mcchicken
Dude, this week has just been beyond bizarre. Yeah yeah yeah, I say that about abso-frickin-lutely everything, we've been over this. But this time, too much happened. More than my fragile little mind would be able to handle, in fact. Up until tuesday night, the day of my last entry, everything was going perfectly normal - whether for the better or for the worse. Then on Wednesday, the world turned completely upside down.
See, my mom had this conference thing and would be out all day and my sister had a make-up test at school in the morning before her normal classes in the afternoon, so she would also be gone all day. Meaning, the house would be totally deserted. I couldn't just let that slide now, could I? I woke up feeling a bit.. meh, and decided I didn't want to go to school. There's no real point in doing it anyway and there'd be no one around to hassle me for staying home - in fact, they would never even know about it at all -, so there was really nothing stopping me. I had my breakfast and literally just took turns watching tv and sleeping through out most of the day. I had cookies and water for lunch, played some games, but mainly just sat around.
Now, up until that day, I hadn't missed a single class. Or rather, I'd always at least shown up at uni, even if I didn't actually sit through classes. And my friends had no idea I wouldn't be showing up simply because I wasn't feeling like it, so when they got to class and didn't see me, they wondered where I was. So they called. And, here's the beauty of it, I'd left my cell on vibrate inside my school bag in my room while I was sleeping in the living room. And so? So they panicked. That part actually amused me slightly, I can't even begin to imagine what V. and J. would look like freaking out over me. It did cross my mind that something like could happen, but I just waved the thought away, since I'm not actually used to having people worry about me. I just figured they wouldn't think too much of it. Well obviously I was wrong.
When I went over to my room to go mess around on the computer, I dug up my phone and noticed the one thousand missed calls (these guys actually called me a total of sixteen times during the day. SIX FRICKIN TEEN.). I felt bad about making them worry and would've called V. back to let him know everything was alright, but then two somewhat dark realizations came over me. One, I sort of wondered what it'd be like if they thought I was dead. If you don't know this, I'll just tell you now that I have been slightly suicidal in the past and, though I'm more under control nowadays (well, that's one way to phrase it. My apathy towards life and everything involving it makes me resemble a person on a shitload of prozac, so I guess you could say I'm out of the danger zone there, since I wouldn't even bother killing myself), I do have these relapses where I need to stop myself from going into the kitchen and picking out knives or digging through my mother's medicine cabinet. At one point in the afternoon, I nearly did that. My mind goes to very sinister places if I'm left to my own devices for too long.
Either way. The second thing was, I got several calls from Sarah. I won't get into who exactly she is, let's just say we used to be friends (or maybe slightly more than that) and we just had a very complicated relationship which lead to me being in absolute agony for an entire year. Her mere existence in my life made me miserable, yet I couldn't let her go. I'm sure you've all been there. Either way, earlier this year I decided to put a stop to it, and I'd been detaching from her for a while, so I had no problem letting go. I was doing just fine. I hadn't spoken to her in a month and a half (actually, a bit more, but we used to have some contact because of this board we were both a part of), I'd deleted her from, well, everything. I pretty much forgot she ever existed, and that was by far the best thing I've done ever. But then? She called a thousand times and my world came crashing down.
I answered her at one point, but only to tell her I no longer wanted to talk to her and that she had to stop calling me and all. See, I held up nice and strong there, didn't I? And it's not that I'm having second thoughts about wanting her back in my life or not, noooo, I definitely don't want to get wrapped up in that mess again. It was just so frustrating. I'd forgotten all about her, why did she have to come shoving herself in my face again? It just brought back all the memories of how hellish it was to have her around, and that killed me a little bit inside. I had already put so much effort into locking that part of my life away and not letting her hurt me anymore, and then she does this. Great.
As it turned out, V. managed to put everyone in a panic until someone found my home phone number, at which point we finally got to talk at night before I went out to a party. Birthday party. D's birthday party. D is a guy I used to have a huge crush on in high school, who heartlessly rejected me when I told him how I felt in June this year and who I now think might be gay. No, not just 'cause he turned me down with cruelty, there are reasons. Caroline and V. are with me on that one, so. ANYWAY. This is a guy who I was semi-friends with for a pretty long time, but who since we left school refuses to go out with me (as friends, with our other mutual friends). And this time, he insisted that I showed up to his party. What the bloody hell? I made up some excuse at the time since I figured he would only be asking me out of politeness - that had to be it, he can't even stand me! - but he made a point in me being there. So I went. It didn't suck. It didn't rock. Moving on.
On thursday I bought V. and J. some apple candy things that they love as a way to make up for all the trouble they'd been through over me skipping class. J. just absolutely loves that candy, I swear, he's like a little child around it. And he'll eat about a thousand all at once, he can't get enough. It's just one of those little things that make him so incredibly happy, you know? So it was really sort of a gift for me too, since I just love seeing these guys happy. They're the only ones who manage to make me all soft and gooey. How annoying is that?
Either way, it's all made up for now. Well, except G. was absolutely pissed me at me for not giving him any candy (even though he took three right out of my hand and pissed the shit out of me by doing that too. Yeah dude, I get it, I didn't buy you candy. I'm such an evil witch. But taking the candy like a spoiled little bully child like that? That is just plain fucking rude, a'ight?). Then again, he's been sort of pissed at me since I shot him down earlier this year. And to think he still wonders why I wouldn't go out with him. Men, right?
See, my mom had this conference thing and would be out all day and my sister had a make-up test at school in the morning before her normal classes in the afternoon, so she would also be gone all day. Meaning, the house would be totally deserted. I couldn't just let that slide now, could I? I woke up feeling a bit.. meh, and decided I didn't want to go to school. There's no real point in doing it anyway and there'd be no one around to hassle me for staying home - in fact, they would never even know about it at all -, so there was really nothing stopping me. I had my breakfast and literally just took turns watching tv and sleeping through out most of the day. I had cookies and water for lunch, played some games, but mainly just sat around.
Now, up until that day, I hadn't missed a single class. Or rather, I'd always at least shown up at uni, even if I didn't actually sit through classes. And my friends had no idea I wouldn't be showing up simply because I wasn't feeling like it, so when they got to class and didn't see me, they wondered where I was. So they called. And, here's the beauty of it, I'd left my cell on vibrate inside my school bag in my room while I was sleeping in the living room. And so? So they panicked. That part actually amused me slightly, I can't even begin to imagine what V. and J. would look like freaking out over me. It did cross my mind that something like could happen, but I just waved the thought away, since I'm not actually used to having people worry about me. I just figured they wouldn't think too much of it. Well obviously I was wrong.
When I went over to my room to go mess around on the computer, I dug up my phone and noticed the one thousand missed calls (these guys actually called me a total of sixteen times during the day. SIX FRICKIN TEEN.). I felt bad about making them worry and would've called V. back to let him know everything was alright, but then two somewhat dark realizations came over me. One, I sort of wondered what it'd be like if they thought I was dead. If you don't know this, I'll just tell you now that I have been slightly suicidal in the past and, though I'm more under control nowadays (well, that's one way to phrase it. My apathy towards life and everything involving it makes me resemble a person on a shitload of prozac, so I guess you could say I'm out of the danger zone there, since I wouldn't even bother killing myself), I do have these relapses where I need to stop myself from going into the kitchen and picking out knives or digging through my mother's medicine cabinet. At one point in the afternoon, I nearly did that. My mind goes to very sinister places if I'm left to my own devices for too long.
Either way. The second thing was, I got several calls from Sarah. I won't get into who exactly she is, let's just say we used to be friends (or maybe slightly more than that) and we just had a very complicated relationship which lead to me being in absolute agony for an entire year. Her mere existence in my life made me miserable, yet I couldn't let her go. I'm sure you've all been there. Either way, earlier this year I decided to put a stop to it, and I'd been detaching from her for a while, so I had no problem letting go. I was doing just fine. I hadn't spoken to her in a month and a half (actually, a bit more, but we used to have some contact because of this board we were both a part of), I'd deleted her from, well, everything. I pretty much forgot she ever existed, and that was by far the best thing I've done ever. But then? She called a thousand times and my world came crashing down.
I answered her at one point, but only to tell her I no longer wanted to talk to her and that she had to stop calling me and all. See, I held up nice and strong there, didn't I? And it's not that I'm having second thoughts about wanting her back in my life or not, noooo, I definitely don't want to get wrapped up in that mess again. It was just so frustrating. I'd forgotten all about her, why did she have to come shoving herself in my face again? It just brought back all the memories of how hellish it was to have her around, and that killed me a little bit inside. I had already put so much effort into locking that part of my life away and not letting her hurt me anymore, and then she does this. Great.
As it turned out, V. managed to put everyone in a panic until someone found my home phone number, at which point we finally got to talk at night before I went out to a party. Birthday party. D's birthday party. D is a guy I used to have a huge crush on in high school, who heartlessly rejected me when I told him how I felt in June this year and who I now think might be gay. No, not just 'cause he turned me down with cruelty, there are reasons. Caroline and V. are with me on that one, so. ANYWAY. This is a guy who I was semi-friends with for a pretty long time, but who since we left school refuses to go out with me (as friends, with our other mutual friends). And this time, he insisted that I showed up to his party. What the bloody hell? I made up some excuse at the time since I figured he would only be asking me out of politeness - that had to be it, he can't even stand me! - but he made a point in me being there. So I went. It didn't suck. It didn't rock. Moving on.
On thursday I bought V. and J. some apple candy things that they love as a way to make up for all the trouble they'd been through over me skipping class. J. just absolutely loves that candy, I swear, he's like a little child around it. And he'll eat about a thousand all at once, he can't get enough. It's just one of those little things that make him so incredibly happy, you know? So it was really sort of a gift for me too, since I just love seeing these guys happy. They're the only ones who manage to make me all soft and gooey. How annoying is that?
Either way, it's all made up for now. Well, except G. was absolutely pissed me at me for not giving him any candy (even though he took three right out of my hand and pissed the shit out of me by doing that too. Yeah dude, I get it, I didn't buy you candy. I'm such an evil witch. But taking the candy like a spoiled little bully child like that? That is just plain fucking rude, a'ight?). Then again, he's been sort of pissed at me since I shot him down earlier this year. And to think he still wonders why I wouldn't go out with him. Men, right?