It's been a bit
So I think it's been like two years since I've posted anything.
Okay, not really - it's only been a month - but considering I had this "post every week" idea thing I was going for, a month is still a long time. And if you don't count after battle reports, it's been since July. So yeah, it actually has been a bit.
The big thing has been work. I started the new job in July, so that last post was only a few weeks in and I was still getting my feet wet. I was just getting into the projects there, just settling in with the new routine, the new coworkers, and being out as Phoenix. But now that it's about 5 months in, everything feels really good.
So now that I'm in a groove at work, I can safely say that I'm over the moon about the new job. I like the work I do, I like the people I work with, and I like the whole atmosphere in the office. It feels unlike every other firm I've worked at, and in a way that feels like I've landed at a place that has that just right "thing" that's hard to describe.
I'll start with the work. The company focuses on 'government services' - civilian work for government agencies. Of the projects I've worked on, our end clients have been NASA, the Air Force and the Navy, and the projects have varied from simple stuff like office renovations to upgrading antenna systems. Now, I don't actually do the antenna work, but we provide the architectural and engineering support that the antenna guys need so that their stuff works when they flip the switch. The job has meant more travel - which has it's positives and negatives - but it also means that there is a lot of variety, no project is the same. Even two identical antennas can involve different designs, based on the environment and location. But the big thing for me has been feeling like I'm doing something that's cool and important - the sort of thing that middle school me would be in awe of. It's almost like the part of me that wanted to join the military is getting what it wants, without the risk of getting shot at. Don't get me wrong - the job isn't perfect, the long travel trips do wear a little thin - but this has been an extremely satisfying career change for me.
The other really big change that's come with this job has been being out as Phoenix. At this point I've gone to work as Phoenix often enough that I'm 100% comfortable. There's no feeling that I need to temper how often I do it, no one seems put off or weirded out, it's just not a thing. And I've done it often enough that it's not like there's some sort of idea that people don't know - so there's no feeling of waiting for that one person to find out and make an issue. Not that I really ever expected it, especially since it is specifically mentioned in HR policy, but I still figured that I may run into someone that might have some sort of issue.
So overall it's been really good - a professional environment where we are treated with respect, coworkers that I get along with on both a working and personal level, and a work that I find rewarding.
Aside from the work side of things, there's been a lot of development on the Phoenix front of things. Being able to go to work has obviously been a big thing, but what's been interesting has been all of the unknowns. Before I came out at work there were a lot of questions - how would Phoenix continue to manifest, how frequently would it happen, and how would she blend into the rest of 'real life'. Phoenix used to be an "in the evening or maybe on a weekend" thing, although there would also be a lot of mornings where I'd get up and get dressed before going to work - basically practicing for if I came out. The actual times were infrequent - maybe once a week - but it felt that I was thinking about it on an almost daily basis. So the question was - would I be Phoenix at work 1-2 a week, or 3-4 times a week? Would it be something that I'd do at work, but would generally minimize at other times?
Was this a slippery slope to something more?
The long and short of it is that I'm still figuring it out, but even in that vein I've still figured some stuff out. First is name. I had picked a feminine name to use for Phoenix, even to the point of looking into legally changing my name to include it as my middle name. But with having a separate name, it almost created a separate identity, and that wasn't right. I like to present female, but there's no desire to change who I am. So I've generally adopted a feminine sounding nickname of my birth name, and that's generally felt right.
The other big difference has been in the frequency in which I've "felt Phoenix", and the extent to which that has actually mattered. It's been two things that I hadn't really thought of before, but they are definitely intertwined - the urge to present as Phoenix, and the counter of 'what if I don't have that urge but am in a situation where I'm expected to be presenting'. With coming out and being able to present as Phoenix for a more extended basis, it's had two effects. I used to go through extended periods of time where I just felt desperately uncomfortable as male, and couldn't wait to present as female; that is mostly gone now. It's as if being able to present as female has eliminated the stress that would build from wanting to but not being able to. The other thing is that since Phoenix has transitioned from a separate identity to a different side of the same identity, it's made it easier to disconnect the desire to present as one or the other with the choice to do it. So there are some days where I present as female because I'm just feeling it, and there are other days where I do it because I just think it's a good outfit.
I keep coming back to this, but it's really about identity, and coming to a newer understanding of it.
It used to be "I have two identities - WMTG and Phoenix". Now it is "I have one identity - I'm queer, and I may present as either gender - but I'm one person". It seems kind of minor typing it out, but it was almost an epiphany to me. It probably sounds stupid because I've been crossdressing and fantasizing about presenting female for almost 30 years, but I never considered myself as queer. But finally making that connection - things make sense, and I'm comfortable with myself in a way I never had been.
But anyhow, this post got a lot longer than I was expecting, and I didn't even touch on any gaming or hobby stuff yet. So I'm going to call it, and maybe come back shortly.
Okay, not really - it's only been a month - but considering I had this "post every week" idea thing I was going for, a month is still a long time. And if you don't count after battle reports, it's been since July. So yeah, it actually has been a bit.
The big thing has been work. I started the new job in July, so that last post was only a few weeks in and I was still getting my feet wet. I was just getting into the projects there, just settling in with the new routine, the new coworkers, and being out as Phoenix. But now that it's about 5 months in, everything feels really good.
So now that I'm in a groove at work, I can safely say that I'm over the moon about the new job. I like the work I do, I like the people I work with, and I like the whole atmosphere in the office. It feels unlike every other firm I've worked at, and in a way that feels like I've landed at a place that has that just right "thing" that's hard to describe.
I'll start with the work. The company focuses on 'government services' - civilian work for government agencies. Of the projects I've worked on, our end clients have been NASA, the Air Force and the Navy, and the projects have varied from simple stuff like office renovations to upgrading antenna systems. Now, I don't actually do the antenna work, but we provide the architectural and engineering support that the antenna guys need so that their stuff works when they flip the switch. The job has meant more travel - which has it's positives and negatives - but it also means that there is a lot of variety, no project is the same. Even two identical antennas can involve different designs, based on the environment and location. But the big thing for me has been feeling like I'm doing something that's cool and important - the sort of thing that middle school me would be in awe of. It's almost like the part of me that wanted to join the military is getting what it wants, without the risk of getting shot at. Don't get me wrong - the job isn't perfect, the long travel trips do wear a little thin - but this has been an extremely satisfying career change for me.
The other really big change that's come with this job has been being out as Phoenix. At this point I've gone to work as Phoenix often enough that I'm 100% comfortable. There's no feeling that I need to temper how often I do it, no one seems put off or weirded out, it's just not a thing. And I've done it often enough that it's not like there's some sort of idea that people don't know - so there's no feeling of waiting for that one person to find out and make an issue. Not that I really ever expected it, especially since it is specifically mentioned in HR policy, but I still figured that I may run into someone that might have some sort of issue.
So overall it's been really good - a professional environment where we are treated with respect, coworkers that I get along with on both a working and personal level, and a work that I find rewarding.
Aside from the work side of things, there's been a lot of development on the Phoenix front of things. Being able to go to work has obviously been a big thing, but what's been interesting has been all of the unknowns. Before I came out at work there were a lot of questions - how would Phoenix continue to manifest, how frequently would it happen, and how would she blend into the rest of 'real life'. Phoenix used to be an "in the evening or maybe on a weekend" thing, although there would also be a lot of mornings where I'd get up and get dressed before going to work - basically practicing for if I came out. The actual times were infrequent - maybe once a week - but it felt that I was thinking about it on an almost daily basis. So the question was - would I be Phoenix at work 1-2 a week, or 3-4 times a week? Would it be something that I'd do at work, but would generally minimize at other times?
Was this a slippery slope to something more?
The long and short of it is that I'm still figuring it out, but even in that vein I've still figured some stuff out. First is name. I had picked a feminine name to use for Phoenix, even to the point of looking into legally changing my name to include it as my middle name. But with having a separate name, it almost created a separate identity, and that wasn't right. I like to present female, but there's no desire to change who I am. So I've generally adopted a feminine sounding nickname of my birth name, and that's generally felt right.
The other big difference has been in the frequency in which I've "felt Phoenix", and the extent to which that has actually mattered. It's been two things that I hadn't really thought of before, but they are definitely intertwined - the urge to present as Phoenix, and the counter of 'what if I don't have that urge but am in a situation where I'm expected to be presenting'. With coming out and being able to present as Phoenix for a more extended basis, it's had two effects. I used to go through extended periods of time where I just felt desperately uncomfortable as male, and couldn't wait to present as female; that is mostly gone now. It's as if being able to present as female has eliminated the stress that would build from wanting to but not being able to. The other thing is that since Phoenix has transitioned from a separate identity to a different side of the same identity, it's made it easier to disconnect the desire to present as one or the other with the choice to do it. So there are some days where I present as female because I'm just feeling it, and there are other days where I do it because I just think it's a good outfit.
I keep coming back to this, but it's really about identity, and coming to a newer understanding of it.
It used to be "I have two identities - WMTG and Phoenix". Now it is "I have one identity - I'm queer, and I may present as either gender - but I'm one person". It seems kind of minor typing it out, but it was almost an epiphany to me. It probably sounds stupid because I've been crossdressing and fantasizing about presenting female for almost 30 years, but I never considered myself as queer. But finally making that connection - things make sense, and I'm comfortable with myself in a way I never had been.
But anyhow, this post got a lot longer than I was expecting, and I didn't even touch on any gaming or hobby stuff yet. So I'm going to call it, and maybe come back shortly.