't do chores in any sort of timely way, and I can't organize. I'm having difficulty typing right now. I seem to be trying to type on the keyboard my fingers are sure exists between the keys of this current keyboard.
It used to be I read a lot, but now I hardly read at all. The older I get, the worse this gets.
I used to watch TV and movies. Lately it's gotten to where to get through an hour-long TV show, it takes an average of three hours, because my aversion to social embarrassment is so prevalent in TV and movies these days. It's like panic. I have the clear choice of either stopping the show or leaving the room, with no other choices.
I don't know what's happening or why. This entire experience has been haunting me for decades, and is the reason I'd considered suicide at one point.
I should stop. I have specific things I need to do.
I have to install that hard drive, first and foremost.
Then I need to transfer the files.
Then I need to pack up the external for transport.
After that, if I want, I can write.
Somewhere before I do any of this I'm going to finish watching Max Payne, which may be a mistake, just based on how much time that may take. I'm halfway done with the movie, though. That has to count for something.
Then I have chores, which I suppose I need to do before writing.