Updating on a downward spiral.
So I have been offline for some time, I am only back because I have really hit rock bottom.
What is going on in my life? nothing much good. So lets get it out here, that might make me feel better as lives are infinitely complicated and words are a nice tool to reduce it all to the simple.
Love life, I love Bri dearly but she is upset, unhappy, and doesn't see us together. I am under the belief that she is only with me because we are bound to a lease, and that she loves me, but otherwise she doesn't want to be with me. I don't think she trusts me about half of what I say and that I am a constant screwup who cannot do most anything right. Most importantly, I don't make her feel special, or make any visible effort for affection.
Work life, I don't like my job, it feels dead, I don't care anything about work at the moment and things continue as they will. I am going to ask about another project or two and additionally start submitting my resume and qualifications elsewhere. Classes are starting soon and I need to figure that out.
Car, I hate my bug, it has become a symbol of futile effort and stress. It is cute, I love its look and god I just wish it worked right. Presently it might need a new alternator, and a new O2 sensor should be arriving. It is presently at a mechanic's and I don't care a lick about it. I put in a quote request for a chevy volt, I am curious about their costs and am only interested in electric cars because of their overall efficiency. If it is feasible, I will finance one and make that work. Otherwise I really want a bicycle, just to take to bart. Not much matters about planning since I don't even know how or where I will be living.
Holidays, I hate them, but look forward to seeing my family. At the same time I want to take Bri out and be the guy I should be.
I feel like I've had all my emotions pressed from me and stamped out entirely. I feel dead inside. Being a rather kinesthetic person I can imagine bloody and terrible things, it is kinda creepy but after years I am used to it. This is the first time in months I've been majorly depressed. I don't like it. I love Bri and even leaving a voicemail I became cheery.
So what do I do? I think I should fight, see that I am stupid and try to be smarter, I've not quite gotten some things but that isn't an excuse to not try. I can imagine so much but what use is imagining when reality is so close at hand. Bri inspires in me more emotion than anyone has in a long time, and has been better than me than most of those folks. I don't know if I am clinging on and dragging her down, but I love her because I don't think she'd let that happen.
This is a declaration to the world, I love you Bri, I know you read everyone's journals every day, to see how they all are, and that you are so caring.
<3 <3
<3 <3
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What is going on in my life? nothing much good. So lets get it out here, that might make me feel better as lives are infinitely complicated and words are a nice tool to reduce it all to the simple.
Love life, I love Bri dearly but she is upset, unhappy, and doesn't see us together. I am under the belief that she is only with me because we are bound to a lease, and that she loves me, but otherwise she doesn't want to be with me. I don't think she trusts me about half of what I say and that I am a constant screwup who cannot do most anything right. Most importantly, I don't make her feel special, or make any visible effort for affection.
Work life, I don't like my job, it feels dead, I don't care anything about work at the moment and things continue as they will. I am going to ask about another project or two and additionally start submitting my resume and qualifications elsewhere. Classes are starting soon and I need to figure that out.
Car, I hate my bug, it has become a symbol of futile effort and stress. It is cute, I love its look and god I just wish it worked right. Presently it might need a new alternator, and a new O2 sensor should be arriving. It is presently at a mechanic's and I don't care a lick about it. I put in a quote request for a chevy volt, I am curious about their costs and am only interested in electric cars because of their overall efficiency. If it is feasible, I will finance one and make that work. Otherwise I really want a bicycle, just to take to bart. Not much matters about planning since I don't even know how or where I will be living.
Holidays, I hate them, but look forward to seeing my family. At the same time I want to take Bri out and be the guy I should be.
I feel like I've had all my emotions pressed from me and stamped out entirely. I feel dead inside. Being a rather kinesthetic person I can imagine bloody and terrible things, it is kinda creepy but after years I am used to it. This is the first time in months I've been majorly depressed. I don't like it. I love Bri and even leaving a voicemail I became cheery.
So what do I do? I think I should fight, see that I am stupid and try to be smarter, I've not quite gotten some things but that isn't an excuse to not try. I can imagine so much but what use is imagining when reality is so close at hand. Bri inspires in me more emotion than anyone has in a long time, and has been better than me than most of those folks. I don't know if I am clinging on and dragging her down, but I love her because I don't think she'd let that happen.
This is a declaration to the world, I love you Bri, I know you read everyone's journals every day, to see how they all are, and that you are so caring.
<3 <3
<3 <3
/\/\ + + /\/\
\__/_|__|__\__/
/||||\
__ __
/ \/ \
\ /
\ /
\ /
\/