A Seat at the Council
Wow - another amazing past few days with lots of stuff to process. I am not sure that I like this pattern of drought followed by deluge - but perhaps that is why I am called to the desert with its dry washes that overflow and surge during brief episodes of drenching rain. I am definitely finding myself in a state of immense and enormous desire and lust, and this is fueled by an equally engaged intellectual and spiritual connection. So I am now aware that the slave within me is attracted to being pushed, pulled and prodded in my grey matter. I like a Master willing to be present and to engage my mind on matters of spirituality and sexuality. I am also aware that I unconsciously hold a covenant that this presence of a Master be consistent and prominent in the priorities of focus. When that convenant is broken, I withdraw and withhold and the slave presence disengages and disappears completely. I am beginning to realize there is a very deep connection between my slave self and a highly guarded and well-protected inner child. Once a covenant is broken it is very difficult to repair as the key gets thrown into the protected fortress and the inner child pockets it.
This weekend I spent an interesting morning in conversation on surrender and higher power and also on restoring sanity. There were some intense moments that touched a deep core within me and provoked sometimes conscious and unconscious responses and resistance. Two significant insights that I found myself spending the rest of the weekend in contemplation were 1) a very revealing comment unknowingly made by me and picked up on by my listener with regard to my own lack of self-worthiness when it comes time to step up to the plate and share the bounty of surrender/slavery/wants/needs/etc. and 2) a discordant relationship with faith and surrender with regard to higher power.
Last week I spent some time in discussion on specifically describing my personal deity - in looks, sounds, clothing, hair, features, and even gestures and postures. I found it very easy to describe this deity and could easily place a personality (or rather personalities) on it. And, I was able to describe my spiritual belief system in terms of the type of interaction I have with my deity and what I call the "Council" that sits in my head - or out of it when I'm dreaming - and even who makes up my Council of Advisors. I am aware my paternal grandfather holds a significant place at the table, along with my maternal grandmother, and then there are the Ancients whose wisdom, action, and voice are like that of Shamanic Medicine men and womyn. With such a vivid and active engagement of belief system, I still have a teenager's on-again-off-again level of engagement with the Council when it comes to matters of faith and trust. How very inconsistent and unfair of me to set the terms of such surrender. (For those of you who held back the typing on your reactions to my post on the 12-steps, I am smiling because I appreciate that surrender does not mean advocating personal responsibility or accountability, and while I know it, I still argue the point because I am obviously an ornery teenager when it comes to my relationship with spirit - kind of like: I hate you, and don't want to talk to you, but first can you take me to the mall?) I was not so amused to realize just how fickle my relationship with Spirit and Faith is as I examine the deeper desires and needs of my slave self, my sexuality, and my willingness to surrender to the journey. It's like I turn to the Council to decide whether to take a job or not, but ignore it when it comes to trusting it to guide the slave to its Master. Yeah - not so fast there girlie... either you surrender or you don't - and you're not because you are trying to negotiate the realms of decision making. The Council gets the day-to-day stuff, but you want the "life" stuff.... I am finally understanding just how twisted that form of rationalizing is.
As I traveled the highways of Arizona and was blessed with the energy and presence of its many forms of wildlife (elk, antelope, deer, squirrels, ducks, snakes and big horn sheep) I thought about my relationship with the Council and also deeply explored my sense of self-worth. I still find myself unworthy of slavery, intimacy and, ultimately, love. Ouch. And here I think I am a confident, competent and deserving person on so many other levels - yet, I feel like such a fraud on so many levels because, ultimately, I am unable to surrender to that higher power (Master?) who is capable of restoring me to my sanity/slavery. I deeply feel I am not worthy enough to be included in that circle of those I greatly admire and consider to be worthy of Mastery and slavery. It is fine for me to observe from the rim and to watch and listen, but I haven't done enough to actually partake from the same plate or be included in the same circles. Wow...where does this come from? And why?
Since returning home it has occurred to me to consult the Animal Speak book to examine the meanings of the various animals we encountered. The most numerous were the elk (about 100 seen); they represent strength and nobility. The messages it offers are: it can mean that you are about to hit your stride, or it may be to teach you to pace yourself more effectively, or that you may be giving up too soon, or not pursuing things enough, or trying for the quick and easy when the long and steady will be more effective. Then there were the mule deer who represent gentleness and innocence - gentle luring to new adventure. The messages it offers are: wanderer: mule deer never follow the same path twice, a natural defense that makes it less predictable to predators; it also reminds us to establish a strong healthy connection with the child and to be gentle with yourself and others. New inncence and freshness is about to be awakend or born. These two were the most prominent, and then the three big horn sheep that cross our path on the highway. The bighorn sheep represents a seeking of new beginnings. The ram is the astrological sign of Aries and tells us to assert ourself in new areas. The message it offers are: stimulation of great mental activity, curiosity and active imagination, it represents an ability to establish a foothold on a small space, and learnign to trust in your ability to land safely on your feet as you make new moves and new beginnings.
There are lots of things to process in just these two concepts and the encounters of the weekend. I also have to admit that I encountered a come-uppance of my insecurities and self-doubts when I felt twinges of envy touched with jealousy only yesterday afternoon. Yet another lesson in my own sense of self-worth, doubt in myself and others and the amount of work and communication I have before me.
I always said I wanted life to be an adventure. Guess I should have been more careful about what I asked for. Nah... I think it's exactly what I signed up for (but I don't have to like it and can I have a ride to the mall first?).
This weekend I spent an interesting morning in conversation on surrender and higher power and also on restoring sanity. There were some intense moments that touched a deep core within me and provoked sometimes conscious and unconscious responses and resistance. Two significant insights that I found myself spending the rest of the weekend in contemplation were 1) a very revealing comment unknowingly made by me and picked up on by my listener with regard to my own lack of self-worthiness when it comes time to step up to the plate and share the bounty of surrender/slavery/wants/needs/etc. and 2) a discordant relationship with faith and surrender with regard to higher power.
Last week I spent some time in discussion on specifically describing my personal deity - in looks, sounds, clothing, hair, features, and even gestures and postures. I found it very easy to describe this deity and could easily place a personality (or rather personalities) on it. And, I was able to describe my spiritual belief system in terms of the type of interaction I have with my deity and what I call the "Council" that sits in my head - or out of it when I'm dreaming - and even who makes up my Council of Advisors. I am aware my paternal grandfather holds a significant place at the table, along with my maternal grandmother, and then there are the Ancients whose wisdom, action, and voice are like that of Shamanic Medicine men and womyn. With such a vivid and active engagement of belief system, I still have a teenager's on-again-off-again level of engagement with the Council when it comes to matters of faith and trust. How very inconsistent and unfair of me to set the terms of such surrender. (For those of you who held back the typing on your reactions to my post on the 12-steps, I am smiling because I appreciate that surrender does not mean advocating personal responsibility or accountability, and while I know it, I still argue the point because I am obviously an ornery teenager when it comes to my relationship with spirit - kind of like: I hate you, and don't want to talk to you, but first can you take me to the mall?) I was not so amused to realize just how fickle my relationship with Spirit and Faith is as I examine the deeper desires and needs of my slave self, my sexuality, and my willingness to surrender to the journey. It's like I turn to the Council to decide whether to take a job or not, but ignore it when it comes to trusting it to guide the slave to its Master. Yeah - not so fast there girlie... either you surrender or you don't - and you're not because you are trying to negotiate the realms of decision making. The Council gets the day-to-day stuff, but you want the "life" stuff.... I am finally understanding just how twisted that form of rationalizing is.
As I traveled the highways of Arizona and was blessed with the energy and presence of its many forms of wildlife (elk, antelope, deer, squirrels, ducks, snakes and big horn sheep) I thought about my relationship with the Council and also deeply explored my sense of self-worth. I still find myself unworthy of slavery, intimacy and, ultimately, love. Ouch. And here I think I am a confident, competent and deserving person on so many other levels - yet, I feel like such a fraud on so many levels because, ultimately, I am unable to surrender to that higher power (Master?) who is capable of restoring me to my sanity/slavery. I deeply feel I am not worthy enough to be included in that circle of those I greatly admire and consider to be worthy of Mastery and slavery. It is fine for me to observe from the rim and to watch and listen, but I haven't done enough to actually partake from the same plate or be included in the same circles. Wow...where does this come from? And why?
Since returning home it has occurred to me to consult the Animal Speak book to examine the meanings of the various animals we encountered. The most numerous were the elk (about 100 seen); they represent strength and nobility. The messages it offers are: it can mean that you are about to hit your stride, or it may be to teach you to pace yourself more effectively, or that you may be giving up too soon, or not pursuing things enough, or trying for the quick and easy when the long and steady will be more effective. Then there were the mule deer who represent gentleness and innocence - gentle luring to new adventure. The messages it offers are: wanderer: mule deer never follow the same path twice, a natural defense that makes it less predictable to predators; it also reminds us to establish a strong healthy connection with the child and to be gentle with yourself and others. New inncence and freshness is about to be awakend or born. These two were the most prominent, and then the three big horn sheep that cross our path on the highway. The bighorn sheep represents a seeking of new beginnings. The ram is the astrological sign of Aries and tells us to assert ourself in new areas. The message it offers are: stimulation of great mental activity, curiosity and active imagination, it represents an ability to establish a foothold on a small space, and learnign to trust in your ability to land safely on your feet as you make new moves and new beginnings.
There are lots of things to process in just these two concepts and the encounters of the weekend. I also have to admit that I encountered a come-uppance of my insecurities and self-doubts when I felt twinges of envy touched with jealousy only yesterday afternoon. Yet another lesson in my own sense of self-worth, doubt in myself and others and the amount of work and communication I have before me.
I always said I wanted life to be an adventure. Guess I should have been more careful about what I asked for. Nah... I think it's exactly what I signed up for (but I don't have to like it and can I have a ride to the mall first?).