I'm going to be very sorry come 7 AM
Alright, despite the fact that it's almost 4 AM, I really cannot help myself. Not to mention, sitting in the basement of the oldest and creepiest dorm building on campus isn't really where I want to be, but it seems as if I've been having this problem a lot lately. No matter how tired I am, I just can't seem to fall asleep. It's like my mind is completely full and running a million miles a minute. I apologize in advance if this entry is explicit in any way, which I'm sure it will be.
Now what's weird is that the usual issues aren't on my mind. It's almost as if the majority of people have just disappeared. This is in no way a bad thing, in fact, it's one I didn't think possible. It's unfortunate that I seem to resort back to my old self when drunk, but hey, I'll take what little progress I've made.
So what is on my mind? A certain person seems to occupy the majority of my thoughts. I'm so sick of things being undefined in words but not in actions... I mean, in a way, I guess I'm glad. I'm glad that they are at least defined somehow but not bindingly so because I'm somewhat terrified to even admit how hopeful I am that things progress. It's like sometimes things are great... And then the next moment, I'm so frustrated that I just want to abandon all my feelings. I know that I'm partially responsible for making things go wrong, or at least responsible for escalating problems, but I'm really trying not to from this point forth. I guess it doesn't even matter if it shows because I just want to see if things reach their full potential. I feel like I give and give of myself but I just don't get the same in return. I'm definitely not the one holding back. I've never had to be so patient in my life. I've never seen anything progress as slowly as this relationship in my entire life. You can imagine my mixed feelings.
It's not even attention exactly that I crave; it's the intimacy. But doesn't everyone want to feel like they are wanted? It's sad that I need that feeling to hold on to but I do. It's just like how do you go two months without the person even trying to touch you? Not even in a sexual way, like what about holding hands? There's just something about that feeling- the one where your whole body just tingles and you forget about everyone else in the world besides that person. It's that one. That's the one I want. That's the only one strong enough to drastically change how I behave, and believe me, I've already done so. I don't care about titles. I don't care if you can't spend every minute of your time with me. I just want to feel that and to know you do as well.
Tonight I felt it. Part of me feels like it's almost tragic that it takes things escalating in a sexual way... Maybe that's just a fault of mine? ...I don't think so because I know it isn't just about sex- it's so far from it. It's about that intimacy...
No, I can't fix everything. And as much as I crave perfection, I'll never have it. I guess it's not about having everything I want, it's just about having the things I need.
That really didn’t come out as well as it sounded in my head but at least I think I can fall asleep now…
Now what's weird is that the usual issues aren't on my mind. It's almost as if the majority of people have just disappeared. This is in no way a bad thing, in fact, it's one I didn't think possible. It's unfortunate that I seem to resort back to my old self when drunk, but hey, I'll take what little progress I've made.
So what is on my mind? A certain person seems to occupy the majority of my thoughts. I'm so sick of things being undefined in words but not in actions... I mean, in a way, I guess I'm glad. I'm glad that they are at least defined somehow but not bindingly so because I'm somewhat terrified to even admit how hopeful I am that things progress. It's like sometimes things are great... And then the next moment, I'm so frustrated that I just want to abandon all my feelings. I know that I'm partially responsible for making things go wrong, or at least responsible for escalating problems, but I'm really trying not to from this point forth. I guess it doesn't even matter if it shows because I just want to see if things reach their full potential. I feel like I give and give of myself but I just don't get the same in return. I'm definitely not the one holding back. I've never had to be so patient in my life. I've never seen anything progress as slowly as this relationship in my entire life. You can imagine my mixed feelings.
It's not even attention exactly that I crave; it's the intimacy. But doesn't everyone want to feel like they are wanted? It's sad that I need that feeling to hold on to but I do. It's just like how do you go two months without the person even trying to touch you? Not even in a sexual way, like what about holding hands? There's just something about that feeling- the one where your whole body just tingles and you forget about everyone else in the world besides that person. It's that one. That's the one I want. That's the only one strong enough to drastically change how I behave, and believe me, I've already done so. I don't care about titles. I don't care if you can't spend every minute of your time with me. I just want to feel that and to know you do as well.
Tonight I felt it. Part of me feels like it's almost tragic that it takes things escalating in a sexual way... Maybe that's just a fault of mine? ...I don't think so because I know it isn't just about sex- it's so far from it. It's about that intimacy...
No, I can't fix everything. And as much as I crave perfection, I'll never have it. I guess it's not about having everything I want, it's just about having the things I need.
That really didn’t come out as well as it sounded in my head but at least I think I can fall asleep now…