I can't seem to sleep anyway, so why not?
There is surprisingly not much for me to say considering how much has been on my mind as of lately.
I could talk about the fact that I'm really losing the will to try in my music classes and with everything relating. I don't want to give up, but I feel I've really hit a wall... Not good considering this is only the beginning of my second year here... I hope something (and I haven't the slightest idea what) helps me to become motivated once again. In this case, I think I want to go back to a person who I was before. Even though this I know, I just can't think of any way to motivate myself. It's not that I don't see the need to push- I see the need now more than ever, I just can't...
Or I could talk about how I spend way more time drinking than ever before. But it's not really about drinking at all; it's about hanging out with friends. I finally have friends that I am content with hanging out with every night- not matter what it is they do. That's not really something I've ever experienced before. It's weird to finally have that group that you just go hang out with, no questions asked, no effort involved. It's weird to feel like I finally have a place in a group. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my friends, but they are all so... scattered. There's a whole different security when you have friends that are all friends with each other. Apparently I've been missing out. Anyway, drinking just comes with the territory. The opportunity tends arise, so yeah.
I can't tell if my priorities are fucked up or not. They obviously aren't fucked up enough that I feel the need to completely reform them. I know my goals are perfectly well set for the future but everything that happens on a daily basis just seems so trivial anymore. Like in the grand scheme, what the hell does missing one assignment mean? Maybe I'm being too easy on myself but I know if I demanded absolute perfection, I just wouldn't be happy. Besides, I think we can make up for our mistakes- provided we REALIZE that we have made a mistake and that we are willing to WORK to fix it.
And last but definitely not least, ugh. Why don't I just give up on the male population? Maybe I can't commit myself to just one person... But how should anyone ever know? With all of the instability that's always there, I'm not surprised at my own behavior. I'm just noticing a bad habit to balance two situations and turn to one when the other goes wrong. But let's consider, shall we?
Situation number one- Interestingly enough, whenever we're actually together we tend to enjoy each others' company but yet, we're better at phone conversation/text message fighting than I ever thought possible with anyone. Every little petty thing... It's just sad. It's a waste of friendship and anything else. At this point, I'm finally convincing myself that friendship is all I can have with you. You really have been one of my best friends, despite the insane amount of fighting... In fact, I don't think any of my other friendships could have survived through all of that, and yet, yours did. The reason I know the friendship has always stayed in tact is because I know that if I ever needed you, I would still turn to you and I would still be there for you- no matter what has happened. Sometimes I can't help myself from thinking how great things could be if we just overcame all of the problems. Everything else is just there. ...I guess the problems are just too big to be overcome. Sometimes it really is tempting to just allow myself to try again. But no, this time I'm going to stick with the safe route. You've never directly decided things, although you've certainly expressed enough doubt, so this time, I'll step up and call the shots. I'll resist the temptation although it's staring me in the face.
Situation number two- I think the only thing I can do to help things, given the information I seem to be gathering as of lately, is just to make myself care less. It's the only way I'm not going to get upset and it's the only way that I'm going to be able to except that things are less than what I'd like them to be. How sad. I just want to think that maybe, maybe maybe maybe, if I for once, play all the cards right, I'll end up with a result that I could be happy with. (Funny that I think that when it isn't really up to me at all...) I know there are no guarantees but I'm pretty sure at this point it's a chance I'm still willing to take. I'd be losing the same thing in the end (whenever that might be) as I would be losing right now. Maybe if I just convince myself to care less, completely take it back down a notch... Then I'll be able to tell myself that I tried... And that it hurts less in the end.
"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill? You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.
But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely 'cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true." -Grey's
I could talk about the fact that I'm really losing the will to try in my music classes and with everything relating. I don't want to give up, but I feel I've really hit a wall... Not good considering this is only the beginning of my second year here... I hope something (and I haven't the slightest idea what) helps me to become motivated once again. In this case, I think I want to go back to a person who I was before. Even though this I know, I just can't think of any way to motivate myself. It's not that I don't see the need to push- I see the need now more than ever, I just can't...
Or I could talk about how I spend way more time drinking than ever before. But it's not really about drinking at all; it's about hanging out with friends. I finally have friends that I am content with hanging out with every night- not matter what it is they do. That's not really something I've ever experienced before. It's weird to finally have that group that you just go hang out with, no questions asked, no effort involved. It's weird to feel like I finally have a place in a group. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my friends, but they are all so... scattered. There's a whole different security when you have friends that are all friends with each other. Apparently I've been missing out. Anyway, drinking just comes with the territory. The opportunity tends arise, so yeah.
I can't tell if my priorities are fucked up or not. They obviously aren't fucked up enough that I feel the need to completely reform them. I know my goals are perfectly well set for the future but everything that happens on a daily basis just seems so trivial anymore. Like in the grand scheme, what the hell does missing one assignment mean? Maybe I'm being too easy on myself but I know if I demanded absolute perfection, I just wouldn't be happy. Besides, I think we can make up for our mistakes- provided we REALIZE that we have made a mistake and that we are willing to WORK to fix it.
And last but definitely not least, ugh. Why don't I just give up on the male population? Maybe I can't commit myself to just one person... But how should anyone ever know? With all of the instability that's always there, I'm not surprised at my own behavior. I'm just noticing a bad habit to balance two situations and turn to one when the other goes wrong. But let's consider, shall we?
Situation number one- Interestingly enough, whenever we're actually together we tend to enjoy each others' company but yet, we're better at phone conversation/text message fighting than I ever thought possible with anyone. Every little petty thing... It's just sad. It's a waste of friendship and anything else. At this point, I'm finally convincing myself that friendship is all I can have with you. You really have been one of my best friends, despite the insane amount of fighting... In fact, I don't think any of my other friendships could have survived through all of that, and yet, yours did. The reason I know the friendship has always stayed in tact is because I know that if I ever needed you, I would still turn to you and I would still be there for you- no matter what has happened. Sometimes I can't help myself from thinking how great things could be if we just overcame all of the problems. Everything else is just there. ...I guess the problems are just too big to be overcome. Sometimes it really is tempting to just allow myself to try again. But no, this time I'm going to stick with the safe route. You've never directly decided things, although you've certainly expressed enough doubt, so this time, I'll step up and call the shots. I'll resist the temptation although it's staring me in the face.
Situation number two- I think the only thing I can do to help things, given the information I seem to be gathering as of lately, is just to make myself care less. It's the only way I'm not going to get upset and it's the only way that I'm going to be able to except that things are less than what I'd like them to be. How sad. I just want to think that maybe, maybe maybe maybe, if I for once, play all the cards right, I'll end up with a result that I could be happy with. (Funny that I think that when it isn't really up to me at all...) I know there are no guarantees but I'm pretty sure at this point it's a chance I'm still willing to take. I'd be losing the same thing in the end (whenever that might be) as I would be losing right now. Maybe if I just convince myself to care less, completely take it back down a notch... Then I'll be able to tell myself that I tried... And that it hurts less in the end.
"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill? You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.
But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely 'cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true." -Grey's