(no subject)
Title: A Place Where We Belong. Parts 13 and 14 of 14
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: R for sexual content
Summary: Finally it is done! I can't tell you a summary, it'd give it away. I hope it doesn't suck. :)
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with WL, I don't own or know Ry/Col, this is purely fiction, I make no profits. I own "Ron", but nobody's gonna want to steal him, anyway.
Notes: The "umbrella" title, A Place Where We Belong, is from an Air Supply song of the same name (don't own them, either). Listening to them reminds me of R/C. Don't ask. :)
Colin had a date with Ron tonight. It had been days since Ryan had left, days since Ryan had called. After the phone call that first night, Colin had been distraught all over again. He’d wondered why he’d called Ron so soon, he thought maybe he was doing the wrong thing, that maybe he should at least give Ryan a little time. But over the next few days, when he didn’t hear from Ryan again, he decided that no, he couldn’t sit there and wait for him. He put it in the back of his mind as a little blip in the radar that turned out to be nothing. It was a fling, he thought. Even though my friendship with Ryan won’t ever be the same, he pondered to himself, but I’m not thinking about that right now. After the first night, he’d taken Ryan’s wedding ring off, and the next day he dropped it in a padded envelope with a short note:
”You’ll be needing this.
Colin”
As he’d put it in the mailbox, he knew that there was no telling when he’d speak to Ryan again and certainly no way of knowing if and when he’d see him. As sad and disappointed as he was, Colin knew he had to move on. In the back of his mind, though, he added to that: “I have to move on…until further notice”.
But, at any rate, here he was, in front of the mirror in his room, getting ready for his date with Ron. He flashed back to the first date he’d had with Ron, when Ryan was still here. He half expected to hear Ryan calling him from the hall. He half expected that Ron would come over and the three of them would play cards. Or maybe Ron wouldn’t come over at all.
“Stop it, Mochrie,” Colin muttered to himself, eyeing his reflection critically.
Ron was nearly the same height as Ryan. When Colin answered the door that evening, letting Ron into the house with a peck on the lips, he slowly realized just how much Ron reminded him of Ryan. Colin tried to shake the thoughts. It was disappointing to him to realize that what he was doing was replacing Ryan with a facsimile that was nowhere close to the original. Ron had green eyes, too. His hair was darker than Ryan’s but his sense of humor was nearly the same. His body was not as lanky as Ryan’s, but his hands felt similar when he placed them on Colin’s shoulders. Colin was pouring drinks.
“Where do you want to go for dinner?” he asked.
Ron shrugged. “What do you feel like?”
Colin turned, holding the drinks. “You know? I’m not that hungry.”
Ron looked vaguely disappointed. “What ever happened to the other guy you were seeing?”
Colin set the drinks down and joined Ron at the table, sipping slowly. “Nothing. It just wasn’t working out. You know how it is.”
Ron chuckled. “Yeah. Well, I’m glad you called me. I really wanted to take you out tonight, but if you’re not hungry we can watch a movie or something.”
“That would be better, if you don’t mind,” Colin nodded, smiling what he hoped was a realistic smile.
They watched Being John Malkovich, as Colin had it in his DVD collection.
“Gotta love Spike Jonze,” Ron murmured about halfway through the movie, when the two of them were chuckling over something weird that was going on.
“Yeah,” Colin replied, trying not to notice that Ron’s arm had crept across his shoulders. They were seated closely on the couch. Too closely, Colin now thought. He wished it was Ryan. But no, he resolved, I’m going to just let whatever happens happen with this guy. He’s a nice guy and he really likes me, and I’m not holding out for Ryan. Fucking Ryan. Fuck him. Suddenly, Colin turned to Ron, leaning into the man’s side, letting Ron pull him closer. Colin’s face was upturned, and Ron was leaning down. Colin felt Ron’s lips against his own, tongue pushing his lips apart. He thrust his tongue into Ron’s mouth, finding an energy and strength that he hadn’t had for days; climbing onto the other man’s lap, straddling him. The heels of Colin’s hands pressed against Ron’s clavicles, his fingers squeezing Ron’s shoulders. Colin kissed roughly, trying to bite Ron’s lower lip.
“Mmmm…” Ron muttered, grabbing Colin’s shoulders as well, then sliding his hands down the man’s front to undo his belt. Colin felt the waistband of his pants loosen, heard the swishing sound as his belt was yanked free. Ron’s eager fingers were undoing his button, and Colin heard the metallic scrape of his fly being opened.
Ron’s hands were warm on his bare skin, in his open pants, making him hard. Colin scooted forward, his belly pressed against Ron’s, until he could feel Ron’s hardness against him. Then Ron grabbed him, hoisting him off of his lap and onto the couch. Colin was on his back and Ron was over him, his body bearing down on Colin’s. Ron was kissing him, returning the bites that Colin had given him just before.
Colin’s eyes were closed. He wasn’t thinking about Ron. He was thinking about the last time he’d had sex with Ryan. He was thinking about Ryan’s fingers wrapped around his wrists, Ryan taking control, Ryan over him, hot wet tongue and sinewy naked body. Colin was at least as strong as Ryan. In the right situations, because of Ryan’s bad back, he was stronger. He could pick Ryan up but Ryan couldn’t lift him.
Colin didn’t want to think about Ryan anymore.
He opened his eyes. Ron was kissing his neck.
“Let’s go upstairs,” Colin muttered.
“Yeah?” Ron questioned, lifting his head to look down at Colin.
Colin’s lust was like inertia. His body had stopped but the feeling still rushed through him, turning his voice to gravel. “You don’t want to?”
Ron laughed hoarsely. “Sure. But I do really like you Colin.”
Colin lifted a hand, placing his palm on Ron’s cheek. “I like you, too.”
Ron smiled. He climbed off of Colin and Colin stood up, taking Ron’s hand and leading him towards the steps. Now this guy’s me, Colin thought, and I’m Ryan.
***
Ryan got the padded envelope. It had arrived earlier that afternoon, the same day that would turn into the night of Colin’s date. Pat had actually gotten the mail, coming in and calling to Ryan that he had a package from Colin. Ryan had felt his heart jump at that announcement, excusing himself from the floor where he’d been playing Uno Attack with Mac and Sam and heading into the kitchen to get his mail.
The days that had passed since he’d talked to Colin had been strange. Ryan hadn’t really talked about anything of any consequence with Pat, and it was taking a toll on him. He wanted to call Colin, but he knew he’d run out of excuses. He knew he had nothing to say that could make up for what he did. The time was running out for him to make some kind of admission. He knew he had to confess, to be honest with someone about this, to be honest with himself. Pat was warming up to him again, coming up behind him and encircling his waist with her arms. Ryan would feel her breasts against his back and it did nothing for him. He knew he was putting her emotions in detriment again.
Ryan slid a finger under the flap of the envelope, severing the glue from the paper and opening the brown padded package. Pat had gone down to the basement to move laundry from the washer to the dryer. Ryan’s hand rummaged inside the envelope, and his fingers brushed something hard and cold. He pulled it out. His wedding ring. He peeled the piece of tape off of the ring and read the note that was attached to it.
“You’ll be needing this.
Colin”
It wasn’t what Ryan had been expecting. He swallowed, staring at the ring. He put the ring and the note on the counter and laced his fingers together, eyeing the slightly pale spot on his finger where the ring usually was. Pat hadn’t yet noticed its absence. Ryan remembered taking it off at Colin’s house, before he headed to the hotel to talk to Pat. He’d removed it because he’d known he didn’t want to wear it anymore. It was the symbol of a love that wasn’t what it was pretending to be and when he’d taken the ring off, he’d almost felt courageous. He’d grinned, placing it on the dresser in the guest bedroom. Even after he’d returned from the hotel, defeated, feeling like a coward, he hadn’t put the ring back on. He hadn’t wanted to. He didn’t want to now.
Ryan heard Pat’s footsteps ascending the basement stairs. She came into the kitchen.
“What’d Colin send you, sweetie?” She was smiling, curious.
Ryan looked down at the ring again and felt his heart begin to beat faster. He met Pat’s eyes.
“We have to talk.” Ryan was relieved to hear his voice emerge strong and unwavering.
Strange days have found us
And through their strange hours
We linger alone
Bodies confused
Memories misused
As we run from the day
To a strange night of stone-The Doors, Strange Days
TBC
For who will tell the story
Except someone like me
Of tragedy and glory
Of lovers as they walk so blindly
And try to find a place where they belong
We all must find a place where we belong-Air Supply, A Place Where We Belong
Ryan was scared to death of flying. He tried to avoid it if at all possible. Now, as the gate attendant was calling passengers to board, row by row, Ryan tried not to think about the flying he’d done recently to and from Colin’s. The way he figured it, since this was his third flight in a relatively short period of time, there was a fairly even chance that this would be the plane that would crash. Ryan felt himself starting to sweat. He put the thought out of his head. The attendant was checking his boarding pass.
“Enjoy your flight, sir,” she smiled.
He stared at her. “Right.”
She looked baffled as he made his way past her and on to the plane, pill under his tongue. Ryan buckled his seatbelt quickly, fingers shaking, before the plane even began to taxi down the runway. The only way he could stand to fly was if he could take something, and preferably have an in-flight drink on top of that. He couldn’t wait until the pill that had dissolved in his mouth a few seconds ago began to take effect. On the way to Colin’s the first time, he’d had to have a flight attendant at his side practically the whole time. On his way back to California, he’d had his pills and he’d had Pat. Now, he was on his way to Colin’s again, and he was alone. Normally, Ryan would have gotten off the plane by this time. The flight attendants were doing their in-case-of-an-emergency speech. The only reason Ryan didn’t get up and leave was because of the destination to which this plane was taking him.
Besides, he thought to himself, listening to the massive jet engines and feeling them hum, there’s no way I’m backing out now. He’d finally told Pat the truth, admitted to her that the affair with the woman had nothing to do with this. He’d told her that he was in love with Colin. He’d told her that he didn’t think there was any way he’d be able to stay in Sherman Oaks, pretending everything was fine, when in reality he just didn’t feel that way anymore. Now, Ryan knew he’d be mired in divorce proceedings and custody issues for who knew how long into the future. The separation hadn’t gone horribly. Pat and Ryan had been as close of friends as Ryan and Colin for just as long. They agreed to try and make this as easy as possible for themselves and for the benefit of their kids. But when Ryan pressed his wedding ring into the palm of Pat’s hand, and looked into her eyes, he knew that he was going to have to take responsibility for the pain and upheaval he was causing this woman. It wasn’t going to be easy. No, he thought as the plane climbed into the air, there is no backing out. But if he hadn’t been so afraid as the plane lifted towards cruising altitude, he would have smiled to himself. He was happy not to be backing out. He was no longer a coward, and now he was going back to Colin, with whom he was in love.
***
Colin didn’t know that Ryan was on a plane. Colin was in bed with Ron. It had been four days since his date with Ron, since they had slept together in Colin’s bed for the first time, since Ryan had received the padded envelope in the mail. It had been a week and a half since he’d spoken to Ryan. Colin was in bed with Ron for the third time in five days, and for the first time, he wasn’t thinking about Ryan.
Colin’s head was resting on Ron’s chest. Ron’s breathing was steady and comforting, his breath hitting the top of Colin’s head. Ron’s arms were wrapped around Colin and Colin’s hand was on Ron’s belly, feeling it rise and fall.
Colin felt Ron’s lips against the top of his head. He smiled.
“Hey,” Colin said.
“Hey, sweetie,” Ron replied. Colin could hear the smile in the other man’s voice.
“So what do you want to do today?”
Colin felt the movement as Ron shrugged gently. “I don’t know. There’s a couple movies out that I might want to see. What do you think?”
“Sure. Maybe. We can check out the listings.”
“Mmkay. Sounds good,” Ron replied. “Hey, listen, Col. I have to ask you something.”
“OK…”
“What do you think about…” Ron hesitated. Colin lifted his head.
“What?”
“Well, I really like you, Colin.”
Colin smiled. “I like you, too. Even though you’re acting bizarre.”
Ron laughed quietly. “Well, the thing is that right before you told me you had met someone else, well, I met someone else. And we’ve been seeing each other. The thing is, I like him, also. So. I wanted to make sure it was alright for you if I was seeing someone else…at the same time.”
Colin stared. “I…I guess so.” Now Colin was thinking about Ryan. He put his head back down on Ron’s chest, which was suddenly uncomfortable. He rolled over to his own side of the bed, rolling away from Ron and pulling the blanket over him.
“Oh, Colin, I knew this would happen. Listen, we haven’t been dating for that long. I mean, even with our previous dates it’s only been a little over a month. I really like you, Colin,” Ron’s voice was so sympathetic.
“I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal,” Colin replied. “It’s not a big deal. But…can you just leave me alone for a little while?”
“Come on, Colin,” Ron’s voice was a little bit impatient this time.
“You don’t understand, Ron. I can’t explain it right now, OK? Please. Just leave me alone for a while.” Colin allowed some of his own annoyance to seep into his tone this time. He felt he had a right to be annoyed. He was tired of being treated in a way that made him feel like the second choice.
Ron hesitated before finally rolling out of the bed. Colin watched him pull his clothes on.
“Can I call you later?” Ron asked, his voice low.
Colin nodded. Ron leaned down and pecked Colin on the mouth. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m sorry if I…”
“It’s fine. It’s not you, OK? Call me later if you want,” Colin said. Ron nodded. Then he left. Colin listened to Ron descending the stairs and heard the front door a minute later as it closed.
When Colin was a kid, he’d never wanted to cry in front of his parents, or anybody else. If he had to cry, he would run to his room, leap into his bed, pull the covers completely over himself, and bury his face in a pillow so nobody would know he was crying. He thought about the day that Ryan had left. He had done the same thing, his mouth jammed into a pillow as he heard Ryan say to Pat, “Colin’s not feeling well. We shouldn’t bother him.” He thought of that now and it bothered him. He thought for a minute he might cry now, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. He was beyond tears.
***
Ryan had his eyes squeezed shut. His knuckles were completely white, his face was pale; he felt lightheaded. The plane was descending. Ryan would sometimes think of hoedowns during landing or taking off. It was the only time he even remotely enjoyed a hoedown, because the tune and the rhyme were strangely soothing to him, if only a little bit. He tried to come up with one in his head now: “Oooh, I am on an airplane/ It’s landing on the ground/ At least I can be happy that we haven’t crashed right down/ Can’t wait till this is over/ And I am on dry land/ Maybe next time I’ll let the flight attendant hold my hand….attendant hold my haaand.” Ryan berated himself silently. I used to be so much better at that, he thought. But he felt a slight jarring as the wheels of the plane hit the tarmac, and he opened his eyes, silently thanking whatever higher power had gotten him through another flight.
Ryan thanked the same higher power when his luggage came through the baggage area and he was able to grab the bags and make his way out of the airport. He hadn’t brought as much luggage this time as he had the first. He knew he’d have to return to California over the course of the divorce proceedings and would be able to gradually get the rest of his things then. In the back of his mind, Ryan also knew that there was the possibility that Colin might reject him this time. Maybe Colin had hit it off again with Ron. Ryan tried not to think about that. He was almost afraid that his bad karma would come back to get him, but he told himself he didn’t believe in that stuff.
Ryan hailed a cab and directed the driver to Colin’s address.
***
Colin rolled over in bed, his heavy eyelids slowly opening. He felt groggy and he felt disoriented. His eyes were bleary and he had no idea what time it was. He glanced at the clock. He’d fallen asleep a few hours ago. Then he glanced at the phone, where the indicator light was blinking; someone had called. Colin rolled away from the blinking light and shut his eyes, letting his head sink back down into the pillow. The phone call could have been anyone. But chances were it was either Ron or Ryan, and Colin didn’t particularly care to talk to either of them. He fell easily back to sleep, exhausted from sheer emotion.
***
Ryan was banging on the door. The cab had driven away, so now, if nobody answered the door at Colin’s house, he wasn’t sure what he would do. Ryan banged on the door again, closed fisted.
“Come on, Colin,” he muttered to himself. “You can’t hate me that much.”
Still, no answer. “Shit!” Ryan exclaimed quietly, looking around. He wondered how bad it would look to the neighbors if he broke in through a downstairs window. He sighed, staring at the doorknob, and then shrugged. Might as well try it, he thought. He reached out and twisted the doorknob, and it actually turned. The door was unlocked. Ryan grinned, stepping inside with his bags and shutting the door behind him.
“Colin?” he called. “Col? You home?”
Colin barely moved in the bed upstairs, unaware that anyone was in the house, unaware that Ron had failed to lock the door when he’d left earlier. Colin heard his name in his dream, but he didn’t even roll over, he was deeply asleep.
Ryan called out to Colin again, his bags lying in the front hallway as he searched the downstairs for his friend. Still, there was no answer. Ryan wondered why the door was unlocked but Colin appeared not to be at home. Then he wondered why, if Colin was home, the man wasn’t answering him.
“I’m not playing, Col,” he called out, heading up the steps.
Ryan wandered into Colin’s bedroom, not really expecting to find him at all. He thought that Colin had probably gone out and just neglected to lock the door by mistake. Ryan stopped short when he saw the sleeping figure in the bed.
“Col?” he said softly. “Colin?”
The sleeping man murmured incoherently, but didn’t move. Ryan sat gingerly on the bed, putting a hand on Colin’s shoulder. Colin was on his side, facing away from Ryan.
Ryan gave Colin a gentle shake.
“Colin. Wake up. It’s me. Wake up, Col,” Ryan spoke soothingly.
“Go ‘way, Ron.” Colin muttered.
Ryan couldn’t help but grin. “It’s not Ron,” he said in a normal tone of voice.
At the clear sound of a voice, so close, Colin started, rolling over quickly. His eyes flew open as he realized he wasn’t dreaming. He stifled a yell. He didn’t really believe his eyes when he found himself looking up into Ryan’s face. Then Ryan’s hands were on his shoulders and Ryan’s voice was again in his ears.
“I’m sorry, Col. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Ryan was smiling. “I knocked and I called your name a bunch of times. Someone left the door unlocked.”
“Ryan?” Colin couldn’t manage to say anything else just then.
“I’m sorry, Col. I didn’t mean…” Ryan started to repeat himself.
Colin interrupted, shaking his head. “No, no. I heard you. I mean, how did you…what happened? Is everything OK?”
Ryan nodded. “Yeah, everything’s fine.” Ryan had taken his hands from Colin’s shoulders and was intertwining his fingers in his lap, his leg bouncing. Colin looked at Ryan’s hands. No wedding band. He looked back up into Ryan’s face, not knowing what to ask, just waiting for Ryan to talk.
“Colin. I am so sorry for acting like such a jackass about this whole thing. I broke up with Pat. I mean, I finally told her the truth. I told her that I’m in love with you and that I can’t stay with her anymore,” Ryan alternated between making eye contact with Colin and staring down at his lap. “I…I know you’re seeing Ron. I didn’t really expect you to wait for me to come back. I know it was a lot to ask. You didn’t even know I was coming. But I do love you, Col. So…So…” Ryan shrugged. He wasn’t sure how to finish his sentence. For the first time, he truly believed that Colin might turn him away. Not because he couldn’t forgive him, but because he’d fallen for Ron instead.
Colin cleared his throat. “I…I can’t believe you’re here. I mean I really can’t believe it. You flew. Again! But, um, anyway, Ron and I…well, we’re not serious.”
“You’re not?”
“Nah,” Colin shook his head, lowering his eyes. Ryan’s fingers were under his chin, lifting it.
“You can tell me,” he said.
“I know I can.”
They were both quiet.
“So. You broke up with Pat?” Colin asked.
“Yeah,” Ryan held his hands up. “No wedding ring. See?”
Colin nodded, not saying anything.
“I’m so in love with you, Col,” Ryan said hoarsely. “Is it too late now?”
“No. No. It’s not too late, Ryan. I’m still in love with you, you goof,” Colin cracked a smile, his doe eyes shining.
Ryan let out a huge sigh of relief, a smile gracing his face, green eyes twinkling. He reached for Colin, and Colin reached back, the two embracing warmly. “I’m so glad you said that!” Ryan said, his voice next to Colin’s ear.
“I’m glad you came back,” Colin laughed.
When they separated, Ryan asked, “So you’re not mad that I was a total asshole?”
“Not anymore,” Colin said, shrugging. “I know how hard it is. Parallel lives, remember?”
Ryan leaned down to kiss Colin. When his lips met Colin’s lips, he couldn’t believe he’d taken so long to get to this point. He took Colin’s face in his hands, unwilling to ever break the kiss they were sharing. He felt like no matter what else happened, it could work out because he would be with Colin, which was exactly where he belonged.
If destiny has spoken
If finally the dawn has broken
We all must find a place where we belong-Air Supply, A Place Where We Belong
The End.
If you read this, any or all of it, THANK YOU!!! :)
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: R for sexual content
Summary: Finally it is done! I can't tell you a summary, it'd give it away. I hope it doesn't suck. :)
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with WL, I don't own or know Ry/Col, this is purely fiction, I make no profits. I own "Ron", but nobody's gonna want to steal him, anyway.
Notes: The "umbrella" title, A Place Where We Belong, is from an Air Supply song of the same name (don't own them, either). Listening to them reminds me of R/C. Don't ask. :)
Colin had a date with Ron tonight. It had been days since Ryan had left, days since Ryan had called. After the phone call that first night, Colin had been distraught all over again. He’d wondered why he’d called Ron so soon, he thought maybe he was doing the wrong thing, that maybe he should at least give Ryan a little time. But over the next few days, when he didn’t hear from Ryan again, he decided that no, he couldn’t sit there and wait for him. He put it in the back of his mind as a little blip in the radar that turned out to be nothing. It was a fling, he thought. Even though my friendship with Ryan won’t ever be the same, he pondered to himself, but I’m not thinking about that right now. After the first night, he’d taken Ryan’s wedding ring off, and the next day he dropped it in a padded envelope with a short note:
”You’ll be needing this.
Colin”
As he’d put it in the mailbox, he knew that there was no telling when he’d speak to Ryan again and certainly no way of knowing if and when he’d see him. As sad and disappointed as he was, Colin knew he had to move on. In the back of his mind, though, he added to that: “I have to move on…until further notice”.
But, at any rate, here he was, in front of the mirror in his room, getting ready for his date with Ron. He flashed back to the first date he’d had with Ron, when Ryan was still here. He half expected to hear Ryan calling him from the hall. He half expected that Ron would come over and the three of them would play cards. Or maybe Ron wouldn’t come over at all.
“Stop it, Mochrie,” Colin muttered to himself, eyeing his reflection critically.
Ron was nearly the same height as Ryan. When Colin answered the door that evening, letting Ron into the house with a peck on the lips, he slowly realized just how much Ron reminded him of Ryan. Colin tried to shake the thoughts. It was disappointing to him to realize that what he was doing was replacing Ryan with a facsimile that was nowhere close to the original. Ron had green eyes, too. His hair was darker than Ryan’s but his sense of humor was nearly the same. His body was not as lanky as Ryan’s, but his hands felt similar when he placed them on Colin’s shoulders. Colin was pouring drinks.
“Where do you want to go for dinner?” he asked.
Ron shrugged. “What do you feel like?”
Colin turned, holding the drinks. “You know? I’m not that hungry.”
Ron looked vaguely disappointed. “What ever happened to the other guy you were seeing?”
Colin set the drinks down and joined Ron at the table, sipping slowly. “Nothing. It just wasn’t working out. You know how it is.”
Ron chuckled. “Yeah. Well, I’m glad you called me. I really wanted to take you out tonight, but if you’re not hungry we can watch a movie or something.”
“That would be better, if you don’t mind,” Colin nodded, smiling what he hoped was a realistic smile.
They watched Being John Malkovich, as Colin had it in his DVD collection.
“Gotta love Spike Jonze,” Ron murmured about halfway through the movie, when the two of them were chuckling over something weird that was going on.
“Yeah,” Colin replied, trying not to notice that Ron’s arm had crept across his shoulders. They were seated closely on the couch. Too closely, Colin now thought. He wished it was Ryan. But no, he resolved, I’m going to just let whatever happens happen with this guy. He’s a nice guy and he really likes me, and I’m not holding out for Ryan. Fucking Ryan. Fuck him. Suddenly, Colin turned to Ron, leaning into the man’s side, letting Ron pull him closer. Colin’s face was upturned, and Ron was leaning down. Colin felt Ron’s lips against his own, tongue pushing his lips apart. He thrust his tongue into Ron’s mouth, finding an energy and strength that he hadn’t had for days; climbing onto the other man’s lap, straddling him. The heels of Colin’s hands pressed against Ron’s clavicles, his fingers squeezing Ron’s shoulders. Colin kissed roughly, trying to bite Ron’s lower lip.
“Mmmm…” Ron muttered, grabbing Colin’s shoulders as well, then sliding his hands down the man’s front to undo his belt. Colin felt the waistband of his pants loosen, heard the swishing sound as his belt was yanked free. Ron’s eager fingers were undoing his button, and Colin heard the metallic scrape of his fly being opened.
Ron’s hands were warm on his bare skin, in his open pants, making him hard. Colin scooted forward, his belly pressed against Ron’s, until he could feel Ron’s hardness against him. Then Ron grabbed him, hoisting him off of his lap and onto the couch. Colin was on his back and Ron was over him, his body bearing down on Colin’s. Ron was kissing him, returning the bites that Colin had given him just before.
Colin’s eyes were closed. He wasn’t thinking about Ron. He was thinking about the last time he’d had sex with Ryan. He was thinking about Ryan’s fingers wrapped around his wrists, Ryan taking control, Ryan over him, hot wet tongue and sinewy naked body. Colin was at least as strong as Ryan. In the right situations, because of Ryan’s bad back, he was stronger. He could pick Ryan up but Ryan couldn’t lift him.
Colin didn’t want to think about Ryan anymore.
He opened his eyes. Ron was kissing his neck.
“Let’s go upstairs,” Colin muttered.
“Yeah?” Ron questioned, lifting his head to look down at Colin.
Colin’s lust was like inertia. His body had stopped but the feeling still rushed through him, turning his voice to gravel. “You don’t want to?”
Ron laughed hoarsely. “Sure. But I do really like you Colin.”
Colin lifted a hand, placing his palm on Ron’s cheek. “I like you, too.”
Ron smiled. He climbed off of Colin and Colin stood up, taking Ron’s hand and leading him towards the steps. Now this guy’s me, Colin thought, and I’m Ryan.
***
Ryan got the padded envelope. It had arrived earlier that afternoon, the same day that would turn into the night of Colin’s date. Pat had actually gotten the mail, coming in and calling to Ryan that he had a package from Colin. Ryan had felt his heart jump at that announcement, excusing himself from the floor where he’d been playing Uno Attack with Mac and Sam and heading into the kitchen to get his mail.
The days that had passed since he’d talked to Colin had been strange. Ryan hadn’t really talked about anything of any consequence with Pat, and it was taking a toll on him. He wanted to call Colin, but he knew he’d run out of excuses. He knew he had nothing to say that could make up for what he did. The time was running out for him to make some kind of admission. He knew he had to confess, to be honest with someone about this, to be honest with himself. Pat was warming up to him again, coming up behind him and encircling his waist with her arms. Ryan would feel her breasts against his back and it did nothing for him. He knew he was putting her emotions in detriment again.
Ryan slid a finger under the flap of the envelope, severing the glue from the paper and opening the brown padded package. Pat had gone down to the basement to move laundry from the washer to the dryer. Ryan’s hand rummaged inside the envelope, and his fingers brushed something hard and cold. He pulled it out. His wedding ring. He peeled the piece of tape off of the ring and read the note that was attached to it.
“You’ll be needing this.
Colin”
It wasn’t what Ryan had been expecting. He swallowed, staring at the ring. He put the ring and the note on the counter and laced his fingers together, eyeing the slightly pale spot on his finger where the ring usually was. Pat hadn’t yet noticed its absence. Ryan remembered taking it off at Colin’s house, before he headed to the hotel to talk to Pat. He’d removed it because he’d known he didn’t want to wear it anymore. It was the symbol of a love that wasn’t what it was pretending to be and when he’d taken the ring off, he’d almost felt courageous. He’d grinned, placing it on the dresser in the guest bedroom. Even after he’d returned from the hotel, defeated, feeling like a coward, he hadn’t put the ring back on. He hadn’t wanted to. He didn’t want to now.
Ryan heard Pat’s footsteps ascending the basement stairs. She came into the kitchen.
“What’d Colin send you, sweetie?” She was smiling, curious.
Ryan looked down at the ring again and felt his heart begin to beat faster. He met Pat’s eyes.
“We have to talk.” Ryan was relieved to hear his voice emerge strong and unwavering.
Strange days have found us
And through their strange hours
We linger alone
Bodies confused
Memories misused
As we run from the day
To a strange night of stone-The Doors, Strange Days
TBC
For who will tell the story
Except someone like me
Of tragedy and glory
Of lovers as they walk so blindly
And try to find a place where they belong
We all must find a place where we belong-Air Supply, A Place Where We Belong
Ryan was scared to death of flying. He tried to avoid it if at all possible. Now, as the gate attendant was calling passengers to board, row by row, Ryan tried not to think about the flying he’d done recently to and from Colin’s. The way he figured it, since this was his third flight in a relatively short period of time, there was a fairly even chance that this would be the plane that would crash. Ryan felt himself starting to sweat. He put the thought out of his head. The attendant was checking his boarding pass.
“Enjoy your flight, sir,” she smiled.
He stared at her. “Right.”
She looked baffled as he made his way past her and on to the plane, pill under his tongue. Ryan buckled his seatbelt quickly, fingers shaking, before the plane even began to taxi down the runway. The only way he could stand to fly was if he could take something, and preferably have an in-flight drink on top of that. He couldn’t wait until the pill that had dissolved in his mouth a few seconds ago began to take effect. On the way to Colin’s the first time, he’d had to have a flight attendant at his side practically the whole time. On his way back to California, he’d had his pills and he’d had Pat. Now, he was on his way to Colin’s again, and he was alone. Normally, Ryan would have gotten off the plane by this time. The flight attendants were doing their in-case-of-an-emergency speech. The only reason Ryan didn’t get up and leave was because of the destination to which this plane was taking him.
Besides, he thought to himself, listening to the massive jet engines and feeling them hum, there’s no way I’m backing out now. He’d finally told Pat the truth, admitted to her that the affair with the woman had nothing to do with this. He’d told her that he was in love with Colin. He’d told her that he didn’t think there was any way he’d be able to stay in Sherman Oaks, pretending everything was fine, when in reality he just didn’t feel that way anymore. Now, Ryan knew he’d be mired in divorce proceedings and custody issues for who knew how long into the future. The separation hadn’t gone horribly. Pat and Ryan had been as close of friends as Ryan and Colin for just as long. They agreed to try and make this as easy as possible for themselves and for the benefit of their kids. But when Ryan pressed his wedding ring into the palm of Pat’s hand, and looked into her eyes, he knew that he was going to have to take responsibility for the pain and upheaval he was causing this woman. It wasn’t going to be easy. No, he thought as the plane climbed into the air, there is no backing out. But if he hadn’t been so afraid as the plane lifted towards cruising altitude, he would have smiled to himself. He was happy not to be backing out. He was no longer a coward, and now he was going back to Colin, with whom he was in love.
***
Colin didn’t know that Ryan was on a plane. Colin was in bed with Ron. It had been four days since his date with Ron, since they had slept together in Colin’s bed for the first time, since Ryan had received the padded envelope in the mail. It had been a week and a half since he’d spoken to Ryan. Colin was in bed with Ron for the third time in five days, and for the first time, he wasn’t thinking about Ryan.
Colin’s head was resting on Ron’s chest. Ron’s breathing was steady and comforting, his breath hitting the top of Colin’s head. Ron’s arms were wrapped around Colin and Colin’s hand was on Ron’s belly, feeling it rise and fall.
Colin felt Ron’s lips against the top of his head. He smiled.
“Hey,” Colin said.
“Hey, sweetie,” Ron replied. Colin could hear the smile in the other man’s voice.
“So what do you want to do today?”
Colin felt the movement as Ron shrugged gently. “I don’t know. There’s a couple movies out that I might want to see. What do you think?”
“Sure. Maybe. We can check out the listings.”
“Mmkay. Sounds good,” Ron replied. “Hey, listen, Col. I have to ask you something.”
“OK…”
“What do you think about…” Ron hesitated. Colin lifted his head.
“What?”
“Well, I really like you, Colin.”
Colin smiled. “I like you, too. Even though you’re acting bizarre.”
Ron laughed quietly. “Well, the thing is that right before you told me you had met someone else, well, I met someone else. And we’ve been seeing each other. The thing is, I like him, also. So. I wanted to make sure it was alright for you if I was seeing someone else…at the same time.”
Colin stared. “I…I guess so.” Now Colin was thinking about Ryan. He put his head back down on Ron’s chest, which was suddenly uncomfortable. He rolled over to his own side of the bed, rolling away from Ron and pulling the blanket over him.
“Oh, Colin, I knew this would happen. Listen, we haven’t been dating for that long. I mean, even with our previous dates it’s only been a little over a month. I really like you, Colin,” Ron’s voice was so sympathetic.
“I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal,” Colin replied. “It’s not a big deal. But…can you just leave me alone for a little while?”
“Come on, Colin,” Ron’s voice was a little bit impatient this time.
“You don’t understand, Ron. I can’t explain it right now, OK? Please. Just leave me alone for a while.” Colin allowed some of his own annoyance to seep into his tone this time. He felt he had a right to be annoyed. He was tired of being treated in a way that made him feel like the second choice.
Ron hesitated before finally rolling out of the bed. Colin watched him pull his clothes on.
“Can I call you later?” Ron asked, his voice low.
Colin nodded. Ron leaned down and pecked Colin on the mouth. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m sorry if I…”
“It’s fine. It’s not you, OK? Call me later if you want,” Colin said. Ron nodded. Then he left. Colin listened to Ron descending the stairs and heard the front door a minute later as it closed.
When Colin was a kid, he’d never wanted to cry in front of his parents, or anybody else. If he had to cry, he would run to his room, leap into his bed, pull the covers completely over himself, and bury his face in a pillow so nobody would know he was crying. He thought about the day that Ryan had left. He had done the same thing, his mouth jammed into a pillow as he heard Ryan say to Pat, “Colin’s not feeling well. We shouldn’t bother him.” He thought of that now and it bothered him. He thought for a minute he might cry now, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. He was beyond tears.
***
Ryan had his eyes squeezed shut. His knuckles were completely white, his face was pale; he felt lightheaded. The plane was descending. Ryan would sometimes think of hoedowns during landing or taking off. It was the only time he even remotely enjoyed a hoedown, because the tune and the rhyme were strangely soothing to him, if only a little bit. He tried to come up with one in his head now: “Oooh, I am on an airplane/ It’s landing on the ground/ At least I can be happy that we haven’t crashed right down/ Can’t wait till this is over/ And I am on dry land/ Maybe next time I’ll let the flight attendant hold my hand….attendant hold my haaand.” Ryan berated himself silently. I used to be so much better at that, he thought. But he felt a slight jarring as the wheels of the plane hit the tarmac, and he opened his eyes, silently thanking whatever higher power had gotten him through another flight.
Ryan thanked the same higher power when his luggage came through the baggage area and he was able to grab the bags and make his way out of the airport. He hadn’t brought as much luggage this time as he had the first. He knew he’d have to return to California over the course of the divorce proceedings and would be able to gradually get the rest of his things then. In the back of his mind, Ryan also knew that there was the possibility that Colin might reject him this time. Maybe Colin had hit it off again with Ron. Ryan tried not to think about that. He was almost afraid that his bad karma would come back to get him, but he told himself he didn’t believe in that stuff.
Ryan hailed a cab and directed the driver to Colin’s address.
***
Colin rolled over in bed, his heavy eyelids slowly opening. He felt groggy and he felt disoriented. His eyes were bleary and he had no idea what time it was. He glanced at the clock. He’d fallen asleep a few hours ago. Then he glanced at the phone, where the indicator light was blinking; someone had called. Colin rolled away from the blinking light and shut his eyes, letting his head sink back down into the pillow. The phone call could have been anyone. But chances were it was either Ron or Ryan, and Colin didn’t particularly care to talk to either of them. He fell easily back to sleep, exhausted from sheer emotion.
***
Ryan was banging on the door. The cab had driven away, so now, if nobody answered the door at Colin’s house, he wasn’t sure what he would do. Ryan banged on the door again, closed fisted.
“Come on, Colin,” he muttered to himself. “You can’t hate me that much.”
Still, no answer. “Shit!” Ryan exclaimed quietly, looking around. He wondered how bad it would look to the neighbors if he broke in through a downstairs window. He sighed, staring at the doorknob, and then shrugged. Might as well try it, he thought. He reached out and twisted the doorknob, and it actually turned. The door was unlocked. Ryan grinned, stepping inside with his bags and shutting the door behind him.
“Colin?” he called. “Col? You home?”
Colin barely moved in the bed upstairs, unaware that anyone was in the house, unaware that Ron had failed to lock the door when he’d left earlier. Colin heard his name in his dream, but he didn’t even roll over, he was deeply asleep.
Ryan called out to Colin again, his bags lying in the front hallway as he searched the downstairs for his friend. Still, there was no answer. Ryan wondered why the door was unlocked but Colin appeared not to be at home. Then he wondered why, if Colin was home, the man wasn’t answering him.
“I’m not playing, Col,” he called out, heading up the steps.
Ryan wandered into Colin’s bedroom, not really expecting to find him at all. He thought that Colin had probably gone out and just neglected to lock the door by mistake. Ryan stopped short when he saw the sleeping figure in the bed.
“Col?” he said softly. “Colin?”
The sleeping man murmured incoherently, but didn’t move. Ryan sat gingerly on the bed, putting a hand on Colin’s shoulder. Colin was on his side, facing away from Ryan.
Ryan gave Colin a gentle shake.
“Colin. Wake up. It’s me. Wake up, Col,” Ryan spoke soothingly.
“Go ‘way, Ron.” Colin muttered.
Ryan couldn’t help but grin. “It’s not Ron,” he said in a normal tone of voice.
At the clear sound of a voice, so close, Colin started, rolling over quickly. His eyes flew open as he realized he wasn’t dreaming. He stifled a yell. He didn’t really believe his eyes when he found himself looking up into Ryan’s face. Then Ryan’s hands were on his shoulders and Ryan’s voice was again in his ears.
“I’m sorry, Col. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Ryan was smiling. “I knocked and I called your name a bunch of times. Someone left the door unlocked.”
“Ryan?” Colin couldn’t manage to say anything else just then.
“I’m sorry, Col. I didn’t mean…” Ryan started to repeat himself.
Colin interrupted, shaking his head. “No, no. I heard you. I mean, how did you…what happened? Is everything OK?”
Ryan nodded. “Yeah, everything’s fine.” Ryan had taken his hands from Colin’s shoulders and was intertwining his fingers in his lap, his leg bouncing. Colin looked at Ryan’s hands. No wedding band. He looked back up into Ryan’s face, not knowing what to ask, just waiting for Ryan to talk.
“Colin. I am so sorry for acting like such a jackass about this whole thing. I broke up with Pat. I mean, I finally told her the truth. I told her that I’m in love with you and that I can’t stay with her anymore,” Ryan alternated between making eye contact with Colin and staring down at his lap. “I…I know you’re seeing Ron. I didn’t really expect you to wait for me to come back. I know it was a lot to ask. You didn’t even know I was coming. But I do love you, Col. So…So…” Ryan shrugged. He wasn’t sure how to finish his sentence. For the first time, he truly believed that Colin might turn him away. Not because he couldn’t forgive him, but because he’d fallen for Ron instead.
Colin cleared his throat. “I…I can’t believe you’re here. I mean I really can’t believe it. You flew. Again! But, um, anyway, Ron and I…well, we’re not serious.”
“You’re not?”
“Nah,” Colin shook his head, lowering his eyes. Ryan’s fingers were under his chin, lifting it.
“You can tell me,” he said.
“I know I can.”
They were both quiet.
“So. You broke up with Pat?” Colin asked.
“Yeah,” Ryan held his hands up. “No wedding ring. See?”
Colin nodded, not saying anything.
“I’m so in love with you, Col,” Ryan said hoarsely. “Is it too late now?”
“No. No. It’s not too late, Ryan. I’m still in love with you, you goof,” Colin cracked a smile, his doe eyes shining.
Ryan let out a huge sigh of relief, a smile gracing his face, green eyes twinkling. He reached for Colin, and Colin reached back, the two embracing warmly. “I’m so glad you said that!” Ryan said, his voice next to Colin’s ear.
“I’m glad you came back,” Colin laughed.
When they separated, Ryan asked, “So you’re not mad that I was a total asshole?”
“Not anymore,” Colin said, shrugging. “I know how hard it is. Parallel lives, remember?”
Ryan leaned down to kiss Colin. When his lips met Colin’s lips, he couldn’t believe he’d taken so long to get to this point. He took Colin’s face in his hands, unwilling to ever break the kiss they were sharing. He felt like no matter what else happened, it could work out because he would be with Colin, which was exactly where he belonged.
If destiny has spoken
If finally the dawn has broken
We all must find a place where we belong-Air Supply, A Place Where We Belong
The End.
If you read this, any or all of it, THANK YOU!!! :)