[One-Shot] With Eyes Shut Tight
This fic has literally been sitting in my folder for a few weeks now. :X But anyway. Yeah I finally decided to post it. ^^ So... Here goes. :/
Title: With Eyes Shut Tight
Disclaimer: None of the boys belong to me, and this is purely a work of fiction.
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Nakamaru/Jin (with Nakamaru/Ueda, Jin/Kame)
Warnings: Slash, M/M sex, angst, swearing, OOC
Word count: ~7k
Summary: Jin has an inexplicable attraction to Yuichi, but both of them are already attached to different people. Jin tries to fight his own feelings and get rid of his strange obsession. The fact that Yuichi is being so considerate and thoughtful isn’t helping, at all.
He was with Kame. He didn’t need to think about Yuichi. It was a simple truth that wasn’t hard to grasp. Right? Right.
Jin realized with a jolt what he was thinking, and hastily brushed the thought away. Where did that come from, anyway. He turned and glanced at Kame, who was happily picking out things to buy after he pulled Jin through the doors of the shop of his favourite label. Jin smiled. It was amazing how adorable Kame could be at times.
They had known each other for a long time, but had only got together recently. Throughout the six months of not seeing Kame and his other four band-mates because he was on a study trip overseas, Jin had thought of him everyday. And he knew very well that Kame was going through the same situation as he. So when Jin returned, they sealed their relationship with a strong embrace. They had been dating ever since.
It was also during this time, however, that Jin found that he missed being around Yuichi. He had never known that Yuichi’s presence affected him so much.
Jin caught Kame looking his way, and grinned widely back at him. Then a thought sprung up in his mind.
Before he left for his study trip, Jin had made a promise with Kame. He was to concentrate on his studies, and Kame was to focus on his acting projects. They would both produce good results in their respective priorities. Then, six months later, they would be together again. Other than the rare monthly phone call they made to spur each other on, they did not have any other contact. Of course Jin would miss Kame.
Yuichi had always been on good terms with Jin. And being the oldest, and most mature of all of them, Yuichi had always been someone Jin looked to for advice. Even though Jin frequently bullied Yuichi, he knew that Yuichi would never take it to heart. His bullying Yuichi never stopped, because every other day one of them would call the other, and give each other updates on their lives. In fact, it had become some sort of necessity. Jin just wouldn’t feel right if he didn’t call Yuichi names and laugh at his adorable resigned expression for a day.
The lack of Yuichi from his life, from all the exclusive dates with Kame, was finally starting to register with him.
+++
“How was your Hokkaido trip?” Junno asked.
It was the first time Jin was meeting up with his band-mates in a few weeks. But apparently he had been missing out on a lot. Perhaps the other four had met up on their own without him and Kame, thinking that it wouldn’t be nice to intrude on their romantic dates. “Hokkaido?”
“Yeah! Nakamaru-kun and Uepi went to Hokkaido together last week!” Junno said, his manner ever so enthusiastic.
“Really, Tat-chan? You never told me,” Kame said, raising his brows at Tatsuya.
Tatsuya and Yuichi looked at each other and smiled.
“It was a last minute decision, actually,” Yuichi said.
Jin noticed that Yuichi had very casually wound his arm around Tatsuya’s waist. He pretended to be preoccupied with his food as he glanced at Yuichi from the corner of his eye.
“Tatsuya wanted to - Jin, are you alright?”
Jin looked up to find five pairs of eyes on him. “Uh…”
“Your knuckles are really white,” Yuichi said, concerned.
“Oh! The chilli is really hot,” Jin replied weakly, gesturing to the chilli sauce that came with the basket of fries, in an attempt to direct everyone’s gaze away from himself. He could almost feel his face become hotter.
Kame handed him a glass of iced water.
Jin thanked him and downed the entire glass in a few seconds. He ignored the chatter going on amongst the others for a while, and was glad he did. Yuichi and Tatsuya were apparently recounting some of their more interesting experiences on their trip. Jin didn’t particularly feel like commenting, or even listening, for that matter.
After that, Junno had suggested pool, and Kame had told them to start playing first. Jin was still lost in his own thoughts, and Kame saw that he probably wouldn’t want to play. There were no empty tables near where they were sitting, so Junno and the other three took their mugs of beer with them to a table further away.
“You guys can take over from us later,” Koki told Kame.
Kame grinned, “Sure! See you guys in a bit.”
Koki nodded then headed in the direction Junno, Tatsuya and Yuichi had gone.
“Jin? You really alright?”
“I’ll probably be, in a while.”
Kame smiled and ran his fingers through Jin’s hair, before cupping the back of his head. “You poor boy,” Kame said, looking into his eyes.
Jin managed a smile despite himself. “I would be richer if not for you.”
“Hey!” Kame protested, letting go of Jin immediately.
Jin traced his fingers along the side of Kame’s face. “Kazu, Kazu, Kazu. You’re so adorable, you know that?”
Kame made a face at him.
Jin chuckled. “I’m going to the bathroom. Will be right back.”
Kame nodded.
Jin got off his seat and went towards the bathrooms. A door led into a darker passageway where both the ladies’ and the gents’ were.
Once he entered the passageway, though, Jin didn’t see the bathrooms. He saw two men making out ardently. He was about to ignore the sight, then he heard someone rasp “Yucchi”. Jin did a double take and took a second look at the two men. Yuichi and Tatsuya.
Then Jin half-ran and half-stumbled into the gents’.
He had been trying to believe that Yuichi and Tatsuya went on the trip together because they were really very good friends. And he had been trying to believe that Yuichi put his arm around Tatsuya like he did because they were really close pals. What he didn’t believe, or did not want to believe, was that somehow Yuichi and Tatsuya had ended up together. And it now seemed to him that they were in a stage of their relationship where he and Kame hadn’t even neared.
Jin’s hands gripped the edge of the glass basin tightly as he hung his head. His breathing was rapid and his eyes were closed. He tried to shut out the images invading his mind, but was helpless against them. He knew that throughout the past couple of weeks, he had been increasingly bothered by random bouts of thoughts of Yuichi inundating his mind. It seemed that his seeing Yuichi in the flesh had completely caused his mind to whir into overdrive with the overwhelmingness.
Jin released his grip, then splashed the cold running water on his face. He had to get back to Kame soon, or else Kame would be worried and then go looking for him. There was no way he could let Kame see him like that. Jin looked at himself in the mirror. “Akanishi Jin, get a grip on yourself,” he muttered. He stared at himself for half a minute more, before grabbing some paper towels to wipe the water off his face.
He was going to go back to Kame and be the perfect boyfriend again. Then he remembered. He was probably going to pass Yuichi again. And Jin certainly didn’t think that he would be done with whatever he was doing with Tatsuya yet. But he still needed to get back to Kame. So he took a deep breath, opened the door and stepped out of the gents’. Head lowered, he attempted to make his way out the passageway and back into the pub.
“Jin?”
Jin could think of a thousand curse words he wanted to spout right then. He forced a smile onto his face and looked up. Yuichi and Tatsuya seemed, fortunately for him, not as eager to jump each other’s bones at that very spot anymore. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
“I’ll leave you guys to talk. It’s probably my turn to take over from Koki,” Tatsuya beamed at Yuichi, shot Jin a warm smile, then left.
Jin watched as Yuichi’s gaze followed Tatsuya until he disappeared from sight. Then abruptly Yuichi turned back to him and Jin almost jumped, startled from the sudden intensity of Yuichi’s eyes, which were then focused on him. Jin stared back at him.
“Uh… Jin?”
Jin blinked and immediately looked away. What exactly was he doing, looking at Yuichi like that? “I’m fine, really.”
“You know, if you really have any problems, you can always come to me.”
“I don’t have any.” Jin snapped. Regretting his sharp reply instantaneously, he tried to pretend that everything was really fine by hitting Yuichi’s head, which was something he always liked to do.
Yuichi chuckled and patted Jin’s head. “Good boy.”
Jin slapped Yuichi’s hand away and gritted his teeth at him. “I’m going back to Kame,” he said in a sulky voice and made his escape before Yuichi could even get in a sentence in reply.
Making his way through the crowd back to where Kame was waiting, Jin almost heaved a sigh of relief. Perhaps if he resumed the regular contact with Yuichi, he wouldn’t have such weird feelings anymore. Right. That was all he needed to do, and so he would.
+++
Jin signalled to the bartender to get one more mug of beer for him. He would have gladly lit a smoke, but he forgot his pack on the way out. Alcohol would have to do for the time being.
It had been more than a week. And throughout this time, Jin had stuck with his plan of randomly contacting Yuichi, like he used to do when he was overseas, though all they talked about these days was work. So far, it wasn’t working. Jin knew he was in deep shit. Everything was starting to go wrong for him ever since he returned. Probably he shouldn’t have at all.
He twiddled with the pinky ring he had on his right finger. He and Kame had bought their pinky rings together way back, and had been wearing them ever since. Just what had gone so wrong during those six months that he had started to doubt his feelings for Kame? And even worse, begin to feel something for someone else? Granted that someone else wasn’t just anyone, but Jin just didn’t feel right. Yet when he tried to recall when he might have started having such a strange reaction towards Yuichi, no events came to mind. Nothing.
If this went on, what was he supposed to tell Kame?
“Jin?”
Jin shut his eyes. No, this wasn’t happening to him. No. No. No-
“Jin, you’re here alone?”
Jin opened his eyes. The man he least wanted to see in the world right then had just sat in the barstool next to him and ordered a beer. He nodded reluctantly. Kame had filming, which was why he could even be sitting at a bar and downing alcohol like water.
He was expecting a reply of sorts from Yuichi, but there wasn’t. Which was really weird. He glanced sideways, and saw that Yuichi did not exactly look too happy either. “You’re here alone too.” It came out sounding more like a statement than a question.
“Yeah. I guess we’re somewhat in the same predicament?” Yuichi said, gesturing to Jin’s beer.
“Perhaps.”
Yuichi raised his mug, “Cheers, then.”
Jin clinked his mug with Yuichi’s and finished the remainder of his beer at one go. He saw that Yuichi did the same thing, except he started out with his mug full. “I suppose it’s my turn to ask if you are alright?” Jin said.
Yuichi grinned. “Funny, I never expected to hear something like that coming from you.”
Jin knew he was blushing, and was glad that the dim lighting where he was sitting wouldn’t give it away. “I, er, I’m not always a jerk, you know.”
“Of course you aren’t,” Yuichi smiled, hitting his head. “Bakanishi.”
“HEY!” Jin retorted, punching Yuichi’s arm.
Yuichi laughed, “All right, all right.”
There was awkward silence between both of them again, and Jin was the one who broke it again. Somehow the atmosphere and perhaps the liquid courage made him say something he never thought he would, and was finally, a topic that was not related to work. “I never knew you were… you know, the same as me.”
“Gay, you mean?”
Jin nodded.
“I don’t know if I really am either. So far, Tatsu’s the only guy who… attracts me.”
“Oh,” was all Jin could manage without revealing any emotion in his voice. He couldn’t think of a better reply Yuichi could give to erase any hopes Jin knew he was starting to harbour.
“Funny how you’d bring that up today. We were just… quarrelling about that.”
“Oh,” Jin said again, “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’ll probably be over in a day or two. I just needed some time alone to clear my head and sort out my thoughts.” Yuichi turned to look at Jin. “And you?”
“Me?”
“You’re here alone, too. Doesn’t that kind of… say something?”
“I…” Jin couldn’t possibly tell Yuichi. Yet all the beer he had been drinking since two hours ago had fogged his brain too much for him to think of something clever to say. “I think I might be in love with someone else.”
Jin spoke so softly it took Yuichi a few moments to understand what he had just said. “You… what? And… Kame…?”
Jin shook his head. “He doesn’t know. In fact, I don’t even know myself. I mean, I know I still love Kazu. But… Fuck. Why am I telling you this anyway?” The alcohol was getting to his brain and he really needed a smoke desperately. But even if he brought his smokes, he was not really keen on the idea of smoking in front of Yuichi.
Yuichi placed his hand reassuringly on Jin’s shoulder. “You can tell me anything you want. I’ll help you if I could. If not… I’ll just listen.”
Jin’s vision was starting to blur, although it was not like he cared, because he continued glugging beer. He brushed Yuichi’s hand away. “I can’t.”
Yuichi appeared mildly shocked by Jin’s reaction. “Maybe I should leave you to your own thoughts, then?” He got up to leave.
“No! I mean… I don’t mean that. I just… I just can’t tell you about… this.”
Yuichi settled back into his seat, nodding. “Sure. I only wanted to let you know that I’ll always be here if you need someone.”
Jin did not want to reply. He had no confidence that he could form a proper sentence that wouldn’t scare Yuichi away. So Jin picked up his mug and drank. He knew he probably did look like he already had too much to drink, but it wasn’t like he wanted to care about it.
Yuichi seemed to sense that Jin was not in a talking mood then, so he didn’t speak either. It was when Jin started ordering shot after shot that Yuichi finally stopped him. “Jin. You really shouldn’t be drinking anymore.”
“Go away,” Jin said, though he wasn’t sure if it came out sounding like that. A few moments later, Jin wasn’t sure what had happened anymore.
+++
Jin opened his eyes, and deduced he had to have blacked out for a few minutes, because he was in a taxi with Yuichi. Then he noticed that his head was resting on Yuichi’s shoulder. And… fuck, he was holding Yuichi’s hand, fingers interlaced. He entertained the thought of withdrawing immediately and moving away for all of two seconds.
Hell, he was drunk and passed out. Surely that was enough reason for holding hands and all, right?
The next thing Jin knew, he was standing outside his apartment and Yuichi seemed to be asking him something. “… Wha…?”
“I said, where’re your keys?”
“Keys?” Jin used the hand that wasn’t slung around Yuichi’s shoulders to fish out his bunch of keys. He handed them to Yuichi.
Yuichi was just going to open the door when Jin’s arm slipped and Jin fell onto the floor. He bent down in an attempt to help Jin up.
Jin did not let that happen. He pulled Yuichi and the lack of warning caused Yuichi to fall on his knees. Jin yanked Yuichi’s arm so Yuichi got closer to him. Before Yuichi could react, Jin stretched upwards and kissed him. It was only a lips-on-lips kiss, and it lasted no longer than three seconds because Yuichi jerked his arm out of Jin’s grip and stood up immediately. Jin shut his eyes tightly as his head hit the floor. What had he done now?
“Jin. Just… Can you get up?”
Jin thought that if he didn’t open his eyes, he could pretend all that didn’t just happen.
“Jin… Please?”
No! Jin’s brain shouted. If he opened his eyes and got up, Yuichi would definitely leave. Then Jin’s cell rang. “Fuck,” he muttered inaudibly.
“Jin, honestly, I’m going to leave. Now. Just… get yourself together.”
Jin snapped back into reality. “No! Wait! I’m sorry… Could you not leave… yet?”
Yuichi watched Jin as he tried to get up. He succeeded somewhat, except he was leaning against the wall, obviously not able to stand without assistance. Yuichi nodded. “Alright.”
Jin reached into his pocket and took out his cell. Oh, double fuck. It was Kame. At bloody two in the morning. He couldn’t possibly pick up the call. He knew he sounded drunk because, well, he was drunk. And Kame was not going to be happy. Besides, Yuichi was right there.
“Go into your apartment to talk. I’ll be here.”
Why did Yuichi always have to be so considerate? Jin stumbled inside and pressed the Answer button. It wasn’t like he had a choice.
“Kazu-chan?”
“Jin! What took you so long?”
“I uh… was in the bathroom. I… thought you weren’t going to call anymore because it’s so late.”
“I just finished today’s shoot. I’m going home now.”
“Okay… Please be careful, alright? It’s so late now.”
“Yeah I will. Are you coming to visit me on the set tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Love you.”
“… Me too. Good night, Kazu.” Jin hung up. And promptly wished he would just die of alcohol overdose so he wouldn’t have to face whatever was coming for him, which he knew wasn’t going to be lovely at all. He took a deep breath and headed out the door, leaning against the wall for support. He stopped in the doorway and placed his hand on the doorframe.
“If you’re alright, I guess I’ll get going.”
“I suppose I am… But…”
“Jin, I expect you’ll know the answer to whatever question you want to ask me.” Yuichi turned to leave.
Jin, slightly swaying from the effects of the alcohol, reached out to grab Yuichi’s hand. To his surprise, Yuichi didn’t shake his hand off straightaway. Jin heard him sigh instead.
“Jin.”
“Just one kiss? Please? Yucchi?”
“Jin, I think you had a drop too much.” Yuichi said curtly and pushed Jin’s hand away. “Go inside now.” He didn’t turn to look at Jin anymore as he walked away from Jin.
Jin stood in his doorway for a long time after that.
+++
“Yucchi? I need to talk to you. Do you suppose we could have lunch together?”
“I was supposed to… oh, never mind. Yes, sure, just give me a time and a place.”
Jin chose a place they frequented and idled his time away till it was time to get out to meet Yuichi. Amazingly, he had woken up feeling fine. The only sign of him drinking too much the day before was a very mild headache that barely affected him.
Jin had arrived first, so he took a seat inside the café to wait for Yuichi. He waited for quite some time and had just convinced himself that he should just leave because Yuichi wouldn’t turn up when he saw Yuichi enter the café. Jin waved to him. Yuichi nodded and headed his way.
Yuichi had barely gotten seated when Jin said, “I’m sorry.”
Yuichi shook his head. “Nah, don’t worry about it. You were drunk.”
“Yeah… I was… drunk.” But I knew what I was doing back then.
“Just forget about it, okay?”
Jin nodded. “Yes, of course.”
So they had lunch and then parted ways. Jin didn’t want to dwell on the fact, but he assumed that Yuichi was going to meet Tatsuya. After all, he did say they had a quarrel yesterday. Surely they needed to iron things out.
And why was he thinking about Yuichi AND Tatsuya again? It was the exact thing he should think about less if he wanted to get out of this weird knot his heart had gotten itself into.
They would never be more than friends, Jin knew from the way Yuichi had spoken earlier. If he continued acting like a fool in love, it would only be a matter of time before he caused everyone involved to fall apart.
Jin put on his happy face and walked through the doors of the building Kame was having filming at. Kame was having a break when Jin found him. He waved to him and Kame returned a wave before heading towards him.
“How’s filming?”
“So far it’s been great. The crew’s really nice.”
“You tired?”
“I was, but not anymore,” Kame said, somewhat bashfully.
Jin wanted to grin but somehow his lips just refused to curve into one. So he settled for a very fleeting, forced smile.
“How about you? You don’t look too good.”
“Yeah, I’ve been having a nagging headache since last night.” And since when did his lies roll off his tongue so easily like he was a natural? The even more disturbing thought was, when did he even start lying to Kame?
Kame ruffled his hair. “You poor thing. Should have just stayed at home instead then.”
“Nah. I wanted to see you.” Another one. Jin was becoming a pro at this.
Kame smiled. “I’ll treat you to dinner later. Today’s shoot will wrap up early.”
“I was just waiting for that.”
Kame hit Jin’s head.
This time, Jin’s smile was genuine. Perhaps if he tried harder… He wouldn’t mess up everything after all.
+++
It was futile. A fortnight had gone by. While there was, at least, no significant downturn in Kame and his relationship, Jin realized he was pining for Yuichi. Kame knew there was something wrong with Jin, but he just assumed it had to do with a high fever Jin had a few days before that he hadn’t completely recovered from. And Jin was glad for that excuse.
Kame was going out of town a few days for an off location shoot. Jin knew there was no better time. He had to see Yuichi and he had to see him right away. He hadn’t heard Yuichi’s voice, much less see him, ever since that afternoon they met after his drunken night. Junno, Koki and even Tatsuya went to visit him when he had that exceptionally high fever. Yuichi never turned up.
“I need to see you.” Jin knew he sounded desperate and he was almost sure Yuichi would turn down his request.
But Yuichi said, “Where?”
“The same bar,” Jin said.
“I’ll be there when I’m done with my stuff.”
“You… You will appear, right?”
“I will.”
“Okay. See you.”
“Yeah,” and Yuichi hung up.
Jin stared at Yuichi’s name on the screen of his cell phone until it grew out of focus. Everything that had started from there had to end. Tonight.
+++
He tried really hard not to drink a lot. He really did. But he had been sitting there for three hours and Yuichi was still not there yet, which led him to think that Yuichi had said all that just to play along with him. Jin got up from his stool and attempted to walk to the bathrooms.
He managed to stumble all the way to the door leading to the bathrooms before he lost his balance and fell, pulling a girl along with him. The girl shrieked and Jin belatedly realized that he had unfortunately pinned her to the ground with his weight. He muttered a curse under his breath and tried to get up. He didn’t need to try a lot of times because someone yanked his collar and then hauled him up.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” The someone snapped at him, still holding him up by his collar.
Jin felt the wafts of the man’s breath on his face and cringed in disgust. “I fell.”
“YOU FELL? HAH! Didn’t seem like it! You were trying to take advantage of my girl, weren’t you?”
The man was speaking with a slur, Jin noticed. He also noted that the man wasn’t exactly very big or burly. In fact, he looked shorter than Jin. Which said a lot because right then Jin felt dwarfed by the man’s oppressiveness. “I… I lost my balance.”
The man snorted. The few friends with him drew closer.
Jin was starting to feel afraid. “Okay, look, I… I’m gay. I don’t like girls.”
The man sneered. “If everyone tells me that, won’t I be very disadvantaged?” Then he slowly released his grip on Jin’s collar, but turned to his friends and said, “Let’s get him outside.”
Jin’s eyes widened. “No! It’s true! I swea-”
“So how did my boyfriend offend you?”
“He tr- what?” The man released Jin abruptly with a start.
Yuichi pushed his way past the friends and stopped beside Jin, putting his hand around Jin’s waist to support him.
“Your boyfriend?” The man laughed. “Honestly, I’ve seen these acts too many times. Guys, let’s-”
“He doesn’t believe,” Yuichi said in mock-amusement to Jin.
Jin wanted to faint. Yuichi was wearing a leather jacket - surprise, surprise, no argyle - and skinny jeans that hugged his legs and everywhere else far too tightly and he had a pair of sunglasses stuck in his hair. By the time Jin had taken in the gorgeousness that was Yuichi in front of him, he had completely forgotten about the man who was threatening to beat him up, who would have noticed that Yuichi looked absolutely gay in that get-up if he had studied Yuichi more closely. “Where have you been?” Jin was fully aware that his voice came out sounding weirdly hoarse.
“Bloody costume party. My friend’s birthday,” Yuichi mumbled, and Jin knew his gaze wasn’t on him because Yuichi was discreetly watching the movements of the men surrounding them.
“Fucking hell, you-” Jin couldn’t finish his sentence that he barely started, because Yuichi suddenly changed his position so they were facing each other, and kissed him.
Yuichi’s hands rested on Jin’s butt, and he was pressing Jin to him.
Jin kissed him back fervently, his tongue probing the depths of Yuichi’s mouth. He could hardly care about the lack of Yuichi’s tongue in his mouth, or about all that frottage that was bound to give away the hardness that was growing in his pants. Jin cupped the back of Yuichi’s head as he tried to get even closer to him. The fact that they were in a bar full of people was nowhere close to the top of his mind anymore. Jin didn’t know how long they kissed, but he knew that he wasn’t content. He wouldn’t be even if they just stood there and kissed the entire day.
When Yuichi gently pushed him away, Jin almost fell, though not from the lack of support or loss of balance this time. He opened his eyes reluctantly. “They’re gone,” Yuichi said.
“Huh?”
“The people who wanted to beat you up,” Yuichi deadpanned. Then he cleared his throat and said, “Sorry about that. I couldn’t think of another way to get out of this so easily.”
Jin froze. Yuichi was fucking apologizing for kissing him?!
“We’d better not stay here any longer, in case they return,” Yuichi said. He picked up the tab for Jin’s drink-fest and dragged Jin out. Yuichi had driven, and because he ended up not drinking anything, he put Jin in the front seat and got into the driver seat himself.
Jin looked at Yuichi as he drove. The night had gone entirely wrong. He was out to settle the problem, yet so far it only became worse. “Yucchi, I…”
Yuichi sighed.
“Is there no chance at all?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop fucking saying sorry! For one, I bloody hell enjoyed kissing you and if anyone should be apologizing, it would be me!”
“Jin, look, I know you like me, but-”
“Like you? I LIKE you? Right. I like you. So damn bloody much I fucking started pining until I almost died from that ridiculous high fever.” Jin didn’t know why he said all that, but it was too late to regret.
“You… Because of… me?”
Jin wanted to bury his face in his hands. Instead he settled for just staring at his palms. “I… You weren’t supposed to know that.”
Yuichi didn’t reply.
“Yucchi, if not for Kame and Tat-chan, would you-”
“Jin, this has nothing to do with them. I just don’t… like you in that way.”
Then none of them spoke till the end of the journey.
Yuichi walked Jin to his front door and was about to leave when Jin invited him in. Jin didn’t know what to feel when Yuichi accepted his invitation.
“Don’t think too much, I’m only here because I think we really need to get things straight. It won’t be good for… all of us if we don’t settle this now.”
Jin nodded. “That was my initial purpose in asking you out tonight.”
Yuichi took a seat on the couch when Jin gestured him to. They sat at the opposite ends of the luxurious three-seater Jin had in the middle of his living room.
Jin offered him a beer and Yuichi took it. “Your outfit today… is really nice.”
“Thanks.”
The silence that followed was unnerving.
Yuichi spoke first, again. “I-”
“I promise,” Jin cut him off, “That after tonight I will stop being hung up over you. I will do whatever it takes for me to stop obsessing over you.” Jin looked at Yuichi, who had turned to face him. “After tonight.”
Yuichi’s brows were furrowed in puzzlement, and Jin knew he was probably wondering why Jin was emphasizing on the phrase “after tonight”.
“Forgive me for doing this,” Jin said.
Yuichi did not have time to react at all because Jin literally pounced on him and attacked his mouth. He was completely held down to the couch by Jin, who was heavier. He kept his mouth shut, unrelenting to Jin’s intensity.
Jin ran his hands over Yuichi’s leather jacket, then placed his hands on the sides of Yuichi’s face, undeterred by the lack of response. He expected Yuichi would give in sooner or later, which he eventually did, with a sigh that Jin felt. Yuichi opened his mouth and a surge of excitement instantly shot through Jin’s body. His heart was pounding in his ears and he swore it stopped for a moment when Yuichi put his hands on the small of Jin’s back and started kissing him back with tongue.
Jin’s hands started wandering again as the kiss grew deeper, their noses mashing together so hard Jin thought his nose would just turn into jelly, along with his legs. Jin found Yuichi’s belt buckle under his tee and started to undo it. He had almost gotten it open when Yuichi grabbed his hands and held them away.
“No,” Yuichi whispered against Jin’s mouth.
Jin decided to change tactics so he re-positioned himself so he was kneeling on the couch, his legs spread with Yuichi’s legs trapped between. He closed the gap between them so the bulge in his pants rubbed against Yuichi’s stomach. The kiss had broken then and Jin panted against Yuichi’s face. Jin unbuttoned his own jeans and grasped Yuichi’s hand.
Yuichi seemed to figure out what Jin wanted to do, and yanked his hand out of Jin’s. “No.”
“But-”
“Jin.”
Jin sighed and nodded. “Can you… take off your jacket?”
Yuichi did without a single protest. He had barely gotten the jacket out of the way when Jin started tracing the contours of Yuichi’s face with his fingers. Yuichi did not even twitch, and was far too calm for someone who was being straddled by another man.
Jin knew otherwise, though. Yuichi might seem unruffled on the surface, but Jin could feel through all the layers of clothing that separated them that he wasn’t. Yuichi looked away when Jin cupped his chin and moved in for another kiss. Jin stopped when his lips were just a couple of centimetres away from Yuichi’s. “Are you really so unwilling?”
Yuichi kept quiet. Jin could see the hesitance in his eyes, but Jin didn’t know what exactly Yuichi was resisting. Was he resisting Jin, or was he trying to resist his own impulses? Perhaps he only needed a little more persuasion.
So Jin didn’t wait for an answer. He gently got off Yuichi and stood in front of him for a moment, taking in his entire form. “You really shouldn’t have come to look for me in those jeans,” Jin rasped, and pushed Yuichi until he laid flat on the couch, taking up its whole length.
Yuichi closed his eyes and his face was scrunched up in agony. When he opened his eyes again, Jin’s face was right above his. “I really don’t know why I’m here.”
Jin hit his head playfully. “You don’t need to.”
“After tonight,” Yuichi said, staring straight into Jin’s eyes.
Jin nodded, “I promise.”
Yuichi sighed again. “I must be out of my mind.”
“You won’t regret this.” Jin said as his heart raced.
Yuichi closed his eyes. The last Jin saw in his eyes was confusion.
Jin stroked his face lightly. Then he slowly lowered himself into a kneeling position again. He licked Yuichi’s lips, then pried his lips open and delved into his mouth. This time Yuichi responded right away, nibbling on Jin’s lips and tangling his tongue with Jin’s. Jin slid his hands under Yuichi’s body-hugging white t-shirt and slowly pushed it up until it was gathered at the top of Yuichi’s chest. He caressed every inch of the exposed skin, revelling in the touch.
Yuichi slung his arms around Jin’s neck as their lips remained locked.
Jin rubbed his thumb around Yuichi’s nipple, enjoying the moans Yuichi was breathing into his mouth. Then he abruptly switched his focus to getting Yuichi’s tee out of the way. He withdrew from Yuichi’s mouth but Yuichi immediately stretched up to continue the kiss. “Wait,” Jin murmured, “Your shirt.”
Yuichi cursed under his breath and removed his hands from Jin’s neck so Jin could pull off his tee. Once it was out of the way, Yuichi got down to the task of removing Jin’s shirt. It wasn’t an easy task, because there were so many buttons Yuichi didn’t understand what was in the designer’s mind when he designed that shirt. Jin was trailing kisses down his body, which distracted Yuichi even more. “I hate buttons,” Yuichi groused.
Jin chuckled, and the warm breath tickled Yuichi. Squirming, Yuichi gave up on Jin’s shirt and decided to divest him of his jeans instead. The button was already undone, so he had only half the work left. Yuichi’s long fingers swiftly pulled the zipper down. Then he pushed Jin’s pants down.
“No boxers?” Yuichi said, and wrapped his fingers around Jin’s cock, squeezing lightly.
Jin gasped and momentarily froze.
“Your couch is damn uncomfortable,” Yuichi muttered, his other hand reaching to grab Jin’s bare arse.
“B… Bedroom…”
“Excellent,” Yuichi sat up, and attempted to make Jin get down the couch.
A couple of steps onwards, Jin’s pants were left behind on the floor. Yuichi backed him into the wall right next to Jin’s bedroom door and tore off Jin’s shirt. Fuck buttons. Jin could not even care that his shirt was ruined. Naked and pressed against the wall, Jin suddenly felt vulnerable. He wanted to speak, but found that Yuichi had got on his knees in front of him.
Yuichi looked up at him as he stuck out his tongue and flicked it across the tip of Jin’s cock. Jin groaned. Yuichi slowly licked his entire length before taking it into his mouth. His hands kneaded Jin’s butt as he sucked leisurely on Jin’s cock.
Jin had curled his hands into tight fists against the wall, his eyes tightly closed and his teeth gritted. He thrust into Yuichi a little too forcefully, which made Yuichi pull back instantaneously. Yuichi paused for a while, then continued sucking. Jin was already so hard he knew he was going to come any moment. “Yucchi, I-”
Yuichi took more of him into his mouth and swallowed.
Then Jin cried out and came in Yuichi’s mouth.
Yuichi swallowed most of it, but some dribbled out the corners of his mouth. He released Jin and trailed kisses all the way up his belly as he got to his feet. Jin sagged against Yuichi, and Yuichi half-carried, half-dragged Jin into his room. Yuichi let Jin down on his bed, and carefully removed his own jeans. His cock was already aching from the lack of touch, to a point where he knew it wouldn’t take much for him to come too. He lay down next to Jin, and was about to take care of himself when he felt Jin’s gaze on him.
“Yucchi…”
Yuichi got on his knees again and knelt between Jin’s spread legs. Dipping his head to kiss Jin, Yuichi said, “You sure this is what you want?”
“Yes,” was all Jin could manage.
“Alright,” Yuichi closed the gap between their lips and kissed him ardently.
Jin had never imagined that he would ever be in Yuichi’s control, being the one who always ordered Yuichi around. But he found that he rather liked being in this position. He tried to ignore the thought that it would probably never happen again. No, it would definitely never happen again. Jin stretched his hand out towards his side table and groped around for a bit. Then he found what he was looking for, and handed the tube of lube to Yuichi.
Yuichi took it while nipping Jin’s lips. He smeared the strawberry-flavoured lube on his fingers. “Strawberry,” Yuichi commented. He slowly inserted two fingers into Jin’s tight hole, earning him a surprised cry from Jin.
Jin was so overwhelmed by having Yuichi’s fingers inside him that the initial pain didn’t even register with him. He arched against Yuichi, and the delicious friction of their cocks rubbing together made Jin hard again. He had never come more than once with anyone before and it somehow scared him that Yuichi was the only one who could make him hard twice in such a short time.
Yuichi withdrew his fingers from Jin’s arse when Jin’s erection brushed against his. He stopped kissing Jin, breathing heavily as he did, and inched closer until the tip of his cock touched Jin’s hole. He was already at his limit and he needed to fuck Jin. Yuichi pushed into him, Jin’s tightness almost making him come right away.
Jin whimpered as Yuichi thrust into him again. “Don’t… stop…”
Yuichi never replied. He just continued thrusting deeper into Jin. And each time he thought he wouldn’t be able to take it anymore, but he amazingly managed to hold back.
Jin clutched at the sheets and started rocking in sync with Yuichi’s movements. His knees were hooked over Yuichi’s shoulders, and he could hardly feel his toes anymore. His cock was leaking onto his stomach and Jin thought in horror that he was going to come twice before Yuichi even did once. But that thought vanished after a second.
“Jin… I think…”
“Yucchi, just- OH, FUCK!”
The next moment Yuichi came inside him with a shudder and Jin felt a similar shudder pass through him as the hotness leaked out of his arse and onto the sheets. Then Yuichi slid out of him and collapsed onto him. Neither of them spoke for the few minutes that followed. Until Jin felt Yuichi’s lips curve into a smile against his neck. “You’re hard again,” Yuichi whispered into his ear.
“Yes.”
Yuichi lapped at Jin’s lips lazily as he closed his hand around Jin’s length again.
Jin felt something hot and wet on his cheeks, and realized that he was crying. “Fuck,” Jin said.
Perhaps Yuichi knew what made Jin say that, so he did not comment. He licked Jin’s tears away and then planted a light kiss on his lips, his hand still squeezing Jin. It didn’t take long for Jin to come again. And after that he was too tired to move. Yuichi shifted so he lay next to Jin. He kissed Jin again, and Jin smiled against his lips. “Good night, Jin.”
“Good night, Yucchi.”
Jin turned on his side so he could take Yuichi into his arms. He looked at Yuichi in the dim light that came from his bedside lamp. Yuichi gazed back into his eyes with a softness Jin knew would only belong to Tatsuya and that he would never see again. “I-”
Yuichi shushed him by placing a finger on his lips. “Just sleep, Jin,” Yuichi said softly.
Closing his eyes, Jin kissed Yuichi for the last time. He took in Yuichi’s taste and smell and etched the memory into his mind. Because when he opened his eyes again, Yuichi wouldn’t be there anymore. He couldn’t pine for him anymore. He couldn’t kiss him anymore. He couldn’t have Yuichi make love to him anymore. And he couldn’t let himself love Yuichi anymore.
After tonight… Jin closed his eyes tightly as he clung to Yuichi.
-END-
All comments are greatly appreciated. :D
Oh, yes. And here's something interesting. (And highly amusing.)
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http://twitter.com/thejeanist
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Title: With Eyes Shut Tight
Disclaimer: None of the boys belong to me, and this is purely a work of fiction.
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Nakamaru/Jin (with Nakamaru/Ueda, Jin/Kame)
Warnings: Slash, M/M sex, angst, swearing, OOC
Word count: ~7k
Summary: Jin has an inexplicable attraction to Yuichi, but both of them are already attached to different people. Jin tries to fight his own feelings and get rid of his strange obsession. The fact that Yuichi is being so considerate and thoughtful isn’t helping, at all.
He was with Kame. He didn’t need to think about Yuichi. It was a simple truth that wasn’t hard to grasp. Right? Right.
Jin realized with a jolt what he was thinking, and hastily brushed the thought away. Where did that come from, anyway. He turned and glanced at Kame, who was happily picking out things to buy after he pulled Jin through the doors of the shop of his favourite label. Jin smiled. It was amazing how adorable Kame could be at times.
They had known each other for a long time, but had only got together recently. Throughout the six months of not seeing Kame and his other four band-mates because he was on a study trip overseas, Jin had thought of him everyday. And he knew very well that Kame was going through the same situation as he. So when Jin returned, they sealed their relationship with a strong embrace. They had been dating ever since.
It was also during this time, however, that Jin found that he missed being around Yuichi. He had never known that Yuichi’s presence affected him so much.
Jin caught Kame looking his way, and grinned widely back at him. Then a thought sprung up in his mind.
Before he left for his study trip, Jin had made a promise with Kame. He was to concentrate on his studies, and Kame was to focus on his acting projects. They would both produce good results in their respective priorities. Then, six months later, they would be together again. Other than the rare monthly phone call they made to spur each other on, they did not have any other contact. Of course Jin would miss Kame.
Yuichi had always been on good terms with Jin. And being the oldest, and most mature of all of them, Yuichi had always been someone Jin looked to for advice. Even though Jin frequently bullied Yuichi, he knew that Yuichi would never take it to heart. His bullying Yuichi never stopped, because every other day one of them would call the other, and give each other updates on their lives. In fact, it had become some sort of necessity. Jin just wouldn’t feel right if he didn’t call Yuichi names and laugh at his adorable resigned expression for a day.
The lack of Yuichi from his life, from all the exclusive dates with Kame, was finally starting to register with him.
+++
“How was your Hokkaido trip?” Junno asked.
It was the first time Jin was meeting up with his band-mates in a few weeks. But apparently he had been missing out on a lot. Perhaps the other four had met up on their own without him and Kame, thinking that it wouldn’t be nice to intrude on their romantic dates. “Hokkaido?”
“Yeah! Nakamaru-kun and Uepi went to Hokkaido together last week!” Junno said, his manner ever so enthusiastic.
“Really, Tat-chan? You never told me,” Kame said, raising his brows at Tatsuya.
Tatsuya and Yuichi looked at each other and smiled.
“It was a last minute decision, actually,” Yuichi said.
Jin noticed that Yuichi had very casually wound his arm around Tatsuya’s waist. He pretended to be preoccupied with his food as he glanced at Yuichi from the corner of his eye.
“Tatsuya wanted to - Jin, are you alright?”
Jin looked up to find five pairs of eyes on him. “Uh…”
“Your knuckles are really white,” Yuichi said, concerned.
“Oh! The chilli is really hot,” Jin replied weakly, gesturing to the chilli sauce that came with the basket of fries, in an attempt to direct everyone’s gaze away from himself. He could almost feel his face become hotter.
Kame handed him a glass of iced water.
Jin thanked him and downed the entire glass in a few seconds. He ignored the chatter going on amongst the others for a while, and was glad he did. Yuichi and Tatsuya were apparently recounting some of their more interesting experiences on their trip. Jin didn’t particularly feel like commenting, or even listening, for that matter.
After that, Junno had suggested pool, and Kame had told them to start playing first. Jin was still lost in his own thoughts, and Kame saw that he probably wouldn’t want to play. There were no empty tables near where they were sitting, so Junno and the other three took their mugs of beer with them to a table further away.
“You guys can take over from us later,” Koki told Kame.
Kame grinned, “Sure! See you guys in a bit.”
Koki nodded then headed in the direction Junno, Tatsuya and Yuichi had gone.
“Jin? You really alright?”
“I’ll probably be, in a while.”
Kame smiled and ran his fingers through Jin’s hair, before cupping the back of his head. “You poor boy,” Kame said, looking into his eyes.
Jin managed a smile despite himself. “I would be richer if not for you.”
“Hey!” Kame protested, letting go of Jin immediately.
Jin traced his fingers along the side of Kame’s face. “Kazu, Kazu, Kazu. You’re so adorable, you know that?”
Kame made a face at him.
Jin chuckled. “I’m going to the bathroom. Will be right back.”
Kame nodded.
Jin got off his seat and went towards the bathrooms. A door led into a darker passageway where both the ladies’ and the gents’ were.
Once he entered the passageway, though, Jin didn’t see the bathrooms. He saw two men making out ardently. He was about to ignore the sight, then he heard someone rasp “Yucchi”. Jin did a double take and took a second look at the two men. Yuichi and Tatsuya.
Then Jin half-ran and half-stumbled into the gents’.
He had been trying to believe that Yuichi and Tatsuya went on the trip together because they were really very good friends. And he had been trying to believe that Yuichi put his arm around Tatsuya like he did because they were really close pals. What he didn’t believe, or did not want to believe, was that somehow Yuichi and Tatsuya had ended up together. And it now seemed to him that they were in a stage of their relationship where he and Kame hadn’t even neared.
Jin’s hands gripped the edge of the glass basin tightly as he hung his head. His breathing was rapid and his eyes were closed. He tried to shut out the images invading his mind, but was helpless against them. He knew that throughout the past couple of weeks, he had been increasingly bothered by random bouts of thoughts of Yuichi inundating his mind. It seemed that his seeing Yuichi in the flesh had completely caused his mind to whir into overdrive with the overwhelmingness.
Jin released his grip, then splashed the cold running water on his face. He had to get back to Kame soon, or else Kame would be worried and then go looking for him. There was no way he could let Kame see him like that. Jin looked at himself in the mirror. “Akanishi Jin, get a grip on yourself,” he muttered. He stared at himself for half a minute more, before grabbing some paper towels to wipe the water off his face.
He was going to go back to Kame and be the perfect boyfriend again. Then he remembered. He was probably going to pass Yuichi again. And Jin certainly didn’t think that he would be done with whatever he was doing with Tatsuya yet. But he still needed to get back to Kame. So he took a deep breath, opened the door and stepped out of the gents’. Head lowered, he attempted to make his way out the passageway and back into the pub.
“Jin?”
Jin could think of a thousand curse words he wanted to spout right then. He forced a smile onto his face and looked up. Yuichi and Tatsuya seemed, fortunately for him, not as eager to jump each other’s bones at that very spot anymore. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
“I’ll leave you guys to talk. It’s probably my turn to take over from Koki,” Tatsuya beamed at Yuichi, shot Jin a warm smile, then left.
Jin watched as Yuichi’s gaze followed Tatsuya until he disappeared from sight. Then abruptly Yuichi turned back to him and Jin almost jumped, startled from the sudden intensity of Yuichi’s eyes, which were then focused on him. Jin stared back at him.
“Uh… Jin?”
Jin blinked and immediately looked away. What exactly was he doing, looking at Yuichi like that? “I’m fine, really.”
“You know, if you really have any problems, you can always come to me.”
“I don’t have any.” Jin snapped. Regretting his sharp reply instantaneously, he tried to pretend that everything was really fine by hitting Yuichi’s head, which was something he always liked to do.
Yuichi chuckled and patted Jin’s head. “Good boy.”
Jin slapped Yuichi’s hand away and gritted his teeth at him. “I’m going back to Kame,” he said in a sulky voice and made his escape before Yuichi could even get in a sentence in reply.
Making his way through the crowd back to where Kame was waiting, Jin almost heaved a sigh of relief. Perhaps if he resumed the regular contact with Yuichi, he wouldn’t have such weird feelings anymore. Right. That was all he needed to do, and so he would.
+++
Jin signalled to the bartender to get one more mug of beer for him. He would have gladly lit a smoke, but he forgot his pack on the way out. Alcohol would have to do for the time being.
It had been more than a week. And throughout this time, Jin had stuck with his plan of randomly contacting Yuichi, like he used to do when he was overseas, though all they talked about these days was work. So far, it wasn’t working. Jin knew he was in deep shit. Everything was starting to go wrong for him ever since he returned. Probably he shouldn’t have at all.
He twiddled with the pinky ring he had on his right finger. He and Kame had bought their pinky rings together way back, and had been wearing them ever since. Just what had gone so wrong during those six months that he had started to doubt his feelings for Kame? And even worse, begin to feel something for someone else? Granted that someone else wasn’t just anyone, but Jin just didn’t feel right. Yet when he tried to recall when he might have started having such a strange reaction towards Yuichi, no events came to mind. Nothing.
If this went on, what was he supposed to tell Kame?
“Jin?”
Jin shut his eyes. No, this wasn’t happening to him. No. No. No-
“Jin, you’re here alone?”
Jin opened his eyes. The man he least wanted to see in the world right then had just sat in the barstool next to him and ordered a beer. He nodded reluctantly. Kame had filming, which was why he could even be sitting at a bar and downing alcohol like water.
He was expecting a reply of sorts from Yuichi, but there wasn’t. Which was really weird. He glanced sideways, and saw that Yuichi did not exactly look too happy either. “You’re here alone too.” It came out sounding more like a statement than a question.
“Yeah. I guess we’re somewhat in the same predicament?” Yuichi said, gesturing to Jin’s beer.
“Perhaps.”
Yuichi raised his mug, “Cheers, then.”
Jin clinked his mug with Yuichi’s and finished the remainder of his beer at one go. He saw that Yuichi did the same thing, except he started out with his mug full. “I suppose it’s my turn to ask if you are alright?” Jin said.
Yuichi grinned. “Funny, I never expected to hear something like that coming from you.”
Jin knew he was blushing, and was glad that the dim lighting where he was sitting wouldn’t give it away. “I, er, I’m not always a jerk, you know.”
“Of course you aren’t,” Yuichi smiled, hitting his head. “Bakanishi.”
“HEY!” Jin retorted, punching Yuichi’s arm.
Yuichi laughed, “All right, all right.”
There was awkward silence between both of them again, and Jin was the one who broke it again. Somehow the atmosphere and perhaps the liquid courage made him say something he never thought he would, and was finally, a topic that was not related to work. “I never knew you were… you know, the same as me.”
“Gay, you mean?”
Jin nodded.
“I don’t know if I really am either. So far, Tatsu’s the only guy who… attracts me.”
“Oh,” was all Jin could manage without revealing any emotion in his voice. He couldn’t think of a better reply Yuichi could give to erase any hopes Jin knew he was starting to harbour.
“Funny how you’d bring that up today. We were just… quarrelling about that.”
“Oh,” Jin said again, “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’ll probably be over in a day or two. I just needed some time alone to clear my head and sort out my thoughts.” Yuichi turned to look at Jin. “And you?”
“Me?”
“You’re here alone, too. Doesn’t that kind of… say something?”
“I…” Jin couldn’t possibly tell Yuichi. Yet all the beer he had been drinking since two hours ago had fogged his brain too much for him to think of something clever to say. “I think I might be in love with someone else.”
Jin spoke so softly it took Yuichi a few moments to understand what he had just said. “You… what? And… Kame…?”
Jin shook his head. “He doesn’t know. In fact, I don’t even know myself. I mean, I know I still love Kazu. But… Fuck. Why am I telling you this anyway?” The alcohol was getting to his brain and he really needed a smoke desperately. But even if he brought his smokes, he was not really keen on the idea of smoking in front of Yuichi.
Yuichi placed his hand reassuringly on Jin’s shoulder. “You can tell me anything you want. I’ll help you if I could. If not… I’ll just listen.”
Jin’s vision was starting to blur, although it was not like he cared, because he continued glugging beer. He brushed Yuichi’s hand away. “I can’t.”
Yuichi appeared mildly shocked by Jin’s reaction. “Maybe I should leave you to your own thoughts, then?” He got up to leave.
“No! I mean… I don’t mean that. I just… I just can’t tell you about… this.”
Yuichi settled back into his seat, nodding. “Sure. I only wanted to let you know that I’ll always be here if you need someone.”
Jin did not want to reply. He had no confidence that he could form a proper sentence that wouldn’t scare Yuichi away. So Jin picked up his mug and drank. He knew he probably did look like he already had too much to drink, but it wasn’t like he wanted to care about it.
Yuichi seemed to sense that Jin was not in a talking mood then, so he didn’t speak either. It was when Jin started ordering shot after shot that Yuichi finally stopped him. “Jin. You really shouldn’t be drinking anymore.”
“Go away,” Jin said, though he wasn’t sure if it came out sounding like that. A few moments later, Jin wasn’t sure what had happened anymore.
+++
Jin opened his eyes, and deduced he had to have blacked out for a few minutes, because he was in a taxi with Yuichi. Then he noticed that his head was resting on Yuichi’s shoulder. And… fuck, he was holding Yuichi’s hand, fingers interlaced. He entertained the thought of withdrawing immediately and moving away for all of two seconds.
Hell, he was drunk and passed out. Surely that was enough reason for holding hands and all, right?
The next thing Jin knew, he was standing outside his apartment and Yuichi seemed to be asking him something. “… Wha…?”
“I said, where’re your keys?”
“Keys?” Jin used the hand that wasn’t slung around Yuichi’s shoulders to fish out his bunch of keys. He handed them to Yuichi.
Yuichi was just going to open the door when Jin’s arm slipped and Jin fell onto the floor. He bent down in an attempt to help Jin up.
Jin did not let that happen. He pulled Yuichi and the lack of warning caused Yuichi to fall on his knees. Jin yanked Yuichi’s arm so Yuichi got closer to him. Before Yuichi could react, Jin stretched upwards and kissed him. It was only a lips-on-lips kiss, and it lasted no longer than three seconds because Yuichi jerked his arm out of Jin’s grip and stood up immediately. Jin shut his eyes tightly as his head hit the floor. What had he done now?
“Jin. Just… Can you get up?”
Jin thought that if he didn’t open his eyes, he could pretend all that didn’t just happen.
“Jin… Please?”
No! Jin’s brain shouted. If he opened his eyes and got up, Yuichi would definitely leave. Then Jin’s cell rang. “Fuck,” he muttered inaudibly.
“Jin, honestly, I’m going to leave. Now. Just… get yourself together.”
Jin snapped back into reality. “No! Wait! I’m sorry… Could you not leave… yet?”
Yuichi watched Jin as he tried to get up. He succeeded somewhat, except he was leaning against the wall, obviously not able to stand without assistance. Yuichi nodded. “Alright.”
Jin reached into his pocket and took out his cell. Oh, double fuck. It was Kame. At bloody two in the morning. He couldn’t possibly pick up the call. He knew he sounded drunk because, well, he was drunk. And Kame was not going to be happy. Besides, Yuichi was right there.
“Go into your apartment to talk. I’ll be here.”
Why did Yuichi always have to be so considerate? Jin stumbled inside and pressed the Answer button. It wasn’t like he had a choice.
“Kazu-chan?”
“Jin! What took you so long?”
“I uh… was in the bathroom. I… thought you weren’t going to call anymore because it’s so late.”
“I just finished today’s shoot. I’m going home now.”
“Okay… Please be careful, alright? It’s so late now.”
“Yeah I will. Are you coming to visit me on the set tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Love you.”
“… Me too. Good night, Kazu.” Jin hung up. And promptly wished he would just die of alcohol overdose so he wouldn’t have to face whatever was coming for him, which he knew wasn’t going to be lovely at all. He took a deep breath and headed out the door, leaning against the wall for support. He stopped in the doorway and placed his hand on the doorframe.
“If you’re alright, I guess I’ll get going.”
“I suppose I am… But…”
“Jin, I expect you’ll know the answer to whatever question you want to ask me.” Yuichi turned to leave.
Jin, slightly swaying from the effects of the alcohol, reached out to grab Yuichi’s hand. To his surprise, Yuichi didn’t shake his hand off straightaway. Jin heard him sigh instead.
“Jin.”
“Just one kiss? Please? Yucchi?”
“Jin, I think you had a drop too much.” Yuichi said curtly and pushed Jin’s hand away. “Go inside now.” He didn’t turn to look at Jin anymore as he walked away from Jin.
Jin stood in his doorway for a long time after that.
+++
“Yucchi? I need to talk to you. Do you suppose we could have lunch together?”
“I was supposed to… oh, never mind. Yes, sure, just give me a time and a place.”
Jin chose a place they frequented and idled his time away till it was time to get out to meet Yuichi. Amazingly, he had woken up feeling fine. The only sign of him drinking too much the day before was a very mild headache that barely affected him.
Jin had arrived first, so he took a seat inside the café to wait for Yuichi. He waited for quite some time and had just convinced himself that he should just leave because Yuichi wouldn’t turn up when he saw Yuichi enter the café. Jin waved to him. Yuichi nodded and headed his way.
Yuichi had barely gotten seated when Jin said, “I’m sorry.”
Yuichi shook his head. “Nah, don’t worry about it. You were drunk.”
“Yeah… I was… drunk.” But I knew what I was doing back then.
“Just forget about it, okay?”
Jin nodded. “Yes, of course.”
So they had lunch and then parted ways. Jin didn’t want to dwell on the fact, but he assumed that Yuichi was going to meet Tatsuya. After all, he did say they had a quarrel yesterday. Surely they needed to iron things out.
And why was he thinking about Yuichi AND Tatsuya again? It was the exact thing he should think about less if he wanted to get out of this weird knot his heart had gotten itself into.
They would never be more than friends, Jin knew from the way Yuichi had spoken earlier. If he continued acting like a fool in love, it would only be a matter of time before he caused everyone involved to fall apart.
Jin put on his happy face and walked through the doors of the building Kame was having filming at. Kame was having a break when Jin found him. He waved to him and Kame returned a wave before heading towards him.
“How’s filming?”
“So far it’s been great. The crew’s really nice.”
“You tired?”
“I was, but not anymore,” Kame said, somewhat bashfully.
Jin wanted to grin but somehow his lips just refused to curve into one. So he settled for a very fleeting, forced smile.
“How about you? You don’t look too good.”
“Yeah, I’ve been having a nagging headache since last night.” And since when did his lies roll off his tongue so easily like he was a natural? The even more disturbing thought was, when did he even start lying to Kame?
Kame ruffled his hair. “You poor thing. Should have just stayed at home instead then.”
“Nah. I wanted to see you.” Another one. Jin was becoming a pro at this.
Kame smiled. “I’ll treat you to dinner later. Today’s shoot will wrap up early.”
“I was just waiting for that.”
Kame hit Jin’s head.
This time, Jin’s smile was genuine. Perhaps if he tried harder… He wouldn’t mess up everything after all.
+++
It was futile. A fortnight had gone by. While there was, at least, no significant downturn in Kame and his relationship, Jin realized he was pining for Yuichi. Kame knew there was something wrong with Jin, but he just assumed it had to do with a high fever Jin had a few days before that he hadn’t completely recovered from. And Jin was glad for that excuse.
Kame was going out of town a few days for an off location shoot. Jin knew there was no better time. He had to see Yuichi and he had to see him right away. He hadn’t heard Yuichi’s voice, much less see him, ever since that afternoon they met after his drunken night. Junno, Koki and even Tatsuya went to visit him when he had that exceptionally high fever. Yuichi never turned up.
“I need to see you.” Jin knew he sounded desperate and he was almost sure Yuichi would turn down his request.
But Yuichi said, “Where?”
“The same bar,” Jin said.
“I’ll be there when I’m done with my stuff.”
“You… You will appear, right?”
“I will.”
“Okay. See you.”
“Yeah,” and Yuichi hung up.
Jin stared at Yuichi’s name on the screen of his cell phone until it grew out of focus. Everything that had started from there had to end. Tonight.
+++
He tried really hard not to drink a lot. He really did. But he had been sitting there for three hours and Yuichi was still not there yet, which led him to think that Yuichi had said all that just to play along with him. Jin got up from his stool and attempted to walk to the bathrooms.
He managed to stumble all the way to the door leading to the bathrooms before he lost his balance and fell, pulling a girl along with him. The girl shrieked and Jin belatedly realized that he had unfortunately pinned her to the ground with his weight. He muttered a curse under his breath and tried to get up. He didn’t need to try a lot of times because someone yanked his collar and then hauled him up.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” The someone snapped at him, still holding him up by his collar.
Jin felt the wafts of the man’s breath on his face and cringed in disgust. “I fell.”
“YOU FELL? HAH! Didn’t seem like it! You were trying to take advantage of my girl, weren’t you?”
The man was speaking with a slur, Jin noticed. He also noted that the man wasn’t exactly very big or burly. In fact, he looked shorter than Jin. Which said a lot because right then Jin felt dwarfed by the man’s oppressiveness. “I… I lost my balance.”
The man snorted. The few friends with him drew closer.
Jin was starting to feel afraid. “Okay, look, I… I’m gay. I don’t like girls.”
The man sneered. “If everyone tells me that, won’t I be very disadvantaged?” Then he slowly released his grip on Jin’s collar, but turned to his friends and said, “Let’s get him outside.”
Jin’s eyes widened. “No! It’s true! I swea-”
“So how did my boyfriend offend you?”
“He tr- what?” The man released Jin abruptly with a start.
Yuichi pushed his way past the friends and stopped beside Jin, putting his hand around Jin’s waist to support him.
“Your boyfriend?” The man laughed. “Honestly, I’ve seen these acts too many times. Guys, let’s-”
“He doesn’t believe,” Yuichi said in mock-amusement to Jin.
Jin wanted to faint. Yuichi was wearing a leather jacket - surprise, surprise, no argyle - and skinny jeans that hugged his legs and everywhere else far too tightly and he had a pair of sunglasses stuck in his hair. By the time Jin had taken in the gorgeousness that was Yuichi in front of him, he had completely forgotten about the man who was threatening to beat him up, who would have noticed that Yuichi looked absolutely gay in that get-up if he had studied Yuichi more closely. “Where have you been?” Jin was fully aware that his voice came out sounding weirdly hoarse.
“Bloody costume party. My friend’s birthday,” Yuichi mumbled, and Jin knew his gaze wasn’t on him because Yuichi was discreetly watching the movements of the men surrounding them.
“Fucking hell, you-” Jin couldn’t finish his sentence that he barely started, because Yuichi suddenly changed his position so they were facing each other, and kissed him.
Yuichi’s hands rested on Jin’s butt, and he was pressing Jin to him.
Jin kissed him back fervently, his tongue probing the depths of Yuichi’s mouth. He could hardly care about the lack of Yuichi’s tongue in his mouth, or about all that frottage that was bound to give away the hardness that was growing in his pants. Jin cupped the back of Yuichi’s head as he tried to get even closer to him. The fact that they were in a bar full of people was nowhere close to the top of his mind anymore. Jin didn’t know how long they kissed, but he knew that he wasn’t content. He wouldn’t be even if they just stood there and kissed the entire day.
When Yuichi gently pushed him away, Jin almost fell, though not from the lack of support or loss of balance this time. He opened his eyes reluctantly. “They’re gone,” Yuichi said.
“Huh?”
“The people who wanted to beat you up,” Yuichi deadpanned. Then he cleared his throat and said, “Sorry about that. I couldn’t think of another way to get out of this so easily.”
Jin froze. Yuichi was fucking apologizing for kissing him?!
“We’d better not stay here any longer, in case they return,” Yuichi said. He picked up the tab for Jin’s drink-fest and dragged Jin out. Yuichi had driven, and because he ended up not drinking anything, he put Jin in the front seat and got into the driver seat himself.
Jin looked at Yuichi as he drove. The night had gone entirely wrong. He was out to settle the problem, yet so far it only became worse. “Yucchi, I…”
Yuichi sighed.
“Is there no chance at all?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop fucking saying sorry! For one, I bloody hell enjoyed kissing you and if anyone should be apologizing, it would be me!”
“Jin, look, I know you like me, but-”
“Like you? I LIKE you? Right. I like you. So damn bloody much I fucking started pining until I almost died from that ridiculous high fever.” Jin didn’t know why he said all that, but it was too late to regret.
“You… Because of… me?”
Jin wanted to bury his face in his hands. Instead he settled for just staring at his palms. “I… You weren’t supposed to know that.”
Yuichi didn’t reply.
“Yucchi, if not for Kame and Tat-chan, would you-”
“Jin, this has nothing to do with them. I just don’t… like you in that way.”
Then none of them spoke till the end of the journey.
Yuichi walked Jin to his front door and was about to leave when Jin invited him in. Jin didn’t know what to feel when Yuichi accepted his invitation.
“Don’t think too much, I’m only here because I think we really need to get things straight. It won’t be good for… all of us if we don’t settle this now.”
Jin nodded. “That was my initial purpose in asking you out tonight.”
Yuichi took a seat on the couch when Jin gestured him to. They sat at the opposite ends of the luxurious three-seater Jin had in the middle of his living room.
Jin offered him a beer and Yuichi took it. “Your outfit today… is really nice.”
“Thanks.”
The silence that followed was unnerving.
Yuichi spoke first, again. “I-”
“I promise,” Jin cut him off, “That after tonight I will stop being hung up over you. I will do whatever it takes for me to stop obsessing over you.” Jin looked at Yuichi, who had turned to face him. “After tonight.”
Yuichi’s brows were furrowed in puzzlement, and Jin knew he was probably wondering why Jin was emphasizing on the phrase “after tonight”.
“Forgive me for doing this,” Jin said.
Yuichi did not have time to react at all because Jin literally pounced on him and attacked his mouth. He was completely held down to the couch by Jin, who was heavier. He kept his mouth shut, unrelenting to Jin’s intensity.
Jin ran his hands over Yuichi’s leather jacket, then placed his hands on the sides of Yuichi’s face, undeterred by the lack of response. He expected Yuichi would give in sooner or later, which he eventually did, with a sigh that Jin felt. Yuichi opened his mouth and a surge of excitement instantly shot through Jin’s body. His heart was pounding in his ears and he swore it stopped for a moment when Yuichi put his hands on the small of Jin’s back and started kissing him back with tongue.
Jin’s hands started wandering again as the kiss grew deeper, their noses mashing together so hard Jin thought his nose would just turn into jelly, along with his legs. Jin found Yuichi’s belt buckle under his tee and started to undo it. He had almost gotten it open when Yuichi grabbed his hands and held them away.
“No,” Yuichi whispered against Jin’s mouth.
Jin decided to change tactics so he re-positioned himself so he was kneeling on the couch, his legs spread with Yuichi’s legs trapped between. He closed the gap between them so the bulge in his pants rubbed against Yuichi’s stomach. The kiss had broken then and Jin panted against Yuichi’s face. Jin unbuttoned his own jeans and grasped Yuichi’s hand.
Yuichi seemed to figure out what Jin wanted to do, and yanked his hand out of Jin’s. “No.”
“But-”
“Jin.”
Jin sighed and nodded. “Can you… take off your jacket?”
Yuichi did without a single protest. He had barely gotten the jacket out of the way when Jin started tracing the contours of Yuichi’s face with his fingers. Yuichi did not even twitch, and was far too calm for someone who was being straddled by another man.
Jin knew otherwise, though. Yuichi might seem unruffled on the surface, but Jin could feel through all the layers of clothing that separated them that he wasn’t. Yuichi looked away when Jin cupped his chin and moved in for another kiss. Jin stopped when his lips were just a couple of centimetres away from Yuichi’s. “Are you really so unwilling?”
Yuichi kept quiet. Jin could see the hesitance in his eyes, but Jin didn’t know what exactly Yuichi was resisting. Was he resisting Jin, or was he trying to resist his own impulses? Perhaps he only needed a little more persuasion.
So Jin didn’t wait for an answer. He gently got off Yuichi and stood in front of him for a moment, taking in his entire form. “You really shouldn’t have come to look for me in those jeans,” Jin rasped, and pushed Yuichi until he laid flat on the couch, taking up its whole length.
Yuichi closed his eyes and his face was scrunched up in agony. When he opened his eyes again, Jin’s face was right above his. “I really don’t know why I’m here.”
Jin hit his head playfully. “You don’t need to.”
“After tonight,” Yuichi said, staring straight into Jin’s eyes.
Jin nodded, “I promise.”
Yuichi sighed again. “I must be out of my mind.”
“You won’t regret this.” Jin said as his heart raced.
Yuichi closed his eyes. The last Jin saw in his eyes was confusion.
Jin stroked his face lightly. Then he slowly lowered himself into a kneeling position again. He licked Yuichi’s lips, then pried his lips open and delved into his mouth. This time Yuichi responded right away, nibbling on Jin’s lips and tangling his tongue with Jin’s. Jin slid his hands under Yuichi’s body-hugging white t-shirt and slowly pushed it up until it was gathered at the top of Yuichi’s chest. He caressed every inch of the exposed skin, revelling in the touch.
Yuichi slung his arms around Jin’s neck as their lips remained locked.
Jin rubbed his thumb around Yuichi’s nipple, enjoying the moans Yuichi was breathing into his mouth. Then he abruptly switched his focus to getting Yuichi’s tee out of the way. He withdrew from Yuichi’s mouth but Yuichi immediately stretched up to continue the kiss. “Wait,” Jin murmured, “Your shirt.”
Yuichi cursed under his breath and removed his hands from Jin’s neck so Jin could pull off his tee. Once it was out of the way, Yuichi got down to the task of removing Jin’s shirt. It wasn’t an easy task, because there were so many buttons Yuichi didn’t understand what was in the designer’s mind when he designed that shirt. Jin was trailing kisses down his body, which distracted Yuichi even more. “I hate buttons,” Yuichi groused.
Jin chuckled, and the warm breath tickled Yuichi. Squirming, Yuichi gave up on Jin’s shirt and decided to divest him of his jeans instead. The button was already undone, so he had only half the work left. Yuichi’s long fingers swiftly pulled the zipper down. Then he pushed Jin’s pants down.
“No boxers?” Yuichi said, and wrapped his fingers around Jin’s cock, squeezing lightly.
Jin gasped and momentarily froze.
“Your couch is damn uncomfortable,” Yuichi muttered, his other hand reaching to grab Jin’s bare arse.
“B… Bedroom…”
“Excellent,” Yuichi sat up, and attempted to make Jin get down the couch.
A couple of steps onwards, Jin’s pants were left behind on the floor. Yuichi backed him into the wall right next to Jin’s bedroom door and tore off Jin’s shirt. Fuck buttons. Jin could not even care that his shirt was ruined. Naked and pressed against the wall, Jin suddenly felt vulnerable. He wanted to speak, but found that Yuichi had got on his knees in front of him.
Yuichi looked up at him as he stuck out his tongue and flicked it across the tip of Jin’s cock. Jin groaned. Yuichi slowly licked his entire length before taking it into his mouth. His hands kneaded Jin’s butt as he sucked leisurely on Jin’s cock.
Jin had curled his hands into tight fists against the wall, his eyes tightly closed and his teeth gritted. He thrust into Yuichi a little too forcefully, which made Yuichi pull back instantaneously. Yuichi paused for a while, then continued sucking. Jin was already so hard he knew he was going to come any moment. “Yucchi, I-”
Yuichi took more of him into his mouth and swallowed.
Then Jin cried out and came in Yuichi’s mouth.
Yuichi swallowed most of it, but some dribbled out the corners of his mouth. He released Jin and trailed kisses all the way up his belly as he got to his feet. Jin sagged against Yuichi, and Yuichi half-carried, half-dragged Jin into his room. Yuichi let Jin down on his bed, and carefully removed his own jeans. His cock was already aching from the lack of touch, to a point where he knew it wouldn’t take much for him to come too. He lay down next to Jin, and was about to take care of himself when he felt Jin’s gaze on him.
“Yucchi…”
Yuichi got on his knees again and knelt between Jin’s spread legs. Dipping his head to kiss Jin, Yuichi said, “You sure this is what you want?”
“Yes,” was all Jin could manage.
“Alright,” Yuichi closed the gap between their lips and kissed him ardently.
Jin had never imagined that he would ever be in Yuichi’s control, being the one who always ordered Yuichi around. But he found that he rather liked being in this position. He tried to ignore the thought that it would probably never happen again. No, it would definitely never happen again. Jin stretched his hand out towards his side table and groped around for a bit. Then he found what he was looking for, and handed the tube of lube to Yuichi.
Yuichi took it while nipping Jin’s lips. He smeared the strawberry-flavoured lube on his fingers. “Strawberry,” Yuichi commented. He slowly inserted two fingers into Jin’s tight hole, earning him a surprised cry from Jin.
Jin was so overwhelmed by having Yuichi’s fingers inside him that the initial pain didn’t even register with him. He arched against Yuichi, and the delicious friction of their cocks rubbing together made Jin hard again. He had never come more than once with anyone before and it somehow scared him that Yuichi was the only one who could make him hard twice in such a short time.
Yuichi withdrew his fingers from Jin’s arse when Jin’s erection brushed against his. He stopped kissing Jin, breathing heavily as he did, and inched closer until the tip of his cock touched Jin’s hole. He was already at his limit and he needed to fuck Jin. Yuichi pushed into him, Jin’s tightness almost making him come right away.
Jin whimpered as Yuichi thrust into him again. “Don’t… stop…”
Yuichi never replied. He just continued thrusting deeper into Jin. And each time he thought he wouldn’t be able to take it anymore, but he amazingly managed to hold back.
Jin clutched at the sheets and started rocking in sync with Yuichi’s movements. His knees were hooked over Yuichi’s shoulders, and he could hardly feel his toes anymore. His cock was leaking onto his stomach and Jin thought in horror that he was going to come twice before Yuichi even did once. But that thought vanished after a second.
“Jin… I think…”
“Yucchi, just- OH, FUCK!”
The next moment Yuichi came inside him with a shudder and Jin felt a similar shudder pass through him as the hotness leaked out of his arse and onto the sheets. Then Yuichi slid out of him and collapsed onto him. Neither of them spoke for the few minutes that followed. Until Jin felt Yuichi’s lips curve into a smile against his neck. “You’re hard again,” Yuichi whispered into his ear.
“Yes.”
Yuichi lapped at Jin’s lips lazily as he closed his hand around Jin’s length again.
Jin felt something hot and wet on his cheeks, and realized that he was crying. “Fuck,” Jin said.
Perhaps Yuichi knew what made Jin say that, so he did not comment. He licked Jin’s tears away and then planted a light kiss on his lips, his hand still squeezing Jin. It didn’t take long for Jin to come again. And after that he was too tired to move. Yuichi shifted so he lay next to Jin. He kissed Jin again, and Jin smiled against his lips. “Good night, Jin.”
“Good night, Yucchi.”
Jin turned on his side so he could take Yuichi into his arms. He looked at Yuichi in the dim light that came from his bedside lamp. Yuichi gazed back into his eyes with a softness Jin knew would only belong to Tatsuya and that he would never see again. “I-”
Yuichi shushed him by placing a finger on his lips. “Just sleep, Jin,” Yuichi said softly.
Closing his eyes, Jin kissed Yuichi for the last time. He took in Yuichi’s taste and smell and etched the memory into his mind. Because when he opened his eyes again, Yuichi wouldn’t be there anymore. He couldn’t pine for him anymore. He couldn’t kiss him anymore. He couldn’t have Yuichi make love to him anymore. And he couldn’t let himself love Yuichi anymore.
After tonight… Jin closed his eyes tightly as he clung to Yuichi.
-END-
All comments are greatly appreciated. :D
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