ugly type of crying
title: ugly type of crying
rating: pg
genre: angst
pairing: onew&taeyeon
it's this ugly type of crying
bare and horrendous, he watches as she can't breath in this darkness (she's suffocating, they all are). the sobs are shaking the room and his fingers are curled in this fist because he wants to fight the world for her, but he isn't strong enough. he glances over and hears her, he really hears her, and underneath all the broken words are words that are screaming through his ears:
i can't do this anymore.
because none of them can.
onew can remember the first time she sauntered into his sanctuary; the dance room at the very end of the hall that no one used, that no one cared for. he can remember how he kept his back against the wall, pressing a hand against his eyes to quickly wipe off the tears (he preferred to cry alone, silently), wondering why anyone would ever come in here at this time. he's about to curse out a name, suspecting it's jonghyun and jessica about to make out - but no. all he hears is someone breaking, and he thinks that's what he must sound like.
onew's hiding and listening and watching, and some might think it is the creepiest thing in the world, but how could he ever face her as a twenty one year old man who sat down in dark dance rooms and cried because he wasn't good enough? So he sat there, behind that one corner of the wall where she couldn't see him (torn, shattered, broken) - but she could see him, because all she had to do was look at the mirror (she saw torn, shattered, broken.)
she'll never know that he's always there when she walks in at these unholy times of the night. that he sits there and cries with her, that she isn't alone in all of her pain and hurt, (it's just so much hurt, and he wonders if victoria and leeteuk and boa and yunho - he just wonders if they've done this before. if they've felt it.) and no matter how much he wants to hold her to his chest, let her sobs be muffled by his condolence, it'll be okay, he know it won't be.
it's this ugly type of crying that leaves the whites of her eyes stained red and her hair messed up from being pulled through her fingers, because the pain she feels is so much worse than physical. it's this ugly type of crying that screams out all these things through cryptic messages that he can understand even through the silence, and it breaks him just a little more to hear her whisper these bitter nothings;
i'm not good enough.
it's this ugly type of crying that he peers at her he sees someone so beautiful, so stunningly beautiful, so real and amazing and he realizes that memories can leave these bumps on his skin, even without the touch of a finger. when he sees her cry like this, he doesn't think she could be any more gorgeous (and it's purely just off the fact that no matter how many tears she sheds, she's still taeyeon, she's still so strong, and he wants to tell her that - he should've, he could've, but he won't.)
and then he sees her in the hallway and she flashes this smile that he has seen so many times before, and it's this ugly smile that screams the same things her cries do, but no one will ever be able to see it. so one day, he'll tell her that it's okay, that she's not alone in all the hurt, and that he cries for the same pain she does.