Post 45: Belligerence

Oct 30, 2006 02:39

bel‧lig‧er‧ence 
-noun
1. a warlike or aggressively hostile nature, condition, or attitude.
2. an act of carrying on war; warfare.

I learned something about myself today... it's not something new but it's more of a confirmation. My mom has always told me to lighten up and not take myself seriously but she rarely remarked about my belligerence. Every now and then she would but it wasn't like she tried to stop me or take that away from me. Kevin never cared and I never cared enough about him to try and fight him. Vince was over-belligerent and the fact that he looked at a child as a threat and a reason to incite that hostility didn't so much rub off on me as it just made him look like a fucking immature piece of shit.

Bottom line... my family has pretty much ignored or misunderstood how belligerent I am; not just angry or having a temper.

Throughout all my schooling, I've had my share of fights and incidents. Back in pre-k, if someone got on my nerves I'd bite them. I don't remember doing it but I don't deny it and I don't disbelieve it either. Elementary school found me mouthing off at teachers or fighting other kids. I wasn't all that good at taking abuse but I sure was able to dish it out and enjoyed it. In high school I fought myself -- my favorite sparring partner. I remember one of my teachers saying, "Depression is anger turned inward." Nothing describes me better during that period than that.

Bottom line... for the early part of my school years, my belligerence was what distanced me from my peers, whether it was directed toward them or at myself.

Here we are now, the final year of schooling for me and all the pieces are almost in place. I thought I was a badass, a silent, unpredictable thinker who kept to himself and did his job, no questions asked. I wanted no part of the world, I just wanted to keep my eyes on the road. The older I have gotten, the clearer the road has become for me and now, I see that I am a part of the world. All the cliches that I hate and have spent my whole life fighting against are now present or have always been present in me. There's nothing exactly wrong with that -- belligerence doesn't have to be present 24-7 -- but the one cliche that has stayed constant with me throughout is my belligerence, my anger, my rage, my temper. It's what's gotten me to where I am today; all the respect that I've earned and all the accolades that I've earned I owe a great debt toward my belligerent side.

To be honest, it's the only shred of ethnicity I have left at this point. If I didn't have my belligerence, I wouldn't be a "ho-ho" and my "blackness" would never have to be questioned -- there would be nothing to question and I would be white, an Uncle Tom and a traitor to my people. Black people, no matter what their personality is, have a fighting instinct in them, whether it'd be survival-motivated or just immature belligerence. We put up our dukes for anyone... everyone. For me, I like myself when I'm belligerent. I'm at my best when I'm angry. I'm wayy more focused, way more prepared for what awaits me when I turn into my dark, warlike side. It's what explains why I'm such a die-hard wrestling fan -- I love a fight, love to see fights. I got into rock and roll for the fact that it was the most aggressive style of music, or at least what fit me the best. I've gotten into hip-hop now and what resonates with me isn't so much Ludacris or Jay-Z beating their chests but Nas and Mike Shinoda spewing rage about the state of hip-hop and the lack of realism there is today. Shinoda's Fort Minor track, "Kenji," about his family's time in Japanese internment camps, completely changed my life. That song brought out the belief that you can take rage and hostility and apply it on a grand scale; I mean, how many people wouldn't be enraged after witnessing their family locked up. It's why I respect Native Americans so much as well -- they were never able to convey that anger.

But wait, for anyone else not me reading this, the question is: Where did this all come from? (or better yet, what are you talking about but if you ask that you should've never read this to begin with, nor should you even be a friend of mine. If you know me, you know how angry I am.) Well, for right now, you don't need to know. It might be obvious to some -- I know one person might get it consider I'm most belligerent towards her anyway -- but to anyone else who doesn't get it, you don't need to. Just be content know that while I might be dorky, weird and a complete misfit, it's when I have something to fight about that the real Calvin emerges... at least the one I like the most.

My belligerence might be immature, but it's staying with me. I'm never letting it go so don't anyone try to stop me when I get that way. Just let me fight... it's better off. I'm at my best when I have something to fight or at least a reason to.
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