Truth
Long ago I vested that I am "The Priest of the Silence Echoing, like Heaven held so high above and unattainable." ... and I stand by those words, because it is in the echoing silence in which I have found truth. In solitude, in my lonely Shadow, I find the strength to finally start seeing myself for who I really am (He who says he completely knows himself must be shallow).
I remember when I was younger I used to think that Relationships were major building blocks towards helping one understand "Who am I;" now I see however that it's not the "relationship" but how you feel about yourself IN RELATION TO someone or something. I've found that if something does not support you, if it does not lend to your confidence, your inner growth, or keeps you stagnant in the pursuit of growth, that the best thing you can do is simply let it go.
Friends are like Whirlwinds, and I say that because you hardly get the chance to truly enjoy the beauty of a whirlwind before it disappears back into the mysterious winds that created it and becomes not but sand and leafs on the ground once more. You can not hold it still, nor can you stop it from transforming, and you can only enjoy it whilst it last, to be left with a memory and nothing more.
All my life have had people promise me "I'll stand by you through thick and thin, until death, and hopefully ever after." ... and it's not what it seems. Too often I feel people express the fleeting impressions they have on their heart, instead of the stone-like carvings that can also be found there. Love is something that is not fleeting, but so often it's true depth ignored and only the shallow impressions are expressed. "I've given you so much, I've done so much for you, and I feel like I am being taken advantage of..." I think we've all probably said these words, and in most cases I feel like the person who has said this (even I have) doesn't understand what they are truly saying. "I've done for you because I wanted to hold it over your head, you owe me!"
When a friend does something for another friend it should have no string attacted to it, it should have no conditions by which become the law of Friendship. Give and Take should always be balanced, but people don't understand that either. A friend gives another friend his time and his ear, the other expresses himself and shares what he needed to - the other friend who allowed himself to be a "sounding board" feels as though he has done his friend a great honor by allowing him to vent his frustrations, and the one who has been rambling Thanks his friend from his heart. The balance is not broken here, though some would disagree - One friend gave his Ear, the other gave back gratitude - equality is found here.
I've seen it one too many times, and lost many friends because of it - a friend gives without expecting back a damn thing, or should, but people/society are ruled by the idea that "if I give you something, YOU OWE ME!" ... I personally think that is ridiculous, pointless, and the pursuit of the destruction of friendship. I'm tired of people pretending to be something that they are not, and I'm tired of feeling like people want me to be something that is not natural for me. I've long lived in the shadows of people that I called my friends because I figured (wrongly) that if I wanted them in my life I would have to conform to their ideas, their opinions, their morals, and ethics; however this has been wrong of me, and I no longer will be the conduit of my own disappointment. Instead I choose to stand for who I am, even if my understanding of that has barely broken the surface.
In the past when I have made stands for myself people have convinced me that I was wrong for doing so. That my opinions, views, and even emotions were founded in "untruths" even though that Truth was MY TRUTH - I have bowed and bent many times to keep people in my life. I WILL NOT any longer allow anyone to come into my life, or leave it for that matter, without knowing exactly where I stand and why I stand there.
Last year I had several almost life-long friendships come to an immediate halt, and other friendships that were fresh blooming. Though these friends had left me behind many times, made plans with me many times only to break them, and "took advantage" of my giving countless times; the one time I broke plans with them they left without a second thought from my life never to return. This is not equality, nor was it ever true friendship.
One of my only friends now wants me to accept that he thinks that all these failed friendships happened because "I am mean" or because "I don't care about anyone but myself." and I not only deny these claims, but resent them. We've all got sides and facets to us that are less than desireable, much is the way of the human experience. It is these traits and aspects of myself that every single person I have befriended has turned around and used against me as a weapon. I find it strange that any person who dares to call themself a friend would ever use your faults and shortcomings against you in an argument when I was raised to believe that a person's faults should be one of the things that draws you too them, not pushes you away.
A friend is like a lover without the sexual interactions, and much like a lover I demand of my friends that they accept me as I am when they met me and they understand that nothing is going to change (beyond life-experience and the lessons we learn). My faults are my faults and that's that, I accept them for what they are, but rarely do my friends. Instead they seek to change me, to "point out" what they think I might be missing. Instead the only thing they do is drive a wedge in between us because faults are like broken mirrors, they give you the faceted view, not the whole.
I'm tired of reaching out and asking people to be REAL, to express what needs to be expressed without holding back; "I just didn't want to get into an argument" ... but they don't realize that their holding back results in negativity on all levels that will eventually DESTROY bonds. People have always admired (and others detested) my knack for expressing myself RIGHT THERE in the moment of frustration and anger. I DO NOT hold back, and I will NEVER do so - because I know it is healthy to talk about things instead of letting them fester. I've lost so many friends to this single situation it is not remotely funny - if only these people could have expressed themselves, but also know this, I won't beg them to. It is not my place to force anyone to express their true feelings, (even if I feel it in the way they speak and their actions) because in the past I have tried and it was vutile - They always lie and never say what is truly on their mind. They tell me that they don't feel good, that they had a bad day, or other such non-sense when in fact what they want to say is "I feel like you're being a fucking asshole" ... While that might start a disagreement, it also starts a healing process that is needed for such negative feeling to be addressed.
I could write a book about these things, through my life experience, because failed friendships have been a trade-mark of my childhood, my teenage years, and my early adulthood. I am, of course, has it has been repeatedly admitted throughout this blog, not without fault - but at the same time, do these people see their own faults or just mine?! I imagine the latter, because that is always their argument and never do they acknowledge the truths that I point out, even though I will and do say "Yes, I can see truth in that" when they point out my faults.
Will anyone respond to this? Maybe one lonely soul, but beyond that I doubt it because the majority of those on my "My Readers" list are those exact same people this entire post is about - those friends who could never stand up for themselves to save this friendship instead of letting it fester and die. Anger, misunderstandings, and distrust are a dis-ease for friendship whose ONLY cure is healthy out-right expression.
I am NOT afraid to be alone, because for the majority of my life that is how I have stood, even beside these friends. I say that because it is my outlook which has differentiated me from them, and even my healthy expressions are misunderstood, and leave me alienated and alone. I find myself silenced in others company because so many people, almost all of them, view their own opinions, morals, and ethics as THE ONLY WAY, without regard to anybody elses - I'd like to believe that I am not that way, and the reason I have chosen silence versus expression now is because I'm tired of having my faults thrown back at me like they are the perfect tool for making points. I'm done with that.
People have said that I bring too much drama, but I tell them to look in the mirror and realize that all we have in this world is either drama or peace, and I express what I experience, point blank. If something bothers me, it bothers me, if it makes me happy, then I am happy - and I express that. If my life-expression is too much for somebody, then they don't have to listen, and they don't have to pretend that they even care to. I'd rather someone be straight forward with me than a liar and a theif... I say a theif because it is theft to listen, take, and throw away anything I've said instead of listening to the value of my life-..I say value, because I view my life and every memory or experience, good or bad, as something that holds meaning)
Long? Long doesn't begin to explain this blog, I have but only scrapped the surface of a very deepened wound... People say that the first cut is the deepest... but for every friendship lost it always feels like the first cut, in the same place, and that is my blackened heart.
Goodbye Cassie Cooper, Brandy Kelley, Kelley Walker, Zack Walker, Jesse Novak, Joesph Lowe, and Jeremy Head and all you others who promised to stand beside me and then when things were not all wonderful or seen through rose-tinted glasses you all ran away without looking back. I hope you find peace and happiness in your lives, and I hope that you find friendships unlike mine, because obviously my love was not "good enough" for you. I care, as I always have, but I care not for the pain and heart-ache you tried to leave on my when you left. Instead I give you peace and release, for a true-friend does not hold back those he loves, but lets them go hoping some day they might come back. I know you won't come back, though, but I still release you.
I'm done, and I'm tired - tired of trying to make things right when it seems all anybody ever sees is what it is that I am doing that is wrong. So, I say this, I'll find my strength in solitude, because that is where I've been for almost two years now... and while you all try to find that strength in your "friends" and fall, know that I'll stand.
Michael Joel Powers