Balance becomes you, dear
I was looking for a quote I read once about fathers and daughters and ran across this one:
"There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."
Carl Jung
I'm beginning to find a balance between work, friends, my dad, and David. The last part I have neglected so far. I haven't written him a letter yet, or mailed anything, because if I did that, I wouldn't be able to remain in denial any longer. I enjoy my denial, it makes life a lot easier. If I ignore my friends, I don't have to worry about being torn between them and sleep. If I ignore my dad, I am in denial that he is getting old, that I miss him, need him and love him. It's easier to think of him as a distant uncle I talk to online once in a while than the man who I used to get up early for so I could help him wash his hair in the mornings, cause that was the only time we hung out together. I never realized til recently how absent my father was in my life, even when he was around. He was like that workaholic father that people born in the 50's are having mid-life crisis' over. What kind of father lets his daughter and wife vacation without him? What was it that was more important to my father than being around? Then I remember my grandmother, before she lost all her memory. She used to go into her room for days at a time, no matter what was going on outside, and hide. We would go on with life like it was normal, but I never understood why. I asked Papaw once, and he said that Mimi just gets sad sometimes and needs to be alone, and to just let her be. What would make my grandmother so sad that she didn't want to see me and my cousins? The words "clinical depression" were not in my vocabulary back then, not until my father started driving by my house all hours of the day to see if we were home or if my mother's boyfriend was at our house. It's a little term called "stalking", one that is often used in conjunction with "clinical depression", at least in my house. My mother told me once that she and my dad went to counseling at our church, and the pastors told her that she didn't need to come anymore, just my dad. He was the one with the issues, not my mom. Yet my mom stayed with him for 19 years, which makes me wonder what drugs she must have been on to last that long. I wish he hadn't moved away when I was little. But the distance has been a convenient excuse for both of us so we don't have to face the fact that he is a horrible father and I am a horrible daughter.
I bought three new swimsuits yesterday, which may not be exciting to anyone else, but to me makes my week happy! They were only 19 bucks each, and I got some cute patterns. I wear a swimsuit 5 out of the 7 days I work a week, and my last swimsuit was falling apart at the seams. Usually they're 40-60 bucks, so we'll see how well these hold up in the water. I haven't bought new swimsuits in about 4 years, and I bought a black one, a pretty retro orange and blue flowered one, and a turquoise/white striped one.
Time is flying by, at a rate that would usually be dizzying and depressing. But instead of dwelling on the fact that I no longer am in college, a serious comfort issue, or that the new kids at work were born in 1990, and I feel older than dirt, especially when my co-workers tell me I am, I choose to focus on the fact that I am in the 3rd month of David's deployment, with 9 months to go, and I am holding up fairly well. I have not had a melt down in over 2 months, I am off drugs, alcohol, and working on the cigarettes. (No promises folks, let's take one dependancy at a time). I am coming to terms with the fact that no one is going to magically notice the hard work I put in at work, because no one is around when I am working because I work at odd hours. So I talked with one of my managers and asked what I need to do to be promoted this summer. I am proactively working on a better me, and I'm finding a happy balance in that.
Here's to a new year, although a few weeks late, but bear with me as I bear with life until November of this year. (How exciting that I don't have to say November of next year" anymore!!!)
PS, I need a vacation soon, and I want to take a trip with some friends somewhere far away. It doesn't have to be expensive, but I need a break from this place. I was thinking maybe an extended beach trip, casino, Vegas or what sounds really good is Texas? San Antonio? The Island? Let me know. I need to recharge my brain.....
I love you guys, you are my rock.
"There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."
Carl Jung
I'm beginning to find a balance between work, friends, my dad, and David. The last part I have neglected so far. I haven't written him a letter yet, or mailed anything, because if I did that, I wouldn't be able to remain in denial any longer. I enjoy my denial, it makes life a lot easier. If I ignore my friends, I don't have to worry about being torn between them and sleep. If I ignore my dad, I am in denial that he is getting old, that I miss him, need him and love him. It's easier to think of him as a distant uncle I talk to online once in a while than the man who I used to get up early for so I could help him wash his hair in the mornings, cause that was the only time we hung out together. I never realized til recently how absent my father was in my life, even when he was around. He was like that workaholic father that people born in the 50's are having mid-life crisis' over. What kind of father lets his daughter and wife vacation without him? What was it that was more important to my father than being around? Then I remember my grandmother, before she lost all her memory. She used to go into her room for days at a time, no matter what was going on outside, and hide. We would go on with life like it was normal, but I never understood why. I asked Papaw once, and he said that Mimi just gets sad sometimes and needs to be alone, and to just let her be. What would make my grandmother so sad that she didn't want to see me and my cousins? The words "clinical depression" were not in my vocabulary back then, not until my father started driving by my house all hours of the day to see if we were home or if my mother's boyfriend was at our house. It's a little term called "stalking", one that is often used in conjunction with "clinical depression", at least in my house. My mother told me once that she and my dad went to counseling at our church, and the pastors told her that she didn't need to come anymore, just my dad. He was the one with the issues, not my mom. Yet my mom stayed with him for 19 years, which makes me wonder what drugs she must have been on to last that long. I wish he hadn't moved away when I was little. But the distance has been a convenient excuse for both of us so we don't have to face the fact that he is a horrible father and I am a horrible daughter.
I bought three new swimsuits yesterday, which may not be exciting to anyone else, but to me makes my week happy! They were only 19 bucks each, and I got some cute patterns. I wear a swimsuit 5 out of the 7 days I work a week, and my last swimsuit was falling apart at the seams. Usually they're 40-60 bucks, so we'll see how well these hold up in the water. I haven't bought new swimsuits in about 4 years, and I bought a black one, a pretty retro orange and blue flowered one, and a turquoise/white striped one.
Time is flying by, at a rate that would usually be dizzying and depressing. But instead of dwelling on the fact that I no longer am in college, a serious comfort issue, or that the new kids at work were born in 1990, and I feel older than dirt, especially when my co-workers tell me I am, I choose to focus on the fact that I am in the 3rd month of David's deployment, with 9 months to go, and I am holding up fairly well. I have not had a melt down in over 2 months, I am off drugs, alcohol, and working on the cigarettes. (No promises folks, let's take one dependancy at a time). I am coming to terms with the fact that no one is going to magically notice the hard work I put in at work, because no one is around when I am working because I work at odd hours. So I talked with one of my managers and asked what I need to do to be promoted this summer. I am proactively working on a better me, and I'm finding a happy balance in that.
Here's to a new year, although a few weeks late, but bear with me as I bear with life until November of this year. (How exciting that I don't have to say November of next year" anymore!!!)
PS, I need a vacation soon, and I want to take a trip with some friends somewhere far away. It doesn't have to be expensive, but I need a break from this place. I was thinking maybe an extended beach trip, casino, Vegas or what sounds really good is Texas? San Antonio? The Island? Let me know. I need to recharge my brain.....
I love you guys, you are my rock.